


Secrets

by croatoanwholock



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-22
Updated: 2013-10-27
Packaged: 2017-12-27 08:55:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 45
Words: 140,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/976877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/croatoanwholock/pseuds/croatoanwholock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss is the sole victor of the 73rd Hunger Games. What does President Snow have planned for her? And what does the womanizing Finnick Odair have to do with this?<br/>Katniss/Finnick. Smut in some chapters.<br/>Not so much AU, as just alternate ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This was the first fic I ever wrote, started about a year ago. I'm moving it over from FF.Net  
> You can find it here:  
> http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8349966/1/Secrets

My heart is racing. All I can hear is the thump, thump, thump loudly in my ears. Peeta's leg is bleeding badly, and he's pale from blood loss. Cato's ranting about how he's a killing machine, made for the purpose of bringing pride to District 2. The mutts try to scratch their way up to the top of the Cornucopia. There's only one way to end this. I lift up my bow to shoot at Cato, but he has Peeta in a headlock. "You kill me, and you kill lover-boy too, none of us will win this." Cato warns me. He's already given up on winning- he knows he can't, there's no way where he could win. He also knows that I won't kill Peeta. Both of us can go home because of the rule change. I won't go home without him. Peeta saved my life, and I owe it to him to save his. Blood from Cato's mouth dribbles down his chin. Peeta has become pale with his skin giving off an almost blueish tint, it's apparent that the smaller blond boy can't breathe. He shakily traces an X on Cato's hand. I aim the arrow at Cato's hand and shoot it, causing him to let go of Peeta, who throws Cato off the Cornucopia and into the pile of mutts. I hear the screams and groans of pain. I take an arrow and shoot it right above his eye to end the suffering. The cannon goes off and I grin at Peeta. "We can go home." I whisper, squeezing his hand.

We slide off the cornucopia, and we hear the beginning of an announcement. Attention! Attention tributes. There has been a revision regarding the previous rule change. That is now suspended. There can only be one winner. Good luck, and may the odds be ever in your favor. I look at Peeta. His eyes reflect the same dread that are in mine. What now? Peeta sighs. "Do it. Shoot. You can go home, and they get their winner."

"No." I shake my head. "I'm not killing you."

"And I'm not killing you." Peeta argues stubbornly. "You're not making this very easy, Katniss." Before I can ask what he even means, Peeta kisses me on my cheek. "Please, just kill me. Or I'll kill myself."

I frown. "O-Okay." I give him a soft, lingering kiss, squeeze his hand, and shoot an arrow through his eye. Just another kill, I try to tell myself. but that's a lie. I cared about him. A lot. He wasn't just some squirrel, he was a person. And I murdered him. I killed Peeta.

Claudius Templesmith's voice fills the arena, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the Victor of the 73rd Hunger Games, Katniss Everdeen! Less than a minute later, a hovercraft is lifting me up, away from Peeta, Rue, and the two Careers I killed.

My mentor, Haymitch is waiting for me on board the hovercraft heading towards the Capitol. He says nothing to me, but the look in his eyes tells me he understands, and he gives me a hug. I start weeping again when the realization of what I've done hits me. "I-I killed him. Peeta." I curl up into a ball on the floor. He has to carry me off the hovercraft.

When I wake up, I'm in the hospital. All my burns and scratches are healed, and my ear has been reconstructed. Cinna's the first person who sees me. I don't truly feel like he's a Capitol citizen, he's too normal looking. My stylist gives me a half-hearted smile and kisses me on the cheek. "Flavius, Octavia and Venia will be here in a minute, to make you over." He doesn't add that I need to mentally prepare myself, but we both know that I need to. My prep team is a bunch of sweethearts, but they won't understand the pain I'm going through.

Less than a moment after Cinna walks out, I hear the familar clunk of high heels and various squeals of, "Katniss!" I'm engulfed in a group hug around my hospital bed. After they finish crying, they begin making me back to Beauty Base Zero. The blood is washed from under my nails and they are painted a pale pink, my hair is taken out of it's braid and my body hair - which has fortunately grown back - is waxed off again, to my dismay.

Once I'm bathed and toweled off, my prep team begins to chatter as they do my makeup and put me into the champagne colored dress Cinna's picked out for my post-games interview. They talk about how romantic it was when Peeta killed himself so I could live, how amazing my family's interviews were, and how excited they are for the victory tour. I want to yell, to scream, to break everything around me. I have to remind myself that they're Capitol citizens. It doesn't make them dumb, they just don't understand the pain that the districts face, the heartbreak, and the guilt. I have a understanding of why Haymitch drinks, and why some victors turn to Morphling.

Effie escorts me down to the interview. She is polite as bubbly always, but it's toned down. She's ecstatic that I won - maybe she'll get moved to a more respectable district - but she truly liked Peeta. "Breathe Katniss," she tells me, "They already love you."

Caesar welcomes me onstage. His hair and suit are still blue, but his skin looks like it's faded a bit from its baby blue shade I saw two weeks ago. I sit down on the plush white chair and cross my ankles. "So Katniss," he asks me, "How are you?" Scared. Confused. Heartbroken. Tired.

"Honestly Caesar," I tell him, "I'm kinda hungry." The audience laughs. I guess I still have it in me. "The lamb stew here is delicious." Caesar talks about how successful the games were, and they play my highlights- volunteering for Prim, my interview, getting distracted by Peeta in the beginning, escaping the fire, dropping the tracker jackers on the Careers, blowing up their food stash, burying Rue, the five days in the cave with Peeta, our makeout session (I blush at that) drugging him to get the medicine for his leg, running towards the Cornucopia, when I killed Cato and when Peeta killed himself.

Caesar asks me about my alliance with Rue. "Well, we both knew at one point, one of us would die, but I tried to push that to the back of our minds. When I passed out, I could have been killed easily, but she helped me get better. If she was in my district we definitely would have been friends."

Then, they show clips of the interviews. Prim talks about how she knows I'll win, Gale (who apparently is now my "cousin") talks about how I'm a fighter and I won't give up, Madge talks about how I was her closest friend and she's praying for me, my mother talks about how she needs me. It was all very sweet but I thought that Madge's was the most heartfelt. I never really thought of myself as having any friends, but thinking back, she really is my closest friend.

Finally, Caesar mentions Peeta. I only tear up a little bit, but I lose it when Caesar mentions how I almost died to save his life at the Feast. "Peeta saved my life when I was little. My father had died in a mine explosion and my mother was struggling to feed herself, me, and my sister. We were slowly starving to death. One day, I was sitting out in the rain, waiting to die, and Peeta tossed me a loaf of bread. He saved my life, and I finally got to repay him. But now he isn't here with me, he died for me. I don't know what to do without him." I didn't even make up the emotion, and I didn't lie one bit, like I did in the interview. Caesar gives me a small hug out of sympathy. Then, the interviews over and I'm free to go back up to my room in the training center. I take off my shoes (to Effie's dissaproval) and I'm about to look for Haymitch when the overwhelmingly strong scent of roses hits me.


	2. Chapter 2

I look at Effie, and she has stopped dead in her tracks. She is as shocked by his presence as I am. "President Snow," she says politely, "to what do we owe the pleasure of your visit?". President Snow. I'm terrified, but mostly angered. What is he doing here? He turns around in his chair to face us, his stare making me very uncomfortable. I feel as if he's the one who lives here, and I'm the one who just showed up. I can't help but hunch my shoulders.

"Why Miss Trinket," his snake eyes look into mine as he gives Effie a curt nod, "Your hospitality is more than satisfactory, thank you. If you don't mind, I would like to speak to Miss Everdeen. In private." Effie shows us down the hallway and into a small room. It almost looks like a meeting room of some sort. There's a round mahogany table with eight chairs around it, wood floors and beige walls. There's no window, but a ceiling fan turns slowly. The older man looks at Effie and thanks her, signaling her to leave. As soon as the door closes he begins to speak slowly. "Katniss Everdeen. The Girl On Fire." He kisses my hand. "It is truly a pleasure to meet you. But enough with the small talk. I have a business proposition for you." I want to run away. Something about this isn't right. Snow must sense my uncomfortableness. "Don't worry, it will be perfectly harmless... If you do what you're supposed to." 

That doesn't sound good. At all. Every instinct in my body is telling me to run. I finally gain the courage to speak. "Mr. President, if I may?" I ask with perfect manners. Effie would be proud. He raises his eyebrows, signaling for me to continue. "What exactly is it that you'd like me to do?"

"Ever since you first appeared in that chariot with Mister Mellark, your deceased friend, you have been very... desirable. And now that you two are not... shall I say romantically involved, many people in the Capitol will be interested in... spending time with you. Victors are very profitable." I understand what he's asking and it makes me sick. And if I refuse? I want to ask him. He must sense my reluctance. "Coal mining is very... dangerous. And it's very easy to get sick. What if your sister or your cousin were to get hurt?" I can tell by the way he says it that he knows Gale is not a cousin. He could kill them easily if I didn't oblige, with no more than a snap of his fingers. I'm fuming, and I can't help but see red.

"So, you're gonna whore me around?" I ask bluntly. I drop the politeness. 

"Language, Miss Everdeen. That's appalling vocabulary for a polite woman such as yourself. Your mentor will talk to you later. Some other victors will be waiting for you back in District 12." He stands up and walks towards the door. "Oh, and Miss Everdeen?" He turns around to look at me. "Don't mess up or there will be consequences. I have no reservations in killing off the slime of District Twelve that you call people."

As soon as he's outside, I run down the hallway, into my room. I begin to scream, but the sound never reaches my mouth. I curl up in a ball on my bed, and try to pretend none of this has ever happened. I don't come out for dinner. i just lie there, awake.

The next morning, I come into the living to find Haymitch waiting for me. "Sit down, Sweetheart." he drawls, patting the spot on the couch next to him. Surprisingly, he's sober. "You're gonna listen and you're not gonna talk until I'm done. Got it?" I nod. "Alright. Do you know how I won my games? I found a weakness in the force field surrounding the arena. I shouldn't have won. Because I made the Capitol look stupid, they killed my mother, my sister, and my girlfriend." Wow. That would explain a lot. He continues. "Do you know Johanna Mason? She played weak, until there were only a few left. Then, she turned into a killing machine. Snow wanted to sell her, but she declined, thinking he was bluffing. When she got back to 7, all her family and friends were dead, so she had no choice. Do you get where I'm going with this?"

I nod, standing up. I lean against a wall. "So basically if I don't become a prostitute they're gonna kill my mom and Prim, and Gale?"

He sighs. "Pretty much. A good friend of mine might drop by later-" as soon as the words are out of his mouth, a boy steps off the elevator. He's truly beautiful- he has bronze hair and sea green eyes with a suntan that isn't sprayed on. He definitely spends hours in the sun - Districts 4 or 11. I would say Capitol, but something about him seem genuine. He's shirtless and only wearing a pair of sweatpants and I can see his muscles clearly defined from across the room. "Speak of the devil," Haymitch grumbles. He smiled though, greeting the mentor. He must be in his early twenties. "Finnick, this is-"

"Katniss Everdeen." the boy smirks. Finnick, as in _Finnick Odair?_ I expect him to kiss me on the cheek or something, but instead, he softly kisses my lips. "Finnick Odair at your service. The pleasure will be all yours." I turn beet red. I am way out of my comfort zone right here.

Haymitch makes a gagging noise. "Please." I turn around to sit at the back down on the couches with Haymitch, and Finnick lightly slaps my butt. I gasp and my mentor guffaws.

"So, Katniss." Finnick smile at each other. "We're gonna train you to be a whore." I turn to Haymitch, asking him with my eyes. He shrugs, telling me it was gonna happen eventually. I lightly hit him on the shoulder for that.

Finnick sighed. "So basically, I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything- you're gonna hate yourself for doing this, you're gonna try to justify it but it still won't feel right. You know how in the games, it was about surviving, not living? The games aren't over. They never will be." He takes a sip of the brown liquid from Haymitch's bottle. So much for not drinking then. "Was that too harsh?" He asks me.

"No," I tell him. "Thank you." I turn around to ask him a question. "Do the nightmares ever stop?"

"No." Both Haymitch and Finnick say at the same time. "Sleep well, sweetheart, you're gonna have a big, big day tomorrow. You start your job then."

I couldn't sleep at all, I kept being woken up to the mutts of Cato and Peeta and Rue. It took me a while to realize the screams I kept hearing weren't from people being killed, but rather, they were coming from my mouth. I decide to go for a walk. My first thought is to go to the roof, but that would remind me of Peeta. I decide to take the elevator down and before I know it, I'm going to the 4th floor. Finnick's sitting on the couch, in only his underwear. I realize I'm in Peeta's shirt and revealing underwear. The room hits me cold, and I remember that I'm not wearing a bra. _Oh._ He's holding a mug of something, and appears to be shaking. I sit down next to him, and he looks up. His eyes are bloodshot. Has the most beautiful man in the world been crying?

"Shh. It's gonna be okay." I say. He pushes his hair out of his eyes, and I put a woven blanket around his arms.

"Couldn't sleep?" he asks me. I nod. "Me neither. You know, you're pretty... morally okay. You only killed when you had to. I admire that. I-I killed. A lot. Just cause I could. It still haunts me. These kinda things, they push people away. We all end drunk, on drugs, or dead." Well that's inspiring.

"Do you ever get to go back home?" I ask him. I want to see Prim, my mother and Gale. "I don't know how I'll explain it to them."

Finnick smiled. "Yeah. You do, but you have to go in and out of the Capitol throughout the year. And if you're smart you won't tell them. I told my family that most mentors try to talk to sponsors during the year to seal deals for their kids." I raise my eyebrows at him. "It is half true. Most of my 'dates' are more willing to sponsor my kids." I frown. At least someones benefitting from this. Prim. Mom. Gale. Hazelle. Vick, Rory, and Posy. I repeat their names over and over in my head. That's why I'm doing this. To keep them safe. They're my family, and I have to keep them alive.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teensy bit of smut (notreally) if you squint your eyes.

The sun streams in from the curtains, waking me up. I stretch my arms, surprised to have gotten a few hours of sleep without nightmares. It takes me a moment to recognize that I'm not in my room, and that someone else is occupying this bed. I crane my neck, and see that I'm in Finnick Odair's arms. _Just spooning with Finnick Odair. Oh boy._ I tiptoe up the stairs to 12 (not wanting to risk the dings from taking the elevator), and thankfully, Haymitch and Effie are still asleep when I get to the top floor, or at least out of the living area. I crawl back into bed, and just a minute later, Effie barges in. "Good morning Katniss! Today's going to be a big big day!". I sit up, and put a robe on over my tank top and shorts.

When I reach the main room of the floor, Effie is at the door with 3 bags. "Haymitch will be taking good care of you for a bit, don't you worry! I'm not quite sure why today's so special, but the President insisted it was. I have to go back to my home, but I'll see you for the Victory Tour in a few months." She kisses me on the cheek. "Remember Katniss, manners." She steps in the elevator and I wave goodbye. _The President._ I remember that tonight is my first 'date'.

"So sweetheart," Haymitch grumbles, eyes half shut. He never was a morning person."Finnick and his friend, Johanna are gonna help you prepare for your date." He smiles sympathetically (for Haymitch) at me. "I know it'll get hard, and you'll want to quit, but try to be tenacious and keep on going. If not for you, for your family. It's a large burden to put on your shoulders, but then again are victors really ever winners?"

He's right, victors never end up winning. "Don't worry about me." I share a look of understanding with Haymitch. We both know I'd do anything for my family. "Wait, Johanna?" I ask him, "Like Johanna Mason?"

Haymitch nods. I gulp. She's scary. Literally, terrifying. She played shy and harmless, and then slaughtered in her games. I was never a huge fan of her, she could have won without all the murder. But now, I can't help but wonder why I was so judgmental. We all find ways of surviving.

I meet Johanna and Finnick on the 7th floor. Johanna's co-mentor (I think his name was Blight) has already gone home, so the three of us are the only ones there, besides the avoxes. The two older victors seem subdued. Finnick is less charismatic, and Johanna barely is sarcastic. I can tell that they are remembering their first. I feel awkward. That's the only way to put it.

Johanna teaches me how to flirt- what to say, how to bite my lower lip, bat my eyelashes, sway my hips and show off my legs. She gives me a small white pill that I have to take once every month, to prevent me getting pregnant. She has me try on some skimpy lingerie, and shows me how to do my hair and makeup to look flirty but innocent. She puts a pink sticky gloss on my lips and nude colored powder on my eyes, followed by drawing on my eyelids with a black pencil and using a mascara to make my eyelashes long and dark. I look stunning. She could be a stylist for the Capitol. Not that she ever would want to be. I want to ask her why she's being so nice to me. She doesn't answer, but I see the sympathy in her dark eyes.

My 'date' is with a popular Capitol celebrity. He's gone on dates with Johanna before and she says he's harsh. She recommends I sleep with Finnick, so I don't have to have my first time be with my 'date'.

"I'm really sorry." Finnick tells me, taking off his clothes awkwardly. Honestly, I wasn't sure what I anticipated my first time to be like, but most people in 12 don't do it until they're married. There's no rules, but really, everyone's so busy and if you didn't live with them, you couldn't exactly bring them back to the two-room house where the rest of your family is. I kiss Finnick hard. I want to try and enjoy this. My clothes are in a pile on the floor and he's kissing my neck and _oh_. It's more painful than I could have ever imagined. Finnick seems aware of that and kisses my cheek, holding me close to him. But after a while, I urge him to move and it doesn't feel that bad at all. It's actually really good, I think. After, he kisses me on the forehead before getting up and re-dressed, pulling the blanket over my body. "Take a nap, girl on fire. These next days might extinguish your flame."

When I wake up, I hear the shower running. It's 3:00. and my date will pick me up at 6. I fix my hair and my makeup is still perfect. I put on the silk robe in the closet and tiptoe into the bathroom. I stop short when I hear Finnick's muffled sobs. I close the door behind me quickly and go into the living room. Johanna's eating a bowl of nuts, and watching a Capitol television show. "He feels terrible, you know that, right?" Johanna tells me, her eyes not leaving the television. "He regrets taking your virginity, but doesn't want to have you lose it to your date." She gives me a small smile. I sit down next to her, and can't help but wince. "It doesn't hurt as much after that. You know, people actually do this for fun?" She sits there in silence, but after a moment, she laughs loudly.

"What's so funny?"

"We thought you were the innocent one. We all saw how shy you got when you had to take off that b- Peeta's pants to clean out his leg. You were tomato red. It was... hilarious." I manage to crack a small smile. "And now you're... well for lack of a better word, a whore. Who would've thought?" she laughs darkly. I frown, but I'm not as repelled by her dark humor as I once was. Johanna isn't a bad person, she just has been changed, like all the victors. We all have different ways to cope with it.

We sit, watching some sitcom that's about three people from District 3 who end up in the Capitol. It's terribly inaccurate and kind of sad, but there are a few times I actually chuckle a little. Finnick gets out of the shower, and sits down next to us. I smile slightly at him, and he turns his lips up. 

He helps me get dressed. We decide on a knee-length dark blue dress, that's body-hugging but not super tight either. It's strapless and makes my breasts practically stick out the top. I put on the highest heels Johanna owns. I think I look ridiculous, but they think otherwise. "You look... hot." Johanna gawks. The phone rings. Finnciks yells at me that its 6 o'clock - my date is here. I hug him goodbye, go down the elevator in the training center, and step into a black car.

My date is a young-ish man - maybe in his thirties - with light brown hair and an unnatural shade of blue eyes. He's attractive by the Capitol's standards. I know immediately that he can't be trusted. His eyes show hate. "Katniss Everdeen," he says, kissing my hand. He has a thick Capitol accent. "I'm enthusiastic to have you in my company for tonight." He places his hand on my thigh. I bite my tongue to stop myself from vomiting. This man is repulsive.

I smile at him seductively, the way Finnick showed me. "Well I hope you are." I cross my ankles. He comes around my side of the car to let me out, and walk me into his house. At least he has manners. I stand up straight, breathe, and get into the small elevator. He pushes floor three - and when we get out, his apartment is the whole floor. As soon as we're out, we're in his room and I'm turning in on myself, trying to become numb.

My date is asleep. I sneak out of the bed and put on my dress. I find the bathroom and braid my hair like I used to back in 12. The car will come in ten minutes. I decide to wait downstairs, but as soon as I'm about to walk out of the door, I hear the key turn into the lock. I freeze, and completely panic. This cannot be good. A blonde woman walks in, and from the size of the rock on her finger, she must be married to - to the man I just slept with. _Ohgod ohgod ohgod._ I'm totally freaking out. "Who the hell are you?" She asks me, crossing her arms over her chest. I'm too stunned to say anything; paralyzed with fear. After a second, a flash of recognition crosses her face. "Oh you've got to be kidding me. Katniss Everdeen? Jesus, you're sixteen years old. What the hell was he - get out. Get out of my house. And if I ever find out he's fucking you again, well I doubt I can kill as good as you, but honey I can hit you where it hurts." She brushes past me and closes the door in my face. The only thing I notice is how much she smells of Finnick.


	4. Chapter 4

The black car to take me back to the Training Center pulls up a moment after I get out of the elevator. Instead of sitting in the back, where there's a partition from the driver, I sit in the passenger's seat next to him. The driver is a fairly toned-down Capitol citizen. He looks _normal_ , with no alterations except for his violet eyes. The only way I can really tell he's Capitol is by his purple streaked hair and purple eyelashes. He looks at me sympathetically. I don't think he knows who I am. Or he's so accustomed to driving us around, that he doesn't act starstruck. Regardless, it's nice. "Rough night?" he asks.

I nod. "I just wanna go to sleep." A yawn escapes from my mouth.

"Then take a nap." He smiles at me, showing his perfectly white teeth. "I'll wake you up when we get to your apartment, don't worry." I notice his strong Capitol accent. As promised, he wakes me up in front of the training center. "Have a good night, ma'am." I wave goodbye to him. While the Capitol is oblivious to their obnoxious ways, they truly are all kind, simpleminded people. They really don't know any better. Except for Snow, of course. I get into the elevator of the training center and press 12. Johanna's waiting for me when I get upstairs.

"Drink?" she asks me, as soon as I get off the elevator. Her bottle of alcohol is clear, unlike Haymitch. He drinks whiskey, and Johanna drinks vodka. It's all the same to me though. I take a large gulp. My throat burns and I cough loudly, but I kind of like the pain. She just laughs at me as I sputter. "Women should be able to handle their liquor." Johanna looks at me up and down. "Take a shower, you'll feel better."

I turn the water on high, so it's scalding hot. I step in, and hiss when it hits my bruised skin. After a few minutes, I can relax into it. I take one of the washcloth-type things (I think Haymitch said it was a loofa) and scrub my body until all of it's raw and pink. No matter how hard I scrub, I still feel dirty.

I wrap myself in my silk robe, and comb my knotted hair. I look at myself in the fogged up mirror. My eye makeup has run down my whole face, and my eyes and nose are red from crying. I truly don't recognize myself anymore. I splash could water on my face to try and reduce the puffiness and use a tissue to clean off the black mascara streak on my cheeks. I walk outside and see Finnick and Haymitch arguing about something. Johanna appears to be watching, amused, but quiet. Haymitch is drunk, to nobody's surprise. Finnick's towel around his waist and puffy red eyes make it clear he had a date as well tonight. They don't notice me walk in. Johanna puts a finger on her lip, motioning for me to be quiet. Finnick stands up. "We can't just let this happen! It isn't fair for her." 

Haymitch growls at him. "You think I like this? No. But you're sure-as-hell gonna go through with it." I creak on the floorboards, to make my presence known, and they both sit down. The awkward silence makes it very clear they were talking about me.

I sit down next to Johanna. "What's going on?" I ask them. "Please don't keep anything from me, I think I deserve to know." Finnick frowns, playing with a strand of my damp hair.

"All four of us are gonna get on a train to 12 tomorrow morning. The victory tour is starting early this year." Finnick explains. No doubt, this is because of the 74th Games. The year before a Quarter Quell is always extravagant, from what I've heard. "After that, you're gonna spend most of your time in 12, and a few months in the Capitol each year. But don't worry, it'll be spread out- a week here and there." _So I guess things won't be going back to normal after all._

"It's been a long day for me, I think I'm gonna try and get some sleep." I stand up to go back to my room. I change the window to look like the forest. It reminds me of 12. With Snow watching my every move, I doubt I'll be able to go hunting anytime soon. My mind drifts to Gale. I wonder how he'll react to the news. Then, I realize that I can't tell him anything. I've never hid a single thing from Gale, and now I'll have to lie about this. Suddenly, I'm terrified to go home. Every move I make can affect someone. One wrong step could end up killing Prim. I wonder how Finnick manages the stress. I know he has a family, probably a girlfriend too. Then again, if he lives in fear like me, would he even want a girlfriend? Probably not.

I'm awakened by my own screams. I don't even remember what my nightmare was about. I jolt up, and try to slow my breathing down to a normal rate. I notice the door creak open and Finnick slides into bed, next to me. I move over to make space for him, but he puts his muscular arms around me, and I curl my body into his. He plays with a strand of my hair again. I turn to face him. "How bad is it?" I ask him.

Finnick sighs. "It's been as bad as yours for 8 whole years. Sometimes I wonder if I'd be better off dead." He whispers the second part. I've honestly wondered the same thing for myself.

I put my finger to his lips, and shush him. "Don't say that. Let's just sleep." That night I didn't dream at all.

"Wake up sweetheart." I hear someone say. It must be Haymitch. "Pack your bags, we're going home today." I sit up just as he's leaving the room. He pops his head back in, noticing the man in my bed. "Keep your hands to yourself, Odair." My mentor deadpans, "You said it yourself. She's just a girl."


	5. Chapter 5

I groan, sitting up in bed as I realize where I am. Luckily, today I finally get to go home. "Come on," I say to the bronze-haired boy next to me, "pack your stuff. We get to leave this place." I don't have much to pack- the blue dress I wore at the reaping, some outfits I wore over the course of my time in the Capitol, the black outfit I wore in the arena, some lingerie, Cinna's dresses, and of course, my mockingjay pin, which I fasten over my white blouse. I put it all in a large backpack and throw that on my back. I put on a small bit of makeup and braid my hair. The pants I'm wearing are simple forest green slacks, but they cost more than the average person makes in District 12 in a month. I guess I'll have to get accustomed to these types of luxuries, even if I don't want to.

Finnick comes up behind me. "Come on, let's get to the hovercraft." Apparently, we're taking a hovercraft to District 7, where we'll drop off Johanna and get on the train to 12. That way, we don't have to stop to refuel. Finnick, Johanna, Haymitch and I get in the elevator, push "HC" and get off at an underground stop. I hate being underground. I feel suffocated.

The hovercraft ride is short, maybe two and a half hours. The four of us play a couple card games. For the first time in a while, I can take my mind off things and try to have a good time. I even genuinely smile a few times. Then, we land in District 7. Johanna says goodbye, and tells me to call her. My house in the Victor's Village will have a phone, running water and constant electricity. Which is a nice change. Before the games, I would have to boil water on the stove and fill it into the bathtub. For my district and my family, me winning the games has brought them a lot of good things. For me, it's only brought nightmares, and turned my life into a living one. The three of us - and two staff members, take back routes in a car to get to the train station.

This train is much shorter than the one I took to the Games- only 5 cars. There's two sleeping cars, a dining/bar car, a lounge car (with a TV!) and a car where the train drivers stay. I've never seen them leave their car. When we get on the train, there's a large dinner waiting for us. I barely touch it. Finnick and Haymitch try to make small talk, but it doesn't work. My mentor gives up and retreats to his room with a bottle of liquor. I go to walk towards my room. "Sleep with me tonight?" I ask Finnick. He nods and follows me to my room. I just don't want to be alone.

I change into my pajamas in front of Finnick - even though he's Finnick Odair, _the most wanted man in Panem_ \- he feels like a close friend. I've only known him for less than a week, but we have so much in common that it almost feels like I grew up with him. Besides, according to the Capitol magazines lying around, I'm Katniss Everdeen, _the most wanted woman in Panem_. Suddenly, I can't help but wonder, are supposed to be an item? Not going to happen, especially not like this. I slide into bed. He follows suit and I shut off the lamp on my bedside table. We lie there in the dark for a few minutes, until I break the silence.

"Finnick, can you keep a secret?" I ask him, my voice trembling. He nods. "The man... who I... spent time with... the other night. As I was leaving, I, erm, got _confronted_ by... well I think it was his wife." I sniffle a little. "It wasn't that it was scary or anything, but I- I'm a _homewrecker_ "

Finnick sits up, and chuckles a little.

"What?" I ask, sounding very defensive.

"Oh, Katniss." Finnick sighs. He puts his arm around me. "First of all, nobody in the Capitol marries for love. They don't even know what the word is. It's all for power, don't you see? She just wants to keep up appearances."

He goes on to explain, "And the rest, that isn't your fault. Did you want to sleep with him?" It's a rhetorical question. We both know that the answer is no without me even saying it. "Exactly. You just did what you had to do to keep your family alive. Don't ever forget that." I can tell by the way he says it that he has trouble taking his own advice. Finnick sits up against the headboard.

"My family." I say slowly, the words drawn out. "What do I tell them?"

"Nothing. You tell them nothing," his voice is stern. "Since District 12 is one of the less popular districts, you have to lobby to get sponsors during the year, not just during the Games. It's something most of the victors do. Got it?" I nod. "And besides, the only other living victor in 12 is Haymitch, you know he's gonna back you up."

"Got it." I look up at Finnick. "Do you have a family? Back in 4?" I don't expect him to answer. But I honestly want to know.

He answers after a pregnant pause, "My mother died when I was young. I have my father, my two sisters, and..." He trails off. "You know when somebody isn't family, but you still feel that need to protect them, and Snow still could kill them if he wanted to, in order to hurt you?" Gale comes to mind. "Do you remember the 70th Games?"

I shrug. "Not really. I wasn't paying attention that year." My father died the year of the 70th, that game and the game after, I didn't even watch, except when it was mandatory. I was a bit busy feeding my family.

Finnick nodded. "Well that was the year of the flood. I had two tributes to take care of because Mags had a stroke." I met Mags in passing. I knew that she was like a mother to him. "The boy tribute- he was 12 years old, didn't want to be in the Careers. He got his head cut off less than a week in. The girl, I knew her. Annie Cresta. She was my best and closest friend growing up. I had... screwed up quite a lot that year, and to punish me, he had to kill someone close to me. When a person you love is of reaping-age, it's _oh_ so easy to rig that. Annie held her own, just keeping quiet. But, after she saw the boy tribute get his head cut off... she lost it. Wouldn't speak, wouldn't eat. Just sat there, looking off into nothing. A week went by without any deaths. Annie would just sit in the stream and drink water. The Gamemakers tried to pull an earthquake to level the playing field a bit. But the Arena, there was a dam. It broke, and the whole thing flooded. Annie was the strongest swimmer, being from 4, and it was over by sunset."

"Oh. I remember her. I think she was one of the only victors who didn't kill anybody." Out of all the beautiful women Finnick Odair could have- he choose a poor mad girl back home? Not that Annie isn't beautiful. I remember watching parts of her games at school and all of the boys in my class would wolf-whistle when she appeared on the screen. She has long dark hair and the same captivating green eyes as Finnick. But there was something about her that made her seem so interesting. I can't help but ask him, "Do you love her, Finnick?"

He shrugs. "Yes. No. Maybe. I-I don't know. I know I love her, but I don't think it's in a romantic way. I love her the way I love Mags. Yes, she's beautiful, but because of the...way she is, and worse, because of all the things I put her through, I would feel like being in a relationship with her would take advantage of her. She still cares about me, and that's the worst part. I sometimes just wish that she wouldn't want to see me, and that might make me feel better- let's just go to bed okay?" I roll over, and soon enough, we both drift to sleep.

I wake up in the middle of the night. Finnick is softly snoring. I tiptoe out of bed and into the dining car. My growling stomach reminds me I barely touched dinner last night. I would usually tune it out, but the week of eating _everything_ really didn't help that. I take one of the sandwiches that are on a tray, pour myself a glass of water, and carefully cross into the lounge car. Haymitch is watching some tapes, and drinking. A lot. I look closely at the screen - _why is he so familiar looking?_ When the boy gets attacked by two other kids, and manages to impale them both with a trident, I realize these are the Games. But, worse, these are _Finnick's_ games. 

My glass of water slips out my my hands, and shatters on the floor in a million pieces.


	6. Chapter 6

At the sound of my glass shattering, Haymitch whips his head around. "Well hello there, Sweetheart. For someone who can hunt so well, I wouldn't expect you to be such a klutz."

I ignore the backhanded compliment. Stepping over the broken glass, I sit down next to him. "Why are you watching Finnick's games?" I ask him. I've seen his Games before, but I was very young. I remember being scared by the pure look of murder on Finnick's face as he ruthlessly killed his opponents. I still catch glimpses of it, but it's so _powerful_ that it's blatantly terrifying. I grab the remote and turn the screen off as fast as I can.

"Why so nosy?" Haymitch asks, taking a long swig from his flask. "If you really want to know, I got sick of replaying mine. Someone else's Games are less painful to watch. You remember how I told you that mentoring is... taxing?" I nod, signaling for him to continue, "well watching your tributes die year, after year, after year is kind of... depressing. I've killed 47 tributes. And had to go back to face their families."

I had never really thought of why Haymitch drank - I just assumed he did because he felt like it, and it caught on. To my knowledge Haymitch didn't have any family left. I wasn't quite sure why though. Either old age or Snow. "What was so bad about your Games- besides the fact that the were the Games?" I ask him. Haymitch was in the 50th Hunger Games, 8 years before I was born.

Haymitch ran his hand through his dirty hair. "Sit back Sweetheart, this is gonna be a long story. Well I was in the second Quarter Quell. The special thing they did for the Quell was have 4 tributes from each district. The Mayor, Mayor Undersee, his wife- well her sister Maysilee was one of the people reaped, besides myself. She was a... _friend_ of mine, you could say. We weren't too close, but still we were friends, I guess. I tried to lay low during the first few days. When there were only 20 people left, I ran into Maysilee. We decided to form an alliance, like you and the the little girl."

I frown. "Her name was Rue."

Haymitch shrugs. "Alright, like you and Rue. Better?" He takes another sip from his flask. "Well we were walking and walking until we almost got to the edge of the arena. She got impatient and decided to go back. We mutually broke off the alliance and said our goodbyes. We wouldn't have been able to kill each other if it had come down to that anyways, so it was for the best. At the edge of the area was a cliff, that was really a gigantic forcefield. I would throw a rock off it, and it would bounce back. Anyways, I go to look for food, and I see that Maysilee had been attacked by mutts. I stayed with her while she died." I notice how Haymitch's voice faltered, and I realize it's the first time I've seen him be emotional.

"Like what I did with Rue." I think outloud.

"Exactly. Now fast-forward a few days, there's only me and this Career girl left. I'm running from her, holding my organs in with my hand." He lifts up his shirt and shows me a large vertical scar from his chest to his belly button. I cringe. "We're practically at the edge of the arena now, by the forcefield. She threw her axe at me, I ducked, and because of the forcefield, it hit her back in the head." He takes one more large sip from his flask, and burps loudly.

"Wow," is all I can say. "You didn't have to kill anyone."

"No, I did. I killed the girl from 9, both from 10 and the boy from 5. But that's not important. Obviously, Snow wasn't too happy with me winning by cheating, and it made the Capitol look bad, I guess you could say. A week after I got home, my parents, brother and girlfriend were all killed in front of the justice building as punishment." Haymitch sighs, "Then, Snow wanted to... sell me, but there was nobody left he could tempt to kill to make me do what he wanted."

I awkwardly pat Haymitch's shoulder, not knowing what to say to comfort him. "I'm so sorry."

He shrugs. "Whatever, sweetheart." Even though it must hurt, I can tell he's moved on - well as much as he really can. I know it's not a whatever.

"So, do you know anything about Annie Cresta?" I ask, changing the subject. What Finnick said earlier about he wanting to love her but feeling like it would be taking advantage of her really hit home for me. I think I loved Peeta, but he was too good for me. He only saw the best in me.

Haymitch nodded. "I know her a little. Annie's one of a kind. She's been through a lot of hell and still is strong. She shouldn't have won though."

"Why not?"

"The same reason Peeta didn't win. Nobody in the arena was crowned for their compassion. Him and Annie- deep down they're better than us."

My last breakfast on the train is quiet. Finnick munches on his toast. I sip hot chocolate. Haymitch drinks. "You should get ready." Finnick says, "We'll be in 12 in an hour." I put on my makeup and one of Cinna's outfits- a plain red skirt and black top. I look subtle, which is nice. Being the Girl on Fire was great for getting sponsors, but I didn't really want all of the attention. I like to blend in. I pin up my hair like I did the day of the reaping.

Finnick comes into our car. He says nothing, but kisses me on the cheek. "Be confident. They're excited to have you back."

"Shouldn't they hate me? I killed my district partner." My eyesight blurs as I tear up at the mention of Peeta.

"Not again." Haymitch sighs impatiently. "Just go out there and get it over with. Look happy. We'll help you get moved in after." I nod and the two boys leave the room.

Finnick sticks his head back in. "Oh and Katniss?" I raise my eyebrows. "Nobody knows about your dates." I realize that even though I'll be home, it won't be the same now. I just hope I'll be able to act normal.

I step out of the train, and there's a huge croud of people cheering for me. I smile and wave at them, to the best of my ability. I see Prim sitting on Gale's shoulders. She gives me a thumbs up and blows a kiss. Gale just nods. My mother smiles at me. I walk down the staircase on the side of the train platform, and shake hands with the mayor, Mr. Undersee. "It's good to have you back." Mr. Undersee smiles at me.

I run over to my sister Prim, who jumps into my arms. "I missed you, little duck." I murmur into her ear. "Come on, we have to move into our new house."

I take Prim's hand, and walk with her and my mother to our old home to get our stuff. My mother kisses my cheek. "I packed up everything, including your things. The only thing we have to do is carry it over. Gale said he wouldn't mind grabbing some boxes and help us so we can get stuff done quick-"

"Mom." I cut her off. "Breathe. We have all the time in the world to bring the things over. And thank you." I would like to work on my relationship with her, so the first thing I need to do is forgive her. We don't have a lot of things to bring over- there's four boxes of all of our posessions, plus Lady, Buttercup and a large rolling cart filled with my mothers apothecary-related things. We gave our kitchen table and chairs to the Hawthornes. "I'll be right back, okay?" I need to talk to Gale.

Hazelle Hawthorne is a second mother to me. I walk up to her and hug her tightly. "I'm so glad you're alright." She gives me _that_ knowing smile- she knows something has changed within me, but is polite enough to not pry. She'll assume it's the whole murdering other children thing. I hug little Posy, Vick and Rory. I can't find Gale. "He's in his room." Hazelle tells me, knowing I was looking for him. She has that motherly instinct.

"Gale?" I ask tentatively, entering his room. He's sitting on his bed, staring out of the window. He turns around and stands up to hug me. I feel so much better being in his arms. I don't know long we just hold each other before I begin to cry softly.

He wipes my tears away with his thumb. "Hey there, Catnip. I told you I'd see you soon." He takes in my expression. The girl he knew as his hunting partner is not the girl in his arms right now. "We'll talk later. Let's get you settled in." We walk arm and arm to my house, where all of the boxes have been moved. "Wow. The Victor's Village it is, then." I can tell he doesn't like the idea of me living there.

"So," I ask him, "how did Prim take... everything?" Watching me almost die a few times couldn't have been the most pleasant experience.

"She didn't leave Rory's side the whole time," Gale laughs. He enters the house before me. Never before have I seen him looked this shocked. "What the hell?"

My mother is in the kitchen with Prim, making tea. That's normal. But in my living room are Haymitch, Johanna, and Finnick. Haymitch waves at me. I turn to Gale. "Gale, this my mentor, Haymitch, this is Johanna Mason, and this is Finnick Odair."

"Who's your cousin? He's cute." Johanna smirks at me.

"This is Gale." I do a double-take. Johanna's supposed to be in District 7. "Wait, I thought you went home."

"I don't have a home." Johanna rolls her eyes.

Gale stomps his foot impatiently. "Alright someone needs to explain why they're all here."

Haymitch pours himself a glass of some type of liquor. "Sit down boy, I'll explain everything."

"Only some of it, Haymitch." Finnick adds quietly. "You know, the parts he needs to know." He means well, but I shoot him a look. That was a given.

My mother and Prim are smart enough to excuse themselves- Prim and my mother go upstairs to unpack our clothing. We all have our own bedrooms now. There's four bedrooms- I'll be sleeping in the master bedroom, my mother in the second, Prim in the third, and Finnick's taking the guest bedroom. Johanna is staying with Haymitch. I think they have history from the way she keeps shooting him glances.

Gale raises his eyebrows but sits down on the couch between Haymitch and Johanna. I sit on the love seat next to Finnick. "I deserve the truth." Gale says stubbornly.

"Let me." Finnick says, putting his arm around me. I put my head on his shoulder. Gale looks at us weirdly. I shake my head at him, nothing's going on between us. He doesn't look too convinced. Finnick sighs, continuing. "Winning the games is... even worse than losing."

"How so?" Gale asks. I can tell from the edge in his voice that he doesn't trust Finnick.

"Nightmares." Me and Haymitch say at the same time.

"That's not just it." Johanna adds. "You have death on your hands. And your 'cousin' over here has a conscience. Also she was in the Hunger Games, for god's sake. That's not exactly most people's idea of a fun time."

"But for some Victors, they have duties in the Capitol after their games. No offense, but 12 isn't the most popular district, so Katniss has to spend about two months in the Capitol per year." Finnick sugar-coats.

"Mentors don't just try to get sponsors during the games. They have to make acquaintances year-round. Whoever is gonna have to go in next year is gonna need as much help as they can get. Especially because we're from 12. I have to mentor, so it's my job to help them." I lie.

Gale looks at me strangely. I can't read him. "Why do you care? You never used to care about the Capitol. Or any of this stuff. The Katniss I know would never make out with that kid in a cave. And we both know what you've said about him." Gale pointed to Finnick. Gale and I were never too fond of Finnick, because we thought he would go into the Capitol for the sake of going through all of the Capitol women. "When did we start keeping secrets from each other?"

"Well what I had said was wrong. People make judgements." I defend myself. I realize what had happened between me and Gale was that I changed, and he didn't adapt. Not yet. I hope he will. "I'm only trying to protect you." I whisper.

"I think I know what's going on here." Johanna steps in. "You like her. And you were jealous of whats-his-face. Peter. Whatever. You thought that when she came back, you two could get together, and you think she chose Finnick. You're totally wrong. You. Are. Wrong. If you could open your eyes for a minute and see that Katniss is saving your god-damn life-"

She cuts herself off. "I've said too much, haven't I?"

Haymitch shakes his head. "No, you've said just enough."

"I didn't choose anyone, Gale. I'm just trying to be okay, alright? This was hard for me. I'm still _reeling_ over what happened. If you wouldn't mind being a little sympathetic once in a while, they've been through this too so they get it."

Gale stands up. "Well you know what Katniss? I don't care. You can go be with Slut Odair. It doesn't matter to me." He slams the door as he storms off. I sigh, defeated.

"Not a slut. A whore. There's a difference," Finnick mutters.

Prim tiptoes out from under the table. I didn't even know she was downstairs. "I've never seen Gale like that," she sounds astonished. "I don't know what's going on, but I know that you're trying you're best Katniss. I love you, okay?" The three mentors are floored that this is coming out of a 12-year-old. I stand up and give Prim a hug.

"I love you too." I say, smiling. She's too wise for her years.

"Why don't you all go to Haymitch's house and help your friends settle in?" Prim suggests politely. I can tell that she knows I feel too numb to be around family. She's too good. I kiss her cheek.

Haymitch opens a new bottle of liquor. It's Johanna's favorite, vodka. They mix it with other drinks. Haymitch makes me one. "Trust me, sweetheart. It'll help." It burns my throat, like last time. But I like it. Three drinks later, I've forgotten about Gale being a jerk, and all of the hurt and everything else. The alcohol provides a different numbness. I feel numb, but I also feel bubbly. Almost happy. Haymitch is rambling about on about some conspiracy in the Capitol but nobody's really listening. I go to stand up and get another drink, but I fall flat on my face.

"Finnick? Where's Finnick?" I ask, drunk and confused. He's right behind me. "Let's go home, Finnick." It's eight o'clock, but it feels so much later. He helps me up, but I can't walk two feet without stumbling. He sighs, saying good night to Johanna and Haymitch, and picks me up bridal-style, walking me over to my house next door in the village.

All of the Hawthornes, Prim and my mother are at the table talking about something. Gale included. They all turn around and stare at me and Finnick. I start to giggle.

"Um. Miss Everdeen." Finnick says to my mother. He looks around awkwardly. "I think she needs to get some rest." He puts me down in one of the living room chairs.

"Who are you and what did you do to my daughter?" My mother stands up, way too defending.

"Katniss was with me, Johanna and Haymitch at his house. I took her back here so she can go to sleep. She's a little... over-tired," Finnick explains.

"He's the Finnick Odair. From District 4." Rory whispers, amazed at the celebrity in the same room as him.

Hazelle smiles kindly at Finnick. "It's nice to meet you, Finnick." She turns to my mother. "He doesn't mean any harm."

Gale stands up. "The hell he does. He has a thing for Katniss."

I manage to sit up for a minute. "Nohedoesn't," I slur, leaning back on the couch, very tired and very drunk.

Finnick sighs, talking to my mother, "Your daughter is beautiful, but the only feelings I have for her are of a friendly nature. Not a romantic one. Now if you'll excuse me." He goes over to me, and picks me up. He brings me up the staircase, changes me into a nightshirt, and tucks me in. "I'll be down the hallway."

I'm able to sleep for a few hours, but I'm woken up to sound of my own screams. A minute later, my mother, Prim, Gale and Finnick are all in my room. "What happened?" Gale asks. Apparently, he stayed the night. I'm startled and on the verge of breaking down.

"Nightmare." Finnick responds for me, handing me a glass of tea. My hands are shaking. The three other people in the room are confused. He sits down on the edge of my bed. "It's a victor thing. You have to remember she endured what you watched, and she couldn't turn it off. Tracker jacker stings, dehydration and starvation, the death of the girl from 11, almost dying multiple times, and killing 3 people. Plus some other things." My mother nods, going back to bed and Prim goes with her, but Gale just leans on the door frame as Finnick tries to calm me down.

I climb out of bed and lay on Finnick's lap. He twirls with a strand of my hair. "It was about that blond Capitol woman. She threw a knife at her husband... because of... you know. And then turned into Clove, who turned into a mutt and killed me." I start sobbing. "I'm a terrible person."

Finnick shakes his head. "It was just a dream. She won't find out. And if she does, she'll play dumb, trust me. I know Capitol women. And no, you're not a terrible person. You're trying to protect your family."

Gale walks towards me. I had forgotten he was even in the room. "Katniss, what are you even talking about?"

I try to look at the situation through Gale's eyes. He's totally in the dark. "I can't tell him anything, can I?" I ask Finnick.

He shakes his head. "That would defeat the whole purpose of doing all of that to keep him alive."

I shrug, unsure what to do. "Just go home, Gale. We can talk in the morning."

_No, we can't._


	7. Chapter 7

When Gale shuts the door I slump down, defeated. There's no way we can go back to the old Katniss and Gale. I was surprised that Johanna thinks he likes me, and even more surprised Gale didn't deny it. I just don't want to deal with this. I don't want guys _liking_ me, or people being around me in general. They're all going to get hurt. I want to just jump over the fence into the forest and never look back. Of course, now that's an impossibility.

"Are you okay?" Finnick asks me.

I shrug. "I can't answer that." For once today, I've told someone the truth.

"I know this is hard on you- trust me, I get it more than anyone else here. I know sometimes- hell, _all_ the time- it seems like it would be a good idea to give up. Don't. It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart," Finnick warns me. I wonder what's happened to him. I know better than to ask.

"Sometimes I wish I could just make everything stop," I tell Finnick. He nods understandingly. I fall asleep to the sound of him humming a song I've never heard of.

 

I wake up to the sunlight shining through the curtains. Finnick's gone. I'm in no position to face today. I roll over, about to fall back asleep, when a loud crash startles me. I jump straight up, looking for the nearest weapon. There isn't any around me. I groan. Never startle a victor. I change into a pair of slacks and one of my favorite plain shirts, and go downstairs to figure out what the noise was. 

From the window, I see Prim and Rory playing catch, and my mother and Hazelle drinking tea on the porch, with Posy in her mother's arms. The Hawthornes are over, so that means Gale or someone else is yelling. I tiptoe down the stairs, but Johanna and Gale turn around to look at me. I sigh. Finnick's cooking something on the stovetop, and Johanna are Gale are also in the kitchen, just staring at me. I must have interrupted something. 

Johanna's holding a frying pan in her hand and Gale looks poised to attack her, like an animal about to jump on his prey. She puts the pan down, and I can tell that there's an indent in the handle from where she was gripping it.

"What happened here?" I ask, sounding motherly. i just don't want to deal with this. This is so unfair. I want to remind them that this is _my_ house, and nobody asked them to be here.

Finnick puts his hands up in defense, and goes back to cooking.

Gale is the first to break the silence. "You two are fucking, aren't you?" His hands are clenched angrily at his fists. I flash back to when Finnick took my virginity before I began my dates. It wasn't out of pity- it could almost be considered him trying to protect me. Or just show me that not all sex is terrible.

"No!" Both Finnick and I say exclaim the same time.

"What's really going on here?" I ask Gale. I know that he wants to ask something else. Was Johanna right? Is he _jealous_ of Finnick and I? He sure shouldn't be. There's nothing between us. I'm really not even that attractive. Someone like Glimmer could have been better for him. And besides, I always thought he was crushing on my friend Madge. And she'd always ask me about him.

"Ever since you've come back from the Games, you've been... different." Gale says, putting his hand in his pocket. "Everything about you is different. More Capitol. And suddenly you have a bunch of your friends move in too! And you're drinking. I'm starting to wonder if I even ever knew you in the first place."

I sigh. "Give me a break. I just got back from the _freaking_ Hunger Games. Of course I'm not okay! Would it kill you to be a little sympathetic? You're so selfish!" I look around. I can't be here right now. "I need to be alone for a little bit." I slam the door on the way out.

 

By the Hob is a thirty foot tall tree. My father would take me to it when I was younger. He thought teaching me to climb trees would be important. The skill ended up saving my life a few times. I place my feet in the same spots on the familiar branches and climb to the very top. It's mid-October, and the leaves have a yellowish orange tinge to them. Before I left for the Games, I was scared to get above ten feet. And now I'm at the top.

I can see most of District 12 from up here. The coal mines in the east, the Seam in the north, the merchant's part of 12 in the west and the Justice building in the center. South is District 11.

I want to run away from it all. But I know that wherever I go, my problems will go with me. It's no use. I feel a large pouch of coins in my shorts pocket. I decide to go the Hob.

It's early in the morning- maybe seven- and not everyone's here. I try to buy something from every stand. It feels weird to not have my game bag on my shoulder. Today I'm buying- not selling. I get a small cup of Greasy Sae's "beef" stew. It's really squirrel. But that's fine with me. The unspoken motto of 12 is that any food is better than no food. Greasy Sae gives me the entrails for Buttercup. Prim'll be happy I thought of that terribly ugly cat of hers. I can't help but notice that everyone looks at me a little different now. I groan inwardly. I buy a bottle of liquor for Haymitch, some mint leaves for my mother, and a pink beaded bracelet for Prim. When I get back to the Victor's village, I can here Hazelle talking sternly to Gale. His nose is bloody. And Finnick's sulking like a small child.

Johanna sees my confusion. "Finnick punched Gale in the face. He kind of deserved it." I knit my eyebrows together, not putting all of the pieces together. "He called Odair a man-whore." I frown. Fantastic choice of words.

"That must have hurt him way more than intended." I frown. I go sit down next to Finnick.

"You know Gale didn't mean it like that. He doesn't know," I try to console Finnick. He nods, but I can see the hurt reflected in his sea green eyes. I push his bronze hair out of his face. I can tell that these two will never like each other. I better not have to choose between the two of them. Then again, at the rate things are going now, I would most probably choose Finnick over Gale in a heartbeat.

I am astonished with myself. Since when would I ever not want Gale around. He was my best friend. I'm not sure if he still is, but I don't want to write him off just yet. I need to do something about this.

"Okay!" I yell, to get the attention of everyone downstairs. It works, and everyone stops talking to listen to me. "Everyone in this house is different. Some of us are even from other districts. Regardless, we all just need to suck it up, and get to know people. You're all living in the same house, pretty much. Or you're neighbors. But you're gonna be seeing a lot of everyone, so get used to it." I look directly at Gale. "Even if you don't particularly like someone, be civil. You don't know their lives, and what they've been through. Everyone in this whole house has suffered at one point, a few are suffering right now. Am I making myself clear?"

I don't know why, but people seem to listen to me when I act authoritative. It's strange, but it gets the job done. I decide I'm going to spend some time with Prim when the phone rings. I'm not used to having a phone. Hazelle picks it up. "Hello?" She asks, answering the phone. I see the color drain out of her face. "Yes, of course. I'll put her on in a moment." Hazelle turns to me. "You might want to take it upstairs." I look at Finnick and Johanna, nodding at them for them go come with me. Gale tags along as well.

"Hello?" I pick up the phone in the study.

"Hello, Miss Everdeen." It's President Snow.

I'm startled. I try to compose myself, and act an Effie-level of polite. "To what do I owe the honor of a telephone call?"

"I have... a proposition for you regarding our buisness agreement. You do remember it, correct?"

"Y-yes. Of course." I reply. This could only mean one thing. Another date. I don't want to deal with this right now, but I can't let that show.

"Well, I believe you are acquainted with Mister Odair? And is he in District 12 with you right now?"

"Yes I am acquainted with Mister Odair, and yes, he is in District 12. If you don't mind me asking sir- why is this of importance?"

"Oh, no reason. Just curious." He tells me, drawing out his words uncomfortably.

He adds, "However, after some recent talk in the papers, it seems that would almost expect the two of you to become an item. However, it would be advisable if you two remained totally platonic. That would be... _preferable_. And we both know know that things are better for both of us when they go my way."

"I couldn't agree more." I say without the slightest hint of irony. I go totally pale.

"I'm glad that we see eye to eye on this Miss Everdeen. It would be... unfortunate if we had not. Well, as always, a pleasure doing buisness with you. Have a good night, Miss Everdeen."

"Thank you. Have a good night, Mister President." I wait for him to hang up before I slam the phone down.

 

"What the hell was that?" Gale asks. He's fuming. I can tell hearing me talk on the phone to the president about Finnick Odair was not a very good idea.

"Housewarming," I lie, "he wanted to see if I was settled in."

"Then why did I hear Odair's name?" Gale stands up, clenching his fists. Johanna pushes on his shoulders, sitting him back down.

I swallow the lump in my throat thats rising. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you."

Finnick looks at me uncomfortably. "Katniss, can I talk to you... in private?"

"Would you two mind stepping out for a minute?" I ask Gale and Johanna. Johanna nods, dragging him into the hallway.

As soon as the door closes, I decide to tell Finnick the whole truth. "I don't know, he asked me if you were here, and I said that you were. I don't know why. Honestly."

Finnick looks at me uncomfortably.

"Do you think he knows?" I ask, terror in my voice.

"You mean...?" Finnick trails off.

I don't get a chance to respond, because Gale's back in the room. "Sorry," Johanna groans from behind him, "He's twice my height."

"Want to tell me what's _really_ going on?" Gale asks me. It's not a question though, it's a demand. Johanna sits down next to him her expression unreadable.

"No. She doesn't," she shorter girl answers me. "And believe me when I say that you don't wanna know."

I look around at the situation unfolding before me. Johanna Mason is trying to protect me, I lost my virginity to Finnick Odair, and my best friend probably hates me, and I don't even know why. I try to think about it from his point of view, but I can't. This is way too complicated. Then again, I'd be pretty confused if Gale pretended to love some strange girl, won the Hunger Games, came back with Finnick as a best friend, and possibly fucking Johanna Mason. I almost feel a twinge of _jealousy,_ but I can't put a finger on why. I don't love Gale. Hell, I'm not even sure I like him. But he's still mine, and I'm still his. I feel guilty for putting that at risk.

I have to shake myself out of it. What's up with the Stockholm Syndrome? He should be apologizing to _me._ After a minute, I finally speak. "Look. None of this is anyone's fault, so could we stop with the blame game? Gale, if it bothers you what they say about Finnick, then just walk out the door. It's no different from what they say about me. Finn, Gale's not that bad. He's the closest friend I've got, and while some of it's hard to understand, you gotta realize that he's totally in the dark right now. Now, we're all gonna get along and stop acting like _children_ or, you're gonna leave and not come back." Johanna shoots me a thumbs up and Gale and Finnick nod. I give a half smile.

"Just one question," Gale asks Finnick, "do you love her?"

Finnick groans, and Johanna laughs loudly. "I've known Katniss for less than two weeks. No, I don't love her. I don't even know the first thing about her."

That answer seems good enough for Gale, and he nods, relaxing. "Good. She's my family, and if you lay a finger on her, I _will_ kill you."

"I'd like to see you try." Johanna and Finnick say at the same time.


	8. Chapter 8

My nightmare is different tonight. I don't even remember it, but all I know is that I'm terrified. These past few months, they've all been the same. ""Katniss." Finnick calls my name, trying to wake me up. "What just happened to you?"

"Nightmare," I groan. The clock on my nightstand says it's 2 o'clock in the morning.

"I figured as much," Finnick sighs, putting his hands behind his head. "But it was different. You were just... sobbing." I notice the dried tears on my face. I didn't even realize I was crying. Finnick strokes my cheek, and wipes the tears away with the pad of his thumb. I can't help but notice how I feel a jolt of electricity where he touches me. I push that to the back of my mind, throwing it off as me just missing human contact.

"I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?" I ask Finnick. Great, now other people are losing sleep over me.

"You kinda smacked me," he sighs, running his hands through his mussed up hair. "It's really okay." He puts his arm around me. Neither of us know what to say. There's nothing _to_ say. We could lie and say that it'll get better in time, but we both know that's not true. Haymitch has been having nightmares for almost 25 years. "Try to get some sleep, okay?" I lie my head down on Finnick's muscular chest, and drift off a little.

I wake up to the sound of my mother yelling. At first I think it's a nightmare, but I realize it isn't very quickly. I jolt out of bed, and notice that I'm alone. It must be from downstairs. Oh god. My mind drifts to the worst possible solution. I sprint down the staircase, and to my relief she's fine. Just at the table with a very topless Finnick. "Katniss. Good. You're awake." She sighs. "We need to talk."

"I'm sorry. _Again_." Finnick grumbles.

"Your _boyfriend _over here means to tell me that you're going back to that wretched place... The Capitol."__

__"Not my boyfriend." I correct her._ _

__"We can talk about _him _later. Why are you going there? That can't possibly be safe, and you're going to be interacting with the _people_ on top of that?"___ _

____I sigh and can't help but roll my eyes. "Hey, mother? It's been almost five months since I've gotten back. Remember? Victory tour?"_ _ _ _

____She sighs, leaning over the counter. "Yes, yes. Of course. My bad." She stalks out of the room. _What's gotten into everyone?"__ _ _ _

____ _ _

____Once all my bags are packed, I visit Prim. She's been spending a lot of time at Rory's house lately. I think they like each other, and it's pretty cute. I stop in to say goodbye to Hazelle, Rory and Gale (who hugs me, surprisingly). Prim and I sit down and talk for a little, I remind her to be nice to mom and do all of her homework; the usual. She kisses my cheek and hugs me tightly. It's much less bittersweet than the last time since I'm not going to die. A small part of myself reminds me that while I'll still be alive, everytime I go back, it feels like a part of me dies._ _ _ _

____I go change into a tight knee-length black skirt and a white draped shirt. I look professional, but appropriate. My makeup is simple. I have pale pink lipstick and black eyeliner. I look pretty, but simple. I feel more like Katniss Everdeen, District 12 Victor, as opposed to Katniss Everdeen, Capitol Whore. Even though I'm both, I'd prefer to be known as the former._ _ _ _

____The lunch is at the Mayor's house. I've been there before because it's also Madge's house, but I've never been to the Banquet Hall. It's much less fancy than the ones in the other districts, but it's the nicest thing I've ever seen in 12. It's a room with high ceilings and a large glass table that looks like it could seat twenty people comfortably. There's the Mayor, his wife (who luckily isn't having one of her headaches), Madge, Haymitch, me and some 12 officials I've never seen before. There's a lot of good food (but not so much as to be wasteful, which I appreciate) and after I give a speech to the whole district._ _ _ _

____I stick to the script- how I'm so happy to be back, and hopefully I'll be able to bring back another tribute next year when I mentor. When it comes time to mention Peeta, I wasn't given anything to say. I tuck a piece of my hair behind my ear and take a deep breath. "I had every intention of bringing Peeta home, with or without me. Sadly, we both realized that there could only be one winner. He sacrificed himself so I could live. And I can never repay him. To his family- I'm truly so so sorry. He should be the one giving a speech right now, not me." My district does not clap. They do the three-fingered salute just like they did when I volunteered for Prim. I dab a tissue under my right eye to wipe away a few tears that threaten to fall. I don't want to think about Peeta, not at least for a while._ _ _ _

____Haymitch gives me a small smile when I get off the stage. "You did well, sweetheart. Now we gotta get on our train." There's no grand ceremony, or goodbye. I think it's better that way._ _ _ _

____Effie's waiting for me on the train. She's wearing high heels and one of her pastel-colored wigs. At first, I wanted to hate the Capitol woman. But now, I think of her as almost a friend. To her surprise, I hug the Capitol woman when I see her. "Hello, Katniss." She smiles at me._ _ _ _

____"I missed you Effie." I tell her._ _ _ _

____"Come on, let's go get you ready." 11 is right next to 12, so the train ride is only an hour. Cinna gave me a short, dark blue dress to wear. I haven't seen him at all, but we write letters to each other, and he seems to pick out my wardrobe down to the jewelry. It's very hot in District 11, so there's spaghetti straps. I'm not sure why it has that name. I braid my hair, as usual. Effie offers to help me with my makeup. She seems very eager. "I promise you'll love it." I can't be bothered to say no. I wonder if Capitol girls do their makeup growing up._ _ _ _

____When she's done, I look stunning. I look as if my whole prep team has been here and more. I'm speechless. "Wow, Effie. I don't know what to say. Why aren't you a stylist?"_ _ _ _

____She smiles at me. "Originally, I wanted to be. But I really wanted to see the Districts and I figured being an escort would be better. You get very attached. I can almost put up with Haymitch. And I was offered a position as escort for District 8, but I chose not to take it." I'm taken aback. She's changed a lot from the Effie I assumed she was. She seems caring, in a way that I can tell I mean more to her than a piece of entertainment. "Well, we have to be on time. Good luck, Katniss."_ _ _ _

____District 11 is huge. It has to be at least be ten times the size of 12. Most of it is fields but I can see a few small towns. On the right of the stage are the families of Thresh and Rue. I can't bear to look at them. The mayor says a few words about the history of the games, and then it's my turn._ _ _ _

____I stick to my script that's the same for all districts. And then I have to talk about Rue and Thresh. I turn to their families. "First, Rue. We met in the Training Center. We had only exchanged friendly smiles, but I knew that I liked her. When I was hiding up in that tree, she showed me the tracker jacker nest and gave me the idea to drop it. She saved my life by protecting me after I got stung." I'm worried that I'll begin to tear up. So I take a deep breath before continuing. "And I couldn't save her. To that, I'm truly sorry. And Thresh, he saved my life when the girl from District 2 attacked me. My condolences to their families, and I wish them the best. And to the whole District: thank you for the bread." A man whistles my tune, and I hear a gunshot. I'm dragged off-stage by a Peacekeeper. I hear four gunshots. The dinner is canceled._ _ _ _

____Haymitch pulls me down onto a chair once we get on the train. I'm shaking. "W-what was that?" I ask him._ _ _ _

____"District 11 is very strict. They're worried about rebellion. They'll kill anyone without a second thought if they might possibly do something rebellious." My mentor explains. I can tell he's choosing his words very carefully._ _ _ _

____"Rebellion?" I ask. "Aren't the districts too scared to go into rebellion?"_ _ _ _

____Haymitch shakes his head. "Not now." I can tell that there's more to this. I push it aside. Like there would actually be a rebellion, with the Quell coming up._ _ _ _

____The districts blend together in my mind- I say the same thing in 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, and 5. I didn't know any of the tributes so the speeches were shorter. Johanna lives in 4 now, so I didn't get to see her in 7. However, the Mayor of 7 did ask me to send his regards to her when I get to 4. In 5, I learned that Foxface's name was Finch. I get to District 4 three weeks into the victory tour. I'm immediately breath-taken by the beautiful water. This has to be the most beautiful district I've seen so far._ _ _ _

____Effie finds me when we get close. "Katniss, we're almost there!" She tells me. She sounds excited. This is her first victory tour, and she's ecstatic to see all of the districts. "You know who lives in District 4? Finnick Odair." Finnick left via hovercraft with Johanna to head back to 4 as soon as I started the Victory Tour, so I don't think Effie met him. She sighs dreamily. Seriously, who doesn't love him? Even Prim was starstruck by him. And me, Katniss Everdeen- out of all the people in all of Panem- I'm the one who has privilege of being his friend, that's it. I'm honestly not sure why. I dress a little bit more promiscuous than usual just for him. I put on a short pink-orange dress, that isn't very revealing in it's style, but just covers my butt. According to Cinna, I have great legs and it's sinful to not show them off._ _ _ _

____I'm greeted to applause - apparently District 4 has a policy where they greet all victors with applause, unless they killed one of 4's tributes. In which case they just clap politely. I didn't kill anyone from 4, and frankly I don't think I would've been able to, even if I tried. Thankfully, I was greeted with the former. It's nice for a change. I give my speech, but instead of heading straight to the mayor's house after, Haymitch leads me down a street and to District 4's victor's village. The dinner is 3 nights from now because the Mayor is on a business trip. We're going to Finnick's house._ _ _ _

____We ring the doorbell and a tall, bronze-haired woman opens the door for us. She's beautiful, to say the least. At first I assume she's Annie, but when I get a better look at her face, I can see the resembelance tell she has to Finnick's older sister. She has to be at least ten years older than him. She hugs Haymitch. "How are you? It's been too long." Then she turns to me and grins at me. "You must be Katniss." She kisses my cheek. "Finn never shuts up about you: Katniss this, Katniss that. It's adorable." I blush. "Well, you two should come in."_ _ _ _

____The Odair household is similar to mine in layout, but the design's totally different. It feels very beachy, and the design reflects that. Johanna's sitting in the living room, chatting with a few other people. She stands up and hugs me tightly when she sees me. "I missed you." She says, just quietly enough that only I can hear it. "You met Finnick's sister, Adrienne already." She motions to two women who are drinking coffee at the table. "This is Finnick's half-sister, Dahlia and her mother Juliet." Dahlia looks like she could be my age. Even though they're half siblings, she looks totally different from Finnick and Adrienne with her straight, black hair, red lips, and pale skin. Something about her is off-putting, and I'm not sure what. Juliette looks similar to her daugher- she's a little shorter than me and has dark black hair, with pin-straight bangs. Her red lips are too dark for her pale skin. They both smile at me in a very polite fashion. Something tells me they are icy. I can't tell what district they're from, they don't really look like they belong from any of them._ _ _ _

____Johanna walks me to the living room. There's a girl who looks like a cross between Juliette and Adrienne- tanned but with dark hair, sea green eyes but blood-red lips. She's furiously tying knots in a string. "Katniss, this is Annie Cresta. Annie?" Johanna tries to get her attention._ _ _ _

____She puts down the knots, but doens't turn to look at me. I sit down next to her. "Hi, Annie." She turns to look at me, and she flings her arms around my neck. The way she smiles at me makes me feel like I've known her forever._ _ _ _

____"Hi, Katniss! Wow, I really get to meet you. I watched your games and they were nice. I like your hair!" She's very hyper. Before I can say something, she's back to tying knots and staring off at nothing. While Annie is a bit odd, going from hyper to spaced-out in a moment's notice, she doesn't seem quite as mad as people claim she is. Haunted from her games, would be a better description. She's just a little odd. I like her._ _ _ _

____Johanna sits me and Haymitch down. "So let me get this straight. After his mom passed, Finnick's father married Juliette?" Haymitch shakes his head in confusion. "Something about her is off." Johanna shrugs in partial agreement._ _ _ _

____"I've known him for almost 10 years, and he won't tell me."_ _ _ _

____Juliette and Dahlia leave to go to some type of spa. Henry's out fishing and Annie went to collect sea shells._ _ _ _

____"Where's Finnick?" I ask Adrienne. She grins at me, expecting me to ask. We've been playing cards for the past hour against Haymitch and Johanna, and kicking their asses. Haymitch swears it's beginners luck, but we both know he's just making that up._ _ _ _

____She sighs. "Some VIP Sponsor from the Capitol came to talk to him about sending types of medicine. I dunno." I can tell she's annoyed by this. I look at Haymitch- we both know what that really means. "Apparently a few are even coming to talk to you." Bile rises in my throat, and I have to swallow uncomfortably to keep it down._ _ _ _

____Haymitch rolls his eyes. "Don't you just love Capitol people?"_ _ _ _

____Adrienne shushes him. "Juliette and Dahlia are from the Capitol. They're always trying to get us to move back there, but Finnick won't let it happen. He hates it there." I don't blame him._ _ _ _

____"You said I'm meeting them as well?" I ask her._ _ _ _

____"Yeah, Finnick left this list." She hands me a piece of paper. Written in neat blue pen is a list of clients._ _ _ _

____1\. 5 Ocean Street, 2:00_ _ _ _

____2\. 14 Shell Street, 4:00_ _ _ _

____3\. 23 Main Street, 5:00_ _ _ _

____I pass the list to Haymitch and Johanna. They're as disgusted as I am. I quickly compose myself. "That's pretty cool, three potential sponsors in one day. I look at the clock on the wall. It's 1:30. "I better get going, I should be back for dinner." I hug all three of them._ _ _ _

____Johanna reminds me, "They're from the Capitol, you should touch up your makeup." I understand the double-meaning behind her words. In her room upstairs is my large bag filled with revealing lingerie. I thought I left it back in 12. I mentally remind myself to thank her later. I put on a red lacy set and my sunset colored dress back over that. I put on short, tan high heels and touch up my makeup. I yell goodbye, and half-sprint out the door. I'm terrified about what'll happen if I'm late._ _ _ _

____Luckily, I'm not. I get there a few minutes before my first "date" does. He's younger than what I'd expect, maybe in his late twenties. I take a deep breath and turn on my flirtatious side. And he believes it. As soon as he's done, I'm onto my next date, and then the one after. I try to remove myself from the situation. This isn't me, it's the Capitol's Katniss Everdeen. It always starts with them politely kissing me on the cheek- its a Capitol thing, and me smiling flirtatiously. And it ends with them thanking me. "It was worth every penny." They always say. If only I got to keep that money for myself. If only. By the time I get back to Finnick's house, my eye makeup is smudged beyond belief and my hair is loose instead of in it's braid. I fix my hair and try to make myself look normal, but it doesn't work, really. I pull out my pocket mirror, and make myself look okay. i just really can't deal with this though. I feel worthless. I even smell gross. I open up the door and everyone's home. Juliette and Dahlia are talking with a very bored Johanna and Annie. Adrienne, Haymitch and Henry are all drinking. Finnick's sitting next to Haymitch, but I can tell somethings on his mind. Everyone stops talking and stares when I close the door behind me._ _ _ _

____Finnick and I make eye contact and suddenly it's just the two of us. He rushes towards me and I hobble over to him. My feet are blistered from walking around in my heels and I'm sore beyond belief. But when he puts his arms around me, all of that seems to go away. "I missed you so much." I whisper. He justs holds me tightly, not saying anything._ _ _ _

____"We can talk after dinner, okay?" Finnick asks me, walking over to the dinner table with me. I nod. He puts his arm around me, and I'm comforted immediately. He seems like the only person I can come to._ _ _ _


	9. Chapter 9

Adrienne, Johanna, and Dahlia make fish for dinner. Henry caught it. It feels nice to have a homemade meal. It reminds me of when I used to catch my own food. Except this time, I'm eating fish, and not squirrels. Don't get me wrong, I do not miss starving to death. But I sometimes wish I could go back to how simple things used to be. There's polite conversation, but only enough to make it feel not awkward. Adrienne and Finnick go to clean up the dishes, and I decide to talk to Dahlia.

"Hi. You're Dahlia, right?" I ask her. I've never been too good at making friends, so I never really know what to say to start a conversation. She must be fourteen or fifteen, maybe even my age, bit she carries herself in a way that makes me sense she has an old soul. She smells like Capitol perfume and the beach. It's a weird combination. She's so different from everyone else here. I wonder what's that like. I can't help but want to get to know her.

She nods, pursing her lips. "And you're Katniss Everdeen." The way she says it sounds almost spiteful.

I can't help but frown for the slightest second. "Is that a bad thing?"

"Not really." Dahlia shrugs. "I don't know you. Finnick - he _liiikes_ you. Everyone can tell but him. It's funny. And I think that's why my mother can't stand you-" She cuts herself off, blush creeping up her cheeks. "Sorry. I didn't mean- my bad."

I shake my head and smile a little. "It's fine, really," I assure her. I plan on continuing the conversation, but Johanna is dragging me next door to Annie's house, where I'll be staying.

Annie's house is on the right of Finnick's. An elderly victor, Mags, lives on the left of Finnick. She's like the mother Finnick never had. They've been close for years. Johanna lives with Annie, and Finnick spends most of his time at their house. It's quieter than the Odair's household, and I appreciate that. After all that I've been through today, I really would just like to sit down. "Need a hand?" Finnick asks, seeing how I wobble in my high heels. I don't have time to answer, because he picks me up and carries me into the house. I let out a tiny giggle. _Giggle_. Ugh. I can't help but think about what everyone's been implying about Finnick. I don't know what to believe, and I don't know how to feel about it. So I choose to push it to the back of my mind, ignoring it. i deal with that when I have to.

We all sit down in the living room. I'm between Finnick and Annie on the sofa, Haymitch is sitting on a chair, and Johanna's stretched out on the love-seat, her feet dangling on Haymitch's lap. He looks slightly annoyed, but doesn't say anything.

"How was your day?" I ask Finnick.

"Terrible." He frowns. "There were 3 people from the Capitol, all wanting to meet the Finnick Odair. Ugh." I smile sympathetically at him.

"Exact same situation over here." I put my head on Finnick's chest.

"If I were you, I would just tell them to bug off. They can't control your life" Annie suggests to both of us.

"If only. They have a lot of power, and I don't want to risk getting them upset." Finnick explains.

Johanna sits up. "Well, I think we need to catch Katniss up." I look around, but nobody meets my eyes. "Hold on." Johanna stands up, walks over to the kitchen and takes the largest knife she can find. I tense up. She feels the doorway, and then pulls out a small square by the light switch and types in some numbers to it. "They don't need to here this. Haymitch, do you wanna tell her?"

He shrugs, taking another sip of his liquor. "Alright. So you might be in trouble. Thanks to Fish Boy over here."

Finnick looks down. "It was an accident."

"That customer of yours, his wife found out, and filed for divorce. It was all in the papers, that she had an affair with Finnick. Your name was kept out of it, but she complained about you personally to our lovely president."

"Well, shit." I look down. 

"I would be laughing right now, if I wasn't so scared for you and Finnick." Johanna admits.

Annie hits the coffee table. "Why do you guys keep not telling me stuff? I know you're keeping something, and it's not fair for me to be kept out." She looks really upset.

"It's your call." I tell Finnick. Annie's the only one who can be affected by him.

Finnick sighs. "You're right. You deserve to know, but I don't want to hurt you. Well I'm gonna make a long story super-short, so I'm skimming over some of the details. Basically, Snow is selling Katniss and I and threatening to kill our loved ones if we don't oblige."

"By selling do you mean-" Annie trails off.

"Yeah." I sigh. "I hate it, but really, what am I gonna do?"

Annie takes a deep breath. "That explains a lot. Thank you for telling me." She goes back to tying knots on her string, obviously not even realizing the magnitude of the situation. I exhale sharply, letting out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in.

I stand up. "Well I really need to shower." Johanna points me in the direction of the bathroom, and I lock the door behind me. I undress, and sit on the floor of the shower, letting the water hit my back. How did everything end up like this? So messed up. I begin to sob. I've been nothing for ten years. Ever since my dad died, I've been better off dead. From starving, to breaking the law to survive, to risking my life for Prim. I've never had a break. And now, what's the point? There's a knock on the door, and I open it, forgetting that I'm completely naked.

"Hey, are you okay?" Finnick asks me. I sniffle a little and shake my head. 

"I just don't even wanna be alive right now." I admit, wiping my eyes. 

"Don't say that." Finnick shakes his head. "You can't afford to think like that. Let's get you cleaned up, okay?" 

I nod. I would usually reject someone's offer to help; I hate owing people. For some reason, I've never wanted to accept anyones help for anything, no matter how much I need it. "Please." He strips down to nothing, and for a second, I feel _shy_. I can't help but giggle a little. Again.

He raises his eyebrow. "LIke what you see?" He puts one of his hands on his hip. I manage to crack a smile. "Come here. I'll wash your back." He rubs the body into my shoulders, massaging my back. I can't help but elicit a moan. The next thing I know my lips are on his. Finnick tastes wonderful, and I can't get enough. There's tongue on teeth and my hand is entangled in hair on the back of his head. I don't know what happened, or what took over me, but it seemed perfectly natural and my legs are wrapped around his, my back on the cool tile wall as he thrusts into me.

 

Finnick hands me a white fluffy towel, and wraps one around his waist. I wrap it under my arm, covering my breasts. I braid my hair and then we walk out of the bathroom. Annie's still tying knots while Johanna and Haymitch are drinking.

"-And then I told him to fuck off." Johanna slurs. "So do you know what he did? He killed them." I'm not sure if she's laughing or crying.

I look at Finnick. We both seem to be thinking the same thing, and get away from that room. The only thing scarier than Haymitch drunk is Johanna drunk. He walks me to my room, and leans in to kiss my cheek. I tilt my head and stand on my tip toes to meet his lips with mine. "Night." I smile.

The next three days fly by quickly- clients, showers with Finnick, and drunkenly playing cards with Finnick and Johanna. I begin to develop a liking for Annie. She's odd, but she's very smart and always seems to know what to say. But sometimes she slips into her own mind, and thats when the problems start. She'll cover up her ears and stare at nothing. Her nightmares come while she's awake. Before I know it, I'm getting back on the train and saying my goodbyes to District 4. I know I'll be back soon.

The rest of the victory tour goes by fairly quickly. I give my condolences to Cato's parents, and apologize to Marvel's family.

I get to the Capitol the day after I leave District 1. There's to be a huge ball celebrating this year's victor. Caesar's going to have a third and final interview with me. Finnick's going to be there, as well as a few other victors who've I've never met. They're all coming sometime later today. 

My prep team chatters non-stop as they make me over, rarely stopping to see if I'm listening. Octavia tells me about a beautiful wedding she went to, and Venia makes snide comments about the bride's dress. I'm given long black eyelash extensions, that are similar to the ones that Effie wears, with black and grey eye makeup. I look stunning. Cinna puts me in a dark green gown that hugs my curves but I can breathe in it. My hair is curled and pinned over my shoulder.

First, I have my interview. I have to turn on my flirty Capitol persona. Caesar starts off by complimenting my outfits from the Victory Tour. He asks me how my life has changed since winning. I shrug nonchalantly and say that things are pretty much normal, besides the fact that I'm swarmed by press almost all the time. That elicits a laugh from the crowd. We have friendly chatter for a little bit. But finally, Caesar puts his hand on top of mine, and asks the hard question - how I've dealt with Peeta's loss. I frown and tell the truth: I miss him all the time, but I'm trying to move on. When Caesar asks if there's anyone else in my life- it has been 4 months, I smile. "Not really."

Caesar sits up, and smiles at me. "I don't believe that for a second."

"Well, believe it. I promise that if I _do_ get a special someone, you'll be the first to know." I assure the crowd.

Effie is freaking out, and won't stop gushing about how great I was. Haymitch pats my back, and tells me I did a good job. Finnick's waiting for me, and nods. "Lets get to that party of yours." He smiles and winks at me, putting his large hand around mine. That simple gesture tells me I need to have my Capitol show-face on at all times for the rest of the night. I have a feeling this'll ok. Here, I just have to look like I'm having a good time. And with Finnick, I just might.

My celebration is held in President Snow's mansion, which is extremely terrifying. He smells strongly of blood and roses. I'd imagine his whole house does too. Surprisingly, it doesn't smell like him. There has to be around five hundred people. Effie points out all of the important people I need to talk to- a few Capitol officials, and the President.

First, I make my rounds at all of the food tables. There's way too much food, and I'm stuffed by my third plate. Then I down a glass of some bubbly wine (they call it champagne) at the bar and go to find important people. I bat my eyelashes and flirt with all of the men, and try to act Capitol with the women. I'm introduced to the new Head Gamemaker, Plutarch. Seneca Crane was sentenced to death after the stunt with the rule-change about 2 victors being able to win, even if I was the sole victor. Plurtarch shows me his Mockingjay watch and excuses himself to get back to his home. The only person left to talk to is Snow.

Me and Finnick dance to a few songs, but never really touching each other. I'm about to walk away when President Snow comes up to us. Finnick slides away.

"Enjoying yourself, Miss Everdeen?" He asks me cooly.

I nod politely. "Very much so. The food and entertainment is fantastic. Thank you so much for organizing this."

He seems to be satisfied with my response. "See how nice things can be when we both agree?" For some reason it sounds like a threat, or a warning. One of his body guards pulls him over to mumble a few words in his ear. "The party's almost over. Have a good night, Miss Everdeen."

I look around and find Haymitch and Effie, and get in the limo to head back to the Training Center, where we'll be spending the night. Our train will leave first thing in the morning.

There's a few other victors I don't know in the car. A man named Chaff, who's equally as drunk as Haymitch, a quiet middle-aged woman from District 3 who's name I didn't catch, and a previous Career named Cashmere. She reminds me of Glimmer. Effie can't stop talking about how much of a success the party was. We all just let her talk. When I lean on Finnick's shoulder, she smiles. "Finnick Odair, right? It's so lovely to finally meet you!" She sounds _way_ too excited for her own good.

Finnick gives Effie his cocky Capitol smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you," He purrs. Both Cashmere and Haymitch rolls their eyes, and Effie blushes. Finnick is another person in the Capitol. Out of all the victor's I've met, Finnick acts the most different. I understand why, of course. Me of all people should. Capitol Finnick is cocky, sexual, and extremely desirable, while the real Finnick is friendly, caring, and just a little flirtatious.

The limo hits a bump in the road, and I fall onto Finnick. I look up from in his lap, our eyes meeting silently asking the tough questions. After a second, I sit up straight and back on my own seat. Cashmere lets out a small sarcastic laugh. "Oh please, Odair. Keep your hands off her, she's still a child." I assume that they are friendly, because of the way he responds.

"Oh Cashmere. You know everyone, regardless of age likes this." Finnick points to himself.

"So, Katniss. Do you like the Capitol?" She asks me, ignoring Finnick. Cashmere tucks a strand of her long, blond hair behind her ear.

I don't know how to respond, because I don't know what kind of person she is, or if I can trust her. "They've been very hospitable," is all I can say, choosing my words carefully.

Cashmere looks me up and down, taking in my appearance. I feel like she can see right through me. She bites her lip, thinking hard. Cashmere raises an eyebrow at Finnick and he nods slowly. Cashmere nods, slowly purses her lips, before telling the driver to stop in front of some large glass apartment building I've never seen before. Most of the victors can communicate without words. I can do it was Haymitch and Gale, but only a little with Finnick. "Duty calls. I'll see you all in the mentoring lounge. And my the odds be ever in your favor." When she steps out of the car I notice what she's wearing- a short tight dress and heels. Even though she's beautiful, there's no reason she would wear something that short and revealing... unless she's a lot like Finnick and I. The way she looked at me would explain it too.

I look at Finnick, sliding off his lap. "Is she-"

"Yeah." He nods. Oh.

I wonder how many of us there are. And then I realize, that I don't want to know. We all get out of the car and head to our apartments. I make Finnick stay with me, hoping he'll help me fall asleep. It doesn't work. I lie there, restless for what seems like hours.

I don't want to wake Finnick, so I go the roof. I get up to the top of the staircase leading to the roof, and see someone sitting their already. I can tell it's a girl. She's sitting on the wall, her knees brought to her chest.

I get closer, and I recognize the face. It's Cashmere again. She's wearing the same robe that I have in my bathroom. It's the middle of the night, maybe 3 in the morning. I wonder how long she's been here. I hold out the cup of tea I was going to drink, offering it to her. She gives me a small smile and takes the mug, her hands shaking. "Rough night?" I ask her. I already know the answer.

She nods. "You have no idea. Well you do. But honestly, it just gets worse."

I've never seen a Career show emotions. Until today, I thought they were ruthless killing machines. But it took this to see that they can be just as scarred as me. I can't begin to imagine how long she's had to deal with this. I don't know what to say, so I don't say anything.

"He really cares about you, you know that?" Cashmere tells me. "We go way back. And I've never seen him like that with you or anyone. Not the part in the car. But at the party. The way he looks at you. At first, in the arena, the way Haymitch would yell at you through the screen, I thought that you were just using that boy. But you cared about him. And lost him, as well as that little girl. I thought it was beautiful when you avenged her death. The way you killed Marvel was fantastic, I'm not going to lie. You just fired that bow. I would think you've been using it your whole life." She seems to have calmed down. "And you act with the same compassion with Finn. But you need to talk to him. You need each other."

I don't know what to say, so i just smile a little. "Thank you."

 

The train stops in 3, 4, 11, and then finally, 12. I get off the train and the first thing I do is try to make things up with my family. My mother apologizes, and I smile, forgiving her. I'm not sure why, but I feel like every day could be my last. I spend most of my time with Prim, and some time with Gale when he's not in the mines.

"Katniss?" Prim asks me. I can tell she seems worried. "There's gonna be an announcement. It seems important."

I sigh. That can't be good. I put my arm around her. "Don't worry."

I turn on the TV, and sit in the living room next to Prim and a very sober Haymitch. My mother and Gale are in the kitchen, watching from over there. It's President Snow. I bite my tongue so hard I taste the metallic tinge of blood.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the districts," his voice booms, "as some of you are aware, we are trying our hardest to raise the standards of education in the districts. To do so, the age for tributes is being shifted one year. A tribute can be a male or female, aged thirteen through nineteen."

I shut off the television. I turn around, and have to let it sink in for a second. "Gale." I gasp. He nods. He's still eligible. And this time, he's going to have his name in _one hundred and twenty-eight times._


	10. Chapter 10

_Gale can get reaped._ It sinks into me slowly. I stand up and try to steady my voice. "Where is the phone?" I ask. Rory points to the kitchen. I sit down on a chair and call Finnick. I let it ring and ring and ring, but nobody picks up. I slam it down loudly on the receiver. I know exactly why this is happening. This is some sort of sick punishment, and I can't figure out exactly why. The powerful couple that broke up? It must be that. But this is so... terrible. Gale is going to be in the Hunger Games. And the odds might not be in his favor _already_ , but this is practically guaranteed.

Haymitch looks at my sympathetically. He knows how much I care about Gale. He stands up and pats my shoulder. "Look, I know that-"

"No." I shake my head. "This is not going to be okay!" I realize I'm yelling, and that everyone's staring at me. I take a calming breath, and turn to them. "Gale. We need to talk." I point to the door. He nods, and follows me outside.

The first thing I do when I get outside is hug Gale. He seems a little bit too calm, and it worries me. "You need to listen to me very carefully, alright? You're going to get reaped. I'm so, so sorry."

He nods slowly. "How do you know that for sure? I mean the odds aren't exactly in my favor to start, but it's not like they're going to rig it. Right?"

I sigh. "Look, just- please. Would I ever lie to you?" I feel terrible for saying that to Gale. I've lied about a handful of things. But he knows I wouldn't make this up. "Look, I'm almost positive that Snow has some personal vendetta against me, and I'm worried you're gonna get caught in the crossfire. Regardless of what happens, we have to assume the worst here. As your mentor, it's my job to prepare you. So we're gonna train you like a Career."

Gale looks at me in disbelief. "How?"

"I won the games, I think I know what I'm doing. If I can kill, then you can as well. Try to get a good night's sleep- we start tomorrow at sunrise."

I talk my plan over with Haymitch. He thinks it's a good idea, and offers to help. Even though he's drunk most of the time, Haymitch claims he's pretty good in hand-to-hand combat. I don't doubt him.

The next morning I run Gale through physical training. We start off with a jog around the Seam that lasts about half an hour. Gale knows how to use knives, and bows and arrows. But he needs to work on hand-to-hand combat. Haymitch offers to train with him. "I'll go easy on you." He laughs.  
He laughs and swings a punch at Haymitch, who grabs his arm midair, and holds onto it. When Gale tries to kick him, Haymtich grabs his leg with his other hand, and throws Gale onto the ground. I didn't know he was that good.

Haymitch extends his hand to Gale, helping him up. "You can do better than that." They go at it for a few rounds. By ten in the morning, Gale's gotten a lot better.

Then, it's my turn with him. "You're gonna want to go easy on my cause I'm a girl. Don't. Try to see if you can get me." 

I pick up a few of the fake wooden knifes that I've made. Gale grabs a couple as well. He tries to throw it at my stomach, but I slide out of the way. He's almost as good as Clove, the girl from District 2. I aim for his eye, but he ducks a little to late and it hits his forehead. Gale takes one of the fake knifes, and hits me in the stomach. Not bad. He's out, and I have two more. He steps back, not really knowing what to do. I step forward. This is almost playful. When I get nose to nose with him, I fake stab him in the stomach. "Boom." I whisper. "You're dead." Gale tilts his head a little, and before I can stop him, he kisses me quickly. I'm too caught off guard to stop him, and honestly, it felt kind of right. I still pull away, shocked.

"Sorry." He mutters. "I had to do that, at least once."

I look at him, bewildered. "What was that, Gale?"

"I don't know."

"I-I we can't. You have to understand that. The whole world thinks you're my cousin, and on top of that, this is just so not the right timing and everything-" I cut myself off. This is going to end terrible.

"Oh, my god. You're in love with Finnick. I knew it. You and that cheap _whore_." Gale spits out, sounding utterly disgusted. I clench my fists into balls at my sides, trying to steady my breathing. Luckily, Haymitch intercedes.

"Listen to me, and listen to me carefully," Haymitch threatens Gale, "You don't know the first thing about Finnick Odair. Now stop acting like you do. And frankly, you don't know a hell of a lot about Katniss either."

"Listen," I try to mollify the situation, "Finnick understands me. We've both been through a lot. And there's only about a handful of people who understand what I've been through, and what I'm going through right now. You don't get it. And I hope you never have to. But the point is, he's just a friend, that's it. And I think it would be better if you and I were friends too. You're the closest thing I have to someone I can trust, can we please not burn this bridge?"

"I can't deal with this right now." Gale turns to leave. I call out, but he just keeps walking.

 

The first thing I do is call Annie's house. If Finnick isn't picking up, she might know where he is. The phone picks up after the first ring, and Annie puts him right on.

"Finnick," I sigh, leaning back on my bed. "why is everything turning to crap? Even more so than it already is."

_I don't have an answer to that. You know I wish I did._

"Do you think they're gonna reap Dahlia?" I can't help but ask.

 _Yes. And Gale._ There's something about the way he's so curt with his words, that the obvious finally dawns on me. Regardless of what happens, both of them can't win. One of our loved ones is going to die.

"What do we do?"

_God, I wish I knew. There isn't much to do, frankly._

"This isn't fair! Why does all of this have to happen? I just can't with any of this."

 _I know, I know. Go spend some time with Prim, or Gale. Or just your family. And I'll see you soon._

Finnick hangs up and I groan, slamming the receiver down. Prim walks into my room shyly. I give her a half-smile. She sits down next to me on my bed. While I was on the victory tour, Prim has grown at least half a foot, and gained a little weight. She was always a bit underfed, but now she looks healthy. The one good thing I've done right after these games is taking care of Prim. No matter what happens, I need to keep her safe.

"Is it true?" She asks me quietly. I look at her, not sure what she's referring to. After a moment, she smiles a little. "You and Finnick?"

"We're not dating, if that's what you're asking," I chuckle. Before the games, Prim and I never had time to even think about boys. But now, here we are. 

"Well do you like him?" She asks tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

I can't help but smile at the simple gesture. This is what sisters are supposed to bond over. Not fighting to the death. "I don't even know, Prim."

"I see how he looks at you. I think he likes you. But Gale's worried that he'll hurt you." She notes. As he should be. Before any of us actually knew Finnick, we would make fun of him. Then again, making fun of a celebrity is easy. But when you realize that you're basically the female version of him, you can't do that. But Gale doesn't realize the connection between Finnick and I.

"Enough about me." I smile. "Is there anyone you like?" I smile at Prim, scooting next to her.

She blushes. "Well.. can you keep a secret?" I nod, of course. "Rory is kind of cute." She whispers, and I smile.

"I honestly think he likes you." I tell her, grinning.

Prim shrugs. "I don't know." She looks up at me, and the light-heartedness vanishes. I can tell she's going to ask something serious. "Katniss, you said that they were going to reap Gale because you care about him. When they reap a girl, do you think they'll reap me?"

I shake my head. "No, they won't. The Capitol adores you too much. And besides, your name's already been picked. They can't pick it again." Even Snow wouldn't break that rule. It would be too suspicious. Some people actually think he plays by the rules.

Prim looks relieved. "Do you think he'll come back?" She asks me. I can't look her in the eyes.

"I really hope so." 

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" She asks me. I nod. Of course she can.

 

Before I know, Reaping Day is here. I don't have to wake up as early because instead of waiting in the crowd, I'll be standing on a stage next to Mayor Undersee, Haymitch and Effie. I put on a tight blue knee-length skirt and a white blouse. I pack a small bag, and say my goodbyes to my mother and Prim, who will not be coming with me. _Prim better not._ I grab my bags and walk to Haymitch's house to make sure he gets to the Justice Hall on time. He's surprisingly sober.

"I decided not to drink until I see if the odds will be in our favor." Haymitch explains.

"Sounds like a plan to me. Let's go. Effie will kill us if we're not on time." I drag him out of the house.  
Effie's wearing a black dress with a purple jacket and purple high heels. Her wig is purple and she has purple eye makeup. She looks toned down, well for Effie. "Hello, Katniss." She smiles at me, and I give her a small hug.

I sit down in between Haymitch and Mayor Undersee on the stage. The video plays, Mayor Undersee gives a speech, and I zone out a little. Haymitch nudges me. "Ladies first!" Effie chirps. She puts her long nails in the bowl and pulls out a small white piece of paper. "Alyssa Preston." A tall girl comes up on the stage. She has long blonde hair, in a high pony tail. She's tall, and seems relatively fit. She must live in the Merchant's part of 12. I don't recognize her. She must be fifteen, but she's very pretty, if completely atypical of District 12 girls. Haymitch and I exchange a look. She'll have a fate like mine if she comes out alive. Effie straightens her wig. "And on to the men." She unfolds the slip of paper. "Gale Hawthorne... oh my." She mutters. Effie looks at me. She knows he's my cousin. Gale and Alyssa shake hands. Effie smiles politely. "Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor."

We're sent onto the train. Haymitch leads me to the bar car. He pours two glasses. "Here's to killing two innocent kids. And screwing up their families." Haymitch retorts. We touch our cups together, and I drink the bitter alcohol. It burns my throat, but it feels better. The realization hits me. Gale and Alyssa are going to die. And it's my fault. Three glasses later, it doesn't hurt as much.

We wait for the two tributes in the lounge car. I introduce Haymitch. "This is Haymitch. The biggest drunk you'll ever meet."

Haymitch laughs. He's nowhere near sober, but I'm professional, and only a tad buzzed. "And this is Katniss Everdeen, the girl on fire."

"Better not get too close." I tell him. The two tributes look around awkwardly. I sober up instantly. I nod at Gale, but he doesn't make eye contact with me. "Alyssa." I smile at her. "It's good to meet you. It just would have been better under a different circumstance."

Effie brings us to the dining car. She's very chipper. I can tell she has hope that one of these two will win. I don't know anything about Alyssa, but I know Gale could win easily. "Because you two have two mentors, you get to choose who you want to work with. While sometimes you two will train together, for the most part, it's solo.

"Katniss." Alyssa says, giving me a shy smile.

"Haymitch." Gale nods politely.

"I won't bring it up." He tells me. He's talking about my dates, and the fact that I'm one of Gale's soft spots.

I thank him, and bring Alyssa into the lounge with the TV. "Can we see who else was reaped?" She asks me. I nod, and turn on the TV. The tributes from 11, 10, 9, and 8 are fairly forgettable, but Johanna's drunk at District 7's reaping. When she stands up to leave the stage, she falls over, and I laugh. "Do you know her?" Alyssa asks me.  
"Yeah. That's Johanna Mason. She's a... friend." I explain. There's a volunteer from District 5, which is a surprise. We get to four, and the first thing I see is Finnick and Mags, looking more depressed than usual.

"Wow. He's pretty cute." Alyssa says of Finnick.

I smile. "Yeah." Maybe I'll have Finnick come to dinner one night to meet her. She'd freak out. The male is a Career volunteer. The girl is Dahlia. "That's Finnick's stepsister." I tell Alyssa. The tributes from 1 and 2 aren't volunteers, but they're pretty muscular and kind of scary. I flip off the TV and turn to Alyssa. "How are you?" I ask her.

She tucks a strand of her blond hair behind her eyes. "Not very good. Honestly. I don't know how I'm going to do this."

I nod. "Do you know any skills that might help you?"

She shrugs. "Well, I can tie knots, and start a fire. I also know how to throw knives. And I'm alright and hand-to-hand combat."

"Wow." I'm pretty impressed. "That's promising. Haymitch is really good at hand-to-hand. I'm a bow-and-arrow kind of girl."

Alyssa smiles weakly at me. "Can I ask you something. And promise you'll answer honestly."

"Go ahead."

"Well," she looks down. "In all honesty, do you wish you had died earlier on?"

That's most definitely not what I was expecting, and I have to think about it. Yes. No. I don't know. "Sometimes." I tell her. "I regret everything I did in there. But I did it to survive, and that's just how it has to be if you wanna make it out alive."

"Sorry that I'm being so personal." Alyssa apologizes. "Do you mind if I ask one more thing?"

I want to hug her. "It's fine, really. It's my job to get you out of there alive. And seriously, ask me anything and everything." The more I know her, the more I want her to live. This could help motivate me to make sure she gets everything she needs in the arena, but it also might end up hurting me if she dies.

"Alright. That's good to know. But feel free to not answer this." Alyssa warns me. "Well. What did the other mentor mean when he said to you that he wouldn't bring something up?"

Out of everything she could have asked me, I was the least prepared for that. "Well," I tell her. "It's a really long story. But another victor, him and I are friendly. We were in the Capitol, talking to potential sponsors, when we both kinda screwed up. And the punishment was getting Gale reaped."

"Oh. Alright." Alyssa looks almost _relieved_. "I thought there was some strategical secret."

I laugh. "No. But I got the best advice last year. Stay alive."

She cracks a smile. I think she's going to say something else, but Effie comes in to bring us to dinner. Gale doesn't say a word.

"Dahlia got reaped." I say quietly, in between bites of the goose in an orange sauce.

Haymitch shrugs. He knew her, but I can tell he's trying to act detached. "Thanks for the newsflash, Sweetheart. I never would have expected this dramatic turn of events."

I throw my butter knife at him. Well, in his general direction. He catches it. "At least you didn't kill another placemat."

Effie squeals. "Manners!"

I call the attendant over and order a vodka soda, Johanna's favorite drink. Gale looks at me. "What? It's not like it's illegal."

Nobody says anything, so Effie and I hold a conversation about the latest trend in neon lace pants.

"You're so... vain." Gale shakes his head. "When did you ever care about any of this?" I just ignore him. When the meals over, I tell Alyssa to knock on my door if she needs me, and I go in my room. I turn on the shower so it's scalding hot, and scrub my skin until it's raw, and some parts bleed. It feels a little bit better. I still feel terrible that Gale's going to suffer because of Finnick and I. But if only he could try to understand that I want to help him...

I sit down on the floor of the shower and pull my knees to my chest. I begin to sob quietly. I don't know how much time passes, but I still feel so terrible. Everyone I love is going to get hurt. And there's nothing I can do about it. The water turns cold and I start to shiver. I stand up, and dry myself off. I throw on a random shirt and some underclothes, and try to sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

I wake up to a quiet knocking on my door. My clock says its almost midnight. I groan, telling whoever it is to come in. It's Alyssa. "Sorry." She looks like feels bad for waking me up.

"Don't be," I assure her. "I'm here to help, right?"

She sits down on the edge of my bed. I turn on the lamp in my room. "Dinner tonight was... awkward."

That's a huge understatement. "You could say that again."

She changes the subject. "We get to the Capitol tomorrow, right?"

"Yep, around lunch." I notice how tired the girl looks. "Couldn't sleep?" I ask her.

She shakes her head. "I'm way too nervous for that."

I frown. "I'm going to be honest with you. in the arena, you're only gonna get tops four or five good hours, if you're lucky. You should try to get sleep here, at least while you can." I fail to mention the nightmares.

"I know the Games are... beyond hard. It must have been ever harder for you. With Peeta and everything..." Alyssa trails off.

"Yeah, I guess. But I'm trying to move on. From Peeta. He died so I could live, and he wouldn't want me to live like I was living. So even if I'm not happy, I'm trying for him." I confess.

Alyssa yawns. "Can I sleep here?"

"Sure." I curl up in my bed, and try to fall back asleep.

When I wake up it's a little past eight in morning. Alyssa's snoring softly. I slide on my slippers and leave her alone. I find Gale and Haymitch sitting in the dining car silently. Gale's picking at his food and Haymitch is nursing a hangover. I say nothing, but sit down next to Haymitch and pour myself some juice. Effie walks into the car, her high heels clicking. Her hair is pumpkin orange. Her dress is a sunset shade of orange, which Peeta's favorite color. I stop myself from thinking like that. "Where's Alyssa?" Effie asks.

"She's still asleep." I tell her. Effie nods, and begins to tell us about our schedule for today and the next few days. She's in the middle of talking when Alyssa comes into the dining car. Effie greets her, and then goes back to talking.

"Why are you so excited?" Gale asks her. "I mean seriously. There's gonna be 23 kids who die, and you sound like this is entertaining. I hate Capitol people."

Haymitch shakes his head. Effie looks genuinely upset. "Don't take it personally, he's not a morning person." I comfort her. Effie smiles at me. We have a weird type of friendship, if you could even call it that. Whatever it is, we get along. I like Effie in the sense that she's so optimistic, and perfect. She always gets us to where we need to be, right when we need to be. We've had some sweet moments, and she always sees the good things in people. Even if sometimes she freaks out over the tiniest things. But I know that she's very sensitive to criticism. While Capitol people can be ridiculous, they're also just people. And they're very insecure. Once, Effie saw a girl get shunned for a month because she wore the wrong color dress to a party.

"You're going to meet with your stylists today. Gale, your stylist is Portia. Alyssa, your stylist is Cinna. Try to just do what they say, it'll be over easier." I tell them. Alyssa nods.

I have three 'dates' in a row this afternoon. I'll be back to the Training Center with enough time to shower and change before the Parade. I excuse myself to get dress. I put on uncomfortable underwear under my tight fitting black dress. I put on my red high heels, and sit back down at the table.

"Katniss, you look stunning." Effie compliments me. Alyssa gives me a thumbs up. Gale however, is less enthusiastic.

"You look ridiculous." He tells me.

I shrug. "It's what they want. I aim to please." Haymitch chokes on his drink at the double-meaning behind that comment. I scowl at him. Nobody else seems to have gotten that.

The train pulls up, and the victors, Haymitch, and Effie go to the Training Center. I'm led out the other side of the train station to a small discreet building. Some rich Capitol citizen has paid an exponentially large sum of money to spend an hour with me. It's ridiculous, but the money is put into an account which is directly used for my tributes.

I try to breathe, and get it over with.

Three hours later, I'm getting back in a car to the Training Center. I fix my hair in the cab, and touch up my lipgloss. I look fine. I thank the driver, and step out of the car. I'm bombarded with press.

"Katniss, is it true that your cousin is in the games?"

"Katniss, is it true that you're addicted to morphling?"

"Katniss, are you and Finnick Odair secretly having a relationship?"

Where do they come up with this stuff? "Yes, no, and no." I say, getting in the elevator. When I get to 12, Haymitch and Gale are waiting for me. Alyssa's still getting styled, and Effie's in another room. "Hi again." I say, waving. Gale nods at me. He seems to have calmed down a bit. "You look normal. That's good. I was worried they would dye your skin green." I joke to Gale. Haymitch rolls his eyes. "Is there time for me to shower?" I sit down on the couch and kick off my shoes.

I don't even wait for a response. I shower quickly, and try not to break down. I'm too exposed in the Capitol. Nobody can know how broken I am. I put on a tight dress that would matches Effie's pumpkin orange hair, and black high heels. I've gotten used to walking in them, and they don't hurt my toes anymore. They make me look a lot taller.

Haymitch, Effie, Cinna, Portia, Gale and Alyssa are all sitting in the living room. When they see me, everyone stops talking and stares.

"So, Effie. Are we on schedule?" I ask her, wanting to draw the attention off me.

"Yes. We're right on time. Lets get downstairs everyone!" She chirps, happy to have the attention on her.

I remind Gale and Alyssa to smile, and then Portia brings them downstairs. Cinna pulls me aside, telling them he'll be down a minute. "How are you, darling? You look absolutely ravishing." I hug him. I missed him, so much.

"I'm alright." I force a smile. He gives me that look, that lets me know he's not buying it.

"We'll talk later." Cinna promises me. He drags Haymich and I onto the elevator. We go to below the training center, and down a long hallway. This is where we prep the tributes before the Parade. Gale and Alyssa are in black jumpsuits. They aren't being lit on fire, but they are like coal. Gale's hair is gelled back and Alyssa's is in a tight bun. Her makeup is dark and smoky. They almost look scary.

"You guys did an amazing job." I compliment Cinna and Portia on their designing. They thank me, and walk off. I smile at Gale and Alyssa, wishing them good luck. I'm about to talk to Gale, but I'm tapped on the shoulder. I turn around, and see a tall girl with blond curls in her hair. She's gorgeous, and looks familiar. Cashmere. "Hey there," I smile at her. She gives me a small hug tentatively.

She turns to Gale and Alyssa. "Hello. I'm Cashmere. I'm from District One." Alyssa greets her politely, but Gale rolls his eyes. He hates everyone unconditionally from Career districts. Cashmere shrugs, not really offended by his lack of interest. Instead, she turns back to me. "How bad was it today?" She asks, concerned. I can tell she means how many men I saw.

"There were three in a row." I sigh, shifting my weight to my other leg. My muscles are sore beyond belief. "What about you?"

She smiles sympathetically. "Only one. But I have two more right after this." She looks less than pleased. Cashmere is pulled away by one of her tributes.

Gale shoots me a look. He's about to start yelling at me, but I hear someone behind me. "If it isn't the famous cousin." Johanna says, sarcastically. I turn around and hug her. While we're not super close, she's probably my closest friends who's a girl. I can't talk to Madge about most things nowadays. I take in Johanna. She's chopped off a lot of her hair, and what's left is spiked. She's wearing a lot of makeup, and a very revealing shirt. "Don't kill me, but he's pretty cute." Johanna says of Gale. Next, she turns to Alyssa. "You're lethal." She says, after just looking at her. "You know, you could win."

I nod in agreement. "But if she wins..." I trail off. "Do you think?" Alyssa is very pretty, and she might be sentenced to the same fate as me if she wins.

"Yeah. Definitely." Johanna says, looking at her up and down. She turns to Alyssa. "Do you have family? Play by my rules." She waves, and walks off. I notice that Gale's eyes linger on her backside as she walks away. He looks at me, and I wink at him a little. 

"What?" Alyssa asks me, confused.

"Johanna thinks you could win. If you played it like her. But be careful. You have to figure out if it's worth winning." I say, cryptically. I'd kill to actually be able to give them real advice, but that won't be able to happen.

They do amazing once the parade starts. I notice how Gale and Alyssa's costumes reflect the light a little bit too much. It's almost like they're glowing. The two tributes smile and wave, but don't act too crazy. Snow gives a speech, and then they're driven back to Haymitch, Effie and I.

Haymitch pats Gale and Alyssa on the back. "Great job, you two." He tells them.

"You two were fantastic." I praise them.

 

We make out way up to our floor. Gale and Alyssa eat dinner, and retreat to their rooms. I'm guessing they want alone time. I'm sitting on the couch, when I realize that I haven't seen Finnick. "Have you seen Finnick at all?" I ask Haymitch.

Before Haymitch can answer me, I hear the ding of the elevator, and Finnick steps out. He looks at me, I look at him, and I have nothing to say. I want to hug him, to kiss him or just lie next to him, or I don't even know. But his eyes tell me _not here_. I hug him tightly, and he sits down next to me. "How are you?" I ask, expecting the worse.

"I've been better. Dahlia won't speak to me." He admits. 

"I'm so sorry that this is happening." I sigh, stroking his cheek. I think back to what I discussed with Prim, months ago. Do I like him? I'd be lying if I said he wasn't attractive, and yeah, he's great as a person. _Yeah. I do._ The timing of that is so screwed up though. "Wanna go sit in my room or something?"

 

"Hey, Katniss." Finnick sounds almost _shy_.

"Yeah?"

"I know this is probably the most timing ever, but that in itself makes it so necessary. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. You're wonderful and smart and funny and pretty and everything I could ever want in a girl. And you like me for me, none of that fake crap we always have on. Basically, what I'm getting at is, I think I like you, and well, do you wanna be my unofficial - or official, up to you - not public girlfriend?"

"I think I do." I smile and kiss him lightly. 

We talk for a while, about little things that mean nothing in particular. But finally, we get to the deep stuff. Next thing I know, I'm admitting how much I hate myself, and crying into his chest. I don't even notice the door open into I hear Gale.

"What's going on?" Gale asks, with genuine concern in his eyes.

"You don't wanna know." I sniffle, wiping my eye.

"No, I do. I deserve the truth. And especially since I might _die_ , I deserve it even more." He does have a point. "And I want the whole story," he adds as an afterthought.

Finnick squeezes my hand for reassurance. I take a deep breath. "Well, during my games, I didn't play by the rules. I buried Rue, and only volunteered because I didn't want to lose Prim. But you knew that. President Snow never planned on letting there be two victors, that rule change made me a symbol of rule-breaking; _rebellion_. Also, the Capitol found me attractive. So, Snow figured he could get money off _selling_ me. And he threatened to kill off my family and friends if I didn't cooperate."

"Selling?" Gale asks, raising his eyebrows. "Do you mean like -"

"Yeah." Finnick deadpans.

"It's not like he would actually..." Gale says stubbornly.

"Oh he would. And he had." Finnick says. "Almost all of the recent victors are being blackmailed. Yours truly, included. So yes, that's why I'm so close with your not-cousin."

"The only positive to this is that all the money spent on me goes directly to my sponsorship funds. So you and Alyssa will be able to get anything you need, within reason. Anything. Food, water, medicine, a trident. You name it."

"Catnip." Gale whispers, "I am so sorry. I never knew." He actually looks sorry. I give him a long hug, and I realize how much I missed him. Too little, too late though.

"It's okay. But you should go to bed."

Once they're gone, I curl up onto Finnick. "That just happened." I realize.

Finnick nods, and kisses my forehead. "You did good." We go outside, and Johanna and Haymitch are drinking. They greet us and Johanna waves us over.

"Your kids are good." Johanna shrugs. "You have a pretty good chance this year, again."

"Well, do any of you guys have promising tributes? Gale knows what he's doing, and Alyssa's lethal."

Finnick shrugs. "I don't want to lose Dahlia. I feel like she's my kid, I mean I helped her grow up. I don't think I'll be able to go back home if she doesn't win."

"Well she is a career. And you have plenty of sponsors. Besides, both of mine are crap." Johanna points out.

Before anyone can comment, three peacekeepers come onto our floor. "All tributes and mentors must remain on their own floors." The one in the front says. He sounds bored. I don't even have time to say goodbye to Finnick and Johanna because they're dragged back onto the elevator.

"What was that?" I ask Haymitch.

"It's the law. Tributes aren't aloud to mingle, and neither are mentors. Don't worry, they'll be back." Haymitch doesn't look slightly fazed.

"Do you think they have a chance at winning?" I whisper. 12 rarely ever wins, and having 2 victors from the same district in a row is almost unheard of from any district. Except for with Cashmere and her brother.

Haymitch shakes his head. "I wouldn't hold your breath. These games were pretty much made to get rid of Dahlia and Gale. Alyssa might have a chance, but that's only if she gets a spectacular training score and has a very good interview.

"On the bright side, I have sponsors." I point out. Haymitch looks at me pessimistically. We're so alike that we don't even have to speak to communicate. I know what he means. The reason Haymitch drinks is not just to numb himself the games, but because he's had to deal with not being able to do anything to help these kids. He's been mentoring for 25 years- he's lost forty-something kids. I can tell he resents the sympathy in my eyes.

"Did I ever tell you the story behind your pin?" Haymitch asks, changing the subject.

"It belonged to Madge." I tell him. I can see him frown.

"It's more complicated." Haymitch sighs. I can tell I'm in for a long story. He turns on the TV, and goes into his room, and puts a tape into the TV box. I recognize it as Haymitch's games, the 50th Quarter Quell. They had 48 tributes instead of the usual 24.

They start with the announcement of the Quell- which a younger, but still equally terrifying President Snow reads. It cuts straight into the reaping, just reading name after name. When it gets to District 12, you see everything. First they call some random Seam girl, and then they call some girl named Maysilee Donner. She has the typical merchant look: blond hair and blue eyes. She looks just like Madge. Maysilee is crying and clutching onto two girls. One who looks just like her, it must be her twin sister and Madge's mom. The second looks familiar. I realize it's my mother. Then they show a blond boy, and then they call Haymitch. I hate to admit it, but he looked pretty good when he was younger. They cut to a clip of a younger Caesar interviewing Haymitch. We only see one exchange, but Haymitch acts sarcastic and witty.

"You didn't have to reach far for that, did you?" I ask him. Haymitch just smiles and rolls his eyes. The arena's beautiful and has to be the most amazing thing I've ever seen. They show a type of montage of most of the tributes dying, one after one. Haymitch encounters a few Careers, and manages to kill two of them, but when the third one's about to kill him, Maysilee pops up with a blow dart and kills him. Haymitch and Maysilee agree to be allies. But when they reach the edge of the arena, he wants to stay, but she doesn't. They break off the alliance. Haymitch realizes that the forcefield can bounce items back. He starts to laugh manically, but it disrupted by Maysilee's screams. She was attacked by a swarm of pink birds. He takes her Mockingjay pin, and holds her hand while she dies.

Haymitch turns it off. "That's all you need to see. But basically, when I got back I gave it to her twin sister. Who passed it onto Madge, who gave it to you. So that pin is special. Do you see where part of the closure is stained red on the back?" I unpin it from my dress, and hold it out. The back of it's red, I always assumed it was rust. "That's her blood." He tells me. I'm not quite sure how to react. A part of me feels as if Maysilee and I have some type of connection. I don't really understand it.

"So how does all the mentoring work? Once the games start." I clarify.

"Well, we sit in a room with all the other mentors, and we watch together. We have a computer. There's a list with items we can send, and their prices, as well as how much money we have to spend. As of now, we have a ridiculous amount- about two hundred thousand."

I gasp. "How much was Finnick's trident?"

"Ten thousand." Haymitch smiles. "You're pretty desirable."

"Are you flirting with my girlfriend?" Finnick jokes. I didn't even realize that he was here.

"Oh, girlfriend now? The kids are growing up." Haymitch laughs, and grabs a random bottle of liquor and three glasses. "A toast," he lifts his up, "to killing kids for no apparent reason." We down our drinks. I curl up onto Finnick. I lean into his chest when I hear a sob emit from one of the rooms down the hall.


	12. Chapter 12

Finnick and I jump to our feet the second after we hear the noise. Haymitch doesn't even bother to stand up. I'm not sure if he's too drunk to even notice, or just used to this from his tributes. I quickly make my way through the apartment. I figure out that the noise is coming from Alyssa's room. I knock on the door, and tiptoe in.

She's curled up on her bed, wrapped in her fuzzy blue blanket. I frown, and shake my head a little. "Are you okay?" I ask her, unsure of what to do. I've never really been a cryer, and watching people cry makes me extremely uncomfortable. I've never been that good at comforting people either. But as Alyssa's mentor, it's my job to suck it up, and just try to help her. I sit down next to her, and put my arm around her.

Alyssa tucks a strand of her blond hair behind her ear. Her eye makeup has smudged all over her cheeks. "It's not worth it." She says matter-of-factly. "I'm going to kill or be killed. But being killed is a better option. If I live, I'll never be able to face my family again, or even look at myself. And I'll have those nightmares, and god nobody'll look at me the same way. But the only person I really care about is my brother, and I can't afford to worry about hurting him."

"What about your parents?" I ask Alyssa. I remember seeing them waiting to say their goodbyes. They look like merchants with their blonde hair and blue-grey eyes.

"I don't care about them. And they don't care about me." She responds coldly. "I just need to keep him safe."

For the first time, I crack a smile. Even if it's ill-placed. She's already thinking like a killer. "I have a feeling you might be able to win this."

"What do you mean?" She sounds confused.

I feel almost bad, I'm going to play off Alyssa's emotions. But I need her to want this. It's the only way to keep her alive. "If your parents don't care about you, they won't care about him. The only way to keep him safe is to take care of him yourself. And you can only do that by going home." I point out. "Like with my sister. If somehow I had gotten reaped, I would have easily killed myself for Peeta. But I knew I had to take care of her, so I won the whole thing."

Alyssa smiles at me. "You're right."

"Your training starts at ten. I'll wake you up in time for you to shower and get some food into you." I tell Alyssa, tucking her in, and turning off the lights. I quietly close the door behind me. "She just needed some motivation." I explain to Finnick. Haymitch has disappeared."Where's Haymitch?"

"With Johanna." Finnick shrugs. "They're very close."

"Closer than you are with Johanna." I point out, trying not to sound confrontational.

"Me and Johanna used to screw around." Finnick sighs. "It was a long time ago. A few years ago. We're both over it. Now we're pretty good friends. I think she's into him now." It doesn't bother me to hear that. I would be dumb to think Finnick hadn't had sex with people he was actually interested in. Besides, Johanna and Finnick are ridiculously close. As close as Gale and I am. Rather, as close as we were. But for some reason, the idea of Haymitch and Johanna seems odd. But then I realize that they both have nobody left.

"Alright." Before I can ask about them, an Avox shows up. It's the same one that was here when I was in the Games. She nods, hands me a small folded piece of paper, turns and walks away. The first thing that I register is that the paper smells like roses. But it's too strong to be regular roses. They're Snow's roses. I want to burn it, but I decide to read it. It's written in a black cursive that's so neat, I almost doubt it was handwritten. The card's message is to-the-point:

_Katniss Everdeen: Your services are required. We ask of you kindly that you would instruct archery for one and one half hours at the training center tomorrow. You will be rewarded. Don't be late._

"I'm helping out in the training center tomorrow. It sounds fishy." I muse. This is pretty weird. Finnick shrugs. Just go with it, he tells me. I'm so tired I fall asleep on the couch, on top of Finnick. I wake up to the sound of Gale's voice.

"Jeez. I know you two are screwed up, but sex on a couch? Really?" Gale disapproves. I look around. All I was wearing last night was a flimsy cotton nightshirt, and Finnick was just in his shorts, as usual. Plus, the fact that we passed out in each other's arms doesn't help.

"Trust me, if we had done anything, you definitely would have heard it." Finnick quips.

"Someone's cocky." I tease Finnick, playing with his hair.

"I'm very cocky, but you would know that." Finnick purrs. Gale makes a gagging noise. I roll my eyes, and go to get dressed. I put on some simple black pants and red shirt. I go into Alyssa's room to wake her.

Alyssa's curled up in a ball; her long blond hair splayed on her pillow. "It's time to wake up." I tell her. She groans, and sits up. "Do you feel any better?" I ask her.

Alyssa nods. "Yeah. A lot." Effie's hung over from her after-party (which is very strange for her), so I offer to take Gale and Alyssa down to the Training Center. They're wearing the black outfit I wore last year, with a "12" on their sleeve. "Don't ignore the survival skills. And don't be afraid to talk to people."

"Even the Careers?" Gale asks.

"Even the Careers. It wouldn't hurt to be on their good side. Just don't get too attached. There's only one winner." I point out.

The moment I get into the Training Center, I begin to scope out the competition. All of the tributes are at various boys from 1,2, 6, and 8 look pretty athletic. Something about the one from 2 bothers me. I'm not quite sure what. The girls from 1, 2, 7, and Dahlia seem to know what they're doing as well. I look over at Dahlia, and give her a small smile. I don't have time to say anything because Atala begins a short speech about today is the last day, and it's very important to try and visit as many stations as possible. The individual sessions are later. Tomorrow I get to spend the whole day with Gale and Alyssa, prepping them for their interviews. She introduces me, even though everyone knows who I am.

"My specialty is using a bow and arrow, so I'm going to demonstrate. There's usually a bow in the Cornucopia." I say matter-of-factly. I want to seem as neutral and impartial as possible. The trainer who works with archery gives me a silver bow with arrows that look similar to the ones I used in my games. I aim, and shoot at the first target. I hit it right where it's heart would be. I hit the next four targets with perfect aim. When I turn around, I realize how quiet the room is. Everyone is staring at me. Some faces show awe, others show jealously. Gale looks proud.

"Thank you, Katniss." Atala dismisses me. "We have a previous victor from District One coming as well, to demonstrate throwing knives. But I'm not quite sure where she is." Just as she says that, Cashmere comes rushing in. She looks disheveled. I want to ask what happened to her, but it's not the right time for that. In here, there are no allies. I can't talk to Dahlia, or Cashmere because they're not from my district.

She quickly puts her wavy, blonde hair into a ponytail. "I'm sorry, I was held up." She pouts. I notice a few of the boys gawking at her. She nods in my direction. It would be inappropriate to talk to me, and I give a small smile. "So, throwing knives. You can almost always find them in the arena. They're pretty lethal too." Cashmere takes all of them. She picks them up, and throws them two at a time, hitting some in the head, some in the heart. I thought Clove was good, but Cashmere makes her look like a beginner. I would be terrified to be in the arena against her.

After Cashmere is done, we both have to leave. We're not allowed to stay for the training session. We make polite small talk while waiting for the elevator. Before she gets off at the 1st floor of the apartments, she turns to me, "Congrats about you and Finnick. Just... be careful." I'm left to wonder what her words mean.

When I get back to my floor, Haymitch and Effie are eating a late breakfast. They don't see me come in. Or if they do, they don't bother to greet me. I go into my room to change into regular clothing, but I'm stopped by the overwhelming smell of roses. On my nightstand, there's another small card. It says:

_Miss Everdeen, it would be wise to keep your buisness arrangements confidential._

Crap. I forgot that the rooms could be wired, so that Snow could hear me. He must know I told Gale. Shit, shit, shit. I had one job.

"Haymitch, do you have any liquor?" I ask, wanting to know if he'll share. I know for a fact that there's no way I'll be able to handle these next few days sober.

"Katniss!" Effie scolds me. "Do you really think that drinking alcohol will solve anything?" She sounds so patronizing, it makes me want to roll my eyes.

"Yes, Effie. I think it will." I realize how disrespectful I sound, but I don't really care. Effie huffs, and adjusts her purple wig.

"You can have some when you get back, Sweetheart." Haymitch answers. "You have some sponsors to meet with."

"How many?" I dread the answer. Haymitch doesn't look up from his toast.

"Four." He mumbles. "Pass the orange juice?"

"Well that's fantastic." I say sarcastically. And I thought three-in-a-row was bad. This must be because of my stunt with telling Gale and Alyssa the truth. Silly me, to think that telling the truth would actually help. A smaller part of my mind reminds me that at least, Gale will die knowing the truth. We have some type of closure. And that alone makes me feel a little better.

"Don't be upset, Katniss! This is great opportunity! Meeting with possible Sponsors could be life-saving for Gale or Alyssa. And besides, getting to know the most powerful and wealthy citizens in Panem couldn't hurt." Effie's optimism sickens me. If only she knew. It may be life saving, but not in the way she'd imagine.

"Don't worry Effie!" I try to reassure her. "I'm just worried that I'll slip up and my manners won't be up-to-par." She seems pleased with my response. "Do you know where Cinna is?" Effie points down the hallway. I thank her, and tentatively knock on his door. Cinna's sitting at a table, furiously sketching.

He stands up, and hugs me when he sees me. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?" Cinna asks me.

"If you're not too busy," I don't really know how to ask him this, so I try to be blunt. "could you help me? I need to make my makeup look sexy." I blush.

"Of course." Cinna smiles warmly at me. I wonder if he knows what I do. He's smart enough to have figured it out, but thankfully, he doesn't say anything/

Cinna sits me down at a table, and pulls out a black box. There's hundreds of makeup pieces, in every color imaginable. His hands fly across my face, as if he's painting a picture. And the canvas is my face. My pal, blotchy skin and messy hair is transformed into a tanned, bright eyed, dark-lipped girl with soft, shiny hair. Cinna says my eyeliner is cat-like, but I'm glad I don't look like Buttercup. My lips are cherry red, and my hair falls down my back in loose curls. I look beautiful, but not like me. "It's perfect. Thank you so much." I thank Cinna.

I want to hug him, but he refuses, saying it'll mess up my hair. He smiles at me, and I slip on a knee length red skirt that hugs my body and has a slit that goes to my thigh. I put on a thin, white chiffon tank. I throw a leather jacket over my shoulders, leaving my arms out of the sleeves. I read in some magazine that it was 'in'. I slip into heels, and check myself once over before stepping outside. Haymitch chokes on his drink when he sees me. "Well, shit. See you for dinner."

I have to walk through the lobby to get to the car that's picking me up. Unfortunately, the tributes are on break in the lobby. I try to ignore the wolf-whistles. But the boy from District 2 catches my eye. I realize what bothers me about him. He looks like Cato. "Hey Katniss," He says in my ear. I realize that he's standing right behind me. "You better be careful when it comes to your cousin. I need to avenge my brother, don't I?"

I turn around and grip the collar of his shirt. He's grinning cockily, and I'm contemplating backhanding him. "You lay a finger on Gale before you need to and I swear I'll make your life hell if you get out of there alive." I tell him, using my most threatening voice.

He seems almost intimidated. "Whatever you say, gorgeous." I bite my lip and turn around to throw him a smile and wink before I walk out. The look on his face is priceless. I am in the Capitol. I am not me. I am a proud victor. I can flirt with everyone. I am the female Finnick Odair. Breathe, and get this over with. I've become well-acquainted with my driver. He's been the same man each time. The Games aren't mandatory viewing in the Capitol, so a handful of the lower-class here doesn't even know who I am. Which is a nice change. The driver, who's name is Reynaldo didn't know I was a victor until I told him. He doesn't bother to watch TV. He's a short man in his thirties with dark hair and eyes. He looks fairly plain by Capitol standards. The only thing that gives away that he's from here is his purple mustache and eyelashes.

After my last 'sponsor', I hop into the back of the car, and see a black bag sitting on the seat next to me. It's about the size of an overnight bag. "Some man- I think he said his name was Finnick- dropped that bag off for you." He tells me nonchalantly. I look inside the bag, and see a change of clothes- some tight pants, and a pair of boots. I slide on my pants under my skirt so that way I don't really have to change. Johanna showed me how to do that so I could change in public. I switch my shoes, put away my skirt and heels in the bag, and close the tinted windows so I can re-adjust my shirt. I notice that Reynaldo doesn't look in the rearview mirror. When we get to the Training Center, I thank him, as always, and take the bag with me. I make my way to the elevator. I'm happy that I don't run into anyone. Before I can stop myself, I push the button that will bring me to the fourth floor.

The fourth floor is absolutely the same as the twelfth, but the views aren't as good. I see Mags, and she hugs me. She mumbles something resembling a greeting. She had a stroke a few years back, and because of that, her speech is garbled. I say hello, and she pours me a glass of tea like the one she's drinking. We chat for a little. Before I can ask where Finnick is, he comes out of the elevator, with disheveled hair and a wrinkled shirt. I pull him into my arms. "I missed you so much." I tell him.

Finnick nods, and gives me a small kiss. He hugs Mags and says hello, before sitting me down on the couch next to him.

"How bad was it?" I ask him.

"I've been through worse." He answers. "I should ask you that question." I look at my reflection on mirrored walls. There's bruises beginning to form all over my collarbone.

"It was terrible." I tell him honestly. "Then again, it's not going to be good."

Mags points to the clock on the wall. Finnick sighs. "You better get upstairs. Gale and your girl's training scores'll be announced soon." I kiss him goodbye, and head upstairs. I honestly forgot about the individual training. _Way to go, Katniss. You're an A+ Mentor._

Everyones upstairs. The chatter seems to be polite, but enthusiastic. Haymitch greets me. "There she is. How are you, sweetheart? I was worried that you forgot about us."

I ignore his question, and sit down on the couch. "How was your sessions?"

Gale shrugs. "I used the arrow a bit, set some snares and tied knots."

"Awesome. Alyssa?"

She grins at me. Her thick hair is in a tight ponytail, and there's a little bit of sweat on here forehead. "I threw knives, spears, and used the swords. I think I did well."

"Thats fantastic. Both of you should get pretty good scores. We'll talk strategies for the games and the interview tomorrow."

Caesar Flickerman is on the TV now. He talks about the games, and then he's on to the scores. The tributes from 1 and the girl from 2 all get 8s, the boy from 2, Cato's brother, gets an eleven. Dahlia gets an 8. Both of Johanna's tributes get sixes. I don't pay attention to the others. Gale gets a nine, and Alyssa gets an eleven as well.

Effie's ecstatic. Portia proposes a toast, and Cinna calls me "District Twelve's good-luck-charm."

For the first time, dinner is actually bearable. A warm pumpkin soup is served, as well as a pig. With an apple in it's mouth. When I see it, Haymitch and I burst out laughing. Everyone must think we're insane. "Whats so funny?" Gale asks me.

"Well, during Katniss' training session there was a pig, with an apple in it's-" Haymitch can't finish, he's laughing too hard. "What did you say again?"

"Thanks for your consideration." I smile.

Effie clucks her tongue. "Katniss, that stunt was a display of terrible manners. It reflected badly on all of us."

"I'm surprised they didn't take it out on you." Portia adds.

"No they did. The fireballs?" I disagree. I still have a burn scar on my leg to prove it.

"So, how was the meeting with the sponsors today?" Effie asks. "Tell us everything!"

Haymitch and I exchange a glance. "Well, it was strenuous, talking all day. But Gale and Alyssa's fantastic training scores will definitely help prove my point- you two both have potential. Both of you could win this." I say, not really lying. "We should celebrate! Do you know what be fantastic? Chocolate-covered strawberries!" I say, remembering how much Effie loved them last year.

"That would be lovely. And maybe some red wine too?" Effie suggests.

"Why are we celebrating. We're probably gonna die." Gale deadpans.

"That kind of attitude is going to get you nowhere. I know what we should do." I stand up, and walk towards the bar. I pour three drinks, and hand them to Gale and Haymitch. "Alyssa, you don't want." I tell her. She frowns.

"This is what Cray drinks." Gale tells me. "Why do you want alcohol?"

"Trust me. You need to loosen up a bit." I sound authoritative.

"Why can't I have?" Alyssa asks. She sounds almost left out.

"Because you're fifteen years old." Haymitch says. "When you win, you can have all the liquor you can stomach." _Trust him, you'll need it._

After everyone's gone to their rooms, I go to Haymitch's. Him and Gale are sitting on his bed, and laughing about something. There's a few empty bottles scattered around the room, so it's fair to assume that they're at least a little bit drunk. They haven't even noticed I'm in the room. Gale's talking about some girl he had sex with a few months ago. A pang of jealousy hits me hard in the stomach. I don't like Gale in a romantic way. I don't think I ever have. Besides, in the eyes of the Capitol, he's my cousin. But still, I feel a little bit jealous of her, and I'm not sure why.

"Good night you two. Get some sleep, Gale." I tell them, effectively interrupting Gale. Haymitch grumbles something, and falls over onto his pillow. I shake my head.

I miss Finnick. But I can't spend the night with him right now. I have to wait until Gale and Alyssa in the arena with Dahlia, and we'll need each other more than ever. I have a feeling I won't be able to sleep while they're still fighting. I just hope the arena has some type of forest, so Gale might be able to hunt. I know that Alyssa will do just fine wherever the arena is.

I want to sleep with him. Not in the way everyone assumes we do, I just want to sleep next to him. We've only ever had sex twice. And that first time didn't really count. It was after my games, when I found out that things won't go back to normal. I can't sleep without his strong, muscular arms around me. I've never been dependent on anyone for anything, but I think I really need him. He's the only one who understands everything I've been through. And I don't get nightmares when he's sleeping next to me. I feel horrible for Finnick. He's had to deal with this much longer than I have. We're gonna have to be each other's rocks.


	13. Chapter 13

Nightmares plague my sleep. Every few hours, I wake up. They're all new nightmares. Instead of the recurring ones about my father, Prim, or Peeta, I have nightmares about Cato's brother slaughtering Gale and Alyssa. Around five, I just give up trying to stay asleep and order a warm milk to my room. The Capitol Attendant is there is a minute flat. "I took the liberty of adding some honey. And spice, just for taste." He looks at me expectantly, like he wants to say something else. I genuinely smile and thank him. The Capitol attendants are nice to me because they choose to be, not because they have to. I really appreciate them for that. Sometimes, kindness is all that I really need.

I decide to take a hot shower. I try to block out all of my thoughts and feelings. I let the hot water warm my skin. After everything that's happen to me, I just want everything to stand still for a moment. Not every thing has sunk in. In the last six months, I've gone from being a starving Seam girl to a celebrity and a prostitute. I also have a body count. Glimmer, Marvel, Cato, Peeta, and now maybe Gale and Alyssa. And I'm not even seventeen yet.

Last year, if someone had told me that all of this would have happened to me, I would have laughed and said that the odds of that happening are about the same of me dating Finnick Odair. And then that happened too. I turn off the water and wrap myself in an oversized towel. I comb through my hair with my fingers, and braid it out of my face. I put on one of my red underclothes sets, a white v-neck teeshirt and some pajama shorts.

I don't know where to go, so I decide I might as well go to the roof. I put on my silk robe and take my milk to the roof with me. It's empty, so I sit alone where I sat with Peeta on the night before my games. I miss him every day. I've been thinking about Peeta a lot. For the most part, I faked the romance with Peeta. But when I risked my life to get his medicine, I realized I did love him, at least to some degree. And I lost him too. I have this problem with only realizing how much someone means to me when it's too late.

The sun begins to peek over the horizon and the dark purple sky begins to be tinted with pink, yellow and orange streaks of light. I decide to brainstorm interview and arena tactics for Alyssa. For the interview, Alyssa could do sexy. Cinna's styling her, so I could easily give my input. Now for the games. Ideally, Alyssa would pull a Johanna and act weak, but show off her skills at the end. But because of her high training score, everyone would see through that. What if she were to team up with Dahlia? The two of them could make a fantastic team. I'll run it by her when she wakes up. Or maybe even Gale. But I refuse to sell the Star Crossed Lovers. And there's no way Gale will grin and bear it. I couldn't put them through it. Gale would probably be best solo. He can take care of himself. I just hope it's enough.

 

I talk to Cinna as soon as he wakes up. I help him choose which dress to put Alyssa in. She's going to wear a tight black dress that goes to the middle of her thigh and has one lacy long sleeve. Her eye makeup is going to look "smoky", and look almost like it was smudged with coal and a pale pink lip and rose blush. She'll also wear short, nude colored high heels. Her hair is going to be curled and pinned over one shoulder. I thank Cinna, and decide to get some breakfast. It's nine o'clock, and everyone should be up. Haymitch, Effie, Gale and Alyssa are all eating breakfast. Gale looks hung over. "Morning." I smile at them.

"Morning!" Alyssa greets me back. She seems overly happy.

"Are you two ready for today?" I ask Gale and Alyssa.

She nods, but Gale shakes his head, "No. I don't know what do do."

"Well, you're easy. You're definitely gonna be sarcastic during your interview, like I was." Haymitch grumbles. Haymitch's interview was one of the best I've ever seen. He didn't have to reach far to get smart and sarcastic.

"What's mine going to be?" Alyssa asks us nervously. Haymitch looks at me expectantly.

"You're going to be flirty, seductive." I tell her.

"I'm not flirty. Or seductive. I have the sex appeal of dirt." Alyssa says pessimistically.

"So does Katniss." Haymitch adds. I throw my butter knife at him. He catches it easily and rolls his eyes. "See what I mean? The first day I met her, she killed a placemat." I smile at the memory.

"Manners!" Effie reminds me. "And that table was mahogany."

I mouth 'watch this' to Alyssa. "But Haymitch," I pout. "You couldn't stay mad at me for long." I bite down on my lip, batting my eyelashes. "And even if you do, I know a few ways to make you change your mind." His face turns red, and Gale coughs on his drink.

Alyssa claps slowly. "How the heck did you just do that?"

"She learned from the best." Haymitch explains, "But desperate times call for desperate measures, and fighting a bunch of other kids to the death qualifies as pretty desperate."

"And besides, you two are little bit more prepared than other tributes that have come from Twelve. Gale, you can make snares and you know how to hunt. Alyssa, you can use knifes, spears, all that stuff." I point out.

"Is it okay if I make an alliance?" Alyssa asks me. "This girl came up to me, and asked if I wanted to form an alliance with her."

"Who?" I ask. "And what can she do? Forming an alliance is fine but you realize that there is only one winner."

"She's really good at knotting stuff. She knows how to use a trident too. She told me her brother showed her when she was younger. She's from 4, so it's sort of a given. Her names Dahlia, I think." Alyssa says, completely oblivious to who she is. 

Haymitch's eyes go wide. "I- um. Crap. Dahlia. Katniss, you make the call on this one."

"You two know her or something?" Gale asks.

"Go ahead, make an alliance. That's fine with me. When you think you're going to need to kill her soon- if there's only a few left, mutually break off the alliance." I tell her.

"We both know her. I've known her since she was very young. I'm friends with her older brother, and sort of dating her neighbor." Haymitch says.

"You're dating her?!" I ask, totally confused. I had no idea he was dating Johanna. I thought they were just friends with benefits. "What the... why didn't either of you tell me?"

"Alright," Gale sighs. "I'm pretty confused right now. Wanna tell me what's going on?"

They don't know, cause Dahlia's mom never changed her last name. She's not Dahlia Odair. "Her mother is Capitol. Dahlia has some... really powerful people in her corner."

"No wonder she's so hot." Gale muses. I roll my eyes.

"Don't treat her any different. Okay?" I tell her.

Alyssa nods. "So, how do I do sexy?"

I laugh. "Well, it's all in your face. Your eyes and your mouth. Also, your body language is important. Don't do Alyssa being sexy, do Capitol Alyssa being sexy. Remove yourself from the actions and it's easier."

"What do you do?" Gale asks. I don't answer that question.

Instead, I just stand up. "Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. And believe me, you don't wanna know."

I walk towards the bar. "Haymitch, you want a drink? There's no open flames this year." I laugh.

"Sure, sweetheart. You might need two or three for yourself, they're gonna air some footage from last year." Haymitch warns me. I curse under my breath.

"The games last year were fantastic! It was so much fun to watch." Effie chirps.

"It wasn't fun to be in them." I deadpan.

"No shit, sweetheart." Haymitch laughs darkly. "Oh, you're gonna love the mentor's lounge. You've met a few of them already. Cashmere and Wiress were in the car with us, Finnick, Mags, Johanna, Chaff and yours truly. Most of us are friends- except for the ones from 2. Nobody likes District 2. Except for District 1."

"You're friends with those killers?" Gale asks, clearly appalled. "Even the Careers?"

"Of course. We're no better, Gale. We've all killed. I didn't realize it, but once you're a victor, once you've been to all the districts, you see how different everything is to what you've thought, and how none of them are killers. Everyone in every district has a struggle, and while _yes,_ we had it bad, probably worse than others, that doesn't mean their lives are easy."

Gale just shrugs. Effie's reading a Capitol Tabloid, and Alyssa's picking at her food.

"Don't you feel bad after killing people?" Alyssa asks, looking."

"Of course." I say. "But you have to do what needs to be done." I pause for a minute. "Also, stay away from the boy from 2. He wants to kill you."

"Why?" Gale questions me. "And how do you know?"

"He told me. Because I sort of killed his brother."

"Let's not go into details." Haymitch says. I mentally thank him for that. The last thing I wanna talk about is Peeta. I always what would happen if Thresh had killed Cato before the mutts, then Peeta and I would have won. Even if that rule didn't happen, I would have let him live. And now I'm the one who's alive. Not him.

I spend a few hours after breakfast going over interview strategies with Alyssa. I realize how much I want to her to live. But I also want Gale to win. And Dahlia. I don't know her well enough to mourn her if she dies, but I'll still be upset. And Finnick will be crushed. I can't watch him be in pain. I'm torn on who to root for. I decide that I'm not rooting at all. Let the odds be in everyone's favor. It's out of my control now. I'll try my hardest to help both of them.

Before I know it, it's time to bring Gale and Alyssa down for their interviews. Alyssa is wearing the black dress Cinna and I picked out for her, and Gale's wearing a black button-down shirt and pants, with a white tie. Effie compliments how handsome he looks- and I'd be lying if I didn't agree. But I don't have any feelings for him (of the romantic sort) and it'd be cruel to compliment Gale's looks, since he may or may not have feelings for me. I'll deal with that when - _if_ \- he comes home.

I don't pay attention to most of the interviews. I mostly drink small sips out of Haymitch's flask. Cato's brother - who's name I forget - acts tough and confident. Dahlia is stunning. She's wearing a strapless aqua dress that is tight throughout the body, and flares out after her knees. The style almost reminds me of a mermaid. Dahlia's hair is in an updo, with a few loose curls framing her face. She reminds me of Annie before her Games. Caesar asks her some basic questions - about her time in the Capitol and how she thinks she'll do in her games. Dahlia acts friendly and bubbly. I have a feeling she was one of the more-liked people back in her district. Then, Caesar asks her about her strategy. She shrugs, and tells the audience that they'll have to wait and see.

Before I know it, it's time for Alyssa's interview. All the male tributes are staring at her. She's so straightforward, it almost makes _me_ blush. Caesar greets her and kisses her hand, telling her how lovely she looks. They talk a little about her time in the Capitol. Alyssa smiles flirtatiously, and plays her part perfectly, laughing at the right times, batting her eyelashes, and just sounding very... sexual. When Caesar asks her how she earned a score of 11, all Alyssa does is smile and say "wouldn't you like to know?" She was perfect. 

Then it's Gale's turn. Caesar compliments him on his high training score, and they have a bit of small talk about the Capitol. Then Caesar mentions how familiar he looks, and Gale tells Caesar that he was interviewed by the press last year because he's my cousin. I'm so relived that he's going along with the cousin thing. Then he asks if he thinks he can win this, and Gale says of course he can, if his girly little cousin can do it, he totally can- besides, he's pretty good at winning things. I want to roll my eyes, but I know that Gale's just putting on an act. That's it- the end of the interviews. Tomorrow, Gale and Alyssa and Dahlia will fight to the death on a television show. And at least two of them will die.

All the tributes and mentors are sent into a room where there's refreshments, and dessert. Nobody else is allowed in. I'm talking to Gale, when suddenly, a pair of arms wrap around my waist, and I let out a small squeak. It's Finnick. I turn around and I'm about to berate him for that, but he cuts me off by kissing me. There's a sense of urgency, and I know how pent up with anger he is. He's mad at the Capitol, and Snow, every citizen who's ever spent money on him, and he's mad at himself. I know the feeling. So when I gasp a little and he pulls me closer again, I have to take the opportunity to stop. "Bad timing." I deadpan. He shrugs.

"Why don't you two get a room?" Cato's brother tells us. Finnick puts his arm around me protectively.

Before I can come up with a witty comeback, I hear someone say, "They have one. You might not after tomorrow." It's Johanna. I smile appreciatively at her. The room is still silent.

Alyssa decides to walk up to the desert table, and get a piece of some type of pastry. That sort of breaks the ice. The tributes and mentors go back to socializing amongst each other. Finnick and I go to a table with a bunch of small fruit-shape cookies. Cashmere's there, filling up her plate. She smiles warmly at us. "Ugh, the food here's so good. It's a good think we work out so much, even if it's a bit unconventional." Cashmere laughs kindly. I like her. We all chit-chat a little, small talk that doesn't mean much.

Before we know it, all the escorts show up, Effie included, signaling that it's time to leave for the night. I'll say goodnight to Mags, Cashmere and Johanna, telling them I'll see them tomorrow. I kiss Finnick goodbye, and wish Dahlia good luck. On my way out, I manage to find Cato's brother. "Say hi to your brother for me." I whisper in his ear. It's mean and unnecessary, but I'm aloud to be mean. I am a killer.

"Rot in hell." He snarled.

I turn on my heel. "Oh you will."

I think about what Cato said on top of the Cornucopia. How he was just a ruthless killing machine, and the only thing he knew how to do was bring pride to his district. Suddenly, I feel a little bad for his brother. But I swallow the remorse down. I can't - _I won't_ \- let myself feel bad for him. I need to focus on helping Gale or Alyssa.

Upstairs, I help Alyssa take off her makeup and undo her hair. I give her a little blue pill to help her sleep and close the door behind her. I then go into Gale's room. "Hey." I sit down on the corner of his bed.

"I don't think I can do it." Gale tells me. I look at him quizzically. I don't know what he means. After a moment, Gale clarifies, "Kill people. I just don't think I can."

"Remember what you said to me? When we got to say our goodbyes last year? It's just like any animal," I sigh. "But you don't have to. There's always ways around things you don't want to do. And whatever happens, whether you kill ten people, one person or nobody, I will be so, so proud of you just for trying. And when you get back home, we'll figure it out, together. Like we always do."

Could you give these to everyone back home? And don't look at yours until my canon goes off." Gale hands me a dozen or so letters. They're labeled to various people: me, Hazelle, Rory, Posy, Vick, Madge, Prim, my mother, Greasy Sae, a few people Gale was friends with from back in twelve, and surprisingly, Finnick. I wonder what he has to say to Finnick. Gale stands up and hugs me. I wrap my arms around him, and begin to sob softly. I hate people who cry, but the idea of losing Gale is too much for me to bear- especially since that idea might become a reality. I kiss him on the cheek, my lips lingering there for what feels like forever and also for what's way too short. I and tell him to try to get some sleep- I'll see him in the morning.

I don't even try to fall asleep, I just take the large blue blanket off my bed and bring it with me to the roof. Everyone in the Capitol is out celebrating. A year ago, I sat here with Peeta, counting down the hours till my death. Now, I'm counting down the hours until the lives of two people lay on my shoulders. I decide to go back downstairs and lay in bed. I manage to doze off for a few hours.

Nobody has appetite for breakfast. I manage to convince Gale and Alyssa to eat something, they don't know when the next time they'll have a meal or water at their disposition. Then, it's time for goodbyes. I'm bring Alyssa down, so I have to say goodbye to Gale first. I hug him tightly, but my tears refuse to fall. I end up making some type of noise that's a cross between a sob and a hiccup. "Don't give up on yourself, you know you can do this." I whisper in his ear. I stroke Gale's cheek, and just stare at his face. This may be the last time I see him ever again. "Please, promise me you'll try." It's selfish, but I don't think I can live without him. He's been my best friend for years, and life without him seems impossible to imagine. Sundays will feel so wrong if I'm not hunting with him. And there's no way I'll be able to face the Hawthornes after this. Hazelle will have lost her husband, and son. That's far too much.

"I promise." He tucks my hair behind my ear, and quickly presses his lips to mine. It's so unexpected, I don't know how to react. "Sorry, I had to do that at least once." He turns and walks away. I run my pad of my thumb over my bottom lip. I'm still in shock. What the heck just happened?

I ignore the questioning stares from Effie, Alyssa and Haymitch, and walk Alyssa down to the hovercraft. I hug her too, but a little bit gentler. "Get your hands on a weapon, and get the hell out of there. Climb a tree if you need to take a break. Don't make a fire at night, and don't attract attention to yourself. Don't take on the Careers alone." I tell Alyssa. She nods. "Oh, and stay alive. You can do this. You didn't get an eleven for nothing."

"Thank you." She whispers, and a silent tear rolls down her cheek. "I'm so scared. I'm gonna try my best." Before I can say anymore, she has to go, and Haymitch comes to bring me to the Mentor's room. He doesn't say anything about Gale, thankfully. I can tell he knows we're not cousins, but Effie still thinks we are. Awkward.

The Mentor's lounge in a gigantic suite room. It's in the center of the Capitol, and is on the eightieth floor of the tallest building in all of Panem. There's large couches, food and drinks, telephones everywhere, and twelve computers, labeled 1-12 for each district. There's a huge electronic board with the statistics of all of the tributes including, height, weight, training score, and odds. On one whole wall, there's a large television that will broadcast the games. This is the first time I will watch them and have power. It's exhilarating, knowing I can finally help. I guess I had a little power last year, in my own games. But now, I can fully help Gale and Alyssa.

I hated watching the Games growing up, but since most of District Twelve's tributes died during the bloodbath in the first hour, it was easily accepted that they were going to die, and it didn't hurt as much to watch. But now, both tributes from 12 have a real chance, so there's a decent chance they could make it to the second day. Or even longer. But since I actually care about Gale and Alyssa, watching this will be ten times harder than any other games. I think of Finnick watching Annie's games- having to watch the girl he loves go mad. I know Finnick loves Annie, and it doesn't bother me. He loves her the same way I love Gale, it's non-romantic. While it might have been at one point, it sure isn't now.

All of mentors meet and introduce themselves- Cashmere and her brother, Gloss from One, two older ex-Careers from Two, Wiress and some other woman from Three, Finnick, Mags, a few people from Five, Six, Eight, Nine, and Ten whose names I don't remember, Johanna and a man named Blight from Seven, Chaff, and another man from District Eleven, and of course, Haymitch. They all seem pretty cool, but something about the two mentors from District 2 seem off to me. They just don't seem as friendly. I shake it off.

 _One minute._ There's a collective cheer on the streets. _30, 29, 28, 27._ Caesar and Claudius start a countdown. _26, 25, 24, 23._ Cinna and Portia are saying their last goodbyes to Alyssa and Gale, respectively. _22, 21, 20, 19._ The tributes are rising up into the arena. _18, 17, 16, 15._ I'm thrown off by the blinding light. The tributes are in a circle around a bronze-colored Cornucopia in a grassland. It seems fairly warm. _14, 13, 12._ To the west is a continuation of the grassland, the east is a dry looking plateau with crumbling rocks. _11, 10, 9._ To the north is a mountain that looks like it could be a volcano. To the south is a small stream. I can't tell where it leads to. _8, 7, 6._ The tributes are on their plates. The room is silent in anticipation.

_Five._

_Four._

_Three._

_Two._

_One._


	14. Chapter 14

The gong goes off, and Games have officially started. I barely have time to concentrate on what's going on. Gale's picks up two small orange backpacks, and and runs off for the forest. He manages to trip the girl from 6, who swiftly receives an axe in the chest from the boy from 1. Where's Alyssa? The camera zooms in on the actual cornucopia, and I see a handful of dead, bloody tributes. Thankfully, none of them are Alyssa. Or Dahlia. I don't think she ran off. Then, I see it. The girl from 2 is running towards Dahlia, wielding a sword. Dahlia throws a knife and hits her right above her eye. The boy from 5 is behind her, about to release an arrow into Dahlia's back, when he falls to the ground. Alyssa stabs him with a similar knife, and repeatedly stabs him until he falls limp to the ground. Holy crap. Alyssa and Dahlia nod at each other, before grabbing a large amount of supplies, and running off towards the stream. But they're stopped by the boy and girl from 1, the boy from 2, and the boy from 4.

The boy from 1 whispers something to the boy from 4. "No. She's from my district." The boy from 4 tells him.

The girl from 1 shrugs, nonchalantly. "Do you guys wanna form an alliance or whatever?" She asks. Cato's brother is staring at Alyssa like a meal.

"Alright. Shake on it." Alyssa says, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear. They shake hands, and when Alyssa turns to Cato, he's still staring. She winks at him, and all six of them walk downstream.

Haymitch stares at me. I put my hands up defensively. "I knew she was good- but holy crap! I wasn't - I didn't. I don't know." Cashmere's jaw is open, and she's staring at me, obviously as shocked as I am.

"Damn. 12's got one in the careers for the second time in a row. And this time, they're good." Cashmere's brother, Gloss muses. I frown at his jab at Peeta. He pushes his blond hair out of his eyes, and gives me a small wave, smiling at me. "I'm Gloss, by the way. You must be Katniss Everdeen." He seems pretty cool. The tv cuts back to Caesar Flickerman and Claudius Templesmith. They go over the fallen tributes- The girl from 2, the boy from 5, the girl from 6, both tributes from 8, the girl from 9, both tributes from 10, and the boy from 11. 9 of the tributes killed in the first hour. A handful of the mentors make their ways to the phones, to give their condolences to the families of the fallen tributes. I lean back on one of the sofas.

I'm still processing everything that's happened in the last hour. Alyssa's showed her bloodlust, and Gale kissed me. I run my thumb over my lower lip, where Gale's were not too long ago. Finnick sits down next to me, and puts his arm around me. He looks concerned. "Are you alright? You seem... distracted."

"I'm just very overwhelmed." I say cryptically.

Finnick cocks his head to one side, and plays with a strand of my hair. "What's wrong? Do you have a secret worth my time?"

I look around. This is not the right setting to talk about this kind of thing. Did I cheat on him? I don't know if I did. I didn't initiate the kiss, and I don't know if I liked it. It wasn't bad, but the whole time, I kept thinking about Finnick's kisses, and how I enjoyed them more. I definitely didn't kiss Gale back. "It's nothing, really." I lie. "I'm kind of in shock. Alyssa killed three people in the first hour, and she was scared to kill a spider in the bathtub." I decide I need to talk to Haymitch. I excuse myself, and walk over to Haymitch. "Can we get some air?" I ask him. He nods. Haymitch hasn't gotten drunk yet. It's not even noon.

We step out onto the roof, and I do a quick sweep of the room for any bugs that could be listening in. I tell Haymitch everything. He was there when the kiss happened, so there wasn't a lot to fill him in on. Haymitch just nods occasionally, and listens quietly. "Well sweetheart," he sighs, "you obviously have a dilemma. I'm not the one you should go to for relationship advice. Talk to Cashmere about that. But just tell him. Get it over with, and give him a little space if he gets mad. Don't do it right now- tell him when the two of you are alone. He's under too much pressure right now." I thank Haymitch, and we sit back down.

I sit down next to Finnick one of of the large, white couches. Not much happens during the day. The tributes go their separate ways. The boys from 6 and 9 run into each other, and the boy from 9 ends up getting beheaded. The boy from 9 barely has time to run away from the scene before the girl from 5 has shown up, having seen the hovercraft, and uses a few poison blow darts on him. That makes 11 down, 13 left. This has to be a record.

They cut to Gale for a few minutes. He hunted a few squirrels, and cooked them over a fire. Now, he's up in a tree- at least thirty feet high- and going through the contents of his bags. In the smaller orange backpack there's a set of matches, some dried meat, a blanket, and a canteen for water. In the large one, there's a rope, some crackers, some type of plastic covering, and what appears to be a blanket. I notice what the tributes are wearing- grey pants, black shoes, and a flimsy grey tee-shirt. They probably will be fine in the grassland or by the stream, but the forest and mountain can get cold at night.

Around two thirty, I get a call from one of my appointments. I only have one, but it's until 7. At eight, all of the mentors are going out to dinner- so I have time to freshen up and make myself presentable after. The Capitol man meets me at a lounge at a quarter to four. He's wearing purple, and has a purple designs tattooed under some of his skin. I can tell he's very rich. I adjust my red dress- it's very similar to the one Alyssa wore for her interview, and its practically indecent. I feel very uncomfortable. I answer all of the polite questions he asks me perfectly- with a seductive grin, a bite of my lip, and running a finger through my straightened hair.

I try to numb myself. I don't think or feel. I just do. After, he sits up in his ridiculously designed bed and opens up the beside table. He pulls out a cigarette, and lights it. Smoking is another Capitol thing I don't understand the purpose of. I instinctively pull the blanket on the bed up to my neck, covering my naked body. I raise my eyebrow at him. "Do you have a secret for me?" I ask him. He shrugs.

"Anything for you, darling." He stares at me. I feel nauseous. He stands up and opens a drawer, pulling out a diamond bracelet. I can tell it's from District 1, and not the Capitol. "Well, lets see. I bought this for my wife, and you can have it. Now that secret. Have you heard of Heather Anthony?" I nod. I've heard of her in school. She won the very first Hunger Games, and was from District 2. "She killed the President who approved the games. And she lived in this home." Home is a funny word. This is a mansion. I thank him for his odd secret, and look at the clock. It's seven and I'm done. I kiss him on the cheek - you never kiss them on the lips - and slip into the bathroom to shower. He had said I could.

I thought the training center showers were nice. The shower in the mansion makes those look like my old bathtub back home in 12 in comparison. I don't play with any of the buttons, or use any of the fancy lotions. I just scrub my body clean, and shampoo my hair. I do however, submit to temptation and try one of the hair treatments. I turn off the water and step out. I have forty minutes to get to the restaurant. The car should be here in ten. I quickly dry off my hair with one of blue monogrammed towels, and use the makeup in the bathroom. I highly doubt the wife will mind if I use her makeup, especially if her husband is giving me her diamond bracelet.

I make it outside to the driveway just as Reynaldo is pulling up. He smiles at me, and pushes a button which makes the door on the side of the car open up. In the car, he plays around with the stereo, until he finds a music channel he likes. A Capitol singer is singing a song in her weird accent about her love. I tune it out, leaning on the car window and watching the city go by. I quickly check one of the mirrors, and take in my appearance. I'm not self-centered, or all too fond my my appearance in general, but I do have to admit I look pretty nice. My eye makeup is blue and smokey. It brings out my blue-grey eyes, which is weird, since they're kind of a boring color. They used to be bright and sparkling, more blue than grey. After my father died, they dulled for quite a while, until things became more stable at home. And now they're practically colorless, empty. My smiles don't reach my eyes. I shrug and lean back.

The mentors are all meeting for dinner at a popular restaurant. When I step out of the car, the press bombard me. I don't have time to process anything they're saying. The flash of lights from their cameras is blinding. I shrug it off, and walk in. They're all at a table in the back. All of the mentors are invited, but not all of them go. Cashmere and Gloss are sitting next to each other. I haven't quite figured out the dynamic between them. But they're inseparable, from what I've heard. The woman from 2 who looks to be in thirties or forties. She's talking politely to the mentor Blight. Chaff and Haymitch are probably drunk, but they're laughing about something. Johanna is rolling her eyes at the mentors from 5 and 6, who are explaining something to her from across the table. From one look at her, I can tell she's not listening to a word they're saying. She instantly looks relived when she sees me. Johanna waves me over, and pats on the seat next to her. There's another empty seat next to where she wants me to sit. I'm guessing she saved them. Haymitch, on her right, whispers something in her ear, and she shakes her head.

I sit down next to Johanna, and tuck my hair behind my ear. The table quiets down when they see me. The woman from from 2 is the first to speak up. "Katniss, right?" I nod, and give her a small smile. "We thought you were with Finnick."

Finnick. Where is he? Probably with one of his clients. I never asked him. I assume the seat on the other side of me is for him. A look of confusion crosses my face, but I quickly compose myself. "Thats me. Finnick? I don't know where he is. I haven't seen him since this afternoon. I was on the phone with the parents of my tributes for a while." I lie.

"It must suck for you and your family having your cousin in the Games." One of the mentors from 9 looks sympathetic.

I frown. "He had his name in over a hundred times. We saw it coming."

Just then, an uncomfortable looking Finnick walks in, surrounded by the press. To anyone else, he looks like his normal handsome self. But I've seen that face before, and I can tell that he's been crying. I don't know if I want to know. When Finnick sees me he smirks, and sits down next to me. "Hello gorgeous." He whispers in my ear. I blush and let out a small girlish giggle. I see Haymitch roll his eyes.

"Keep it in your pants Odair." Cashmere grins across the table. I can tell most of the mentors are pretty good friends. I feel a little out of place, since they all know each other, and have been friends for a while. The server comes around to take our drink orders. She's very pretty, and keeps glancing at Finnick. He doesn't notice it, but I still feel a pang of jealousy. I put my hand in his, and I see her frown a little. The older mentors get a flavored bubbly drink called soda, or wine. Haymitch and Chaff get the strongest things they have, Cashmere and Johanna get some drink I've never heard of, a martini. Finnick gets the same drink as Gloss, but I forget what it's called. I have no idea what to drink. I usually just drink out of the bottle.

"What's good?" I ask her. She names some type of apple drink, and I ask for that. The woman from 9 from before gets the same thing as me.

"Appletini. Good choice." Johanna nods approvingly. I shrug, not really knowing what I just ordered. "But I would never get it. I can handle my liquor." It clearly was a jab at the fact that whenever I drink, I get pretty sick.

I make an offhand comment about her and Haymitch handling their liquor, and the majority of the table laughs. I feel relieved. As if I proved myself to them. Which is totally irrational, but still. I've never really fit in, but here I am, hanging out with a bunch of killers. The drinks come, and conversation flows easily. There's a large television on the wall by the bar, and a broadcast of the Games are on. The boy from 3, who lit a fire, was found by the Career pack. They playfully argue over who gets to kill him. Dahlia wins the quarrel, and decides on decapitating him, claiming she makes killing people 'short and sweet'. This isn't the girl I met in 4. I can see the look of confusion in Finnick's eyes.

"She's thirteen years old and has a killing style. Jeez." Haymitch shakes his head. "They start too young." I honestly thought Dahlia was older than that, fifteen or sixteen. Wow.

"Half of them are gone, and the first day isn't even over." Blight sighs. "Something's wrong with these games. It's almost like they enjoy killing."

The food arrives. There's a salad with pieces of fruit in it, a tomato stew, pasta in a creamy sauce, bunches of vegetables, some type of meat in a brown sauce, and a few other dishes that fill up the whole table. It's so delicious, I try to have a bite of everything, but when I taste the pasta, I fill up my plate. I'm so full I don't think I can move, but then our plates our removed and dessert shows up. There's chocolates, bite-sized cakes, pastries, cookies, and things that I've never seen before. They're all delicious, but I decide my favorite is the chocolate mousse. I thought that was the name of an animal found by where District 13 used to be, but apparently it's also a dessert. When it's time to leave, the server tells us the bill has been payed for already by the owners of the restaurant.

We head back to our apartments, in one enormous black limo. It's a tight fit, so Johanna jokes that I'll need to sit on Finnick's lap. I end up needing to, and I have a feeling she won't let me forget this. Not that I really mind sitting on his lap.

Finnick and I say goodnight to everyone. Cashmere kisses me on the cheek, and both Gloss and the women from 2 and 9 hug me. It's pretty unexpected, but I feel welcomed. Johanna and Haymitch are going back to her room to drink some more, and Finnick and I go back to mine. I strip out of my dress, getting into bed wearing just my underclothes. I'm too tired to put on real pajamas. Finnick does the same, throwing his clothes in a corner of the room, and just keeping his boxers on.

My room is dark and silent. I lay my head on Finnick's chest. The only sound is of our breathing. We don't need to say anything, rather there's nothing to say. We're both hurting. I sit up, and mess up his bronze hair a little. "Hey," I give Finnick a small sympathetic smile, "this is going to be okay. You know that, right?"

He shakes his head. "No, it won't be. Do you know what the worst part is? She thinks she has a chance. She's fighting, but she's going to lose. They're both gonna lose, Katniss. I really just want to-"

I cut Finnick off with a soft kiss. It's not the most effective thing, but there's honestly nothing to talk about. Talking won't solve anything. He puts his hand on the back of my neck, holding me nose-to-nose with him. Finnick doesn't say anything, but just stares into my eyes. "You're beautiful, you should know that." I shake my head a little, but don't comment.

I close the small gap between us, and kiss him a little rougher. After everything that has and is going to happen, I don't need gentle. He wraps his other arm around my waist, holding me practically on top of him. The two of us are only taking up half the bed. I nuzzle my face into his shoulder. I feel safer around him. My nightmares haven't been that bad the past few nights, but I have a feeling the next few nights will be terrible. And watching the Gamemakers or other tributes kill Gale and Dahlia won't be very pleasant. I won't be forgetting those anytime soon. Just the thought of having watch that makes me get closer to Finnick. As if his tanned, muscular arms can protect me from the living nightmare that is my life.

"You know," I tell him. "You're more comfortable than any of these fancy Capitol pillows."

Finnick laughs a little. "And we've spent plenty of time on those." He plays with a strand of my hair. I didn't put it up in a braid, like I usually do. Instead, I left it down.

"I'm worried about them." I whisper. They haven't shown any footage of Gale, which means nothing good or bad has happened to him. But not knowing is driving me crazy with anticipation. Just because I'm not watching doesn't mean the games aren't happening. Right now he's out there in the forrest, trying to survive. It's nothing new for him, but I wish I knew he was okay.

Finnick kisses my forehead. "Me too. I'm terrified. I don't know what's scarier: having to watch them die, or having to go home after they've died." He says exactly what I've been thinking. I want to shush him, tell him it's not true, but the reality of the situation is that Finnick is 100% right. There's no outcome of this where Gale or Dahlia live. And that terrifies me. I drift off into sleep. I have a nightmare about Cato's brother murdering Gale, Alyssa, Dahlia, and then me. I'm paralyzed with fear- I can't scream and I can't wake up. Finally Finnick shakes me out of it. "Are you okay?" He asks me, terror in his eyes. "You were shaking."

"Nightmare." I explain, "Thanks for waking me." I kiss Finnick's cheek. He sits up, and turns on the television to the channel with the Games. There's no live footage, but some pre-recorded recaps from earlier today. A small bar on the bottom of the screen lists the tributes that are still alive: Both tributes from 1, Cato's brother, the girl from 3, Dahlia and the boy from 4, the girl from 5, both from 7, the girl from 11, Gale and Alyssa. I exhale in relief. Finnick shuts off the power.

"See," he tells me, "they're all okay." Finnick glances at the clock on my nightstand. It's three thirty. "Try to go back to sleep." I kiss him goodnight, and try to fall back asleep. I manage to not have any nightmares myself, but I'm woken up to the sound of Finnick sobbing softly. I jolt upright in bed, and see he's not in bed. I tentatively open up the door to the bathroom. He's sitting on the floor of the bathroom with he's knees pulled up to his chest. Finnick's sobbing quietly. I don't think he sees me, but I sit down next to him, and put my arm around him.

"It's okay, it's okay." I tell him, not sure how to comfort him. I'm not even sure why he's upset. Clearly he has reason to be, he's broken inside like most of us. But seeing him break down feels weird. He's usually the one holding me. "What's wrong?"

Finnick looks up, and wipes his eyes. He sniffles and clears his throat before speaking. "I had a nightmare as well. But when I woke up, I realized it could be real." I look at him quizzically. Finnick continues, "Everyone died. Not just Dahlia and Gale, but Annie, Johanna, Haymitch, Prim, everyone we care about. Dead. We're still pieces in their Games, Katniss! Even though not all of the victors are morphlings or whores, we still never really won. And we never will win." The weight of what he's saying hits me, and I feel as if I've been punched in the gut. It's true, and I've known it all along. But hearing someone else say it makes it seem real.

I help Finnick stand up. "We can't afford to think like that." I tell him. "We can't win, but if we play by the rules, they can live. We have to try. For them." I sing to Finnick until he falls asleep. I don't tell him this, but I have a feeling everyone I care about will end up dead. We both know it's true anyways.


	15. Chapter 15

I wake up with a headache, and a bad recollection of last night's events. Me breaking down, Finnick breaking down. Everything just being really bad. It's nine o'clock, and I need to get myself ready. The live broadcast begins at ten, so I have an hour to get dressed, do my makeup, eat breakfast, and make my way to the lobby so I can get to the mentor's lounge. Finnick's still asleep and snoring softly. I carefully slide out of bed, as to not wake him, and change into a good outfit. There are no more appointments until Gale and Alyssa both die, so I don't need to act as seductive as usual. But I still have to dress the part. I'm not off the hook by any means, when I'm here. I put on a pale purple dress with a _very_ low neckline. My bra is almost visible. Thankfully, it goes down to my knees so it's not too revealing. I attempt to comb through my messy hair, but I give up after a little bit. I must of tossed and turned a bit last night, I can't even comb my fingers through my hair without running into a dozen knots, so I sigh, and throw it up into a messy bun. Good enough. I only put on a little eye makeup and a pink tinted lip balm. It's nine-thirty. The limo will be here in fifteen minutes. I guess there's no time for breakfast. I wake Finnick up gently, but it never really works out. You don't wake a victor, or try to scare them. It ends up badly. Finnick jumps up, looking poised to kill. He relaxes when he sees me.

"Sorry. I thought it... wasn't you." Finnick mumbles, before getting dressed. I contemplate leaving the room to let him get changed in privacy, but I realized that there is no privacy between us. I don't feel shy seeing him naked any more. I used to hide in the other room when my mother would have a naked patient, but now it doesn't even faze me. It's just a body. And besides, he is my boyfriend. Haymitch is waiting at for us, looking pretty impatient.

"Nice sex hair, sweetheart." Haymitch greets me. I turn beet red. I know my hair is tangled, but I didn't think it would look like that. I ignore the comment, and we take the elevator down. All of the other mentors are downstairs, spare the mentors from Districts 6, 9, and 10.

"Score, man. She's really something." Gloss high-fives Finnick, clearly under the impression that we had sex, as well. Finnick wraps his hand around my waist, protectively. My attention is drawn to Cashmere and the mentor from 2, who are arguing very loudly. I assume it's about their tributes.

"I don't know who the hell told you to let them in with our kids! They can't move as a group." The mentor from 2 yells. I can tell she's talking about the Career pack.

"I didn't say anything about it, either way." Cashmere defends herself. "Besides, they're just kids. If they want to make friends, even if it's temporary, let them."

"They're a threat." She spits.

Cashmere rolls her eyes. "Oh really? I never would have guessed. Anyone who's still alive is a threat. You're not the only one who wants their kids to win." I look at Haymitch, confused. He shakes his head at me, meaning he's as clueless as I am. The other mentors show up, and we all get in the limo to head towards the mentor's lounge.

Last night, nothing really happened that I don't already know about. Caesar and Claudius talk a little about the alliances formed: the Career pack (they don't call it that) and the tributes from 11 with the girl from 5. Then, they quickly switch over to something dramatic that's happening live. The girl from 7 runs into the the girl from 5 and the two from 11. I can tell the girl from 7 is terrified. The boy from 11 awkwardly tries to stab her, but he misses. The girl from 11 frowns, saying she doesn't want to kill people. But the boy doesn't care, and after a while, manages to stab her a few times in the stomach, killing her. I look over at Johanna. Her expression is unreadable. I can't tell if she's sad, bored, or just was expecting this. Blight stands up to call the girl's parents. "I was surprised she lasted that long." Johanna shrugged. "If you can't kill you can't win." They cut to the Career pack. The girl from 3 is swiftly killed by the girl from 1. She looks the least bit interested in being her, but damn, she can kill. Dahlia and Alyssa look fine, almost happy. I smile at Finnick, feeling relieved. They run into the smaller alliance. Alyssa swiftly shoots an arrow into the girl from 5's heart. Cato's brother wastes no time using his sword on the boy from 11, and the boy from 4 snaps the girl from 11's neck. I have a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. From the looks on all of their faces, I can tell that I'm watching a pack of 6 killers. They're laughing and high-fiving each other as the canons go off. There's 6 of them in one alliance, and there's only 8 left. I can tell who their next targets are.

I stand up, and rush to the bathroom. I'm standing over the toilet, dry heaving for a while. I don't vomit, but I feel physically sick. Someone comes up behind me, and braids my hair out of my face.

I turn around and see Cashmere. She's looking at me with one of those motherly sympathetic smiles. She offers me her hand and helps me up. I stand up a little to quickly, and almost fall over again, but luckily Cashmere catches me. "Let's get you some water." She says, slowly walking me to a table in the mentors lounge. Cashmere hands me a glass of ice water with thinly sliced lemon and chunks of other fruits I don't recognize floating in the water. "It's the best I could do." She apologizes. Nothing about the Capitol is plain. I thank her anyways, and after slowly sipping the drink, I feel a little bit better. "We should get back in there." Cashmere walks into the lounge, and I follow right behind her.

"This is so screwed up." I groan. She just nods, looking at me with sympathy.

Haymitch calls me over when he sees me. "Sweetheart. Get your self over here." I hurry over, and he points to the television. The Careers are having some sort of heated argument. Cato's brother angrily puts the boy from 4 in a headlock, and snaps his neck, bringing the boy to the ground. Mags makes a noise of shock, and Finnick says something but I don't hear it. The camera zooms in on Dahlia. She looks terrified. Alyssa's face is neutral and impassive. Dahlia whispers something to Alyssa, and Alyssa nods, before turning to face Dahlia. They both giggle, and then Dahlia nods at her.

Alyssa smirks. I realize when she's made that face before: when I was teaching her how to act seductive. I turn to Finnick and widen my eyes. That's my face, I mouth to him. I have a terrible feeling about this. Alyssa pulls Cato's brother away to talk to him. She takes her hair out of it's ponytail and runs her fingers through it, while staring at him. "You know," she raises her eyebrows, speaking in just above a whisper, "there's only seven of us left. And the last thing we need is another victor from District 1. You wanna help me finish them off?" Alyssa whispering in his ear, and I can see how affected he his by it. "Besides," she says, pulling on the collar of his shirt to bring him closer, "I know a great way we can celebrate the final five." She leans in very close, and I think Alyssa's about to kiss him, but pulls away at the last minute.

"Holy shit." Johanna says. "She's almost as good as you and Odair."

"I-I- I'm just as confused as everyone else is." I say defensively.

"I've seen so many strategies played out in the Games, but this has to be a first." Haymitch downs a glass of some clear drink, that can't be water.

I shush both of them, and watch what plays out. Cato's brother goes and kills the boy from 1, but won't kill the girl for whatever reason. When Alyssa confronts him about it, Cato's brother then gets pissed, and proceeds to end the alliance. They all go their separate ways, and Alyssa and Dahlia walk into the woods before Alyssa suggests that they break off their alliance. "I just don't want it to come down to us having to kill each other."

Dahlia nods. "That's a really good idea. And- if you win, can you tell my brother I love him? And tell your mentor - Katniss - to take care of him."

Alyssa smiles sadly at her. "Of course." She hugs Dahlia, before giving Dahlia something from her bag. It's a trident, that expanded from the size of my fist to at least a foot and a half. "Go get them. You can do this." The trident has to be made of some type of steel, and I didn't even see it in the Cornucopia. Then again, I was focusing on Gale. They go their separate ways, and Finnick squeezes my hand reassuringly. We'll be there to pick up the pieces of each other. They cut to Cato's brother, who's camped out by the Cornucopia. Alyssa is in the forest. The girl from 1 is somewhere in the grassland. Dahlia's headed towards the stream. Gale and the boy from 7 must be by the mountain.. which I assume is a volcano. I know the Gamemakers won't erupt it unless they have good reason to, and right now they don't.

I run up to Haymitch, and use the Sponsor computer. I scroll down the list of things I can send to Gale. I decide on a few rolls of bread similar to the ones we ate the day of the reaping of my Games, and a canteen filled with mint tea. There's a small space to include a small phrase. I simply write 'Don't give up. - Catnip'. While I'm almost positive Gale won't be coming back, he needs to fight until the last minute if he wants a real chance. "He needed to know that we didn't forget about him." I explain to Haymitch. Just because the cameras haven't been on him doesn't mean he wasn't suffering.

The rest of the day is fairly boring by the Capitol's standards, with no more deaths. When Gale receives his parachute, he takes the note, and crumples it up in a ball, stomping on it with his foot. I assume he's mad at me. He drinks some of the tea, and half of one of the rolls, before climbing up a tree, and resting. "Someone's being a bit dramatic." Johanna mumbles. The gesture will not go unnoticed by sponsors, mentors, and viewers at home. I ignore her and curl up into Finnick's lap. Every second that goes by, we grow closer to Gale and Dahlia's imminent death.

"Wanna go grab some food?" I ask Finnick. "I can't watch this anymore." He agrees, and asks a few others. Cashmere, Gloss,m and Blight decide to join us. An inebriated Haymitch wants to, but I convince Chaff to make him stay here. Johanna wants to keep an eye on her tribute. And Mags asks us to bring her something back.

We walk to a small "themed" restaurant based on District 4. They serve seafood. The Capitol has many themed places like that, to give the 'district experience'. The whole idea of it kind of disgusts me. They just want the good parts of the districts, not the poverty, or the Reaping, or the manual labor. I ignore my feelings, and sit down at the table in between Finnick and Gloss. I always found seafood to be something interesting. Before the Games, I've only ever eaten the food I could hunt, and when I was lucky, I had a selection to choose from. But the idea of legally being able to catch your own food makes it so appealing to me. Finnick's told me a lot about the times he's caught dinner. I order a white creamy soup. They call it clam chowder. Finnick says he likes it when the weather gets colder. It warms up my insides, and it reminds me of Greasy Sae's wild dog stew. It was my personal favorite, but honestly I was happy with any type of food. I still am. While I'm dining on exquisite food, children in District 12 are starving. I force myself to finish the bowl. Throwing out food is never okay. But the people here do it without a second thought. Gloss talking to me draws me back into reality. "So, Katniss. Is Finnick really as good in between the sheets as he claims he is?"

Cashmere rolls her eyes, "We're eating, for crying out loud!"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" I raise an eyebrow at him flirtatiously. I'm totally committed to Finnick. There's not a doubt in my mind about that. But I need to be known as a flirt. I whisper something irrelevant in Finnick's ear. But it serves it's purpose.

"Ask her again tomorrow morning." Blight laughs. He's pretty cool. I decide I like them. We joke around for a little bit, before heading back. Cashmere suggests that since there's no plans for tonight, we all go down to her and Gloss' floor to play some games and drink. I accept graciously. I'm not addicted to alcohol, but it definitely numbs the pain, and takes my mind off things. I'd be lying if I said it didn't help.

There's a bit of a crowd at Cashmere and Gloss' apartment. All of the younger mentors, plus Haymitch and Chaff are there. Blight makes some drinks, but its useless. Haymitch and Johanna like drinking out of the bottle. Once every has a drink or two, we all sit down on the floor. Cashmere suggests a game she used to play in school called truth. It seems kind of dumb, really. You're asked a question and you have to answer truthfully. But I don't protest. It seems like a good way to get to know people.

Finnick goes first. He picks truth, and Gloss asks him how many people if he's had sex with more than twenty people. He ponders it for a minute, before answering, "Yeah."

Cashmere rolls her eyes. "He's Finnick Odair, for crying out loud. What did you expect?"

"Fair enough. Katniss, you go." Johanna changes the topic. I pick truth as well.

"Don't get mad at me, I've been dying to know this for a while. When you had the romance with the boy from your district, did you actually like him, or did you fake it?" A mentor from 6 asks me. She stares at me, trying to see how I'll react.

Peeta. Talk about rubbing salt in a wound. "Well, it's complicated." I look to Haymitch for support, but he's wasted. "At first I was just going along for it, but by the time I found him by the lake, I knew I had feelings for him." I say, not giving anything away.

We play for a little. It's not that bad. I found out that Cashmere used to have a crush on Finnick, The mentor from 6 doesn't know how to start a fire, Gloss thinks President Snow is a secret pervert, Blight's mother doesn't talk to him anymore because he killed a girl during his games, and Johanna doesn't like to sleep with the lights off.

Around eleven, everyone heads into the elevator to go back to their rooms. Before Finnick gets off the elevator, he lowers his voice to a whisper. "Stay with me tonight?" He asks. I take his hand and get off the elevator. I look around but don't see Mags. "She went home. Her daughter is having a baby." I frown, I didn't get to say goodbye.

I go into Finnick's room and rummage through his drawers until I find something I can sleep in. I end up borrowing one of his tee-shirts. It's long and baggy on me. I've been losing weight and sleep. The next time my prep team sees me, they'll freak out over my tired eyes, terrible posture, and frowning face. I just can't be happy when I know that they're still fighting, still alive. I just want to sleep and wake up when they have a winner. Finnick wraps his arms around my waist from behind me, and kisses my neck. "Hey, it's gonna be okay." He tells me. I'm not sure who's Finnick's trying to convince - me or himself. I want to believe him.

I turn around, and bury my head in the crook of his neck. He smells like the ocean and Capitol lotions and something distinctly Finnick. We're in an embrace for no reason for a few minutes. "Finnick?" I ask him, lifting my head up. "Would you do something for me?"

Finnick sits down on the edge of bed, and holds my hands in his. "Of course." I believe him. "What did you have in mind?" Suddenly he jumps up, remembering something. "Hold that thought. I didn't give you a tour of my bedroom. This is where the magic happens." He winks at me. I giggle a little.

"That was an amazing tour." I shake my head, smiling at him. "But seriously. I need to ask you to do something." Finnick walks across the room to sit down next to me, but ends up tripping on my heels, which I carelessly kicked off into a corner, and falls on top of me. He kisses me. He lingers by my lips, before I pull him into another kiss. His touch is intoxicating, and addictive. I can't get enough. I feel the same hunger that I felt for Peeta when we were kissing in the cave during our Games. I want more. "Make love to me?" I ask him.

Finnick rolls off me, and sits up. ""You don't have to ask twice." I'm on the bed and he kisses me. But for some reason, these kisses feel different. There less rushed, with more thought going into them. I like them. My hands hold onto his soft, bronze hair. Our clothes are somewhere- I don't even know where I threw my underclothes. And honestly, I don't really care. For a moment, we just hold each other, feeling even closer than I thought was possible. I'm truly naked in front of Finnick. And that has nothing to do with our state of undress. It's just me and him, and our raw emotions.

He doesn't waste any time bringing our lips back together, laying back next to be in the bed. Finnick flips me over so that he's on top of me, kissing down my neck. "I'm so lucky to have you to myself." Finnick grins, but then his smile falters for a minute. "Are you sure you want to do this? We can wait a little. There's really no rush. If you're not ready..." He trails off.

"I want this." I smile reassuringly at him. "I want you." I lift my neck up to kiss him sweetly.

"That's all I need to here. God, you're so beautiful," Finnick says in between kisses. He makes his way down to my breasts and lightly sucks on my nipple. The sensation is so unknown. I blush, realizing how inexperienced I am compared to him. I elicit a small moan. I arch my back, and my breath catches in my throat. It's never felt this good before. Finnick's hands travel down my stomach, and cup my center. He hesitates for a moment before gently pushing my legs apart. Finnick runs a finger down my slit, and I shiver. "Tell me if you want to stop."

"Please" I moan, kissing him. Finnick looks me in the eyes, and he slowly thrusts into me. It feels so much different and at least a thousand times better than with the men in the Capitol or my awkward first time. The first time Finnick and I had sex, it was clumsy and painful, we didn't even know each other. And with my wealthy Capitol dates, I usually just try to close my eyes, and think of something else. But right now, it's just me and him, and this.

His thrusts are slow and rhythmic. I lift my hips to match his motions. Everything that can't bear to be said out loud is being said right now. I scratch my long, painted nails down Finnick's tanned back. He spreads my legs further, and his lips find my own, suppressing what would have probably been an embarrassingly loud moan.

We move a little faster. I notice that the headboard is hitting the wall. Thump. Thump. Thump. I don't really care. I drag one of my hand down his back, the other's in his hair. Finnick looks in my eyes again. I don't know how I should feel. I wish my mind would shut up, and I could just feel. I realize how much of the same person we really are. I wonder if me and Finnick would have made a good couple if we hadn't been scarred by our games. But then I would probably be with be Peeta. Or even Gale. Katniss Everdeen, this is not the time to think of Peeta. I wonder if Finnick thinks of Annie. Finnick changes his angle, and I lift my head up to be more receptive, and grasp his lips with a searing kiss. I move my head, and Finnick takes the opportunity to suck on my pulse point. I wrap my legs around his waist, and I think I hear him gasp someone else's name. It doesn't bother me as much as it should. I whisper some combination of Finnick and Peeta's names, and I clench around him. Suddenly my world is just a rush of light and I feel tingly and warm in my whole body, from my head to the tips of my toes.

Finnick holds me in his arms for a minute, before pulling out of me. I lay my head on his chest, and he tells me, "You know that was the first time I've done that." I look at him quizzically. "I've had sex before, you'd know that. But this was the first time I actually made love to someone. It was... nice."

"It was mine too." I smile at him, looking up and kissing him softly. I pull the blanket over us, and curl up into Finnick's chest. What we have is something special. I think that things might actually be okay. Eventually. Even though our relationship is meaningful to both us, and we both care about each other, I know that we're both still caught up in the ones we can't have. "We should do that again sometime." I fall asleep content, but somethings missing. I can't tell if we want each other, or we're just filling the void.


	16. Chapter 16

I wake up to the sound of Gloss laughing. I sit up, startled, but quickly pull the blanket up to cover my naked body. "What if I was Mags? You would've given me a damn heart attack. Get your ass out of bed." Gloss smirks. "I wasn't sure if you two were actually fucking."

Finnick groans, rubbing his eyes. "Gloss? What the hell." He looks at me, and presses his lips to mine. "Morning. Last night was... amazing." I just smile at him.

Gloss fakes gagging. He throws a bundle of clothes at me. "Get dressed or something. Cashmere had me bring this for you. And hurry up too." I put on the grey slip dress, and throw one of Finnick's button down shirts over it, leaving it open. I think I'll make a habit out of borrowing his clothes. I redo my makeup in the bathroom, and braid my hair down my back. All of the other mentors are waiting downstairs. Johanna grins at me when she sees us.

Cashmere shakes her head when she sees us. "Every night? Jeez, Odair. What did you turn her into? She's not even seventeen yet."

I groan, and bury my head in my hands. "Let's get out of here." Nothing's happened overnight. They even show a bit of Gale, hunting and stuff. I can tell the Gamemakers will want to pull something on him and the boy from 7. Gale decides to go for a walk. He only has one backpack, and made a bow and arrow and a wooden knife. He walks straight into the path of the boy from 7 in a clearing in the forest. He looks like he's twelve or thirteen years old, and is starved. He's limping and has a gash on his right forearm.

"Can you k-kill me? Please. I know I'm not gonna win." He stutters. I turn to Johanna and raise my eyebrows, confused. She shrugs. "The Career tributes- they're scary. And I watched your cousin kill the boy from 1. He didn't look like he was in pain. Could you do it so it won't hurt."

Gale sighs. He's just as confused as we are. "I guess. Are you sure?" The boy nods, and gives him his water bottle. "Sorry." Gale says, before shooting an arrow into his chest. The canon goes off a second later. Gale's knees buckle and he tries to catch his breath. "Get a grip, Hawthorne." He stands up and hikes off towards the mountain.

"What was that about?" I ask Johanna. She just shakes her head. That was too weird. Or maybe he just knew that he was gonna die, and figured it would be best to get it over with. That makes 5 people left. I have a 60% chance that a person I care about is gonna win. The girl from 1 got a 9. Cato's brother got a really high score in training as well. Can this just be over with already? They cut to the girl from 1. She's doing something. I can't tell what it is, maybe some type of advanced snare. Dahlia is in her shadow, hiding a few meters away. One wrong step and she'll be exposed. I can tell what Dahlia wants to do. She's gonna surprise attack and kill her. I grab Finnick's hand. This'll either go great or terrible. Frankly, I don't know which one.

Dahlia tiptoes out and takes a knife out to throw at her. A perfect hit would be her back, or the back of her head. She trips over a tree root and misses, the knife whizzing right by the girl's ear. She whips her head around, her blonde hair hitting the other side of her face. "You've got to be kidding me. I thought you could do better than that. Stand up. You're pathetic. If I'm gonna kill you, I want at least a little bit of a challenge. Don't make it that easy." She rolls her eyes. Dahlia stands up. The girl sighs. "Try again. Throw a knife. You people from 4 are way too chicken. You at least should get a try before your hovercraft comes for your corpse."

Dahlia throws one, and it would have hit the girl straight in the forehead, but the girl from 1 ducks. She picks up the knife. "Sweetie, this is how you throw one." She aims for her stomach, but she falls to the ground and the knife impales the middle of Dahlia's thigh.. There's an arrow in her throat. The canon goes off, and Gale appears. Dahlia's eyes widen.

"Hey, I'm not gonna kill you." Gale puts his hands up in defense. "Seriously. I punched your brother in the face once, so I sort of owe it to him to keep you alive for a little."

"He punched you in the face?" Blight asks Finnick. "Why?" I groan.

"Well Gale isn't Katniss' cousin. That was made up. Because she was doing the whole lovers thing with the boy from her district. They're really good friends. But Gale likes her. He has for a while. And when he found out that we were dating, he punched me in the jaw." Finnick explains. My stomach drops, and I remember when he kissed me before he was sent into the arena. I need to tell Finnick. But not right now. It's not important.

Gale slowly removes the knife from her leg, and takes his first aid kit. He cleans the wound. It looks bad, but nowhere near as bad as Peeta's was. Gale wraps a few bandages around it. "And then there were four." Dahlia sighs. "Why are you doing this? Seriously. Don't bring Finnick or Katni- your cousin into this."

"Honestly?" Gale frowns. "I don't really know. One part of me thinks that if for some reason I win, and I had killed you, my cousin would never forgive me. But really I have no reason to kill you. It's not like this is a fight to the death or anything." He jokes. Dahlia smiles at him.

"Holy crap." I whisper in Finnick's ear, "I think he likes her." Finnick just groans.

"She better not. Juliette will kill her if she-" Finnick cuts himself off. Probably not the best choice of words, considering their situation.

"I don't think I'll last too long anyways." Dahlia points to the bandage that's soaked red. It must be really deep. Finnick jumps up as if the couch is on fire, and over to the sponsor screen, and sends something, I'm not sure what. I feel sick to my stomach. The parachute arrives a few moments later. It's some type of cream, and what appears to be a medical sewing kit. Dahlia opens it up. "They're watching us." She smiles. She tries to apply the cream, but she can't do it, with out crying out in pain.

"Want me to sew you up?" Gale asks. She shakes her head. Dahlia threads the needle and gives herself makeshift stitches, joking about being a doctor. Dahlia tries to stand up but she can't. "You should just camp here." Gale tells her.

"Me? What about you?" She asks Gale, frowning.

"I guess I'll stay if you want." He shrugs. "It's not like I have a train to catch or anything." I think the Gamemakers are speeding up the clock in the Arena. It's not even noon here. Dahlia feels better and decides to light a fire. She stands up, and then falls flat on her bottom. Someone somewhere threw a spear at her, and ran. I can see that it's a male. Cato's brother. Gale didn't catch who it was. And now Cato's brother is gone. It hit Dahlia in the middle of her torso, right where Marvel hit Rue. I know she's going to die. Finnick squeezes my hand so hard, I think he might break it, or cut off the circulation. I don't try to shake him off. He needs me. "Holy crap. Dahlia." Gale helps her lay down, her head resting on a log. Johanna tells Haymitch to get the liquor out.

"If you win, just please tell Finnick I'm sorry I couldn't come home. And tell him to stop blaming himself for things that are out of his control. Nobody's mad at him." A tear rolls down Dahlia's cheek. "And tell him I know the truth, but I'm not mad. I'm proud of him."

Finnick groans. He lays his head on my shoulder. I run my hand through his hair. "It really wasn't your fault." I whisper. He doesn't respond.

"Of course I'll tell him." Gale smiles sadly. "I'm not too good, but I guess I can try." He holds onto her hand, and sings the Valley Song. I've known the song since the time I could talk. Everyone in 12 has heard it. I can't help but hum along. When he's done singing, Dahlia just smiles peacefully and then her eyes close. Gale doesn't let go of her hand when the canon goes off. He waits a few seconds, kisses her forehead, and walks away.

"Can I have that bottle?" Finnick pleas to Haymitch. He passes it over to Finnick without a moment's hesitation. Finnick gulps down at least half of the bottle, before I snatch it from him.

"Are you trying to kill yourself?!" I ask Finnick. He just stares at me. His lack of response worries me. "Please don't do something stupid."

Johanna pulls Finnick up, practically dragging him. "Alright, Haymitch Junior. Let's go talk. Outside."

I follow them, and can't help but listen from behind the wall.

Johanna sighs, sitting down on the floor outside, and Finn sits down next to her. "Look Finn- before you say anything, let me talk. I've been there before. I totally get it. You know that. When Matthew was put in the Games two years after me... I thought that Snow had made the Gamemakers blow him up. But it was another tribute, not him. When I told Snow to fuck off, I was done with that crap, he killed them all." I wonder who Matthew is.

"Jo... You mean he didn't actually want to kill Dahlia?" Finnick asks. I can hear the confusion in his voice.

"He wants you to be angry."

"I am angry."

I can practically _hear_ Johanna's eye's rolling. "Snow thinks you'll want to get some type of revenge on him, and then when you do, he'll kill them all- Juliette, your sister and dad. Annie." 

"I really did love her." Finnick sighs. I can't help but feel something twist in my stomach. Am I jealous?

"I know. But you can't even dare to go back to her. Besides, I've seen the way you look at Katniss. You love her too." She tells him, "Now get back in there. She's gonna need you when Gale's canon goes off." I want to puke or something.

"I think I should get some water first." I take that opportunity to look at something on one of the computers. I frown when I see a very tipsy Finnick Odair stumble back in. I don't get to have an opinion on what he does. It's my job to help him through this. I get a large bottle of water, and give it to him, helping him sit down in a chair. "In the future," I tell him, "Don't drink on an empty stomach."

"Yeah yeah." Finnick rolls his eyes, in the same way Haymitch usually does. He drinks half of the water bottle, and then falls asleep. He'll be fine. The Gamemakers must be in a rush to end it. They cut to Cato's brother, who's camped out in the forest. Alyssa's on the other side, by the mountain. Gale is walking around aimlessly, by the Cornucopia.

I hear the noise before I see it. Gale's shocked expression is almost as loud as the erupting volcano. Alyssa is right by the base of the volcano. The eruption is fairly quick. I see Alyssa sprinting, a few yards ahead of the lava rolling towards Gale. Her leg is badly burnt, worse than how mine was when the fireball hit me. I cringe. Gale throws his stuff on top of the Cornucopia, and slides down to grab her. He throws Alyssa on top of his shoulder, and carries her to the top of the Cornucopia, where his bags were. I jump up, and get her burn medicine, the strongest one. It costs as much as three hours with me. I send a tin with the message: Don't give up. The odds are in your favor - Katniss.

Alyssa smiles, looking relived when she gets the tin. Gale just grimaces. "What'd you know, she found time to stop screwing her boyfriend and help us." I frown. That stings.

"Give her a break, Gale." Alyssa rolls her eyes, letting out a moan of relief. "You know, I don't know how there's gonna be a winner. I'm not gonna kill you or Dahlia."

Gale sighs. "Dahlia's dead. The boy from 2 killed her." Alyssa shakes her head. "She's dead, goddammit!" I look over at Finnick, thankful he's still passed out.

"I'm going to kill him. No, that's not strong enough. I'm going to end his life in the most painful way he can imagine. Slowly and intimately. Until he's begging for death, he welcomes it as an escape." Alyssa's eyes turn hard and cold. The eyes of a victor. She could win this. A part of me is still having trouble comprehending that Gale's still alive, he still has a chance. I said my goodbyes when his name was called on Reaping Day.

They fall asleep on top of the Cornucopia. There's no sign that Cato's brother knows where Gale and Alyssa are. Even so, he's outnumbered two to one. It would be dumb to attack. But they're so exposed. It bothers me. Cato's brother could pop and kill one of them and anytime during the night, and the other would wake up too late.

Haymitch drags me outside the room and into some abandoned room. "Which one do you want to win?" He asks me.

"What do you mean?" I'm confused by his question.

"I mean exactly what I asked. If you had to go in there right now, and you could only save your Gale or Alyssa, who would you save?" My ex-mentor rolls his eyes. I think about the question for a while. In a perfect world, I would bring them both home. But in said perfect world, there wouldn't be a Hunger Games in the first place. Haymitch notes my lack of an answer. "Until you figure it out, you won't be happy with the winner." Haymitch turns to walk away, so I can think.

"Who did you choose?" I ask him.

Haymitch turns around. "Alyssa. Your cousin doesn't have the will to survive. It's as simple as that. Also, you better tell Finnick about-" he cuts himself off.

"Tell me about what?" A much perkier Finnick asks us.

"Not now." I say, sounding a lot sterner than I mean to. He doesn't push.

Later that day, we go to my apartment, to say our goodbyes to Blight, Johanna, Mags and some of the other mentors. All the mentors who don't have tributes left are allowed to leave. The only people staying are Haymitch, Finnick and I, Cashmere, and Gloss. As well as the two District 2 mentors. The five of us are staying on my floor, since we have 'the nicest views' or something. District 2 doesn't seem to have the same bond that rest of the districts have. I don't question it. District 2's a lot more friendly with the Capitol then the other districts are.

I lay in the bed, my head on Finnick's chest. I sit up, and look him in the eyes, clasping his hands in mine. "Please don't be mad at me." Finnick tries to say something, but I shush him. "When I was saying goodbye to Gale and Alyssa, I hugged Gale. And before I could stop him, he kissed me." I see the expressions change on Finnick's face - from confusion, to hurt and then anger. "I didn't kiss him back. It only lasted a second. But I just felt like I needed to tell you."

Finnick's face softens considerably. "Thank you for telling the truth." He says, in an oddly neutral tone. It worries me. "Goodnight, Katniss." He kisses my forehead. As soon as he leaves the room, I bury my face in my hands. I just ruined the only good thing I had. Something warm trickles down my cheeks. It takes a moment for me to realize those are my tears. I strip down to my underclothes, and pull the blanket up to my chest in the dark, empty room. I don't even try to fall asleep. A few hours later, Finnick slips into bed next to me, and wraps his arms around me. The clock my by bed says it's three thirty. His body betrays him, and around four he murmurs my name in his sleep, grabbing my tightly. I bask in the warmth of his hold, and try to memorize the feeling. I don't know when I'll be able to lay in his arms again. That thought plagues my mind as I try to dose off to sleep.

"Wake up." I hear Finnick murmur, kissing my forehead. I didn't sleep a lot, and waking up seems like an impossible task. "Katniss." He frowns. I groan, and pull the blanket over my head. "Do you want me to get Haymitch to wake you up?"

I sit up, horrified at the idea of that. "I'm up." I say. "Wait, so you're not mad at me?"

"After yesterday?" Finnick asks. I nod. "Of course not. It's not like you initiated it. Besides, we all make mistakes, or experience things we regret." He sound awfully self-reflective. "Now come on. They have a victor to crown."

Alyssa is still asleep on top of the Cornucopia. Gale is laying next to her, propped up on one arm. He's watching her, but it's cute, not creepy. There's the sound of someone dropping something heavy. Alyssa jolts up, wielding a knife. Gale's eyes widen. "Alyssa. There's no one there." She exhales, and puts her knife away. Cato's brother is walking leisurely towards them. He carries a sword, and that's it. His shirt has been tattered, and it's now basically sleeves and a neckline.

"Well well well... What do we have here? It's the two losers from District 12. Alyssa, right? You're just another pretty face. And whatever your name is. Pretty boy. The cousin. You're just... how the hell are you still alive?" He looks at them, confused.

Alyssa raises her eyebrows, and bats her eyelashes. "You think I'm pretty?" The camera zooms in on her leg- it's healed and almost back to normal. If only my mother had the supplies the Capitol did. She'd be even better than she already is. Gale shoots Alyssa a look. But she just shakes her head, mind your own buisness. "Well, you're not too bad yourself. You know it's too bad that there's only one winner. The two of us could have been something special." She bites her lip. "Well, Marcus. What'd you say? If you're gonna kill me, you might as well enjoy yourself first." Marcus. Hm. I didn't know that was his name.

"She isn't serious, is she?" Cashmere asks, confused.

"Well all I know is she's hot. Odair, I get why you go for the younger ones." Gloss grins.

Alyssa grins, and nods at Gale. "Throw the sword over there. That comes later." She tells him. When Marcus throws it behind the Cornucopia, Alyssa slides down the side of the golden structure. She puts his hand on his cheek, and leans in to kiss him. Well shit. My eyes never leave the screen. It's a long kiss too. When she finally pulls away. "You don't know how long I've wanted to do this." Marcus grins cockily. He strokes her cheek, and I hear Alyssa gasp. None of us noticed he stuck a knife in between her ribs. I see her face pale and the blood trickle out. He twists the knife a few times, and then takes it out. She's a goner. The canon goes off. They don't show Gale. We're all caught off-guard. I take a large knife meant for cutting beef, and hurl it at the wall.

"First you kill a placemat, now a door? Nice improvement." Haymitch guffaws sarcastically. He must be so used to his tributes dying, that it doesn't bother him anymore.

"Don't." Finnick warns him. He turns to me. "Hey, breathe." I try to take a deep breath. I feel nauseous.

"Why don't you get some air sweetheart?" Haymitch suggests, a little more sympathetic. I nod, and slowly stand up.

"Come with me?" I ask Finnick. The idea of leaving his side is terrifying, now more than ever. Gloss mutters some sexual innuendo, but Cashmere chastises him. Finnick nods, standing up, and squeezing my hand supportively. We're really gonna need each other these next few days.

We barely get out the door, when Cashmere runs after us. "You want to watch this. Trust me." She tells me.

Marcus has a sword, and Gale has a bow and arrow. They stand about fifty feet away from each other. "Well, well, well. And then there were two. But there can only be one winner..." Marcus trails off. 

Gale rolls his eyes. "Genius, aren't you. I'm surprised you could do the math."

"Your cousin killed my brother. It's only fair that I avenge his death. Would that be right?"

Gale shrugs. "What if I kill you first?"

Marcus just laughs. He seems genuinely amused at the thought, and I find that a little disturbing. "Oh please. You haven't killed anyone or anything. You wouldn't hurt a fly. You district twelve people are _so_ pathetic, just mining coal and being so... helpless. Do you even know how to shoot a bow and-" He isn't able to finish the sentence, because Gale's shot an arrow right above his eye. That's how _I_ kill. The canon goes off a minute later.

_Ladies and Gentlemen, we have the winner of the 74th Hunger Games._


	17. Chapter 17

Haymitch and I are escorted to the hovercraft, and in less than ten minutes we're picking Gale up and bringing him into the hovercraft, far away from the arena. Sadly, his experiences won't stay in there. I see him and the first thing I do is hug him. I cry, while he's emotionless. I ignore the fact that he's smelly and sweaty. He's alive, and that's more than I could ever ask for. "Hey, Catnip." He smiles at me. I didn't even realize how much I missed him. We sit down on the bench, and he lays his head on my shoulder. He asks me quietly, "So what happens next?"

I pause for a minute, before answering truthfully. "I don't know." Honestly, I'm not sure if he'll be left alone, or subjected to the same fate as Finnick, Cashmere and I are, as Johanna was. Maybe Gale will drink like Haymitch, Chaff and Johanna, or start using morphling like some of the older victors from 5 and 6. The rest of the short ride is silent. We're brought into a small car, and back to the training center.

"You try to forget. It's not like you have the victory tour to worry about. Or then the Quell." Haymitch cuts in, his voice dripping with irony.

"Not helping." I frown at him. Haymitch is a lot of things, but not supportive. I change the topic. "Hazelle and the kids are moving in two your new house as we speak. You're gonna be my neighbor again."

Gale runs a hand through his brown hair. I see something reflected in his Seam eyes, but I'm not so sure what it is. "I killed two people. I know that's really not a lot compared to some, but still. I feel so… remorseful. Does that ever go away?"

"Not really." Haymitch grumbles. "But no matter what happens, you need to agree to anything that's asked of you. I don't care how bad you think agreeing is. Consequences for the alternative are much worse. Most of the victors, we get that. A week after I came home from my Games, my family was all killed. It's a long story. You know what Katniss has been through. Annie's mom isn't worthy of that title. The Odair family is a fuck-up in every sense of the word, Johanna is alone too. But we all have each other. I know you don't want hear this, but not having anyone who means anything to you actually can help you. It helped me. But we're here for you."

"Let's not get into that right now." I sigh. I'll probably have an appointment or two when I get back. "The important thing is to look forward. Everything that's happened is in the past." we pull up to the training center apartments, and head upstairs. "Go take a shower." I tell Gale kindly. "And then we'll get you ready for your interview." Gale nods and takes a towel. He goes into and goes into the bathroom. I notice a bouquet of white roses on top of my armoire. There's a small note in Snow's neat calligraphy: Miss Everdeen: Don't we all hate when plans fall through? - C.S. There's a small slip of paper attached, with a time. 2:30, 3:30, and 4:30. I can live with that. It's only ten thirty, so there's plenty of time. But what he says gives me a terrible feeling. President Snow has made it blatantly obvious that he's not happy with Gale.

Speaking of Gale. He comes out few minutes later with a fluffy white towel around his hips. "Do you know where Haymitch is?" He asks. I point him in the right direction. I go into my room to get ready. I quickly wash my face, and take off of whatever clothes I had thrown on. I change into some racy red lingerie. I put on a strapless black dress that's very tight until my hips over it. I put on my blue eyeliner and black mascara, with clear lip gloss. I feel adventurous in my look today. I've been reading Capitol fashion magazines when I can't fall back asleep. They talk about which products should be used on your face, and what colors to wear to different parties. It's insane how many people read these articles about going on dates and which parties people went to. Does it really matter? To them it does, I guess. So it should matter to me while I'm here. I am a celebrity and fashion icon. It couldn't hurt to start acting like it.

I walk outside and Haymitch and Gale are laughing about something in the living room. They fall silent when they see me. "Wow." Gale says.

"It's one of those days." I explain, sitting down next to him. "So, how do you feel?"

"It feels weird killing people. Was it different for you?" He asks.

I shrug. "Maybe. I only really killed one person. I was responsible for the death of the girl and boy from both 1 and 2, the boy from 3 when I blew up the food, and the boy from back home. But everyone deals with it differently." An idea pops into my mind. "I know who you should talk to. I'll go with you, alright?" Johanna and Finnick would understand. Both of them were ruthless killers, but are good listeners. It wouldn't hurt for Gale to meet some people too. I bring Gale into the elevator, not giving him a choice in the matter. I push floor seven, and find all of the mentors there: Cashmere, Gloss, Finnick and Johanna. The mentors from 2 must have gone home. Haymitch is taking a nap. "Look who I brought with me. Gale, this is Cashmere and Gloss. They're from 1. Johanna's from 7. You know Finnick. This is my- this is Gale." They all greet him. I sit down next to Finnick and give him a small kiss hello. Gale sits between Cashmere and I.

Cashmere smiles at him. "It's nice to meet you." She twirls a strand of her blond hair.

Gloss laughs at her. "You can be like Finn and go for the younger ones." Johanna gags. "Don't even talk Johanna. You like Haymitch for crying out loud." I still find it weird that they're together, but I don't question it. We're all really screwed up.

"So how are you?" Finnick asks Gale. I can tell he wants to be nice. But I'm anxious something bad might happen between the two of them. With Gale kissing me and all. "It's pretty hard getting over the games. I'm not gonna lie. Some end up like Haymitch over there, or my friend Annie. There will be nightmares. But just remember, you did what you needed to."

Gale shakes his head. "Whatever. And I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive myself for killing anyone. Especially on the victory tour, when I look their families dead in the face."

Johanna shrugs, nonchalantly. "As long as you're not crazy, which you aren't, and you don't do drugs, I think you'll be fine. Well as fine as you can get. Unless... he's you know. Like us. Do you think he'll have to...?" Oh. I honestly didn't realize that Gale could end up like us. Used.

"Frankly, maybe." Gloss shrugs. It didn't even cross my mind that Gloss was like us. But he is the male version of Cashmere, and pretty attractive, I guess. It would make sense.

Cashmere nods in agreement. "You're hot. Now the good question, out of all the victors you could hang out with, you choose the drunk guy in the corner, who is god-knows-where the depressed ex-whore, the fucked up siblings, and those two, who can't keep their hands off each other. Great taste. What is this? The prostitute party?"

Gale laughs. It's nice. I realize that missed his laugh. "I honestly don't know, to be honest. But I'm not gonna end up like that. I'm not gonna let them dictate my life. They can't touch me."

Finnick shakes his head. "Gloss fucked up and got his sister reaped. I fucked up and got my ex-girlfriend reaped." Annie. Of course they dated at one point. "Johanna lost her family by putting her foot down, and Katniss almost lost you. Speaking of fucking, I need to get dressed."

"I would tell Katniss to get you dressed, but that would end up with both of you undressed." Johanna laughs. Gale swallows hard. "Seriously, for people who have sex so much, you would think they could give it a rest every once in a while. But no." Finnick comes out, a few moments later, in a pair of black pants and a nice, navy shirt. He looks fantastic. "Jesus Katniss, stop undressing him with your eyes. You guys have dates to get to."

I check the clock on the wall, it's 1:45. "I have to go... I'll be back in time for your interview. Will you be alright?"

"Maybe." He shrugs. "I think so." I take the elevator downstairs with Finnick, towards my cab. I'm not looking forward to this. 

 

When I get back to the training center a few hours later, smelling of the unmistakable stench of sex, Effie has transformed and woken up a passed-out Haymitch, and Gale's prep team cleaned up Gale. Portia, Haymitch, Effie and Gale are all waiting for me. My face lights up when I see them. I kiss Portia and Effie on their cheeks. I straighten up my dress, and hug Haymitch. "Hey," I whisper to him, "we did it. We brought one of them home. And that's all we can ask for." He nods, and almost cracks a smile. "Well today has been a long day. I need to change. Gale, can I borrow you for a minute?" He nods, and follows me into my room. "Do you like them? You can say no."

Gale sighs, sits down, and leans back on my bed. I don't stop him. "It was... alright I guess. Johanna would fit in well back home. Cashmere's pretty hot. For someone from 1. But she's 24 years old."

I laugh. "I wouldn't worry about age differences. Finnick and I are eight years apart, Johanna and Haymitch are fifteen. And after the Games, I really stopped thinking negatively about other districts. Even though a lot of people have their thoughts about Twelve. I used to hate 1, 2, and 4. Now I have friends in two of them."

Gale nods, still processing all of this. He looks like he's about to ask me something else, but Effie barges in. "It's time to leave for the interview! I'll bring Gale down, you and Haymitch stay here. We'll pick out something lovely for dinner!" Gale makes a face at me, and follows Effie out.

"Hey Gale," I stop them, before they get in the elevator. "Just be yourself." I tell him. He nods, and the glass elevator closes. I sit in the living room with Haymitch and Portia. Gale's interview with Caesar is much longer than the one he had before the Games, since there's only one person to interview instead of twenty-four. Caesar played the interviews with her family back home: Hazelle, Rory, Vick, Posy, Prim, and a few people I don't recognize. They must be his friends. Then, Caesar asks Gale about his time in the games, and how it felt to watch two people die.

"It was terrible, I'm not gonna lie." He shakes his head, as if trying to get the memory out of his mind. That won't work. "But the Hunger Games is a fight to the death. So of course, people will die."

"Of course." Caesar agrees with Gale, patting him on the back. "Were you close with your district partner, Alyssa?"

Gale shrugs. "Well, we lived in different parts of District Twelve, and we were in different grades, so I didn't meet her until after the reaping. The night before we went into the arena, I couldn't fall asleep. I was pretty nervous. I was going to talk to my cousin, Katniss, but I figured that wouldn't have been a good idea. She's dating Finnick Odair, you know." The crowd laughs, and I turn beet red. "So I decided to talk to Alyssa. She was awake as well. We just tried to keep each other from getting too nervous." Caesar asks him a few more questions, and then signs out.

"Katniss." Portia asks me. "Why did Gale kiss you, before he left the morning of the games? It seemed a little strange, especially since he's your cousin."

I sigh. "We're not cousins. We're best friends. The Capitol made that up, when I was in love with Peeta. Gale's liked me forever. That's sort of why he was reaped. He kissed me right before he left for the arena." I must sound like a bitch. But it's the truth. _Oh_ , is all they can say. I slump down on the couch.

Effie comes in, babbling about how well that went. After dinner, we'll head back on the train to go home. I don't know if I'll be happy to be home, or despise it. I did bring back Gale, so hopefully that makes me redeemable. "What's for dinner?" Effie asks.

I collect myself enough to answer, "We figured Gale should pick. It's been a while since he's had a real meal." Honestly, we hadn't even thought about it. But Effie doesn't need to know that. Over the most delicious wild turkey, and some soup that tastes like home, Haymitch drops a bombshell: Johanna's going to move into his house with him. Gale looks just as confused as I am. "Your house is a mess." I remind him.

"I have a new housekeeper. Gale's mother, actually." Hazelle? I'm actually thankful she'll have steady work. "And it's not like this is a new thing. We've been together for a year and a half." Gale says nothing, but I know he appreciates it. The avoxes clear our plates, and we get our bags and get ready to board the train. I hug Portia goodbye, promising daily phone calls to her and Cinna, and we get in the elevator. Haymitch pushes seven. We step out, and look around for Johanna. Gloss tells me she's in the bathroom. Cashmere says hello and goodbye to Gale who just smiles and winks. Cashmere rolls her eyes, but smiles.

I see Finnick and hug him tightly. "I don't know how I'll manage without you." I tell him. It's just a fact - I can barely sleep the night with Finnick, it'll be much worse without him there.

"I'm scared to go back home. Knowing I've failed them." Finnick whispers to me. I nod in agreement, but just pull him in for a final kiss. I'm not going to see him again for six months. I don't know how I'll bear it. It's much more passionate that I imagined. Johanna fakes a gagging noise.

"I'll see you soon, okay?" We go down to the lobby and board the train. We pull away from the Capitol train station and board. Johanna and Haymitch go back to their room, and I try not to picture… that. Gale asks if she can stay in my room. I let him, of course. But it's a little weird to be honest. I push my feelings aside. I need to be there for him, as a friend.

I try to fall asleep. Gale sleeps on the other side of the bed, turned away from me. I can't get my eyes to stay shut. It seems like the idea of facing the nightmares I know will be waiting for me is unbearable. Soon enough, I'm able to drift off into sleep. My nightmare is less subtle. Gale dies. And then Gale and I are talking in the square, back in District Twelve and he just punches me in the gut, really hard. I can feel the pain, as if I've really been hit. I bend over. Gale starts yelling about me, how I should have tried harder to keep him alive. How that's all he's ever asked of me. And how I wasn't able to do any of it: keep Peeta alive, keep Gale alive, try to reciprocate Gale's feelings. Who will I get killed next? Prim or my mother? Maybe even Finnick. I jolt up, not even realizing why my face is wet. I've been crying. I turn over to look at Gale. He's thrashing, and silently screaming. I shake him awake. "Thanks." Gale says quietly. "Did I wake you?"

I shake my head, no. "I couldn't sleep. But I needed to help you out of that. Wanna walk around?" Gale grins. We end up in the lounge car. According to a clock on the wall, it's two-thirty in the morning. The scenery makes it clear that we must be general area of District 7. We should be back home by eleven in the morning or so. The television is on, and there's some television show about a group of teenagers in a Capitol school. The actors must be in their twenties, and don't look the part at all. We don't really watch it. I get a Capitol attendant to bring us hot chocolate and sweet bread to dip in it. Gale's never had it before. Peeta showed it to me on the train coming to the Capitol, a year ago.

We just talk about everything. Anything to get our minds off this. We talk about growing up, and reminisce about when we first met in the woods. But Sunday hunting is a thing of the past. We decide to try to catch a few more hours of sleep. Gale goes back to his car. I wake up twice, but manage to stay asleep for a while. When Effie wakes me up, and tells me to get dressed because we're almost there, I'm dreading today more than ever. I don't know how I'll be able to possibly get off this train. I'll have to, though. I have to face reality. I braid my hair, and put on a pale, powder blue dress I've worn hundreds of times before. Today, all the attentions off me. And I couldn't be more thankful for that.

Breakfast is silent, but that's alright. When Gale steps off that train, the crowd roars. We've had two victors in a row, which is an extreme rarity. The fact that we're an outlying district, on top of that, is almost unprecedented. I spot Hazelle, surrounded by Rory, Vick and Prim, with Posy in her arms. They're cheering and grinning as well. Yet something feels… off. I can't place it. But my gut feeling is never wrong.


	18. Chapter 18

Gale steps off the stage, going down the stairs two at a time. When he waves, the crowd roars. Gale walks over and picks up Vick and Posy, then hugs Rory and Hazelle, who is crying. Haymitch, Johanna and I are escorted off a side exit. Effie is heading to a resort outside of District 4. She's vacationing with some of her friends. I head back to my house, and drop my bags. My mother, Prim, Hazelle and the kids are all waiting. The first thing I do is hug Hazelle. She strokes my cheek and gives me a small smile. "Thank you." I hug her, and try not to feel bad for thinking he wouldn't make it.

"Where's Gale?" Posy asks. "He's gonna love the new house! There's so much cool stuff! We even have a shower!"

"Bathroom." Hazelle responds quietly, picking her daughter up. I frown, and hug Vick, who seems pretty happy. Rory's talking to Prim at the kitchen table. They're like a younger Gale and I, but without all the drama. Rory and Vick are just like Gale, but Vick's too tall for his age. They're fourteen and eleven, respectively. Luckily, none of them will ever have to sign up for tesserae. Gale and I will make sure of that. "Our new neighbor Haymitch gives quite a paycheck. We're on our to the sweet shop to pick up some candies." I grin - Haymitch must be very understanding. Still, he must have been more than generous to give Hazelle enough money, that she feels comfortable buying candy. I mentally remind myself to thank him for that. Even outside the arena, Haymitch has been looking out for me. And I'll always owe him for that.

As soon as Gale, Hazelle and the kids are out the door, I hug Prim, and then my mother. I must smell terrible - the last time I showered was yesterday before my appointments. My mother doesn't question me, and I appreciate that. The last thing I need is for her to give me a sex talk. _If only she knew._ I sit down at the table next to Prim. "How are you, little duck? I missed you a lot." Prim tells me about everything I've missed in the three weeks I've been away. Apparently, she found out from another girl in her class that Rory has a crush on her. I'm really happy for her. Maybe Prim has a chance at normal love. She is fourteen, but seems so much younger, probably because she's my kid sister.

I show my mother what I snuck back from the Capitol with me: a box of peppermints and some new dresses for Prim, and a box of modern apothecary dried plants and solutions. My mother is moved to tears, and Prim is overjoyed. We sit down, and we eat some pickled butcher's meat with goat cheese on fresh raisin bread for lunch. "How's Finnick?" My mother asks me. I wonder if she knows we have had sex. I don't really care, given my circumstance. It's not her buisness anyways.

"He's not too good. His sister was a tribute." I explain. I change the subject, not wanting to talk about Dahlia. I don't think we were close enough to be considered friends, but I really liked her. "You really should meet our neighbors. I know that you and them really didn't get off to the best start after we moved in, but they're really good people. Haymitch and Johanna, they're really fantastic."

"Haymitch, I can't even bear to look at him after-" She cuts herself off. She doesn't know that I know about her friend Maysilee Donner, who died during Haymitch's games. Regardless, I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it. "And Johanna Mason? She's a murderer."

"I know about Maysilee." I tell her. "That wasn't his fault. There's only one winner. And so what if Johanna's killed people? So have I. Nobody's a victor by chance. She's no different than me." That seems to shut her up a bit. I turn to Prim. "Hey, do you wanna do something? I miss you."

"Could we just go upstairs? It's been I while since I've just talked to you." I nod, of course, and we go into my room. I kick off my high heels and lay on the bed next to Prim, letting down my hair. "Katniss, can I ask you something? What's been going on? Ever since you won, you've been different. And I know, it's scary, but I mean more different then most people who have won are. You can tell me, you know. I'm good at keeping secrets."

That's when I realize how Prim was affected by this too. Just because she didn't have to fight to the death or sleep with countless rich Capitol men to keep her family alive, doesn't mean she isn't hurting. I feel selfish for not taking her feelings into account. If I had died in my Games, Prim wouldn't ever forgive herself. For a second, I contemplate telling her everything, but I hold myself back. "It's really complicated…" I say, looking at my feet. "And I can't tell you everything, because I don't want you to get in trouble. But just because my Games are over, it doesn't mean I'm done. Winning comes with a price. Obviously, I get nightmares, you know that. But in the Capitol, they think of me as a celebrity of some sort. They try to get into my buisness and make things up about me. They never leave me alone. But the worst part is having to mentor kids. Especially since they're my age. Knowing that someone didn't make it home. I couldn't have helped it, but I still feel responsible."

Prim, doesn't say anything, but just hugs me. After a moment she asks me, "What's that girl who died, Alyssa. You mentored her. What's she like?"

I liked Alyssa. We might have been friends in some other time where there isn't an annual fight to the death. "She was a really nice girl. She isn't flirty though, she's not like what you saw on television. I just feel really bad for her brother. The two of them only had each other."

Prim frowns, obviously saddened. I think the one thing that bothers my sister the most is people having it even worse than we did. "Like us for a while. You know, mother feels bad. For all those years when she was there but she really wasn't. It really wasn't her fault, and she really wants to mend things with you. Not that she really has a choice. She's scared of you."

"My own mother is scared of me?" I ask her, taken aback. I don't know how I expect my mom to feel about me, but scared wasn't one of the things I expected.

Prim nods slowly, as if she's unsure what to say, or if to even say anything at all. After a minute or so, Prim continues. "I'm not scared of you, you're my sister. But I see where she's coming from. You used to run away when mostly naked men would come in injured, and now you're dating a rich guy who just so happens to be Finnick Odair, and flirting on the television. She's unsure of what you are. I mean, she's not good with big changes. And seeing you grow was going to happen. But she wasn't ready for it."

I laugh loudly. Out of all the things my mother could be worried about, she chooses my relationship with Finnick. "Don't worry about Finnick and I, alright? He has a reputation, but the things people say about him - what I used to say about him - they're not true at all. I know that mother doesn't think I should be dating him because there's a bit of an age difference, but we care about each other. And isn't that all that really matters in the end?" I trail off. Prim says nothing, but lays her head on my shoulder.

"You have no idea how much I missed you." Prim tells me, her voice barely above a whisper. I stand up, and hug her tightly, my lips grazing her forehead.

I shake my head. "I do though. I know because I missed you just as much as you missed me, and more." She has no idea what I'd do - hell, what I've done to keep her alive. And I'd do it all again in a heartbeat if it means that Prim is safe and nobody, especially President Snow, can get their hands on her. My mother calls me downstairs and Prim follows. There's somebody here to speak to me. I assume the worst an expect a peacekeeper or somebody important from the Capitol, maybe even President Snow himself. What I don't expect to see Johanna at the door.

She looks really… happy. That's the only way I can describe her. Johanna has this permanent smile on her face. It's strange seeing on someone who I've always thought of as pessimistic, sarcastic, and sarcastic. But if being here, in District 12 of all places, with Haymitch Abernathy makes her that happy, then who am I to judge? She's been through so much, and so has he. They keep each other sane. She walks right past me, and upstairs into my room. She plops down on my bed, and lays back. She is about to say something, but her phone rings. It's kind of weird, but Capitol people have phones that they can carry around to call people on-the-go. Another useless invention.

"Hello? Oh, hey… Yeah, it's nice here. A lot colder. I do miss the beach… yes you have to visit soon. I think you'll like it… Oh no. Really? I should have Katniss call him, that's not good…" I wonder who she's talking to, since she sounds so kind and gentle, unlike her usual self. "Yeah. Go eat some dinner. Tell Adrienne I say hi... I'll call you tomorrow…Hmmm. Bye." She hangs up the phone. "Annie." Johanna explains. "Finn isn't doing too well. Not that anyone blames him. People don't give him enough credit for keeping himself together for so long. Well mostly together."

"Mostly together?" I ask. I know that there's a lot I don't know, but there's a lot I'd like to know. Especially when it comes to Finnick.

"Wait until the Quell." Johanna ignores my question. "He's gonna love that. I can't even imagine how much it's gonna suck. Especially since they'll replay the footage from this year god-knows-how many times. What are they gonna do as the twist? All twelve year olds? 75 tributes? Increase the amount of slips by 75 percent?"

"I don't know." I shrug. I don't want to know. I'd like to curl up in a ball and live in a world with no Hunger Games and no Quarter Quells.

"Well I can promise you it'll be terrible." Johanna informs me, sarcastically. She sits up suddenly, as if getting an idea. "C'mon," she drags me into the bathroom, going through the drawers. She pulls out a pair of scissors. "I'm gonna chop all my hair off." Johanna's thick, dark brown hair was never long, went to her shoulders. But I don't say anything, and watch quietly as she skillfully cuts it so it hits her ears, her choppy bangs sweeping her cheekbones.

"That looks really nice." I tell Johanna. I really like it. "It suits you." I tell her, smiling. This is what normal girls do. Talking about hairstyles and boys. "So… you and Haymitch? I never would've expected it."

Johanna laughs. "Where have you been? We're practically the same people. Like you and Finn." Finnick. Shoot. I really should call him.

"I'm gonna see how he is. I'm not too good with the whole girlfriend thing." Johanna shrugs, oddly neutral.

"I should be going anyways. I'm trying to cook food tonight. Wish me luck." Johanna lets herself out. I hear her talking to someone male downstairs, and I assume it's Haymitch.

A few minutes later, Gale tentatively knocks on my door. "Can I come in?" He asks me. I nod. Gale sits down on the bed. "Hey. So, um what happens now?"

"I'm not sure. You lie low for a little, and then in a few months is the victory tour. After that…" I trail off. "I guess we wait and see. They finally announce the Quell. They've been working on the arena for over a year. It must be something crazy."

"What do you think the Quell is going to be this time around?" Gale ponders. "Maybe they'll have no sponsors, or no weapons."

I start to think… what could it be? We begin to create a list of possible ideas: two siblings, reaping a whole district, no sponsors, no alliances, all girls or all boys, a pre-set amount of time in the arena, or something terrifying like that. Gale mumbles one, and the idea terrifies me. What if there are no victors? I shake my head. "Why don't we talk about something else?" I suggest. This is in no way a good idea. "Wait though, I need to call someone. You can listen in." I pick up the phone and dial Finnick's number. Luckily, he picks up. I don't think I'd be able to talk to Finnick's dad, or Juliette. It's so nice to hear his voice. "Hey, it's me. How is everything?" I ask, worried. I don't know if I want to hear the answer. But I need to ask.

Finnick sighs. I can almost see him running his hand through his bronze hair. "It's terrible. I wasn't expecting to be good, but this is just crap. Juliette refuses to speak to me, my dad's just depressed, and Adrienne won't stop crying. I have to hold them together." He adds quietly, "and I don't know if I can." I don't interrupt as he tells me about the mess that is the Odair household. "The only person who I can really talk to here is Annie. And I'm too worried she'll break down…" I hear some screaming and a crash in the background on his side of the phone.. "...I gotta go. Talk to you soon?" I say goodbye, and hang up.

"Everything okay?" Gale asks me, looking concerned. I shrug.

"Yes. No. I think it's one of those things where we have to wait and see?" I laugh, realizing how indecisive I am. I see Prim in the doorway. "Hey there, little duck. What's going on?"

"Am I interrupting?" She asks politely. She's wearing one of the dresses I bought her, and her hair is braided like how I braid mine.

I shake my head. "Of course not, silly.

"Well, um can you help me with my math homework? I don't really get it."

"I could try. I never was that good at math." The only thing good about winning is that I don't have to go back to school.

"I could help. I got straight A's in math." Gale suggests. "And I was in school for longer than you."

Prim's face lights up. "That would be awesome."

"You two can work in here if you want. I was thinking of going out for a little." I say, putting on my jacket. It's starting to cool down a bit, to the point where you need a sweater and long pants. I decide to walk through the merchant part of town. I pick up some bandages and other supplies for my mother, some dried mint leaves made for tea for myself, and a few small bags of sweets for Prim and Gale. On my way back, I walk past the Mellark's bakery. Something makes me need to stop in. Peeta's two older brothers are working in the storefront, laughing about something, but immediately stop when I walk in. They must hate me. I would hate me too. "Can I get two dozen cheese buns?" I ask. They remind me of Peeta. But they are delicious. One of his brothers - I don't know their names- he hands me a small brown bag.

"That's ten dollars." I give him that, and a few gold coins. He looks at me quizzically, and pushes me back the change.

I shake my head. "You keep it." As I'm walking out I turn around. "And thank you." I pass by my reflection in a store window. I don't look any different from when I did, before my games. Despite the fact I have a little makeup and I finally gained some weight. But it's really nothing that noticeable. Yet, I feel different. I've changed. I'm not sure if I like the person I am. I'm shopping in the markets, instead of at the Hob. I care about clothes and hair. Going through the Games was obviously going to change me, and it did, but I would give anything to go back for a little and realize how nice life was before I had all of this pressure to deal with. I head home, and I hear soft laughter coming from the kitchen. My mother's in the kitchen, chopping up vegetables to put in a soup. She's on the phone with one of her merchant friends, and seems to be enjoying herself. It's been a while since I've seen her happy. She hangs up the phone, and says hi to me.

"Oh, you got bandages? Thank you. I was running low." She smiles at me, and then goes back to chopping. I'm about to walk upstairs to my room, but she stops me. "Come talk to me."

I sit down on one of the stools by the kitchen counter, dropping my bags on the chair next to me. "What's up?"

My mother puts the knife in the sink, and the vegetables in the large pot. She leans on the table counter, giving me her full attention. "Well, I know you're getting older. And a lot has happened this last year. And I know after you father died, I wasn't myself for a while, and I'm sorry for that. But I just want to know that I'm here for you, no matter what. I am your mother. You should be able to talk to me about anything and everything." I smile at her. Even her just saying that she's sorry makes everything so much better between us.

I would like to tell her things. But there's a lot I just can't. Yeah, I'd like to imagine this conversation: _Hey mom, so I'm a prostitute. Against my will. And I can't do anything about it because if I do, you and Prim and everyone'll die._ I'm sure that'll go over well. I reach into my bag, and hand my mom the cheese buns. "Some bread for the soup." I smile at her. "And don't worry. I will."

She puts the bag of cheese buns in one of the glass cabinets. "I'm glad to hear that. Now I know that you have a boyfriend. I still think you're a bit young to be dating, but you've been through a lot, and that's made you mature. I know Finnick's very handsome, but he's a lot older than you. Don't do anything if he's pressuring you or anything of that sorts."

"Oh god." I shake the idea of her knowing anything about our twisted sex life out of my head. "Mom!" I called her mom. I think I like that.

She smiles warmly. "Okay, because for a while he was quite the womanizer… If you decide to do anything, be safe. I don't want him to hurt you. Physically or emotionally."

The odds of that happening are less than the odds of Effie being reaped. I still feel the need to defend him. "He's more than his looks. And the way he acts in front of the cameras isn't how he is when you have a conversation with him. He's funny, and considerate, and is a really good listener. I really care about him."

My mother- no, my mom's lips curve upwards, as if she's laughing at some type of private joke. "Tell me. Are you friends with these mentors?"

"Some of them." Before my games, I didn't really have friends, with the exception of Gale and Madge. And now, I'm friends with a group of killers. We're all pretty strange, but it feels nice to say that I have a group of friends I can talk to, and they can talk to me. They know practically everything about me. It's a pleasant change. "Well, we're sort of a group, because we're all the younger mentors: there's Johanna Mason, you know her, and Haymitch usually sticks around because of her. Finnick, you know as well. Blight, he's Johanna's good friend. Then there's Cashmere and Gloss. They're siblings."

My mother's eyes widen. "Them? I mean they're all- well they're killers. I've watched their years. They all been brutal with no hesitations. Haymitch included. How do you feel safe around them?"

"There's only been seventy-three other people who have experienced what I've been through, and when it's such a small number, you see past things like that. Besides, none of them are in a fight-to-the-death situation anymore."

She shrugs. I can tell she doesn't want me to think that she agrees. It doesn't bother me at all. She's about to say something, but the phone rings. I didn't even think that we would need a phone, but it's been used almost all the time since we've gotten it. My mom picks it up, since she's right by the phone. "Hello? Yes, this is her mother... Oh, alright. I'll put her on." She puts the phone on her chest so whoever is on the line can't hear. "It was some girl. Babbling about needing to talk to Katniss, and then something about selling something. She sounded pretty anxious." I honestly don't know who it could be. I take the phone.

"Hello?"

"Katniss!" I hear the scream, and I know who it has to be. Annie.

"Annie?"

"Yeah. Oh goodness, I'm so glad I had the right number. Nobody is telling me what's going on, and that's really not nice of them. I wish I wasn't left out of these types of things. You know, I really am trust worthy-" she cuts herself off. "Sorry. Anyways, Adrienne says she needs to speak to you." I hear footsteps.

"Katniss?" Adrienne says.

"Yeah. I'm here. Adrienne? Is everything okay?" I ask her, worried.

"Not exactly." Her voice falters, and for a second, I'm worried she's going to cry. "F-Finnick. He-"

"What happened?"

"Well when he got home, everything was a mess. Obviously. But Juliette was screaming some terrible things at him. And then she said that he was two busy sleeping around in the Capitol with all of her friends and not taking care of his sister. And then Finnick punched a hole in a wall, walked upstairs, packed a bag and walked out. Nobody's seen him since."

"What do you mean? He just left?"

"He's been gone for a while. I went to the dock, and he didn't get on a boat. Nobody knows where he is." I tell her I'll let her know if I find out anything, and wish her good luck. I hang up that phone so hard that the receiver shakes.

"Are you okay?" My mother asks.

I shake my head no. "Finnick's gone."


	19. Chapter 19

_Finnick's gone._ My mother looks at me, confused. "Did he break up with you? The girl on the phone didn't sound like him. Oh my god. He's cheating on you, isn't he? That little piece of... I knew he was no good. He's a man wh-"

I groan, and cut her off. "Good to know you think so nicely of my boyfriend. The girl on the phone was his sister. He's missing. He's not just wandering around, and he's not out at sea. Finnick would never cheat on me. Honestly. Give him a chance, would you?"

"Oh." is all she says. Just a second later, the phone rings. I'm about to rip it off the wall, like Haymitch did with his years ago. I never have five minutes without it ringing. I jump to pick it up. It's Madge.

"Katniss." She says. "You need to come over. I have something you need to see." I tell her I'll be there in a minute, and tell my mom where I'm going. I've spent a lot of time with Madge over the past year, mostly because we both have so much spare time on our hands. I sprint through the paved road. When I get to her house, which isn't very far from the victor's village, I'm winded. I haven't ran, or hunted in forever. It feels weird being out of shape. She answers the door, and pulls me into her room before she talks. She throws me one of the Capitol magazines she gets sent to her house. On the front page, is a picture of Finnick kissing a Capitol woman. They're horizonal. It's taken through a bedroom window, and I can tell that it's one of his buyers. "I know that you and him have a thing, Prim was telling me about it."

"That isn't true." I say, dumbfounded. "We didn't break up."

Madge smiles sadly. "I think you two should talk it over. He's really cute, and I'm sure he's a nice guy, but a picture is worth a lot. I don't want you to get hurt. You look pale. Want some water?" She stands up to get me some.

"I'll go with you." We walk downstairs, and Madge pours us some water. I'm contemplating telling her that he didn't cheat on me, and how the pieces all fit together. But Mayor Undersee and someone else are coming downstairs. "Who is that?" I ask. Madge shrugs. When they come down the stairs into the kitchen, I can see who he was talking to. And I'm not that happy. Of course, it's the President. He smiles politely at me and Madge. He kisses both of our cheeks in Capitol fashion. Madge curtseys.

"Hello, Miss Undersee. Miss Everdeen. So nice to see you here. I was just actually… looking for you. I was just on my way out. Would you mind walking with me?" He says it like a question, but it's obvious it's a command. I hug Madge goodbye and shake hands with the Mayor.

He pauses for a moment once we're outside the house, before speaking. "You know, the more you cooperate, the easier this will be. There have been incidents in the past, and I assure you they haven't ended well." I get a sinking feeling in my stomach. As we reach the house, President Snow pulls out a folded piece of paper. "All your appointments for the next month. They will be in District 12." I take the paper and put it in my pocket.

He knocks on the door, and mother answers. "Why, Mr. President. Please come in. Would you like anything to eat or drink?"

"No, thank you. I was just walking Miss Everdeen home. It's getting quite dark out." He smiles at her, charmingly and then turns to me. "We will be in touch, Miss Everdeen. Remember, the world will be watching." I nod, unable to form words. "Oh, and send my regards to Mister Odair?" A peacekeeper comes to escort him out.

"What was that about?" My mother asks. I ignore her.

"What did he mean by sending his regards to Finnick?" Gale asks me. I didn't even see him behind me. I point to upstairs, and he follows me to my room. Prim is doing her homework in the study. I guess she didn't need Gale anymore, and he was on his way home. When I'm sure nobody else is around, I toss him the magazine Madge gave me, with Finnick and the pink-skinned girl on the front cover. When Gale sees it, he clenches his fists so hard his knuckles turn white. "That little- I'm gonna beat the crap out of him. He can't do that to you..."

I run a hand through my knotted hair. "That's one of Finnick's buyers. He didn't cheat on me. Snow had this published, and Finnick's been missing ever since." I drag him out of the house, and next door. Haymitch and Johanna are playing cards. "Take out the good stuff, Haymitch."

Johanna raises her eyebrows. "What, do we have a new member of the whore crew?"

"That... no. I hope not. God. Well I guess we don't no for sure." I answer, shaking my head. I take a sip of whatever Johanna passed me. It's strong, and my eyes water from it. I hold it out to Gale. "Ever had vodka?"

Gale takes a small sip and wrinkles her nose in disgust. "That's disgusting. You guys like drinking this crap? It burns your throat like something poisonous."

Haymitch guffaws. "Nobody drinks it for the taste, they drink it because it gets you drunk. And it's supposed to do that." He states it like its the most obvious thing in the world. I take the bottle from Gale and chug a quarter of it, ignoring the sheer pain it brings. Johanna and Haymitch look at me, stunned. "What's gotten into you?"

I wipe my mouth on the back of my hand. "My relationship got fucked up by a psychotic president and now Finnick's missing." Johanna takes a deep breath.

"You don't know where he is?" She asks, her voice eerily calm. It sounds more like a statement than a question, to tell the truth. I shake my head, no. "Well that's shitty."

"Katniss, don't you have somewhere to be tonight?" Haymitch reminds me. I have an appointment in a little less than an hour. Shit. I stand up quickly, but lose my balance. The liquors getting to me.

"I'll see you two later. I gotta go fuck some random guy. Because now I'm a _single lady_." Am I drunk? I sound like it. Gale walks me back to the house, and luckily we don't run into my mother or Prim. They went to help a small child, who's come down with a really bad cold. "Don't do anything stupid." Gale warns me. He gives me a hug, and kisses my forehead. The gesture reminds me of something a parent or older sibling would do. Maybe I can pretend he doesn't have feelings for me that I'll never be able to reciprocate.

I pick out a short red dress and flat shoes- District 12 isn't paved like the Capitol, and I don't have a driver. She does my eye makeup while I curl my hair. According to the clock, I have twenty minutes to get a few doors down. They use the unoccupied victor's village homes for these type of meetings. I touch up my lipstick, and throw on a wool coat. I'm walking out, when I'm stopped by my mother, and Prim.

"Where are you going?" She asks me.

I groan. Prim says hello, and jolts upstairs. She probably can tell this won't end nicely. "I don't want to lie to you. So I'm not going to answer that." I'm halfway out the door, but my mother grabs my arm. I can tell she wants a real explanation.

"You're going to tell me." She demands. I can't tell her.

"In Panem you're considered an adult at sixteen. I'm seventeen, I can make my own choices. And I don't need your consent to do so." I realize how icy I sound, and feel bad. She's just being a mother. "I'll tell you when I'm ready." I slam the door behind me. I pull my jacket over my body tightly. It's almost autumn now, and it's getting fairly chilly at night. I make my way to the address on the piece of paper Snow gave me, sticking to the dimly-lit path. While I'd choose District 12 over the Capitol any day, I do enjoy being driven anywhere. Also when I'm in the Capitol, people aren't scared of me. They treat me like some type of celebrity. I get to the house of the man, and knock on the door.

As soon as he rolls off of me, I stand up, and put my dress back on. I take a quick look at my appearance, and make sure I look alright. I throw on my jacket and graciously accept a secret from him about the president's daughter. I walk the short distance home and into the house, ignoring my mother waiting for me. I throw my clothes in the laundry basket, and climb into the shower. As usual, the hot water is soothing, and calms me down. But I don't cry. I don't think I can cry anymore. I just feel hollow inside. I change into one of Finnick's shirts and a pair of sweatpants, and head downstairs to talk to my mother. "Alright. Say whatever you want to. My ears are open." I tell her.

My mother sighs, beginning. I can tell she's chosen her words very carefully. "I'm worried about you. You go off to God-knows-where late at night and half-drunk, and then come back and act like everything's normal. Nothing's normal. You're not okay."

"The first guy I ever liked is dead, everyone in this district is terrified of me, my boyfriend is missing, and the press won't leave me alone. Of course I'm not okay!" I feel bad for yelling at her, but that's quickly replaced with apathy. "And on top of that, there's a freaking Quarter Quell coming up. You have no right to tell me what I can and can't do, when you have no idea what I'm going through." I storm into my room, and slam the door. I lay in bed, dreading for when sleep will find me. Sleeping is the only way to escape from my life for a while, but it brings nightmares, which bring back terrible memories. I'm trapped wherever I go.

Sadly, I fall asleep very quickly. I dream of Finnick's death, or rather, that they find his body outside of District Eight. Annie's sobbing, and Johanna's solemn. Adrienne won't leave her room. I wake up, screaming for him. Prim rushes in the room. She shakes me until I wake up. She asks me eyes wide, "Are you alright?"

I nod. "Yeah, I'm fine. It was just a nightmare. Did I wake you? You should go back to sleep."

"I don't think I can fall back asleep…" Prim mutters. She ties her hair up into a bun.

"You can stay with me." I tell her. We try to fall back asleep. There's no way I can - between not being able to forget the people I killed, Peeta included, not knowing where Finnick is, and knowing that the lives of all the people I care about are on the line based on how well I can sleep with sleazy men - it's almost not even worth trying.

I wake up to the sound of someone banging the door outside. I was having nightmares, but they weren't able to wake me up. Sometimes I'm just trapped in them, until they play out. My room is closest the door, so there's no way anyone else can hear it. It must be around six in the morning. Prim's in the shower, I hear the water running. She has school. I tiptoe downstairs, and open the door. I'm surprised at who I see. Finnick's holding a few bags of stuff. He's wrapped in a jacket, and looks like he hasn't showered or slept in days. He's still better looking than most guys. "Finnick!" I make some combination of a noise between a squeal and a sob, and wrap my arms around him. I pull him to the wall, and his lips are on mine. The whole world seems to melt away, and its just him and I. I think I hear someone walking around, but I don't bother to look. "What- what's going on? What happened?" I turn around and see Prim.

"Hello." She grins. "I'll leave you two alone…"

"Hi Prim." Finnick grins at her. She blushes, and runs off. He sits me down at the table, and holds my hand. "Juliette is psychotic. We all knew it, but she totally lost it when I got home. I wasn't expecting smiles and happy family time when I got home, but they could have at least been sympathetic. Dad and Adrienne weren't a problem. They knew I couldn't control some things. But Juliette went crazy - she said that all of her friends were boasting about how they heard who I was sleeping with. Without knowing the real story. She basically called me out on sleeping around when I should have been protecting her daughter. I was planning on staying with Annie for a while. And then, I see the article. I knew she was behind it. Or had something to do with it. So I needed to get away. I took a small train here. How is everyone?"

"Johanna moved in with Haymitch. Our favorite President stopped by. Gale's future is unsure of." I tell him. Finnick nods, understandingly.

"That shirt looks familiar." Finnick grins at me. I'm so happy to know he's safe. "Now something more important. I need a shower. And a nap."

"Later I need to Annie and Adrienne. About that shower..." I say, dragging Finnick into the bathroom. The steam is calming. Feeling the hot water beat down on my back is nice. Seeing Finnick naked is nicer. He puts his hand on the back of my neck, and pushes me up against the tiled wall. My hands get tangled in his golden-bronze hair. We just hold each other close like that for a while, saying nothing. There isn't anything to say. Being is so much more tolerable around him. "You know," I tell him, "I think I'm in love with you."

A smile plays on Finnick's lips. "You think? Katniss Everdeen, I know I'm in love with you." I don't know what to say, so I opt for saying nothing at all. My lips find his, and I kiss him like I haven't ever before. I've never been reserved around him when it comes to doing anything. But this kiss is so overwhelmingly powerful. All of the emotions we feel are getting put into this. I put legs around his waist, and he thrusts into me. I've never really thought about shower sex. But hopefully my mother and Prim can't hear us. That would be interesting. And not in a good way. "Guess you really missed me." He grins, kissing my neck, sucking on my pulse point. I rake my nails down his back, so hard I might draw blood. That isn't even a concern right now.

"I did. A lot." I tell Finnick. I try to stifle a loud moan by kissing him again. It doesn't work as well as I'd hope. I fall undone in his arms. What seems like an eternity later, I stand up, leaning against the shower wall. My legs feel like jelly. "I'm ready for a nap." I tell him. I shut off the water, and we dry ourselves off. I comb through my hair and put on the shirt he was wearing. I think I'm going to start a collection of his clothes. 

He kisses my forehead, and then picks me up. "I think I'm gonna carry you to bed." I giggle as he picks me up, and carries my down the hall. It's a pretty long walk to the school from the Victor's village, so Prim must have just left. My mother is still asleep. He drops me on the bed, and turns off the lamp by the bed. "I love sleeping with you." Finnick yawns. "In both ways." I curl closer to him, letting him wrap his arms around my waist. I sleep a lot better when he's there.

"You're not too bad yourself." I say, grinning. "Finn?"

"Yeah?" Finn responds.

I put my head on his chest, and pull the soft blanket up to my chin. "I really missed you. A lot."

"I missed you too. But I'm here now." Finnick tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. I have a feeling that maybe, for once, things are going to be alright. Maybe I'll get through this, and things will get better. I just need to take it one day at a time.

I wake up to bright sunlight coming in through the window. The first thing I register is how warm and fuzzy I feel in Finnick's arms. I feel safe. I'm really happy he's okay. I shift a little, and I feel him stir. "Morning again." He smiles at me, half-asleep. His arms wrap tighter around me. I kiss him and slide out of bed reluctantly.  
"I need to call Annie and Adrienne. I'll be right back." I tiptoe down the hall. I see my mother. She looks me up and down, and shakes her head, disapprovingly. "Finn's okay." I tell her, smiling. My mother gives a small smile back, and I go to the phone. I dial Annie first. When I tell her, she sounds relieved. Adrienne cries a little, saying how glad she is that Finn's safe. She asks if I'll have him call to talk to her, and and I tell her I'll have Finnick do that when he wakes up. On my way back upstairs, Prim stops me. It must be the afternoon already since she's home from school. Her amused smile worries me. She pulls me down the hallway, out of the kitchen where our mother is. She leans against the wall, smiling the way Rue did when she asked about Peeta and I. I know this is going to be an interesting conversation.


	20. Chapter 20

"Did you have fun earlier this morning?" Prim asks, smirking. _Shit._ She must have heard. As if she can read my mind, Prim responds, "Just keep it down a little, kay?. I don't want to know you that well. You look exhausted. Why don't you try actually sleeping?" I roll my eyes, and walk into the kitchen. Why is the fact that we have sex so frowned upon? It's common knowledge. Anyone would be stupid to not have sex with Finnick Odair if they could. And I'm dating him. But not just for his looks. I genuinely like him. I've never felt that way about anyone before. It's a different and unknown feeling, being in love, if that what's you could call it. But it's not unwelcome. Our relationship is so much more than physical. We really understand each other, and what the other is going through.

I boil some water and heat up some mint tea. I need to calm my mind. I feel panicky. The palms of my hands are sweaty. I remember why. At two o'clock is Alyssa's funeral. When the body is in good condition, it's sent home in a casket. We only really have one makeshift graveyard in District 12. I decide to put on a plain, dull, shirt and green pants. I braid my hair down my back, and don't put on makeup. I put my father's brown hunting jacket and tell Finnick where I'm going. While implying that he shouldn't come. Gale decides to join me as well. We have to walk past school to get to the cemetery, if that's what you could even call it. It hurts to walk past the school and see the kids playing in the yard. I could end up being the mentor to any of them.

I'm honestly surprised at the turnout. I recognize her brother and parents from the interview, as well as Peeta's family. Apparently they were neighbors to Alyssa. Out of everyone, I'm most surprised to see Haymitch, and his flask, have made an appearance. I try hard to ignore the loud whispers and cold, hard stares as Gale and I make my way through the crowd. The Seam woman who runs the graveyard - what a terrible job to have- talks about Alyssa, her life, how much courage she had and how much she'll be missed by all. Then she asks everyone who isn't a close friend or family member to make way so we can say our final goodbyes. Most of the crowd parts, and we all form a line: Alyssa's brother goes first. He looks peaceful, calm. As if he's alright with his sister's fate. I can't bear to watch. By the time it's Gale's turn, I feel like curling up in a ball and sobbing. All eyes are on him.  
He stands next to Alyssa's lifeless body and squeezes her pale hand. "I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. All of this. You shouldn't have died. You should have gone home, not me. You have so much to live for… I wish I could have saved you." The full impact of everything hits me, and my knees buckle in. Haymitch has to grab my arm to keep me steady, and away from the crowd. He sits me down at a bench, and tries to calm me down. It won't work. I am inconsolable. I don't know how to keep doing this, year after year.

The next few months fly by in a blur. I divide my time between teaching Rory how to hunt on the weekends, sleeping with Capitol men and Finnick, and trying to just get by. I don't even know it's the victory tour, until Finnick wakes me up. "I gotta go next door. The press will be here in half an hour. They think we're broken up." He kisses me lightly and treads across the the thin coat of snow between the houses. I barely manage to get myself dressed when Effie's busted through the doors, with Portia and the prep team following behind.

"Hello, Katniss." Effie embraces me, and kisses me on the cheek - the common Capitol greeting. Portia hugs me, and the prep team squeals. "Everyone get to their places. We're on a schedule people!" I do my own makeup and hair, and pack my two bags to the brim with makeup, shoes, dresses, and too much clothing. I say goodbye to my mother and Prim. My mother gives me a list of some Capitol remedies she wants me to pick up, and Prim asks me to bring her a new dress, and a couple books and movies. I wrap my jacket tightly around my torso, and go next door to where Haymitch and Johanna live. Gale is being made over, which is still a lot of work even though he's a boy. Haymitch is actually awake and somewhat together. The best thing about Johanna is that she doesn't put up with any type of crap, so she always keeps him in check and makes sure he's not a total drunken slob all of the time. Johanna, Haymitch, Finnick and I are escorted into the side of the train. We watch Gale's entrance from there.

In less than an hour he's been transformed. The bags under his eyes from losing sleep are long gone, his facial hair is gone, and his complexion is smooth and almost shiny. His messy brown hair is more styled than mine. Gale puts on a huge smile for the camera, and carefully walks to the train, conveniently feet away. We're on the way to make the other district rip open their scabs, and feel the pain of the loss of their tributes. It's cruel, but it was the Capitol's idea, so it's hardly a shock. Gale finally exhales as soon as he's in the lounge car with the other mentors and I. "Geez. I hate the press."

Finn and I chuckle. "Tell me about it." he sighs, putting his arm around me. I lean into his arms. I never know when the next time we'll be able to be close again is, so I try to savor every moment of it. Effie comes into the car, and we instantly separate. She looks at him and mutters something about being impolite.

"My prep team wouldn't shut up about your 'cheating scandal'." Gale says to Finnick and I, using air quotes. "It's been the center of celebrity news for so long. They say it's good you're single so that way you two can play the field or something like that. It's such bullshit. Why do they even care?" Johanna and Haymitch burst out laughing. "What!?" Gale asks defensively.

"You are like the male Johanna. It's crazy." Haymitch explains.

"That's a good thing. I think." Gale muses. "Wait, so I have a question. About mentoring and what not-"

"Yes, you should fuck Cashmere and get over it." Johanna rolls her eyes. Gale's face turns dark red with embarrassment. Finn laughs. Haymitch just looks amused. "What? It's all common knowledge. You want her. She wants you. We can all be known as the 'fucked-up mentors with older boy-and-girlfriends'."

"All we need is somebody for Gloss and Blight…" I point out, jokingly.

Gale sits down on the couch on the other side of me. He leans back, exhaling. "So what do you do for fun? And what am I supposed to do all day?"

"We drink." Haymitch deadpans. Johanna nods in agreement.

"Thats healthy." Gale retorts. "But seriously."

Now for the rest of what Gale asked. That's a real mentoring question. And one I can answer. "When you're not selling your body? Well, victors are supposed to pick up a talent. Since we don't have to go to school or work in our district's industry. Mine is singing." Singing was an easy choice for me - I know how to sing already, so it doesn't require any more work. There was a long list to choose from.

"I did poetry." Finnick adds. I raise an eyebrow at him, amused. I wasn't expecting that. He feels the need to defend himself, knowing that there's no way I believe him. "Seriously!"

"What do you think you'll do?" I ask Gale. He just shrugs.

Gale does well on his victory tour. He makes her apology speech in 7, since he killed a tribute from there. We don't stay as long in 7 as Johanna would have liked. We do get to see Blight, so that's nice. I really enjoy his company. He's funny but quiet. Johanna gets off the train in 7 - she's pretty homesick. I don't look forward to reaching District 4. But it happens quickly enough. I wear bold black eyeliner and an aqua dress that matches the color of the sea. Gale makes a touching speech about how Dahlia was a true friend, and while their alliance was short, it was very meaningful, and that he's terribly sorry for the district's loss. That night, Haymitch, Finnick, Gale and I decide to go to Annie's house for dinner. She squeals when she sees Finn, and hugs him, crying. She asks if the rumors are true about him, and he says no. She hugs me next, and then Haymitch. Annie turns to Gale and introduces herself. "I'm Annie. I won four years ago. I'm twenty-one." She hugs an uncomfortable Gale. I know that he's heard the stories of Annie Cresta, _and don't be that girl_ I just hope that he doesn't believe them.

Annie made a meal with Adrienne and Finnick's dad. They both look so happy to see him, it hurts my heart a little. My mother and Prim care about me, but seeing how close the Odair family is, we pale in comparison. Dinner goes nicely. And everyone is kind and forgiving to Gale. I can tell he really appreciates it. He must have been dreading this more than I have. Halfway throughout the evening, I'm clearing dishes with Adrienne when Juliette comes busting in. She comes up to me, and pulls me by the front of my dress. She's not that strong, but I'm still caught off guard. "Your cousin killed my daughter, and you broke my son's heart. What is your problem? Are you jealous of me or something?" Well she cuts straight to the point. But jealous? Only Capitol citizens would think that way. I don't have time to respond though, because Finnick interjects.

"I'm not your son." Finn says, his words cold and full of hatred. The temperature of the room drops. I suddenly wish I had a jacket to wear. "And she didn't break my heart. We were having a nice dinner before you interrupted. I was the one who ruined things between us. It would be… smart of you to leave before we get really angry. This table has four - no, _six_ killers, and we're holding the knives here." Finnick scares me, even though his threats are just that. He wouldn't actually hurt her… or would he? I avert my gaze, looking down.

"You are an Odair. You disgrace this family's name by dating that girl… she's from district twelve! I could get you a ]Capitol girlfriend. They're lovely and polite." Juliette says. I clench my fists under the table.

"I've had plenty of those." Finnick mutters. I swallow hard. I meet Haymitch's eyes. He's half-drunk, but sobers up instantly and Finnick's comment. It would be funny, under other circumstances. I look over at Annie. She's brought her knees to her chest, and has her hands over her ears. I've only seen her do that once before. It's kind of scary, watching someone so happy and energetic just go into a different world. I put my hand on her shoulder supportively.

Annie manages to calm down, and snap out of it by herself. She glares at Juliette. "Please leave. You're not welcome here." The words are cold, but she says it with such a kind tone, nobody could ever be mad at her. Gale looks down. I can tell he feels out of place. This is a pretty awkward situation I did too, last year. Juliette is so stunned (and overdramatic about being offended) that she just turns on her heel, and slams the door behind her.

"I'm sorry you had to be a part of that. She knows how to hit me where it hurts." Finnick apologizes for Juliette, his words sincere. Having bad parents is almost as bad as having no parents at all. I reach my hand out to squeeze his supportively, but I quickly bring it back to my side. I suddenly realize we have to go along with being broken up. To protect ourselves, and our loved ones, we have to lie to their faces. It must be harder for Finn. Instead of just telling half-truths, he has to blatantly lie to his sister, father and Annie. I need to make it as easy as possible for him.

"It's fine." I give him a small, polite smile. I change the subject. "This fish was delicious." I tell Annie.

"Don't look at me- Adrienne made it. It really is fantastic." Annie says, smiling at me.

Adrienne shrugs modestly. She answers nonchalantly, "Oh it really was nothing. I've been cooking fish since forever." The next course of dinner goes well, though the room seems colder since Juliette showed up. After we're done, I take some of the plates and bring them to the kitchen to help clean up again. Adrienne pulls me aside, saying it's her dad's turn to do dishes. She sits me down in the deserted study. While do all talks happen in offices? "Look. After Finn's games, he was a different person. Being in the Hunger Games will obviously change a person- that's a no-brainer. The first few months were terrible - he'd get nightmares, and would just seem tired all the time. Not as in sleepy, but as in sick. Of life. Then, he seemed more alive. He went to Capitol parties and was seen with rich women. After Annie was reaped, everything went downhill. He was a dead man walking - he still did things, but didn't take interest in anything. The hardest thing for him was getting out of bed in the morning. Then, you came along. After your games, he seemed like himself again. Finn seemed happy. And then this whole cheating scandal. I think I hate him more for that than you do. But just know, Finn's a good guy. He just has been through too much."

I want to hug her, or at the least tell her the rumors are made up. But I can't. "I know. No matter what happens- and what has already happened - Finn's my good friend, and I plan to keep it that way." She hugs me, and I realize I've never felt that bad about lying. Until now. I suck it up, and in a few minutes, Effie rushes to the door, her gold hair out of place, and cheeks flushed from what I assume was running. Haymitch, Finn, Gale and I are rushed onto the train, and towards District Three. Without a second thought, I make my way to the bar car. "A shot of vodka. Please." I tell the Capitol attendant, letting down my hair from the tight bun it was in.

"Make that two." I hear someone say behind me. It's Gale. I shake my head disapprovingly. "What?" He asks.

"Don't do that." I turn to the attendant, who was too preoccupied watching us bicker that she didn't make any drinks. "Can we get two cranberry with vodkas instead?" She nods, and pours them effortlessly. I pass Gale his cup tentatively. "You've been through a lot of shit - and that's just the beginning. Don't overdo it." Gale nods, and takes a sip. He almost spits it out.

"That's disgusting! You guys drink this crap?" Gale looks at me, astonished.

I laugh, and shake my head, smiling. "Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. You drink it because it gets you drunk. That's called vodka. It's Johanna's favorite."

"That makes sense." He agrees jokingly. "I doubt she would drink something like. What does Haymitch drink?"

"The better question is what doesn't Haymitch drink?" I point out. We both laugh.

Two or three drinks later, I feel hands wrap around my waist. "Hey there, ex girlfriend." Finnick whispers in my ear. I giggle, and turn around to kiss him. Gale fakes a gagging noise.

"Aren't you two broken up?" Gale asks, sounding confrontational. He raises his eyebrows and crosses his arms.

"Aren't you her cousin?" Finnick retorts instantaneously.

"No. I'm not." Gale answers. I sit down on a chair.

"Well we're still together. Katniss is my girlfriend. Look," Finnick sighs and runs a hand through his bronze hair. "I don't have anything against you. We're all on the same team here. I know, I know, you have feelings for Katniss. We all know. She knows. But she is with me. Keep your hands to yourself." Finnick sounds different. He sounds defensive.

"Is that a threat?" Gale asks pointedly. He's pushing it.

Before Finnick answers, I intercept. "Guys. Stop it. Please. Gale, I know how you feel, but you're my 'cousin' in the eyes of the media. If we were together, we wouldn't even be able to hold hands in public. I know how you feel about Finn, but I really care about him. If you really cared about me, you wouldn't mess this up." I turn to Finn, "Can you two try to get along?" Finnick sticks his hand out, and Gale shakes it with his.

"What are you two drinking?" Finn asks, sitting next to me. The only thing I can control in my life is my relationships with others, to some extent. It would mean so much if Gale and Finn could at least be civil around each other.

 

District Three is alright, but District Two is terrible. Gale killed Marcus, and I killed Cato, and got Clove killed. The mayor is polite and hospitable, but I can tell the crowd hates us behind their cheers. They chant Gale's name, but I feel the tension in the air. I feel bad for Cato and Marcus' parents. They stand on the side of the stage. The mother has long blonde hair and is holding a toddler girl who's crying. Their father just looks down, with his hands in the pockets of his pants. I stay out of sight while Gale's on stage. The dinner at the mayor's house is ridiculous. There's at least two hundred people there, and press from the Capitol. I wear a floor length silver dress, and Gale and Haymitch both wear suits. I get interviewed by a Capitol reporter, who won't stop asking me about Finnick. Finally, I snap. "We're not dating!" I storm off into the bathroom. It probably looks good for the press, but that's not my motivation. I'm just tired of answering the same questions over and over. Haymitch passes out drunk, and we have to leave early to get him on the train. Not that I mind.

I'm excited to get to District One. They're the nicest to other victors, and I get to see Cashmere and Gloss. I try to find Finnick's car, but Effie sees me about to knock on the door. "Really Katniss?" I shoot her a look, asking what? She brings me into the lounge car and sits me down. "You deserve so much better than Finnick Odair. You're a celebrity! All of Panem loves you, and you're so pretty you could any guy you wanted. Don't choose him. He'll just leave you when the next one comes around." Effie tells me. I thank her for her advice, and ignore it, slipping into Finnick's room once Effie was out of view.

"Hey," Finn smiles at me, kissing me. "I hated not sitting next to you at dinner."

"Me too." I say, talking off my clothes. He raises an eyebrow and me, and grins. "What? I don't wanna sleep in that."

"You know you just wanted me to see you mostly naked." Finn winks at me. We both laugh. He tickles my side and I shriek, covering my mouth. Gale and Haymitch come running in.

"Is everything okay, I heard a scream-" Gale cuts himself off mid-sentence when he sees I'm only in my underclothes, and Finnick is shirtless. "Oh. Um… this is awkward."

"Hey Finnick." Haymitch grins. He must have sobered up, and he seems awake. "Remember that time when you and Jo-"

"Okay. Bye Haymitch." Finnick glares at him, but he's not mad at him. "Where were we?" He asks me, turning to kiss me. I grab a fistful of his soft hair by the back of his neck. I think I hear Gale make a gagging noise.

I pull away from Finn, frowning. "Gale?" I ask him. Why is he still here?

"Katniss. You shouldn't have sex with him." Gale tells me, eerily calm. I laugh loudly.

"You know I'm a prostitute right? And he's my boyfriend."

"He's 25 years old." Gale crosses his arms.

"24, actually." Finn says. He hands me one of his shirts, and I throw it on. "Jeez, what is your problem?"

"You are." Gale says pointedly. "I don't like you." I groan. Not this. Again.

"Gale. We're going." I tell him, and then turn to Finnick. "I'll see you later, okay?" I kiss him quickly and drag Gale out of there. Once we're in the hallway, I cross my arms, and glare at him. He's at least a foot taller than me, so I can't really be intimidating, but I try. "What the hell?"

"Katniss. Sex should matter. With your situation, a lot of people don't really count it. You should wait to have it with someone you really care about." Gale says, sounding overly condescending.

"A little too late." I sneer. I realize how mean I sound, and I soften my expression a bit. "Ever since I've won, you've been so weird to me. One minute you're calling me a slut and want nothing to do with me, and the next you're being overly protective for no reason. What is going on with you? You're so hot-and-cold. I don't know what to make of it."

Gale leans on the wall. He sighs, opening up. "Look, ever since your Games, when I saw you with that boy Peeta, I just… It was always you and me, and as soon as you were reaped, it wasn't. I thought it was always gonna be us. And you didn't choose me. Ever."

I shake my head. "I'm no good for you. Gale, just find someone who's right for you. I know you hate Career districts, but Cashmere is really sweet. You two have a lot in common, and I saw how you looked at her. You're my best friend, and you always will be. But that's all we're going to be. It's all we _can_ be."

"What do you think would've happened if neither of us were reaped?" He asks me.

"Does it even matter? We can't change the past." I kiss him on the cheek. "Let go, Gale."

Gale nods solemnly, and then laughs. Its one of those manic laughs that really is terrifying. He's wasted. I sit him down on the couch, and take a seat next to him. "What happened to us? We used to be... _normal_. Well, normal-ish. Now we're terrible. "

"Gale. We were never normal. We were criminals since we hit puberty, and now, we're celebrities. But everything we've ever done, every choice from what you ate for dinner to me sleeping around in the Capitol, it's for taking care of who we love. And that's nothing terrible; it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Do you love _him_?"

I sigh, "I don't even know. I don't like that word. It has... a lot of weight to it."

"You do. I see it in your eyes, and the way you two look at each other." Gale pauses before continuing, "it's okay. You deserve each other. And I mean that in the best way. If you're happy, I'm happy for you, Catnip."

I smile a genuine smile for the longest time in a while. I let my eyes close, resting my head on his shoulder. It seems natural when we both drift off to sleep.


	21. Chapter 21

Finnick comes down the hallway a few minutes later, and shakes me lightly to wake me up. I groan, and he walks me to my room, and closes the door behind himself. "Who do I need to kill… What did he say to you?"

"The truth." I mumble. "Look, the last thing I need is for my best friend and my boyfriend to hate each other. Just come here." I stand up, and he hugs me tightly. I feel safer in his arms. "Lets just go to sleep, alright?" Finn nods in agreement. He turns off the light and crawls into bed with me.

Breakfast the next morning is awkward. Effie tries making conversation, but Gale won't reciprocate and Haymitch is hung over. I try to talk to Effie. Fashion is a safe topic. "So, Effie. What do you think of that red and black striped number that everyone is buying?"

Effie shakes her head. "I think it's atrocious. The fabric is so cheap looking, and everyone still pays for it. And if everyone has the same dress, then the whole purpose of fashion is lost. The point of fashion is to express yourself and be original!" She seems to be getting worked up.

Portia nods in agreement. "Exactly. I couldn't agree more." Soon enough, we're in District One, and everyone is relieved this is the last district we have to go to before the Capitol, and then home. Gale gives the same speech he's given ten times before, and the Mayor gives a plaque, some children give him flowers. We go back to Cashmere and Gloss' house to get ready since we have four hours before we need to go to the dinner. Sometimes I forget they're siblings, so they live together. I wonder how traumatizing it was for their parents to have both their children in the Games, back-to-back.

Cashmere greets us at the door, pulling me in to give me a hug and brush her lips against my cheek. "Come in! It's freezing out." She pulls all of us into the main room. "Mother, dad. You know Haymitch and Finnick. This is Katniss Everdeen, and her cousin, Gale." A tall man, who looks like an older Gloss, shakes both of our hands and gives us a polite smile.

A tall woman, with ice-blonde hair that's short and curly shakes my hand and does the same to Gale. She smiles at me, her deep red lipstick a little to dark for her pale skin. "It's lovely to meet you two. We've heard all about the cheating scandal. The press makes up the craziest things!" She laughs, then turns to Finnick. "Oh, hun. You look like you've lost weight. You need to eat more! Good to see you're well, Haymitch." She looks like she's about to say more, but the telephone rings. Theirs is much more modern than mine. "Oh. The Mayor has an important last-minute conference tonight, so your dinner is being rescheduled for tomorrow. You're all welcome to stay here. Sleeping on that train is _so_ uncomfortable." Haymitch, and Gloss and Cashmere's parents go into the kitchen to talk about something or another, so the five of us go into the living room.

Gloss gives me a bear hug, and picks me up. "We missed you. Cash over here wouldn't shut up about some of your dresses." He turns to Finn and does some weird handshake with him, and gives Gale what he calls a "bro hug".

We all sit down, and talk about things. The tour, the cheating "scandal" and my favorite - the Quell. It's going to be announced after Gale's victory celebration back home. I'm terrified. What kind of horrors will the Gamemakers bring, on top of having the Games in the first place. Usually, the worst part of the Quell is something in the reaping, not in the actual arena. I wonder how bad it would have been to been voted to be in the Games by your district. In the Careers, it must have been an honor or exciting. But in the other districts, it must have sucked. A lot. I try not to think about it. "So, Cashmere. How's your love life?" Finnick asks. I'm not sure what he's getting at.

"It's nonexistent." She laughs, pushing her long hair behind her back. "There's this one guy who's pretty cute, I guess."

Gloss slams his can of beer on the table. "Could you two just make out already?" Everyone looks at him, confused. Gloss puts his hands up in the air, giving up.

"Cash, Gale. You've been ogling each other for God-knows how long. Do us all a favor and hook up. Go." He says, rolling his eyes. I really like Gloss. He's just a funny guy. Gale awkwardly kisses Cashmere, and Gloss cheers. Cashmere stands up, and drags him to some room. "Gale has no idea what he just got himself into."

Finn laughs, and puts his arm around me, kissing me passionately, but quickly. "Well that worked out pretty well."

"Could you two stop eye-fucking?" Gloss sighs.

"No. They can't." Haymitch comes over, bringing Cashmere and Gloss' parents. They sit down on the chairs, wine glasses in hands. "Seriously. It's ridiculous."

I scrunch my nose up at him. "Hypocrite." I say.

"So," Gloss and Cashmere's dad asks me, "What's District 12 like? I've never been, and I've always been curious about it. Haymitch isn't very good at describing it." Haymitch laughs.

"Well, it's pretty cold, and very small. We're the smallest district, actually. There's about two or three thousand people, so I know pretty much everyone. Most of the adults work in the Coal mines, but there's other jobs and lots of shop-keepers." I explain.

"Well we'll have to visit." Their mother adds. A timer goes off in the kitchen. "I made duck in orange sauce. Dinner should be ready in an hour or so. I better check." She excuses herself.

"How's Jo?" Gloss asks Haymitch.

"Homesick. She's back in 7 now." Haymitch sighs. He misses her. I think it's cute in a weird way. I never pictured the two of them together, but now it seems so perfect.

Gale and Cashmere come back into the room a while later. Cashmere's hair is all mussed up, and Gale has a bit of pink lip gloss on his lips. Gloss laughs and fist-bumps Gale, who wipes his mouth on a napkin. He sits down next to me. "You were right, by the way. Last night I mean. Thanks. And sorry." I give him a small smile. I really would like to have things go back to normal with Gale.

I decide I like District One. They have the most variety in profession - some of them make wine, others mine diamonds, and some make silk and furs. They act formal, and dress like a toned-down Capitol, but they seem pretty down to earth. I wonder how the Career academy all the children train at is like. A part of me doesn't even want to know. It could be terrifying. Then again, anything related to the Games is pretty terrifying. I fidget with the halter strap on my deep purple dress. It's tight all the way to the bottom of the dress which hugs the tops of my knees.

Cashmere and Gloss' mother- who's name I learn is Emerald - makes the most delicious food I think I've ever had outside the Capitol. She says she wanted to be a chef when she was younger. Emerald is sweet, but seems like she can be harsh when she needs to be. I also can tell she's very intuitive. I wonder if she knows about Cashmere and Gloss' jobs. After the lovely dinner she made, we all help clean up, and Cashmere invites me to play cards. We play on a team against Finn and Gloss. Gale doesn't know the game, so he just watches. Cashmere and I win. Emerald, her husband, and Haymitch go out to the closest winery for drinks, and Gloss breaks out the vodka. We play a game called 'Never Have I Ever', which Finn saw on a Capitol television show a few weeks ago. The person who starts says something they've never done or had, and if you've done it, you have to drink a shot. Gloss goes first. "Um, never have I ever had sex with a dude." Cashmere and I drink a shot, and Finnick knocks one back. Cashmere and I shoot each other a look. I raise an eyebrow at Finnick, but he shakes his head. Gloss looks amused. Gale goes next.

"Wait it can be anything, right?" He asks. I nod. "Um. I have a good one. Never have I ever had sex." I almost spit out my drink.

"Not fair." I say. "Wait, didn't you tell Haymitch about the time where you-"

"I kinda said that to make you jealous." Gale blushes a little. "But yeah, I made that up."

"That needs to be changed." Cashmere looks appalled.

"This is kind of dumb." Gloss points out the obvious, "I mean there's not much we haven't done. We're whores." He says it so casually, I don't know how I feel about it. Finn puts his arm around me, and I lay my head on his chest. "We could just all go around and list something about ourselves. Its the same, but less stupid."

"Works for me." I shrug. There's always more to learn about people. "My first kiss was broadcasted on national television."

"In the cave?" Cashmere asks. "With the boy? No way. Alright. My turn I guess. Um, lets see. "I've never been in a relationship that has lasted more than a month."

"That's cause you're a player!" Gloss jokes. We all know the real reason why, Gloss included, but we're smart enough to not bring that up. Not here.

"Seriously?" Gale asks, astonished. He doesn't believe Cashmere for a second. "But you're gorgeous…" We all go quiet as we realize what he said. Cashmere blushes.

"You're not too bad yourself, Hawthorne." Cashmere responds playfully. I grin, seeing that they're getting along well.

 

I sit with Gale in the glass-ceiling car of the train as we pull into the Capitol. He's seeing it from a new perspective now. He's loved there, and while he has reason to be scared, it's much less scary than when he was on this train six months ago, waiting to face his imminent death. Now, he's being celebrated. I should be happy for him, but I'm honestly terrified. We stay in the Capitol for a few days, have our celebration in 12, and then the Quell is announced a few days later. I have no idea what it could be, and that in itself is probably almost as scary as what it will be. Not being sure makes me question, and I always cause problems when I over think things. "Wow." Gale whispers, as we round the familiar turn into the Capitol. "It's amazing what they can build."

He's right too. I hate the Capitol with a burning passion, but their architectural designs are fantastic. Effie is interested in buildings and structures, so she talked my ear off a few times about certain buildings in the Capitol. "You're going to freak out when you see all the food they have. One table is enough to feed all of 12 for a few months." I tell him. Sadly, I'm going to miss a lot of the Capitol's celebrations - I have appointments. In the four days we'll be here, Gale has a set schedule: the first day - today - is his interview with Caesar. Tomorrow is when Gale meets with President Snow to be congratulated publicly. The day after is the banquet at President Snow's mansion, and we go home the afternoon after. I have eighteen appointments in the first three days. That's six a day. I cringe. That's not gonna be fun.

Oh, the things I learn. Apparently, Johanna Mason has gone missing, and she's staying with my second appointments' sister. Yeah, right. My third client claims Finnick and Gale are best friends and live together - that's partially true. Finn lives with me, and Gale's over so frequently, it's like he lives there. I also found out the President has a granddaughter, and that she's of Reaping age. That means that someone actually had a child with him. I don't know _why_ , or how. I shake the thought of that out of my head.

I sigh, relieved, as soon as I can get in the cab and head back to the training center. Today was not fun. After my third appointment, I was worn out. I take off my shoes once I get inside the training center elevator, and hobble into the bathroom, ignoring looks from Gale and Haymitch. Effie shakes her head, but thankfully, she's as ignorant as ever. I'd like to keep her that way. I throw my dress on my bed, and step into the shower. I sit in the bathtub, cross-legged, letting the scalding hot water beat down on my back, soaking my underclothes, which I forgot to take off. I don't find the will to stand up. I'm stuck. I'm alive, but is this really living? I wake up late, sleep with men, cry, get drunk, cuddle with Finn, and repeat. I was more alive when I was starving to death in the Seam. I'm constantly under pressure, with the lives of my loved ones on my shoulders. And they have no idea. I hear someone bang on the door. I wonder how long I've been in here.

A few minutes later, I hear someone come in, and pull open the shower curtain. It's Finnick. He looks just as worn out as I am. He furrows his brow, and then stands me up. "I heard you had six today," he tells me, as he pulls off his shirt. "I'm sorry." He opens his mouth as if he's going to say something more, but decides against it. I pull him into the shower. I don't know if I want to cry in his arms, or make out with him. I don't think it matters. I look at us: me in my red lacy underwear, and Finn in his soaked grey boxers. Sure, we're considered 'beautiful people' by the Capitol magazines, and I'd be lying if I said Finn wasn't beautiful - but we're so screwed up. We should be enjoying our youth, and instead we're fucking rich weirdos. I pull him into a hug, laying my head on his muscular chest. I wonder if he knows how much I need him. I wonder if he needs me as much as I need him.

"I don't know what I'd do without you." I mutter, looking up to stare in Finnick's green eyes. He tilts my chin up, and kisses me gently. I reach over him and turn the water off. I reach out of the shower and grab two towels, one for each of us. "We should continue this dried off." I tell him, drying off my legs.

"But Effie…" Finnick points out. Crap. I forgot she believes the Capitol rumors.

"I honestly don't care." I tell him. "I just want to be with you."

"You sure?" Finn asks me, and kisses my forehead. "I'm happy with that if you are." It sounds selfish, but I don't want him to sleep with anyone else. I'd like it to be him and I, in a real relationship. But that's unreasonable. I wrap a fluffy, warm towel around my hair, drying it off and then wrapping a dry towel around my torso. Finnick wraps one around his waist.

We sit down on the couch by ourselves, since Effie and Haymitch brought Gale down. Caesar Flickerman is wearing his famous powder blue sequined suit that matches his hair. He welcomes Gale onto the stage, and they shake hands. Gale sits in the same white chair that he sat on six months ago when he thought he was going to die for sure, the same chair Peeta sat on when he confessed his love for me, the chair I sat on when I thought I was going to die, and after, when I wished I was dead. They talk about the victory tour, fashion (which I can tell Gale has to try hard to not roll his eyes at all of Caesar's comments), and then what happens now. Gale mentions about how I'm going to help him mentor, and this will be Haymitch's first year where he doesn't have to mentor since he won. They chat a little longer. Finally, Caesar asks about if Gale has a special woman in his life. Gale smiles, and says "Maybe. I'll keep you updated on that." Caesar thanks him, they stand up and shake hands again, and the anthem plays, followed by the seal of Panem. The television goes black.

"You know they had sex. Gale and Cashmere." Finnick says, drawing me back to reality. I tilt my head at him. "I heard them. Last night. Before we left." He clarifies. I had a little too much to drink at the mayor's house in District 1 last night, and I honestly don't remember a lot.

"Oh." Is all I can say. I don't know how to respond to that.

Just then, Haymitch, Effie and Gale walk in. Haymitch and Gale wear identical amused grins when they see Finn and I, towel-clad, sitting on the couch. Effie turns pink, then red. She looks at me angrily, but turns to Finnick. "If you hurt Katniss - you're going to have to answer to _me_." I have to try hard to hold back a laugh.

"Effie, between the two of us. Finnick and I have been dating for _months_." I think I see Haymitch chuckle softly.

Effie huffs, and straightens her bright orange wig. "Well okay. But don't say I didn't warn you." She tells me, and then points her finger at Finn, "I don't care how attractive you are, you hurt her in any way and I'll-" She's cut off by Finnick cupping my cheeks and pulling my lips to his. I smile into the kiss, and put my hand in his soft hair. I'll never get tired of kissing him. I don't know what the future holds for us. Realistically, we could break up any day, or even get married one day. Nothing is certain - I could screw up and get him killed tomorrow. Not knowing scares me, but I know that we'll have this, right now, forever. And that's good enough for me right now.

"Get a room." Gale grins at me. I'm not sure if he's being a jerk, or friendly about it. I tell myself it's the latter.

I smile warmly at him. "You did great out there. We'll get to go home soon." I turn to Haymitch, "I think he's going to be alright." Haymitch says nothing, but shrugs, oddly aloof on the topic. I hug Gale goodnight, and Finnick gives him a weird high-five pat-on-the-back thing that a lot of guys do to their friends. I think it's weird but don't comment on it. Finnick in I sleep curled up in the same bed I lost my virginity to him a year ago in.

"I like this bed." Finn grins at me, clearly remembering what we did here. He absentmindedly twirls a strand of my hair around his finger. "I remember the first time I saw you was when you volunteered for Prim. You looked so scared and determined. But you were beautiful. And you still are." I lean over and kiss him. Tonight I have no nightmares. I feel almost… safe.

We all wake up very late the next morning, around eleven or so. Today is the banquet at President Snow's mansion. He calls it a house, but it's the largest mansion in all of Panem. I hate to admit it since he owns it, but it's beautiful to say the least. I wear the most 'sexy' dress I own - a tight, strapless dress that goes to my mid-thigh. It's borderline indecent, but here in the Capitol that's fashionable. I put on nude-colored high heels, and they make me only a few inches shorter than Finn. I put on a lot of eye makeup, deep red lipstick, and straighten my wavy hair. I think I look pretty good. Jaws drop when they see me. I look mature. Everyone babies me because I'm not even eighteen yet, but now they won't. Finn and Gale both wear suits, and they look very handsome. Gale chokes on his water when he sees me. "You're wearing that?" He asks, taken aback, but I notice how his eyes linger on my body.

"Any less fabric and you'd be naked." Haymitch retorts.

"Wow." Finnick says when he sees me, "You look stunning. Are you ready for tonight?"

"Ready for what?" Gale asks.

Finn takes a breath before responding, "If anyone asks, we're gonna tell them the truth - that we're back together. I love Katniss, and I'm not going to hide that."

Haymitch shakes his head. "That's a death wish. I swear on all the liquor in the world- if you even hold hands at that party, I'll kill you both before Snow can."

I sit next to Finnick but I don't touch him. I walk off on my own and instead of dancing with him, I dance with the rich Capitol people Effie tells me I need to know. I shake hands and kiss cheeks with some people, make small talk with others. Whenever I'm asked about Finn, I respond exactly the same each time: "We're friends!" The President makes a short speech about how honorable Gale was, and how is Games are a legacy in the Capitol. We all raise our glasses of clear-yellow bubbly drinks- champagne- and drink to him. I go back to talking to Capitol socialites.

One man who catches my attention is a fairly normal-looking man, who asks for a dance. We dance to a song awkwardly for a song, and then he asks me if I'd like a drink. We make our way over to one of the multiple bars.

"You look quite lovely, Miss Everdeen." He tells me. I thank him. "Oh, let me introduce myself. I'm Plutarch Heavensbee, the new Head Gamemaker this year." Seneca Crane supposedly died during some hovercraft accident, but I have a feeling he just managed to piss off Snow.

"Congratulations. That must be an honor." I say, smiling at him. I take a large sip of whatever the man at the bar gave me. It's numbing. That's good.

He shrugs, nonchalantly, "I guess so. We've been working on the Arena for the Quell for quite a while. They usually take a bit of time, but this one took over a year, since the Games are going to have a twist this year. I'm quite anxious to find out."

"Me too." I confess. We're anxious for much different reasons.

Plutarch rolls up his sleeve to look at his watch, and then shows it to me. "It's a Mockingjay, like your pin. They're all the rage in the Capitol." He kisses my cheek. "Well, I have to get going. It was lovely finally meeting you. There's… a last-minute meeting for Gamemaker executives. It starts at midnight." He goes over to get his coat, and leaves. Something about what he says sticks with me. Why does it even have significance? I don't really know.

_It starts at midnight._


	22. Chapter 22

It starts at midnight. I'm not quite sure what that really means. Maybe Plutarch was being literal, and his meeting started at midnight. But that didn't seem right. It seemed like he was hinting at something, but I can't figure out what. Maybe something's going to happen at midnight. That's in a few minutes, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Nothing. Nothing happens at midnight. I tell myself I'm over thinking things, but I can't leave it alone. I drink some more, and dance some more, and try to have some resemblance of a good time. I run into Finnick around my sixth drink, and we slow dance for half a song. I'm not sure when, but probably shortly after that, I think it's a good idea to drag him into one of the coat closets with me. My lips are on his as soon as we're _way_ out of sight. I don't pull away until I'm gasping for breath, and then we're back again. It's all tongue and teeth and lips on lips and the whole world melts away. A couple minutes later there's a knock and a grumble that sounds like it's from Haymitch. I sigh, fix my hair and lipstick, and then slip out, Finn following me a few minutes later.

I try to enjoy the last hour of the party. I chat with Gale and Effie (who's with all her friends) and dance to a bunch of songs, staying as far away from Finnick as possible. I'm so thankful when Effie's extreme timeliness drags all of us out of the party early. We cram into the back of the limo. Haymitch is passed out drunk, Gale's hair is mussed up beyond belief and his lips are bruised - I wonder who he made out with. I know that he has a thing for Cashmere, but she wasn't there. Whatever. It really isn't my buisness, and Gale and Cashmere aren't in a relationship or anything. Effie's golden wig is out of place, and I can see her light blonde hair peeking out from the front and back. I wonder why she doesn't use her natural hair. I'm sure it looks really nice.

"You did really well in there." Finnick tells me, kissing my forehead supportively. I wonder if he knows I've been stressing out about everything. He's really good at reading my emotions. I lay my head on his shoulder.

"I hate not being open about us." I tell him, sadly. "But we can't tell them. The consequences for doing something against his wishes would be devastating." I look around to make sure Effie didn't hear. Thankfully, she's too busy chatting to a bored Gale about some type of new makeup line that her friend created.

"I know, I know. Me too." Finn strokes my cheek, kissing me quickly, "But we can't- there's just too much at stake. Not even our own lives but the lives of the people we care about. It's really scary, Katniss. What he's capable of is terrifying. He's in most of my nightmares. There's nothing he wouldn't do. I've heard stories from Haymitch and Jo." I know he's an evil man, but I've never seen what he's done to people who have disobeyed his wishes. I know that Seneca Crane suddenly died, but how? He was a healthy-looking person. They couldn't fake some type of sickness. I swallow hard, making a gulping noise. I don't think I want to know.

"I think it would be scarier if someone bad found out and spread it than if we spread it." I tell him. Honestly, everything about Snow scares me, but if someone else found out, than it wouldn't just be an act of defiance - someone would have seen us doing something couple-y. I squeeze his hand. "This whole situation is terrifying." He shakes his head in agreement. The car comes to a halt, and I quickly separate my body from his, sitting up straight, holding in my breath. I run my hands through my hair. We get out of the car, we're back at the training center. I don't know what I was expecting to happen when we stopped. This whole secrecy thing is getting me way too paranoid for my own good. I'm keeping secrets from pretty much everyone- my family, my friends, heck, even the President of Panem.

As soon as I get upstairs, I take off all of my clothes and throw on a nightshirt. I don't bother to wash off my makeup, put up my hair, or even brush my teeth. I just crawl into bed, pull the soft blanket over my head, trying to block out all of my worries. I don't even notice Finn come into bed with me. My nightmares are terrible - President Snow kills all of Finn and my family and friends - my mother, Prim, Gale, Hazelle and the kids, Madge, Jo, Haymitch, Gloss and Cashmere, Adrienne, Finn's dad and Annie. Once we've watched them suffer a slow and painful death, we're killed ourselves. I wake up screaming.

"Katniss. Katniss." Finnick wakes me up by shaking me. I wipe my hair off my sweaty forehead. I sit up, and exhale slowly, trying to calm down my racing heart. "Are you okay?"

I shake my head no. "Yeah… I had a nightmare. Did I wake you?"

Finn shrugs. "Not really. I was having my own."

"Wanna talk about it?" I ask him.

He laughs. It's one of those dark, scary psychopathic laughs that makes you wonder if the person who laughs is even sane. "No way. Do you wanna talk about yours?" He knows I don't.

I sigh. "We're really fucked up, aren't we?" I laugh with him, at the craziness of this whole situation. I wonder if we have nightmares about the same things, or at least relatively the same things. Considering we have an almost identical life- from the loss of a parent, to a sister getting reaped, to being in the games, having to hide your relationship from the press, being reaped, become a whore and watching your world fall apart, we've been through a lot of the same things. I don't know how I would have turned out if I didn't have Finnick to help me through all of this. I don't even want to think of the what-if's. They're too scary to contemplate.

"That's an understatement." Finn smiles at me. It doesn't reach his eyes. He kisses me a little rougher than usual. I lay my head on the pillow. He's partly on top of me, partly on my side. It must be a little awkward for him. "Lie with me?" He asks. I smirk at the double-meaning. I'm laying in bed with him, but we're both lying about the same things together.

"Of course. Always." I curl up into Finnick's side, wishing his arms could protect me from myself. It doesn't work like that. I try to get a few more hours of sleep.

"Jeez." I hear someone say. I sit up startled. It's Gale. He must be here to wake us up. I pull the blanket over my bare chest, embarrassed. "Odair. Catnip. Get up. We're leaving for the train home in less than an hour."

Shit. Gale closes the door and I scramble around the room, packing all my things, and throwing on some clothes and makeup. I'm finished before Finnick is, which is kind of weird considering that guys usually take a lot less time to get ready than girls. They don't have to do their hair or makeup or anything like that. We grab our bags and make our way to the train station.

We all eat breakfast on the train, minus Haymitch who's grumpy and hung over, as usual. Effie chatters about how amazing the party at the President's house was last night, and how it's all anyone is going to be talking about for a long time. We all pretend to care. After breakfast, Finnick, Gale and I decide to watch the gossip channel on the Capitol television in the lounge. Effie has to make phone calls. The gossip channel is basically a television show like the nightly news where a Capitol woman talks about the most recent celebrity gossip. It's like reading all the tabloids for the whole day in less than half an hour. It's a lot easier than looking through all of them. Honestly, I could care less about all the junk they talk about. But I need to stay on top of Capitol fashion trends to keep up with all my customers, and make it look like I really am a celebrity. I also like to see what they say about me, if they do. The tabloids haven't really said anything dince my victory tour, except for a few positive comments on my outfit choices for various outings.

The reporter talks about mundane, uninteresting things that don't affect any of us, but the decides to talk about the party last night. She mentions Gale's suit, my dress and my lipstick as well as Effie Trinket's shoes. Finnick makes the volume louder. "...And rumor has it that they've been hooking up!" The live audience gasps. I groan. There's a picture of me leaning on his shoulder through the car, and one of him dragging me into the closet.

"Holy shit. You guys didn't-

"No. I don't even know what the hells going on."

I hear Finnick mutter someone's name. It sounds a lot like Annie. He looks up at me, and I see a look in his I've never seen before. Sheer terror. After a minute, he manages to form words. "Who is he going to kill? Annie? Prim? Johanna?"

"I don't know…" I manage to whisper. "What are we going to do?" I hug Finnick, trying to hold myself together. Someone I care about is going to die. Finnick did a great job. I should have not been so stupid.

"We can't not think about this." Finn whispers.

"Aren't you guys being a bit dramatic?" Gale asks. "I mean it's just the press."

"You don't get it." I shake my head.

"Snow wanted us to stay single. This makes it look like we went against his wishes. He's gonna kill someone one of us care about as punishment. He also just really likes using any excuse to make us suffer. Isn't that why there's a Games in the first place? 75 years ago, a group of people committed crimes, so 23 kids die every year. That seems reasonable."

Gale frowns. "That really sucks. And you've been living with all that stress for what? 10 years?"

"A little less. They couldn't touch me until I was sixteen. So seven, eight years. I've seen the consequences of his wrath on my friends, and on me. I care enough about my friends and family enough that I'll keep on living so they can. They tried to kill the first- no the second - girl I ever cared about, and my kid sister. Annie was lucky enough to survive, and she was so mentally unstable after that she didn't have to be sold. Dahlia didn't make it out, which was pretty lucky on her part. She would've ended up like us, and a life like this is worse than death. I guess that's just my opinion."

"Do you ever wish you had died in your games?" Gale asks. I wonder if he realizes that he's getting really personal. I don't question it because he's actually having a decent conversation with Finn.

Finnick sighs. "Honestly? All the time. If I had just died in the arena, then Annie and Dahlia would be alive, you wouldn't have been reaped in the first place, and Katniss probably would be with a good boyfriend."

I shush Finnick. "Don't you dare say that. I love you, okay? And we have each other. We're going to be okay." Finn squeezes my hand. "You're a great boyfriend. And I wouldn't have been able to get a better boyfriend who understands me like you do. The only other guy who would even possibly date one of us would be Gloss. And that would be… absolutely no way. Let's not even think about that. He's a good friend, but just… no."

Finnick laughs, and even cracks a smile. "I love you too. But you deserve better."

I shake my head. "I think you have it the other way around." I lean into him, and kiss him. I think I hear Gale make a pretend gagging noise, but I don't really process it. It's just my lips on his, his lips on mine. The whole world melts away. I pull away reluctantly, after a few moments. I grasp Finn's hand in mine. "Look, this sucks. We're gonna get through this, together- okay? And besides, we don't know what Snow's thinking. Maybe he asked that interviewer to publish something like this." I point out. We have no idea what goes on in Snow's psychotic mind. Then again, nobody does. He always manages to surprise me.

I hear a grumpy Haymitch stumbles into the room, clearly hung over. He's mumbling curses under his breath, which wreaks of alcohol, which is a little bit premature considering he just woke up. "You two are in so much trouble." Haymitch pulls both of us up and into his car. We sit on two chairs, and he sits across from us. "I heard what happened. It's going to be a huge fucking mess. Look, I know two you didn't do this on purpose. I know you didn't want it out in the public, or at least not yet. But it's out there, and that's a big problem. Believe me, messing around with the President is a bad idea, but when the President is Snow, that's practically a death wish. Do you two know what you've done?" He pauses for a minute but then adds, "Even if it was unintentional."

"I honestly don't want to know." Finnick mumbles. I agree with him completely.

"Um, we've pissed off the most powerful man alive, who already hated us, and this is going to lead to our death or the death of our loved ones." I say, summarizing everything pretty well, if I do say so, myself. I think I understand consequences fairly well.

Haymitch sighs loudly. "Exactly. Trust me. It's not going to be quick, and it's going to be very painful. For whoever he chooses to get rid of, it'll physically be agonizing. But for you two, it'll be a lot worse. You'll have to live with that pain. That you'll love." I glance at Finnick, and he nods wearily. We both know Haymitch is speaking from experience. "So what are you two gonna do about it?"

What are we going to do about this? I have no idea. I look at Finnick, and can tell he's out of ideas, just as I am. We're not going to be productive for a bit. We're still processing all of this. It's a lot to handle. I don't know who Snow'll take out - Prim, my mother, even Annie. "Um, we try to fix things?" I suggest.

Haymitch laughs. "Good luck with that, sweetheart. The damage is done. My only suggestion for you is that you help yourself to a drink - trust me, you're gonna need quite a few of them by the time he's done. On top of that, the freaking Quell is going to be announced in a week."

"Haymitch," Finnick looks up, scared. "Do you think they'll hurt her?"

"If they did it before, what's stopping them now?" He rolls his eyes at Finn, like it's the most obvious thing. "I'm going back to bed. You two drink something for me. You'll need it almost more than I will. And that's scary."

I spend most of the two-day train ride passed out drunk, drinking, lying in bed curled up with Finn, or asleep. And I like it that way, in all honesty. I'm not a huge fan of all the cruelties this world has to offer. And my world seems to have a lot of them. When we get home to District 12, I have to act like nothing out of the ordinary has happened on this tour. Like nobody's life is endangered from my stupid actions. I've always been bad at pretending. That doesn't stop me from trying though. I do my makeup and hair, and grin and hug my family members when I see them. To my surprise, Johanna seems to have a soft spot for Prim. I think it's cute. And when I see Prim's fingers intertwined in Rory's, and their matching elated expressions, I know that Jo must have helped that out. I owe her one. Even my mother is warm to Finnick, and very motherly to me, which is a very nice change. She really cares about me, and I can see it clearly now. I better not get too attached - she might get killed any day now. Thanks to my stupidity.

District 12's Harvest Festival this year is phenomenal. There's musicians and catering from the Capitol. Everyone in the whole district will have full stomachs tonight. That's enough of a good feeling for a victor to stop wallowing in self-pity for a night, and be happy with the fact they killed people for this. It seems justifiable. Everyone dances in the town square, and everyone has a great time. Mayor Undersee makes a long speech about how he's known Gale for years, and how he's a great kid with a bright future, and how lucky we are that he was stayed strong during his Games. Gale even drinks a bit - to Hazelle's dismay, but he doesn't over do it. Johanna pulls me aside during one of the popular songs. "Hey," she says, an unusual amount of kindness in her voice, "Haymitch told me everything. Don't worry too much, sometimes these things are out of your control. These reporters are bat-shit crazy." We both laugh.

"Does it ever get better? The pain of losing one of your family members?" I ask her, already knowing the answer. The whole in my heart where my father should be will never be filled. Sure, it could get patched up, but it'll never really heal.

Johanna frowns for a minute before answering me, "Honestly, no. Things'll never be exactly the same ever again. But you find a new normal." She looks down at her black shoes, the tops peeking out from the skirt of her long, dark blue dress. Her hair has grown out a bit, and goes down to her shoulders now. I wonder what Johanna does all day. I don't know if I really want an answer to that. I see a group of little kids playing around, chasing each other holding cans of canned fruit. I smile at Johanna.

"See that?" I point the kids out to her, "Seeing that is the best feeling ever. Knowing that having me and Gale win keeps their stomachs filled. The people we killed didn't die for nothing, you know?" Johanna nods, a tight-lipped smile ghosting across her mouth for a fraction of a second before her expression returns to her normal, indifferent pout. Haymitch and Finn come over to us.

"Mind if I borrow her?" Finn asks Johanna playfully.

"Please. I'm getting sick of her anyways." She jokes. Johanna's tone makes her sound serious, but I know she doesn't mean it. Finn takes my hand, and pulls me onto the dance floor for a slow song. I stand close to him with my arms around his shoulders. Finn puts his around my waist. We sway slowly like the other couples on the dance floor, barely moving at all.

"This is the dance we never had back in the Capitol." Finnick murmurs to me, his voice barely above a whisper. He's making sure that if anyone is actually watching us, or trying to listen, they can't hear what we're saying. "You know, I'm terrified for what might happen next. But I'll never regret being in love with you." He says matter-of-factly. I press my lips to his.

"I love you, Finnick Odair. That's not going to change, even if it kills me." I tell him. Anyone listening in would think the moment is cute or romantic. It is, but I'm also stating our possible fate. We messed with the president, and that always ends with a body count. I shake those thoughts out of my head. All I want is to be able to enjoy these moments while I can.

 

"Katniss, wake up." Finnick shakes me lightly. I stir, and look at him quizzically. "They're going to announce the Quell." Shit. I must have dozed off at the desk chair, while checking Prim's homework. The clock says it's a little befroe seven, and the sunset outside my window agrees. We all cram into the living room - Haymitch and Jo, Mom, Hazelle, Gale, Prim and Rory, Vick and Posy, and Finn and I.

President Snow comes out with a small boy wearing all white, who hands him a box. Snow opens the card labeled 75 in neat script. He slowly tears open the sealed envelope, building suspense. I squeeze Finn's hand so hard, he has to shake me off. President Snow clears his throat before reading the card out loud to all of Panem. "On the seventy-fifth anniversary, as a reminder to the rebels that even the strongest among us cannot overcome the power of the Capitol, the male and female tributes will be reaped from their existing pool of victors."

Johanna looks around, stands up, and walks out. Gale curses loudly. My mother shrieks. I just feel confused. _What does that even mean?_ I pause, and then I get it. I get why Johanna sprinted out the door, slamming it behind her, and while everyone is staring at me, waiting to gauge my reaction. There's only one living female victor to choose from, from District 12. That victor is me.

_I am going back into the arena._


	23. Chapter 23

I look up, confident that I'm on the verge of hysteria. "Holy shit." I whisper, biting down on my fist to keep from screaming. My eyes widen with fear. I turn to Finnick, who seems to be freaking out. "What. Have. We. Done?" I ask him slowly. I don't wait for him to answer. I sprint out the door, not quite sure where I'm going. I run out of the Victor's Village, past the town and the Seam, to the Meadow. I'm about to climb under the fence, but it's buzzing alive with electricity. I can't escape. I run back in the dark, faintly noticing that my socks are soaking wet and I'm freezing cold. It's mid-February, and we're just thawing from a blizzard. All I was wearing was a pair of leggings and one of Finn's tee-shirts. I'm out of breath by the time I'm back at the gates to the Victor's Village.

We're going back into the arena. The land of the mutts, the canons, the source of every victor's nightmares. I don't think anyone was expecting this. This turn of events is unprecedented. The one thing all victors knew for sure, was that their time in the arena was over for good. Until now. I want to scream; I want to punch something. I would rather die a thousand times before having to experience my Games all over again. I stop thinking about myself for a moment: some of these victors have settled down and have spouses and even children. Some victors may be as young as I, or as old as Mags. She's the oldest living victor.

I see Johanna. She's curled up into a ball in front of Haymitch's house, hyperventilating. I don't blame her. I walk over to her, and give her my hand to help her up. She smiles a little, and we walk slowly back to my house, which is in utter chaos.

Gale and my mother are screaming at Finnick, who looks like he's about to punch Gale in the face or start crying at the same time. Haymitch is pacing angrily. Hazelle and the kids went next door with Prim, who was scared at the drama unfolding. Johanna exchanges a look with me and shakes her head, screaming at all of them, "What the hell is going on?"

"I knew you were bad for her- Katniss has been acting promiscuously and dressing inappropriately after you two started dating. You cheated on my daughter, and now she's going to get sent back into that-" My mother yells at Finnick, but cuts herself off when she realizes we're all listening.

"Jesus, Martha. Would you shut it?" Haymitch grumbles. That's probably the only time I've ever heard someone call my mother by her first name. "Finnick's a good kid."

I sigh. "My clothes have nothing to do with Finnick. I dress and act the way I do because I'm a goddamn-" I'm smart enough to not finish that sentence.

"A what?" My mother asks pointedly. This is the first time I realize she's against me. I can't count on my own mother.

"A celebrity. The Capitol's watching her every move." Gale covers up for me. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in. That could've been very bad. "I'm going home." He walks out.

"I need a drink." Finnick leans back. I make a noise of agreement. We all walk out of my house, leaving my mother alone, but I'll deal with that later. I'm going to be in the arena with Johanna, and Haymitch or Gale. Johanna Mason is a good friend, but her Games were terrifying. She killed eight tributes, I think. I killed three.

As soon as we're in Haymitch's house, we break out the strong liquor, that's practically as strong as the rubbing alcohol that's used in hospitals. Ripper only has ever made fifty bottles of it. I pop the seal of a bottle and chug half of it in one breath, not stopping until Finnick pulls it away from me, leaving me sputtering and coughing. Gale seems the most calm, which is weird. Finn finishes off the bottle. We look up, and see Haymitch shaking his head at us. "I don't think I could drink that as fast as you." The whole world seems fuzzy around the edges. I still feel the pain, and stumble up to get another bottle of less strong liquor by comparison, vodka. Finnick and I alternate sips. By the time we're done, I feel less numb, just a bit nauseous.

"Let's go somewhere." I tell Finnick. We stand up and leave, half-jogging half-skipping back to my house. My mother is explaining the situation to an upset Prim, but I don't even bother to say hello. "Hey Finn, wanna practice throwing knives? I'll give you an hour of arrow lessons for an arrow of trident! That might be handy in the Seventy-fifth Annual Hunger Games!" We both laugh uncontrollably for a while, even though nothing about the situation is funny. My mother and Prim watch the exchange, looking confused and a little scared.

"I love you." Finnick slurs. He's drunk. So am I, I think. I wrap my arms around him, kissing him passionately. My mother is right there, my brain reminds me. I ignore it.

"Let's get out of here?" I ask him, leading him upstairs. I can't make it up the stairs, and Finn ends up throwing me over his shoulder. As soon as we get into my room, I throw him against the wall, and kiss him hard. Somehow, his clothes end up in a pile on the floor with mine, leaving us in our underwear.

He pulls away for a minute, looking concerned. "Katniss, you're drunk."

I laugh irresponsibly. "So are you. Does it even matter? It's not like this would be our first time. Just fuck me?" That seems to be the only the only thing he needed to hear, and next thing I know, Finn's lips attach to mine, his teeth catching my bottom lip before his tongue caresses the bite as he moved down to my chin, my neck, the edge of my shirt. His hands move their way up the back of her shirt, his fingers softly tracing up my spine. I'm sure I might collapse in a heap on the ground from the sheer electric current from Finn's fingertips to my skin. I don't know how to feel, I can't do anything except feel how my skin is practically tingling against his hands. Finnick slides my shirt off me as his mouth trails light kisses along my shoulder, my own hands reaching far less gracefully for his own shirt, as I drunkenly lift it over his head. He laughs lightly, the sound low and growly in a way that shouldn't have turned me on more but definitely did, the feel of it vibrating across my skin.

Next thing I know, my clothes are on the floor, in a pile with Finn's shirt. I frown, realizing he's still wearing his pants. I pull away from his lips for a minute, just so I can lean down and unzip his pants. I'm not the most experienced – I've slept with my fair share of Capitol men, and that's only a fraction of the people Finnick's slept with – but I know how to get someone off. I snake my hand into his pants, gripping with the right mixture of tight and loose all in one while moving up and down to get him completely hard. I pull my hand out, smirking. Finn pushes me onto a wall with a loud thump, it only taking seconds for him to push in harder and faster than he normally would have, not that I mind.

My fingernails dig into his shoulders, scratching patterns down his bare muscular back. His fingers hold on to my hips hard enough to bruise as he starts to thrust in and out, not even bothering to start with a slow pace. There is no pace, it's drunk and sloppy but we need this and neither of us really care. The words falling out of my mouth, faster, harder, more, please, fuck, sound so out of place and dirty. The only thought I have at all is too keep it quiet. I wrap my legs around his waist and we make our way to the bed, him still inside me. One of his hands moves to up to cup my breast, a thumb ghosting over my nipple. My whole entire body tenses up, tightening and winding more and more around me as I fight off the orgasm with every ounce of energy I can, not wanting to miss a moment of how perfect all of this is, regardless of how fucked up everything else is. I feel myself come hard, seeing only stars. Finn thrusts a few more times, one, two three, and then comes with a grunt. He doesn't roll off me, and I keep him there, reaching up to kiss him. "Love you too." I manage to tell him before the alcohol in my body drags me under.

I wake up late. The light coming in through the curtains is blinding, and the noises downstairs are too loud. I manage to make my way to the toilet and the alcohol and dinner make a reappearance. I crawl back into bed and pull the blanket over Finnick and I, barely registering his state of undress. He must have dressed me after, since I'm clothed.

I wake up again, and Finnick's up in the bathroom. My head is pounding. I put on my fluffy white robe and go downstairs, leaving some clothes out for Finnick. Prim and my mother are chatting and laughing at the table with Hazelle and Rory. Vick and Posy must be somewhere. They silence themselves as soon as they see me. "Morning." Hazelle smiles at me sympathetically. She knows what everyone knows- I'm going back in. I don't want to think of that.

"Do you want any juice?" Prim asks me cheerfully, as she pours herself a glass of pink juice. I can see right through her act, she's scared, but is trying to hold it together for me. It's grapefruit juice, that comes from District 11. I shake my head, no. I'm not hungry. And even if I was, I wouldn't want it. Prim and Rory are going to see the school play together, and are leaving in a few minutes. Hazelle walks them out.

"Katniss, we need to talk." My mother tells me. I have a feeling this is going to her talking, and me pretending to listen. "You're out of control. You drink and have sexual relations, with a twenty-four year old."

I try not to roll my eyes at her, but my patience for her is wearing thin. "I'm an adult, I can make my own choices. I'm eighteen now! I can't deal with this- okay?" I walk out and go to Gale's house. He's sitting at the table, drinking a cup of something hot (coffee, maybe tea or hot cider). I let myself in, and sit down next to him. "Hey, how are you holding up?" I ask him, worry in my eyes. The two of us were just in the Games, and our wounds are the freshest. Compared to some victors, we didn't have it that bad: Annie went mad, Haymitch almost lost his intestines, Finnick and Johanna killed the most out of anybody in Hunger Games history- 12 and 10 people, respectively. That doesn't mean our Games weren't traumatizing. I get terrible nightmares, and I think he does too. I don't ask.

Gale takes a long sip of his drink before answering me. "I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel. First I was kind of confused, and then I was angry. But now I'm just... empty. I don't feel anything. I just wanna run away to another life. What about you? You look pretty hung over, but I wasn't told how much you drank. I did hear... other things."

I blush. "Sorry about that."

Gale shrugs, and then smiles at me playfully, "Don't worry about it." I think he's warmed up to the idea of Finn and I. "Can you help me get on his good side? There's a good chance he might be in the arena with me."

I grin, "You two would get along pretty well. I know he's what- five years older than you? But that really doesn't mean anything." Gale does have a point. Finnick and Johanna are lethal, and they weren't even Careers. That's when I get the idea. "I know what we're gonna do. We're gonna train like Careers. Johanna and I are going in for sure, and it's either gonna be you or Haymitch. Finnick, Cashmere, Blight and Gloss- the odds are in their favor in the sense that they have more victors. But still, it couldn't hurt for all of us to get in shape to fight."

"So, when do we start?" Gale asks. "I'm sure as hell not about to do anything right now."

"Tomorrow, I guess." I shrug. I say goodbye to Gale, and as I'm walking out, he stops me.

"Katniss? You might wanna cover that up.." He smirks at me. I look down and realize my robe has been loosely tied the whole time, leaving my hickey-covered neck visible. I blush, and cover my neck with my hair.

I visit Haymitch and Johanna next. Hazelle is cooking some type of stew on the stove, and I can smell it before I even open the door. It's usually delicious, but the idea of food right now makes my stomach churn. Johanna is yelling at Haymitch in another room. I can only hear what she's saying. "Do you even think that'll work?... Come on!... Wait, you wouldn't tell them... But they're our friends... A lot of the districts, um 3, 4, 7, 8, and 11... Ugh. I don't even wanna talk about this anymore." Johanna storms out of the room, and frowns when she sees me. "Not you. I'm not in the mood to have a Quarter Quell pity party." She huffs. Hazelle and I exchange a look, and she shrugs. Haymitch comes out a minute later, rubbing his head.

"You again." Haymitch frowns. "I heard enough of you last night." Hazelle shakes her head, and goes back to chopping vegetables. "Jo's going home for a little. Her friend's sick, and she's just... not doing too well. Not that I blame her. Look, sweetheart. I'm really busy. What do ya want?"

"Tomorrow morning at eight thirty sharp, meet Gale, Finnick and I in front of the big oak tree behind my house. We're training."

"Training?"

"We're training like careers. We have 4 months to make some victors into victors again." I walk out, closing the door a little too hard. When I walk across the manicured grass to get back home, I see Rory kissing Prim goodbye. As I get closer, they pull away, and Rory scrambles home. Prim looks at me, scared.

"Katniss, please don't tell mom? She'll freak out." She pleads.

I smile. "Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it. Just one question, are you two dating?"

Prim blushes and gives an excited smile. "We're officially going out, as of a few minutes ago."

I hug Prim, happy for the first time today, "I'm really happy for you. Let's go inside." My mood drops considerately when I realize I'll never see Prim get married, whether its to Rory or another boy. All these victors have known each other for years, and I haven't. The odds never seem to be in my favor. I don't tell Prim that. We chit-chat for a little. She tells me about school, and the play, and boys. I try not not wince every time she talks. like this sister-sister bonding. We're silenced as we step into the house, as we see my mother yelling at a towel-clad Finnick. "Oh god." I whisper to Prim. She nods in agreement. Whatever's going on, this can't be good.

"Get out of my house!" My mother yells, wielding a kitchen knife. If she were to try to stab him, it wouldn't end well for her.

"Um, mom?" I literally step in between them, "This is my house, actually. Your house is over there." I point in the general direction of the Seam. "If I die, which will probably happen in the near future, you and Prim'll have to move back to the Seam. We're here because of me. And I could kick you out if I wanted to." It's a little bit harsh and I regret my choice of words, but I don't apologize.

My mother seems taken aback, and almost hurt, but quickly composes herself to her usual eerily calm mannerism. "I would think that you'd respect me a little bit more. I'm your mom."

"You're my mother, not my mom." I correct her. "Who raised Prim and I? I did. Not you."

"Katniss," Finn warns me gently. "You might want to think about what you're saying."

I shake my head, laughing in repulsion at his words. "I know what I'm saying. Now listen to me, mother. You don't own me, you're not in charge of me, you have no control over anything I say and do. I barely have control over that. Now could you please give me a break?" Prim scurries to the kitchen, and sits at the table, picking up a magazine. She is the constant. Prim remains unchanging as my world combusts from the inside out. I turn to Finnick, my expressions softening considerably. "Can we talk?"

He nods, and we walk down the hallway into the study. "Hey, are you okay? I know that none of this is... good. This is all so fucked up. But we need to try to stay strong. For each other and everyone else." Finn kisses my forehead sympathetically. I know this is hard on him too, but I can tell he's holding onto the small beacon of hope that he won't be reaped. At least he might be safe.

"I know what we're gonna do. We're gonna train like Careers." I tell him my plan, optimistically. "There's only been 74 victors, and only a handful of them, 58 I think, are still alive. We'll study their techniques and their weaknesses, if any."

Finnick nods slowly. "Sounds good, I guess. Hold on, I need to call can listen in, if you want." Finnick walks across the room to the phone, and dials a number he must have called a lot, and puts the receiver to his ear and pushes a button so I can hear the conversation. It rings, and then the person on the other end finally picks it up.

"Hello?"

"Grant, it's me."

"Finnick? Holy shit! It's been... too long. How are you holding up?"

"I'm alright. Jo's flipping the fuck out."

"Johanna... well she had a bad time. You should see Annie."

Finn's face pales. "Oh God... is she alright?"

Grant scoffs into the phone on his end. "She wouldn't leave her room. We had to get Mags and your sister to drag her out. She's okay now. Just very upset. She thinks it's gonna be her."

Finnick runs a hand through his hair. "Remind her how many victors we've had."

"I just feel bad for Jo and your girlfriend, Katniss. They're really fucked."

Finn sighs, and strokes my cheek supportively. "Grant, say hi to Katniss. Katniss, this is Grant. He was my mentor after the Games." I say hello.

"Nice to finally meet you. After your tribute parade, Finn wouldn't shut up about you. Finn, why do you get all the girls?"

"It's because I'm so ridiculously attractive." he jokes.

"Who wants to mentor this year?" Grant asks, "I mean I know you're gonna be there either way. Annie's out of the question, and I don't wanna make Mags go."

"That leaves you and a few others."

"I stopped mentoring after Annie's Games. Snow didn't need me to be a whore and you could take care of yourself." There's a loud bang in the background. "Sorry, the wife has her friends over. Natalie! Look, I'll talk to you later."

"Bye Grant."

"Hey, Finn? Be careful."

Finnick hangs up the phone. "Grant's wife, Natalie, was also a victor. She won the 58th Games. They don't want to have kids, because they're scared they'll get reaped... Could you imagine being a little kid, and being terrified that your parents will get reaped? It's terrible."

I lay my head on his shoulder. "We should do something." My time with Finnick is limited, and I want to spend every possible minute with him. "Or better, can we just lay here?" Finn picks me up from the wooden chair, and deposited me on my, rather our, bed. We lay there on the bed, cuddled together, saying nothing. Just laying in his arms is all I really want to do. After a while, I just start to sob quietly, but I can't stop. "Why now? For the very first time, everything's going good in my life. My family is fed, we have a good house, and I have you. Disregard the whole prostitute part and it's a perfect life. I'm finally a little bit happy. And he decides to ruin it. What if it wasn't us? What if someone else pissed Snow off? There are so many victors, it could be any of them. It could easily have been Gloss or Blight or even Annie."

Finnick shakes his head. "You're probably right. It could've been a lot of different things. But let's not focus on that. I love you, you love me, nothing else matters. We have each other for now, and that's all we need." He tilts his head down to face me, and brushes his lips against mine. He lingers there for a moment, before pulling away. Finn runs the pad of his thumbs under my eyes, wiping away my tears and streaked eye makeup. I must look like a mess, but I know that Finnick doesn't care. I just want to stay like this forever, me and him.

 

We meet Haymitch and Gale in my backyard early, every single morning. My mother puts us on a diet so we gain weight in muscle. Most Capitol people would freak out at the idea of gaining weight, but in District 12, it's a great thing to say you've gained a few pounds. The first few weeks, we focus on survival skills – building fires and shelter, as well as hunting animals and finding edible plants and berries. Then we practice building stamina. We run back in forth the whole district, going on jogs for over two hours at a time. Haymitch has a hard time with that. Finnick and I have other ways of building our stamina that don't involve Gale and Haymitch, and they make sure to reference how _active_ we are whenever they get the chance. After that, we focus on combat. Finnick and I spar with thin branches, Haymitch teaches us how to throw knives, and I teach them how to properly climb a tree. Gale explains snares and Finnick (who's a pro with hand-to-hand combat) teaches us how to be agile enough to deflect these techniques. The worst part of all of this is that my appointments have been very frequent – one or two, even three every day after I'm exhausted from training all day.

 

Three weeks before the reaping, Finnick packs his bags to head home to 4. "I'll call you every day." He promises. "And no matter what happens, I believe in you. I'll be there every step of the way, and maybe we'll be able to bring you home." I kiss him goodbye, and try not to act teary when he says his goodbyes. Even Gale hugs him goodbye, and Prim seems sad to see him go. That might be the last time I get to see my boyfriend, ever again.

District 12 is the first to get reaped, and it's much different than last year's. My mother wakes Prim and I up an hour later, as usual, but I get dressed differently. I put on one of my most impractically fashionable outfits in my closet – a tight blood red dress and high heels, with my hair pin-straight and smoky eye makeup. My lipstick matches my dress exactly. Prim and my mother weep over breakfast. I don't eat anything. As I walk out of my home in the Victor's Village, I say goodbye to the things I didn't even think I would miss – my father's old hunting jacket, my bows and arrows, Prim's stuffed animals (I left a goodbye note for her and my mother tucked into one of Prim's desk drawers), and even Buttercup ,that hideous pain-in-the-ass of a cat.

I stand alone in a roped-off pen, with Haymitch and Gale in a similar one on my right. The whole district watches on. I can tell all of them are secretly relived they don't have to worry about participating this year. Effie isn't energetic at all this year. She constantly sniffles as she gives her speech, and doesn't bother to fix her golden wig when it shifts to the side.

It takes her a few minutes to get my name out of the bowl, even though it's all obvious that it's going to me, she still quietly sobs as she reads Katniss Everdeen. I'm surprised when Effie pulls out the boy's name: Haymitch Abernathy. I was expecting Gale to be reaped, it still feels surreal. This is going to be much harder for him having being friends with most of all the other victors. I only know seven or eight of them. We're all shocked when Gale jumps up and shouts, "I volunteer." Hazelle screams.

The half-hour for goodbyes is overemotional to say the least. My mother and Prim are crying almost as hard as I am, and I'm not able to promise them that I can win. Madge even gets a bit teary eyed, and she kisses me on the cheek, telling me that she'll see me soon. I know I don't have a chance this year. Hazelle and the kids stop by. I make sure Hazelle promises to never sign any of them up for tessarae, and I tell Rory to take care of Prim for me. The one visitor I'm not expecting is one of Peeta's older brothers. He awkwardly comes in, and talks so quickly I'm afraid he'll pass out. But he's as eloquent as his late brother, and says something beautiful. "I know what you can do. The whole district believes in you, you've been fighting since you were ten. Go out there, and come home. Your family needs that." He even hugs me, and I hug him back. It's a little uncomfortable since he's all sweaty and I'm a few inches taller than him in my high heels.

On the train, Effie is sobbing hysterically. I'm all cried out. Haymitch is as drunk as ever. Haymitch also seems to be mad at Gale. When I ask Gale why, he responds: "The old man's crazy. He thinks it was the wrong thing for me to volunteer. It'll be easier for me. I know three victors. He knows all of them. I don't regret doing it." I don't understand Gale's actions. But I have a pretty good feeling he might regret volunteering. As selfish as it sounds, I would.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plot thickens. (;

I spend most of my time on the train watching the Reapings from the other districts. From District 11, there's Chaff and Seeder. Chaff is one of Haymitch's good friends, who won 5 years before Haymitch did. He has only half of his left arm- he lost part of it in his Games. Seeder won the 30th Hunger Games, and seems to be very healthy for an older victor. Both of the victors from District are older, which is both comforting and a bit sad. The victors from 9 are older as well, but aren't elderly (like the ones from District 10). They seem to be around Haymitch's age. Effie has strong feelings about the victors from 8. The man Woof, looks to be around Haymitch's age. The woman, Cecelia won the games after Haymitch's. She has to detach herself from three crying kids, and Effie looks very upset over the fact she was reaped. I try not to look at Haymitch, but I know he can't be happy. Chaff is Haymitch's best friend, and the others, he must at least be acquainted with.

It gets progressively worse after that. Both Johanna and Blight are reaped, which causes me to throw my drink at the television. The victors from District 6 are elderly morphling addicts, and can barely walk to the stage. It's pathetic, and deeply saddening. Haymitch seems upset about whoever the victors from District 5 are. I contemplate not seeing the reaping for District 4, but I need to watch. The escort starts with ladies, and the handful of them are quiet with anticipation. She reads Annie Cresta, and the audience is silenced. She starts crying, and Finnick has to duck out of the pen to help her get up. Mags volunteers to take her place, and hobbles to the stage slowly with her cane. Poor Annie. Poor Mags. When she reaches in the bowl for the boys, I squeeze Haymitch's hand so tightly, I think he might lose circulation. Of course, she has to pick the worst possible name. Finnick Odair. The crowd is shocked. Annie screams, Mags shakes her head in denial. One man looks like he's about to volunteer, but I see Finn mouth _no_ and shake his head. I let out a strangled sob, and don't even notice that the noises I'm making are mine until I hear them after I leave the car. I hear someone call out to me, but I don't turn around. I lock myself in the bathroom, curl up in a ball, and cry.

Not only am I going back into the arena, but I'm going with my closest friends, my boyfriend, and my mentor's friends. I can't kill any of them. I can't die either. I'm stuck. After a while, Gale manages to kick down the door and he drags me out of the bathroom to see who the others are. I hate him for it, but I really don't. The two victors from District 3 are Wiress and Beetee. I've met them both during the party at the end of my victory tour. They seemed really nice. The victors from District 2 are both volunteers, to nobody's surprise. The woman is Enobaria, who I recognize from the fact that she killed by ripping her opponent's throats open with her own teeth. The man, Brutus, seems more than willing to get back in the arena. District 1 is terrible to watch, as well. Both Cashmere and Gloss are picked. Haymitch and I can't even comprehend our dismay. I wonder how Cashmere and Gloss' parents feel. Then, Capitol commentators have to give their opinions. They talk about how the odds are never in my favor- having my two boyfriends in the games with me, and my cousin. They also mention how all three of Finnick's love interests, ever, were reaped, and how this is going to be the best Games, ever! I disagree completely.

Haymitch looks over at me, and shakes his head. "You know what sucks about this sweetheart? There's no way these will turn out in anyone's favor. I would hate to be the sole living victor, but who wants to die?" He takes a large gulp of his liquor, and passes the bottle to me. I gratefully take it, and down at least half of it. There's no way I'll be able to handle this sober. The train stops short for a fuel stop, and Haymitch requests I get some air with him. As soon as our feet touch the sodden ground outside what I assume is the outside of District 8, he speaks. "If a bunch of us – you, me, Jo, Blight, Finn, Mags, the siblings and a few mentors – can focus on one person to keep them alive, then maybe we can bring them home. But who? I know that you think I'm crazy for being upset with Gale volunteering, but I have reasons. You'll understand soon enough. But not now."

I think about how hard this is for Haymitch, having to choose. There's Chaff, who's his best friend, Johanna, who's his girlfriend, Blight, who's like his brother, and other people who just mean a lot to him. His whole family is going to be fighting to death in the arena, and he can't take sides. I suddenly get an idea. "What if nobody kills anyone? Imagine that: a fight to the death without any fighting or death. It would be revolutionary."

Haymitch shakes his head. "Game-maker interference. Also, what about the District 2 victor-tributes? What do you even call them? Victors and tributes. Regardless, the idea's terrible. You can't count on anyone to stick to their word. And even if they did, Snow would throw a fit. That wouldn't work, at all." A Capitol attendant sticks her head out the train door, and tells us that the train is going to start up again, so we need to come inside. I wonder what would happen if I resisted. I'm not in the mood to find out. As we're walking back towards the car, Haymitch mumbles something about District 8, and instability. I don't fully hear whatever he's saying, since the alcohol slurs his words, and has also altered my hearing.

Effie and Gale are talking about something, but Effie turns to stare at me and cocks one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows at me. "Katniss, are you drunk?" She seems appalled at the idea that I've been drinking. "You know, that's terrible. Alcohol is not only bad for you, but it affects your actions. You are a tribute and a famous victor; you have a reputation to uphold! If you drink, who knows how bad your manners could get!" Effie is all flustered, and her wig has slanted so far to the right, that it's practically half-off her head. Clearly, she's gone from feeling bad for me, to wallowing in self-pity, to yelling at me. I just smirk at the ludicrousness of the fact that out of everything that's going on, Effie's chastising me because she's worried about how me drinking might affect my manners. Like I really care.

"So, what? I can do what I want. Given the circumstances, I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to get as drunk as I'd like. And even if I'm not supposed to, who really gives a shit?" I take another large gulp of the bottle, to prove my point. Effie is clearly appalled by my lack of manners, but I don't have the capacity to deal with her etiquette rules right now. "Also, all my friends are murderers, so people aren't exactly going to stop me." I see Gale nod and shrug in agreement. I walk to my train compartment and slam the door, not coming out for lunch or dinner.

Around eleven, Gale comes in my room, and sits down next to me in my bed. He wraps his arm around me, and I lay on his chest. Someone might mistake this gesture for romantic affection, but it's not. If Gale still has feelings, he's smart enough to not bring them up, or even hint at them. I know it's just the right thing to do, (Effie would compliment his etiquette) but I honestly appreciate it. Everyone seems to want to fuck me – it's tiring. All I really want to do is hug someone and just have a friend. That's why I'm so fortunate to have Gale. We say nothing, but the absence of words speaks fine for itself. There aren't any words to describe how screwed up everything is right now. And there is no solution. No matter how this ends, it won't end well. I have to give Snow some credit – I don't think anyone saw this coming, and it's perfect. Everyone will be devastated, no matter who the winner is. He really is evil, but is very good at doing just that.

After what seems like a lifetime, Gale finally says something. "You know, no matter what happens, it's always gonna be you and me. It's been you and me since I found you in the woods that winter six or seven years ago. I know, I know. You have Abs Odair, and I really like Cashmere, but that doesn't mean we've never had anything." He looks at my face to try and read my expression. I'm very confused. "Look, what I'm saying is that you're always gonna be my best friend, and no matter who wins this – whether its you or me or someone else, knowing you has been amazing, and I'm so glad to have been your friend." I tear up a little, and it's so sweet, I kiss Gale on the forehead. He hugs me tightly.

I fall asleep, and when I wake from a nightmare involving the victor-tributes from Districts 5 and 6, Gale is gone. I'm wide awake, my heart is pounding, and my forehead is shiny with sweat. I order some tea, and drink it one gulp, ignoring the burning sensation on my tongue. I feel the sleep syrup that I added begin to kick in, and I drift out of consciousness again. That doesn't last long, and around three in the morning, I give up and down the rest of the bottle of alcohol, letting it put me to sleep. It's not a half-bad idea.

When I wake, we're about half an hour away the Capitol, and it's almost noon. I take a quick shower, and fix my makeup. I have to look perfect. Somehow, I'm not hung over at all, and can focus on what I'm doing. I put on a tight yellow skirt and matching pumps with a short white jacket. My makeup is subdued – a pale reddish pink lipstick and some grey eyeliner. I don't even bother with a shirt since the jacket's zipped up. When I see Effie, she still seems a bit mad at me, but a lot less than yesterday. She even compliments my outfit choice. My pride stops me from apologizing, I still don't think I'm in the wrong. Then again, Effie isn't either. Whatever.

We pull into the station, and the crowd is going crazy for both of us. I smile and wave at them, moving my hips a little more than usual when I walk. I know how to act in the Capitol, and it's different from how I act back in 12. Gale still hasn't figured out how to do that, and he doesn't interact with the fans at all. I pout my lip a little. That's no way for him to get sponsors.

The training center lobby is packed, with everyone coming in at the same time. The escorts seem out of place, with the majority of the victors and mentors the same age, and both older than the escorts. The escorts don't really let anyone talk to other districts. It's weird, seeing the mentors I've seen over and over, and not being able to even say hi. I see Gloss and Cashmere, and I just give them a small smile and wave a little. I can't even go over to them. Gloss nods at me, and Cashmere smiles at me, then winks at Gale, who blushes. "You like her." I tease him gently. He says nothing, but cracks a smile. I look across the room, and see the back of a familiar bronze-haired boy. Finnick. I can't stop myself, and I'm running across the large open room. All eyes are focused on me, but I don't care. As I get closer, he turns around, and smiles. I hug him tightly, and he picks me up and spins me around. I squeal a little, and notice his district escort give me a dirty look. I don't really care. I give him a quick but passionate kiss. "Hey." I smile at him.

"Hey yourself." He responds playfully, yet there's an underlying sadness to his tone. Not that it's unexpected. "I missed you. You look good." Finn looks me up and down. His escort tells him that he needs to go, and he rolls his eyes. He pulls me in for a longer kiss, and I don't pull away until I realize that I need to breathe.

"Get a room!" Gloss yells. Cashmere giggles, but says nothing. I laugh, and stroke Finn's cheek.

"See you later." I turn away, and walk back to Effie, Haymitch and Gale. I ignore the stares of everyone in the room, and walk over to my team. "What?" I ask them. They don't say anything, and we make our way to the very familiar training center apartments. "I've spent too much time here." I frown at Haymitch. He laughs.

"You've spent too much time here? Okay." He rolls his eyes dramatically. He's spent 25 years coming back here every year, this is my third.

"I lost my virginity here." I point out. I hear Gale make a gagging noise.

"We knew that, sweetheart." Haymitch chuckles.

I huff, stubbornly. "That doesn't mean I like it here."

Effie pouts, sounding personally offended. "Whats wrong with the Capitol?"

"It's not the Capitol Effie... it's that I'm going to be in the arena with a bunch of my friends." The first part is a complete lie, but she doesn't need to know that. I walk into my room and drop my bag, coughing at the overwhelming smell of roses. Draped on my bed is a black dress and an address. Great. "Looks like I won't be here for long." I roll my eyes. Haymitch pats my shoulder. "I don't even know why I need to, I'm already dead."

"Katniss, don't even start." Haymitch warns me. "I've seen what happens first hand. Just get it over with." Effie just looks confused. It's one, I'm meeting with Cinna at three. I assume this appointment will last an hour, and I'll get back here in time. I slide into my prep team's keeping at 3:01. They all seem happy to see me, but they're very unhappy with the Quell. Venia can't stop crying, and Octavia is sniffling. Flavius manages to hold it together. They work on me in silence, waxing the stubble on my legs and underarms, and soaking me in various creams and solutions. They pluck my eyebrows, trim the split ends off my hair, and paint my nails a deep purple. My makeup is dark and smoky, with purples, greys and blacks. When it's done, they bring me to Cinna.

When he walks in, I jump up and hug him, ignoring the fact that I'm only in my underclothes. I don't know what to say, so I just embrace him tightly until he pulls away. "It's good to see you Katniss. I've missed you. I hate to see you like this. How are you?" Cinna gives me this sympathetic look that makes me feel like I'm a kicked puppy or abandoned baby.

"Honestly, I'm not that good. Actually, I'm worse than that. I'm miserable. But let's not even talk about that. I don't wanna wallow in self-pity." I give Cinna a small close-mouthed smile in an attempt to prove that I'll be alright. I don't know if it works, so I change the subject. "So what's with the makeup?" I ask him. The creams and pinks have been replaced with purple in black.

"Well, you're not a little girl anymore. You and your cousin, Gale are going to be the youngest ones in there. I figured it couldn't hurt to have you look mature. You've gone through a lot these past two years." Cinna explains and then pauses for a minute, contemplating something for a minute. His voice drops to a much quieter tone "I've seen photos in the press, I'm not ignorant like most of us Capitol people. I know what you have to do, and I'm so sorry." I start to tear up again. I've been pretty emotional these past few weeks. Cinna strokes my cheek, and kisses my forehead. "Don't you dare mess up your eye makeup. It's gonna be okay. Now, lets get onto your costume." Cinna puts me in a translucent dark grey body suit, with flecks of black coal-powder placed to cover me. There's a little button on my wrist. Cinna pushes it, and I stare at my reflection in the mirror, stunned. "You're not the girl _on_ fire. This time you're the fire."

I'm speechless. "Wow. It's... amazing." I look so different from how I did two years ago. Not in the literal sense – I grew an inch, gained quite some weight, and filled out in my breasts and hips. But instead of the pale pink lipstick I have dark purple. Instead of crème blush and a little eyeliner, I have long fake eyelashes (which look like small caterpillars) and dark smoky eyes with kohl eyeliner, deep color on my defined cheekbones and penciled-in eyebrows. I look a lot more mature. I don't even recognize myself. "Thank you." I'm not sure what I'm thanking him for, whether it's his genius ideas and designs, or his ways of helping me in the toughest times when I need it the most. Gale's in an identical outfit, but it's been altered for a guy. He doesn't have any makeup, but they put some type of gel in his hair to stand up a bit more than usual. My hair is straightened and in a sleek high ponytail. Not one strand is out of place.

When we get to the waiting area with the chariots, everybody is talking to each other. I'm caught off guard. Of course they are, they know each other. Haymitch is talking to Chaff, and his arm around Johanna, who's wearing a tree costume. Somebody squeals my name, and I turn around. It's Cashmere, Gloss and Blight. She's wearing a silk wine colored gown, and Gloss is wearing a matching suit. Luxury. The twins are classically beautiful – of course they can pull it off. She compliments my outfit, and hugs Gale, giving his butt a small pinch. He yelps. Blight looks amused. Gloss smirks at me. "So, I think everyone saw you earlier this afternoon. Jeez, you and Odair can't keep your hands off each other." He looks like he's about to say something, but just yells "Holy shit." Everyone turns around to stare. Before I can askwhy, I feel a pair of hands snake around my waist and suck on my neck. "Nice outfit." Gloss laughs. I turn around, and meet Finnick's lips with mine. Somebody coughs loudly and I pull away. I look him up and down.

"Finnick, what the hell are you wearing?" I ask him, not sure whether I want to laugh or pity him. He's draped in a golden net that's strategically knotted at his groin. He can't be considered naked, but he's about as close as you can get. Finn's stylist might think that less is more with him. He looks hot. "Not that I really mind it." I add

"I like what you're wearing. You look absolutely terrifying. I like it, but I think it would look a lot better on my floor." He purrs. Cashmere shakes her head, laughing. He startles, as if he's remembering something. "Oh! I forgot to ask you. Want a sugar cube?" He opens his hand, and I see he has a stack of about twenty of them. "They're supposed to be for the horses, but who cares? They have years to eat sugar, whereas you and I; all of us – well if we see something sweet we better grab it quick." He drapes an arm around me, and turns to everyone else. "So, what are we doing tonight?"

"Let's stay in, just tonight." Gloss suggests. "We can drink some ridiculously expensive wine and gripe about our pathetic lives." Nobody can reply because the music has started. Gale and I make our way to the chariots. We switch on the costumes, and I notice all eyes are fixed on us. If they weren't already from both of my very public displays of affection with Finn earlier, and Gale's with Cashmere. Nobody knew that they had anything, except for within our friend group. My relationship has been in the tabloids.

The crowd cheers when they see us, and they go crazy. Just like they did when I had my fake-fire costume with Peeta two years ago. But Gale and I just stare at some imaginary point in the distance. We are above them. Finally, I can act like myself in the Capitol. It seems that even President Snow's eyes are focused on us, even during his speech. Directly after, we're escorted onto the elevator by very agitated Capitol attendants. They seem to have disliked the fact that the tributes were talking to each other. I see Johanna on line. She takes off her tree-branch crown and unzips her dress, stepping out of it. She just doesn't care. Johanna makes it into our elevator. She continues on to start a conversation with us in nothing but her green slippers. "Ugh. I hate my stylist. She's been putting us in repulsive tree costumes for the past forty years. When the elevator stops at 7, she proceeds to give me a hug, unaffected by her lack of clothes. "See you two after dinner." The doors close behind her. Gale and I turn to each other and burst out in simultaneous laughter.

I change into a black slip and put one of Finn's button-downs over it. I wipe off most of my makeup too, except for whats on my eyes. Effie seems shocked by my outfit, neither Gale nor Haymitch are fazed by it. That seems to be the majority of what I wear now anyways, and they've seen a lot more of me then Effie has. Cinna and Portia join us for dinner. We have a delicious strawberry soup, some type of vegetable salad, and each of us get a miniature turkey in a creamy sauce. I hate the Capitol with a burning passion, but I love their food. We all drink some red wine with dinner, except for Haymitch, who has his liquor. Before we even get to dessert, I feel a bit ill. I excuse myself and run to the bathroom, where all of the previous courses make a reappearance. Gale comes in, and helps me up. "What the hell? You're not even sick – you've been eating healthy, exercising, and you aren't even drunk. Why would you be throwing up?" He seems as puzzled as me, and calls for Haymitch.

Haymitch, who's more sober than usual, comes in and seems equally concerned. He's speaking with Gale in hushed tones, leaving me confused. Gale looks at me, seeming uncomfortable, "Not that I really want to know, but Katniss, when's the last time, you know, you got your... _girl thing_.

I pause, thinking about it. My period's always been a little off. Sometimes, I wouldn't get it for four, five months from the fact I've been so starved. The last time I've got it was a while ago. "Two weeks before the Quell was announced." I realize why he would ask. "Oh god. I'm not pregnant or anything. I'm so careful with what I do. I wouldn't let that happen with any of them, and Finnick wouldn't either. There hasn't been a time where-" I cut myself off. "There was this one time, right after the Quell was announced. We were really drunk, and I don't remember if we used protection. I don't think we did." I grip the edge of the toilet. "Holy shit." I whisper, in shock. "Maybe I am."


	25. Chapter 25

Oh my god. There's no word to explain the mixed emotions I feel. Am I happy? I don't think so. But I feel almost anxious. "It's probably the liquor." I backpedal a little, trying to assure Gale and Haymitch. In all honesty, I'm probably just trying assure myself. "Food poisoning from lunch. I ate that fish, and nobody else did. It _did_ taste a little funny. That's what it is, until I say so. And nobody tells Finnick, except for me. Got it?" Gale nods and Haymitch doesn't say anything at all. I wonder what he's thinking.

Effie and the stylist looked concerned when we reappear at the table. "Katniss, are you alright? I heard you throwing up." Effie looks genuinely concerned for my well-being. I feel bad for thinking she really doesn't care.

"I think it was that fish I had at lunch." I lie smoothly. "Looking back it did taste a little off. I'm fine, don't worry." Gale gives me a nervous look, but I'm not worried about Effie not buying it. She's not the suspicious type. Cinna raises an eyebrow at me, but doesn't say anything. "What's for dessert?" I ask, trying to take the conversation away from me. It's easy enough to do. We order chocolate covered strawberries, and little fruit-shaped marzipan pastries. They're delicious, and I eat half of the strawberries on the platter. They're a lot bigger than the wild ones Gale and I would sometimes find at home.

After dinner, I excuse myself and go back to my room. I dig through everything in the bathroom, and try to find a pregnancy test. I've only seen one in my life, when a young woman came to my mother a few years back complaining of symptoms that are common in a pregnancy. I can't find it. As if he reads my mind, Gale comes in holding a pink box. He gives me a small reassuring smile, and hands it to me. "I thought you might want this. Do you want me to stay?" I say nothing, but nod at him and open it. I have to pee on a stick for it to work. I make Gale get out while I do that, and then I have to wait. "How long?" Gale asks me.

"Five minutes." I sigh. I sit on the floor of the bathroom, and lean my head on Gale's shoulder. "I don't know what I want to see. I mean, I can't be a mother. I just – no. And even if I am, I'm probably gonna die in the arena anyways. And if I get home, my mother will kill me. Besides, if I make it home, it'll be without Finnick, the twins, Jo, or you. Or any of them, for that matter."

"You and Haymitch can raise it together." Gale suggests jokingly. He means to cheer me up, but I don't feel better at all. I do, however crack a smile. Gale looks serious for a minute. "Honestly, I don't think you are. You would be at almost four months, right? And you don't look pregnant. Besides, you've been drinking. A lot." Back in District 12, we don't have the best medical knowledge by a long shot, but one thing that we do know for sure – hell, that everyone knows, is that drinking and pregnancy doesn't mix. The babies come out with birth defects, they call it. They're sickly and barely make it past the age of two or three. I wouldn't wish that on any child, or any parents for that matter. The test dings like a kitchen timer, signaling that my results are ready. I begin to breathe heavily in anticipation. Gale puts his hand on my shoulder to calm me down. "Just look at it." He glances at the result on stick, his expression unchanged, and hands it to me. I don't look at it.

I pick up the white stick face-down, and snap it in half on my knee. I throw the two pieces down the toilet and flush it, with a sense of termination in the action. "I can't be at my best if I think there's a child in my stomach. If I win, I'll worry about it." I never wanted kids. Chances are, they'll get reaped too. "We're telling Haymitch it came out negative. Besides I think I would've felt it by now if I was pregnant." Gale says nothing, but shakes his head at me. He doesn't think I did the right thing. I made my decision. Besides, if I decide I want to know, I'll just ask him.

"You're not pregnant, Katniss." Gale tells me, sighing. "This was a lesson. Don't be stupid again." Gale shakes his head and helps me up, giving me a hug. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in. We walk out of my room, and Haymitch is waiting for us. He takes a swig of his liquor, and extends his arm, offering to me. Silently asking if I'm pregnant or not. I smile and take a small sip. Haymitch smiles and pats my back. "She's negative." Gale mumbles, so only the two of us can hear.

"Let's go downstairs already?" I suggest. Haymitch fills up his bottle up, and declines. I shrug, and reapply my mascara. I push four and get in the elevator with tGale. When we get there, Johanna is there but the twins aren't. Mags isn't there either, apparently she went to six to see a few of her friends as well. Two people come over to greet us with Finnick – a forty year-old man who smiles at me like he knows me, and he has his arm around a dark-haired woman who does not look like she's from 4.

The man runs his hands through his perfectly styled hair. "So we finally meet. I'm Grant. We've talked on the phone before. This is my wife Natalie." I recognize them both from their games. They're maybe five or even ten years younger than Haymitch. I see Gale walk over to the bar and get something to drink. He sits down on the couch next to Haymitch and Jo.

Natalie breaks away from her husband and walks over to me, kissing my cheek. "It's great to meet you, Katniss. This one," she points to Finnick, "wouldn't shut up about you. He's the most annoying neighbor I've ever had." She yawns. "Don't have kids. Ever. Your sleep schedule gets so messed up." Gale chokes on his drink, and Johanna trains her heavily lined brown eyes on me.

Johanna cuts in. "Sorry to take her away for a second, but I really need to ask Katniss about Cinna's styles. You said you'd be here half an hour ago." We both know I didn't, but it doesn't matter. She drags me into a large walk-in closet, and gently pushes me against a rack of cashmere sweaters. "Katniss, are you fucking pregnant?" I look at her quizzically. She groans. "Don't play dumb. Your cousin over there almost gave himself a heart attack when Natalie mentioned kids, and he'd be the first person you told if you were knocked up. Oh jeez. Is it even Finn's?"

"Whoa whoa whoa." I put my hands up defensively. "I'm not pregnant. Look it's a really long story. But basically I realized I hadn't gotten my period in a few months, and I'm nauseous. But I took a test and I'm not pregnant. It would be his. One time we didn't use protection by accident, a few months ago. But I'm not."

Johanna tries to fix her disheveled spiky hair. "Good. Cause you've been drinking almost as much as Haymitch." As we walk back out she says loudly, "Cinna's just uh-mazing with velvet." Nobody seems to have missed us that much. Natalie and Gale are chatting with Finnick, and Grant and Cashmere are laughing at some old joke. Johanna laughs when the ding of the elevator doors open. "The party's here you guys," She deadpans.

Gloss and Cashmere step off the elevator, a large ice bucket in their hands. Cashmere says hello, and then slides on the couch, sitting next to Gale. He smiles at her and gives her a quick kiss. Haymitch rolls his eyes. On the other hand, Gloss is a lot more dramatic. "Holy shit. Everyone, look! The couple that can't keep their hands off each other are feet away from Finnick's room, yet they're not even looking at each other." Everyone laughs. Gloss hugs me. "I missed you, crazy girl."

I smile, and sit in between Cashmere and Finnick. I feel so mediocre and plain sitting around them. Cashmere isn't trying at all – her hair is in a messy bun and she only has a little bit of brown eyeshadow on. Yet, she's beautiful. And Finnick, he's the most wanted man in the world. And I'm just plain old Katniss Everdeen, with my dull brown hair and grey Seam eyes. _Stop it,_ I tell myself. _If Finnick Odair loves you, you can't look that bad._ I lean back on the grey couch. It's too stiff, and it feels like it needs to be worn in. Like my couch in the Victor's Village. "So, you guys." I get everyone's attention. "What are we gonna do tonight?" I ask. It was suggested that we stay in, but that just seems too boring.

"Well we all know who Finn's gonna do." Gloss interjects. I groan, and chuck a nearby pillow at him. "What? It's true." He puts his hands up in defense.

"Morphling. We could get some from the sixth floor." Johanna snarks. From what I've heard, she's not a huge fan of the older victors, especially the ones from District 6, 9, and 10. That's an extreme understatement. She hates them. I'm not really sure why, and I'd be dumb to ask. I just accept it at face value. Personally, I feel bad for the morphling addicts from District 6. That district in particular has a problem with morphling. The morphlings are skin-and-bones thin, with saggy yellow skin and eyes that seem too large for their face. It gives me a sick sense of hope that at least, they'll be easy to kill. I feel terrible for even thinking that.

"Screw this." Cashmere sighs, flicking her long blonde hair behind her shoulder. "We're going to a club, and we're gonna get drunk as fuck." I have a feeling she does this a lot. Cashmere and Peeta probably would've gotten along very well: they're both beautiful and have always had a circle of friends surrounding them. I shake my head. My days of sitting alone at lunch (or with Madge when she joined me) are far behind me. I'm Katniss Everdeen: the girl on fire, who's beautiful and desirable, and dating the most wanted man in Panem. Nobody moves, and we all just stare at her quizzically "Lets go people! Get dressed, and meet us on One in half an hour." I turn to head for the elevator with Gale, but I'm stopped. "Katniss, Jo, come with me." Cashmere brings both of us downstairs to the first floor. She opens up the door to her enormous closet, and I stare in awe. She seems to read my mind. "Take anything you want. Except for this." She pulls out a short, tight neon pink dress, and holds it up to her perfect body. "I'm wearing this one."

I thank her, and decide to find something that's me. I settle on a knee-length blue dress, but it's baggy and not something that Capitol Katniss would wear. Great. I throw it back in the closet, and take something else out. It's a short teal dress (that's still longer than Cashmere's) that hugs my body. It's a halter top that covers me mostly in the front, with only a thin sliver of cleavage visible. In the back, it's totally backless, and the back starts at my butt. It's perfect. Johanna's wearing a tight black dress, and isn't changing. But, she borrows a pair of Cashmere's shoes. I put on nude high heeled pumps and use liquid liner on my eyes that matches the color of my dress. I use pale pink lip gloss, but I don't look little-girlish at all. Johanna drops her shoe on the floor when she sees me. "Holy shit. Finn's really lucky, you know that?" We walk out of Cashmere's room, and the chatter stops. Gloss, Gale and Finn are all staring.

Gloss raises a glass of something (whiskey?) and smiles. "To Johanna's singleness, and our getting fucked up. Now let's get out of here." We all cheer, and Johanna laughs sarcastically and cracks a smile. I shoot her a look, and she shakes her head, not now. Apparently her and Haymitch broke up, and this is the first I'm hearing of it. That's probably why Haymitch didn't come down with us. We all get into a five seater. Johanna sits up front with the driver, and the rest of us squish into the back. I sit on Finnick's lap, and Cashmere on Gale's. Gloss is in the middle of us. "Don't give him a lap dance." Gloss laughs. I grind my hips on his lap, and Finnick groans in annoyance. I turn around and give him a peck, which turns into a full-on make out session until the car stops short and I almost fly out of the front of the car, but Finnick has his tanned arms around my waist.

"Let's try not to die until you get in the arena. Then, anything goes." Johanna laughs, even though it's not that funny. Finn's arms tighten around me. I laugh too. Everyone's laughing, except the driver, who's focuses intently on the road. "God, we're all really fucked up, aren't we?"

"You think?" Finnick laughs. "I never would've guessed. But Gale isn't that screwed up. He's a good kid." He smiles a little. It's true. And he's never had to mentor. I did it once and it was a terrible, stressful, nightmare-inducing, mess. We get to the club a few minutes later, and everyone piles out, thanking the driver. It's not even nine yet, and most people won't show up for at least an hour. There's loud music you can here from all the way outside. We form a weird formation as we all walk in, with me walking in the middle with my hand in Finnick's. The Capitol photographers and tabloid writers see us, and they snap photos; the flash from their cameras is blinding. I notice a lot of them focus on Finn and I. "You know, you look amazing." Finnick tells me, murmuring in me ear seductively. He turns to everyone. "Lets get a few drinks first?"

Johanna gets a shot of vodka, the guys all get some type of whiskey, and Cashmere and I get cranberry juice with vodka. It's sweet and it burns less than drinking alcohol straight from the bottle. We wait at the bar for a little, and then head to the dance floor. The club is playing some song that sounds almost mechanical, or the music is created on a computer. I don't any instrument could recreate the sound. I dance like everyone in the Capitol does: grinding on Finn. It's kind of uncomfortably sexual, so I stop. It seems too public, too inappropriate. I see Johanna doing the same thing on some guy, and Gloss receiving the dance from a purple-haired woman who's eyelashes stick out half a foot. I smile at Finnick, and kiss him. I've never been a fan of PDA, but it's about what they want to see. They, meaning the Capitol. I stopped caring about what Snow wanted about four months ago, when his puffy lips read out my fate on a yellowing card that was supposedly written down two weeks ago. Supposedly.

"Are you alright?" Finnick whispers in my ear, sounding slightly concerned. I smile and nod, hopefully convincing. It's not that anythings wrong, but that nothing ever seems to be right. I just wanna forget about my whole life, and have some fun. A slower pop love song comes on, and I turn around, putting my arms around his neck. We slow dance, and we never break eye contact for the four minutes that the song plays. The world melts away, and I just stare at Finn. The only good that's come of anything recently is having Finnick, and getting out of poverty. My mind floats to Prim and my mother. I might never see them again. Rory will be there for Prim, and they'll take care of VIck and Posy if needed. Haymitch will be there for Hazelle and my mother. They're gone, I need to move on.

"Let's get another drink." I suggest. We walk over to the bar, and Finn orders some drink for both of us that I've never seen. It's good, and I feel tipsy. The alcohol makes me less inhibited. I've spent most of my waking hours drunk, not that I really mind. That's a bad thing, but my days are probably numbered. They play some upbeat song, and the whole room seems to shake. Cashmere comes up out of nowhere, and drags me away from Finnick. I shoot him an apologetic look. "You must really like this song." I tell her, commenting on Cashmere's enthusiasm. She's dancing with everyone, and has quickly formed a small circle with Jo and a few other girls. They look Capitol, but seem to be friendly with victors.

"Understatement of the year." She smiles at me, laughing a little. Cashmere seems so much older than me, but is only two years older. She won the 68th games when she was 13, so that makes her twenty. She sticks out her perfectly manicured hand, and grabs mine. "Dance with me!" Cashmere's face softens a little when she sees my expression, and she drops her voice to just audible. "It'll be fun. But are you alright? What's up?" I shake my head and dance with her. None of them seem to not understand how I'm not excited to be a tribute again. Which is weird since none of them seem the slightest bit worried about the Games, about having to kill their friends. I do dance with her for a little, but I'm not really in the mood. I walk over to the bar and order a soda with rum, and sit next to a slightly intoxicated Gale.

"You don't seem very excited to be here." I smile at him, taking a sip of my drink. Gale looks at me like I'm a moron, and shakes his head, finishing his drink and slamming the cup on the table.

"Well, nobody is." Gale rolls his eyes, acting like Johanna. He sighs, and turns to me. "We're the youngest. While that could be good, it also means that we're targets. Catnip, don't you get it? The others: Chaff, Mags, even your boyfriend Finnick – have known each other for years. They've known you for less than a year, and me for a few days. We'd be the easiest to be killed." I frown. I meant he didn't seem happy to be at the club.

I muss up Gale's hair a little. "I don't know what I want. I don't think I want to win, but I don't wanna die. Regardless, I just wanna have fun. You should too. We can spend our time here enjoying our last days, or dreading them. And there's nothing wrong with the former." I finish my drink, saving Gale the last sip. "Let's go start some drama."

I pull Gale onto the dance floor, against his will. We find a wasted Johanna, who's all over everyone. She hugs Gale and starts grinding on him, to Cashmere's dismay. Gloss is with Finnick talking to some Capitol women. They both come over when I motion to them. Gloss tears Cashmere off Jo. "I think it's time to go." Gloss decides. Nobody argues, and we head out back to the training center.

When we get into the lobby, it's still early. The clock reads a little after ten thirty. We all go back up to 4, except Johanna, who's deposited in her room by two unhappy-looking Capitol attendants. Grant and Natalie are playing cards with a somewhat sobered up Haymitch, and they seem happy to see us. Grant mutters to Finnick something about nuts and volts, and a meeting. Finnick shrugs. I think of how Finnick didn't let Grant volunteer for him. Was it because Grant has a family, or because Finn didn't want to seem weak, or maybe something different entirely? I don't really know.

We all chat for a while, and then slowly, we all retire to our rooms. Cashmere seems tired, and the only person she says goodbye to is me. She gives me a small hug, brushes her lips across my cheek, and tells me, "Make sure to look around during training, I'll be the one with the knives." Gloss goes with her and bear-hugs me. Unlike his sister, he says goodbye to everyone else. I've never really understood Cashmere and Gloss' dynamic. Gloss is a few years older than Cashmere, but she seems to control him without even trying.

Haymitch is inebriated and laying on the couch, grumbling about something that we're smart enough to tune out. I sigh, and realize I need to take care of my mentor. I embrace Finnick, and give him a peck on his soft lips. "Come upstairs later? I really need to tuck this one in." I say goodbye to Grant and Natalie, and Gale and I manage to get Haymitch upstairs. Between the two of us, he's not that heavy to carry. Effie seems appalled when she sees his state, but says nothing. A male avox helps us get Haymitch into bed, and then I just sit in the living room with Effie, Gale and the stylists.

After a moment, Effie starts a conversation. "Katniss, how's Finnick? Well, I mean we only see a little bit of him on the television every once in a while. Is he like that in real life?"

"Depends. Sometimes he's a jerk." Gale slurs. I throw a pillow at him.

I stare at Gale, somewhat disgusted at his choice of words. "Do you have a death wish? You may be my best friend, but I happen to be dating someone with a body count of twelve. Yours is what, one?" I turn to Effie and the stylists. "No, he's not a jerk. He's really sweet, and he gets me." I could go on forever about how amazing Finnick is. I'm drunk, but I'm not watching what I say. For Gale's benefit, I throw in, "and he's just great in bed."

"That's cause he's a slut." Gale retorts. I laugh, and roll my eyes.

"Because you know everything about him." I sigh. I thought Finnick and Gale were getting along. Finnick seems to like him, or at least not have a problem with him. Gale, on the other hand, has a hatred for Finnick that seems almost irrational. Haymitch says it's because he likes me, but I think it's more than that. I don't know what though.

"Do you?" Gale points out. He takes my silence as a no, and he's completely right. "Exactly."

I groan in frustration. "I'm going to bed. I have training in the morning. Yes Effie, I'll be up by nine for the ten o'clock start." I'm about to turn and stumble into my bed, when I see that Finnick's shown up, and is casually leaning against the frame of the doorway into the living room. "Finn. Hallelujah. Gale was just explaining his unnecessary hatred of you because you're hotter. I'll be in my room." Finnick just runs his hand through his hair, and stares at Gale for a minute. If looks could kill.

He turns to Effie and the stylists, greeting them charmingly. He compliments Cinna and Portia on their amazing designs, and tells Effie her hair is beautiful. He takes off his shirt as he walks into my room. I know he's showing off to rub it in Gale's face. I think it's funny. He throws his shirt at me, and I put it on. He takes off everything but his boxers, and lies in bed with me. He stares at me for a while. "You're beautiful." He tells me, and kisses me softly. My hands get tangled in his hair.

"Hey, Finn?" I ask him. I don't even want to have sex tonight, or do some lovemaking or whatever corny phrase they use. "Can we just lay here, for a while?" He nods. Finnick strokes my cheek, and holds me tightly in his strong arms. I feel safe. He pushes my long hair off my shoulder, and trails light kisses from the nape of my neck to my shoulder blades.

"I love you, girl on fire." He tells me. "I want to spend all of my time left with you." _His time left._ That means he doesn't think he's going to get out of the arena. I shake my head, and crane my neck to kiss him goodnight. Before I drift off into sleep, a question crosses my mind. If nobody is planning to make it out of the arena alive, then who will?


	26. Chapter 26

I wake up to the sunlight streaming in through the open blinds. I roll over and see that the other side of my bed in unoccupied, but still warm. Finnick must have just left to go downstairs. Training starts at 10 o'clock sharp. According to the modern blue crystal alarm clock on my nightstand, it's a few minutes before nine. Effie wanted us to eat breakfast at nine thirty. I quickly run through the shower, only washing my body, face and hair. I don't even put any of the lotions or cremes on. I let my hair air-dry and only apply a little eye makeup: some cat-eye liquid liner and three thick coats of mascara. There's no point in face makeup, since I'll probably sweat it off. And Finnick always messes up my lipstick, so I just swipe on a coat of lip balm.

I put on the black suit that all the tributes where to go into the arena with a small embroidered 12 on my sleeves, between my elbows and shoulders. I get outside to the dining room and the avoxes are putting a beautiful breakfast display on the table. I see eggs, meat, cheeses, pastries and at least five different types of juice. I pour myself a cup of coffee and add some milk to it. Effie makes the avox pour my orange juice. I get my own toast and put my own butter on it. If I've lasted days at a time without food, I think I can make my own. I sit down next to Gale, and nod hello at Haymitch, who's nursing a hangover. Effie is chipper, but nobody's really in the mood to talk.

At a few minutes before ten, Effie stands up to bring us down, but Haymitch stops her. "They're already the youngest. They don't need an escort." Effie huffs, and settles for tucking a loose strand of my hair behind my ear. The rest is perfectly braided like I used to always have it. Haymitch offers us some advice before we go down, "Make some friends. That'll be hard for you, sweetheart. But you need allies." I roll my eyes and Gale laughs a take the elevator down on our own. Even though we're a little late, we're pretty much the first people there. Brutus and Enobaria are practicing using spears, and Seeder is chatting with Cecelia over by the fire-making station. Woof and Chaff are drinking. Gale and I split up. I decide to practice knot-tying.

After completing a complicated knot, I look up and see the two victors – rather, tributes from District 3. The man Beetee, seems fidgety. His glasses are too large for his face. I know the woman Wiress. She's shy but is kind. I met her after the end of my victory tour last year, the same time I met Cashmere. They both smile kindly at me. "Katniss, right? It's a pleasure to meet you." Beetee introduces himself, and finally completes his knot. I hear conversations and that Johanna is naked again, and oiling her breasts up for wrestling. Cashmere and Gloss are making hammocks, and Blight is throwing knives.

"Yeah. It's nice to meet you too." I try to sound enthusiastic. I don't have a problem with either of them, but the more people I know, the less I want to kill them. We talk for a little about things unrelated to the games, like our talents. Both of them invent things. Mine is singing. Cinna and I picked it since I already can sing, it doesn't require any work. Gale hasn't picked one, and doesn't need to. I'm about to ask them about District 3, when we hear a screech. The man from 5 has thrown up all over Enobaria's feet. She's muttering death threats, and seems serious. I frown. The man from 5 is dragged off by some Capitol attendants to be cleaned up. I say goodbye to Beetee and Wiress, and decide to find Gale. He's at snares, working on them. "Why are you here? You already know everything." I ask, joining him at the station.

Gale smiles at me, sadly. We'll never go hunting again. I watch his strong but careful hands weave the trap so fast they seem to blur. The man at the station claps and compliments Gale on his skill. I work on a less impressive snare, that doesn't turn out half-bad. I've never been too good at making them. Gale laughs at my effort. "Okay Catnip, I think we both know who the winner of that was. I have an idea, why don't you use the bow and arrow? I feel bad, you should get to win for once." I punch his shoulder lightly. But he does make a point. During the training for my games, I hid my talents, and didn't get to use the bow and arrow during training, until my private session.

The trainer at the archery station was impressed with my skills during my games, and she gives me advanced targets to use. I hit all of them perfectly. She decides to take these dummy birds, and throw them up in the air, with me having to shoot them down. It's a lot like hunting, and even though it's kind of stupid, I like it. I hit them right through where the eye would be. After I hit the tenth in a row, I realize I hear the thud of each bird on the floor. I turn around and see that literally everyone is watching me. Some are impressed, others look jealous. Finnick comes up to me and wraps his arms around my waist. I didn't even see him. "I think that's the best I've ever seen."

"Besides last night!" Gloss hollers across the room. I get dirty looks from some of the other victors. I jokingly aim my bow at Gloss, and he stops laughing. Good move on his part. We all break for lunch, and the victors push the tables together so we all can eat together. I sit in between Cashmere and Finnick and the large circular table, with Gale next to Cashmere, and Johanna and Gloss on the other side of Finn. We walk around to all the buffet tables of food. I don't have much of an appetite. I get a small bowl of miniature vegetables floating in a butter sauce, and some cranberry with vodka. Do I have a drinking problem? I don't think so. I tend to think less about everything terrible when I'm drunk, so who wouldn't mind. Good thing I'm not pregnant. That would suck.

Finnick eyes my small lunch warily. "I'm really not hungry." I explain, "I had a big breakfast." That is true, but it's not the reason I'm not eating a lot. Honestly, I don't think I could keep it down. I'm so sick from stress and constant worry about the future. I feel like I'm being kept out of the loop – as if there's some unspoken conversation among all the victors, and I'm the only one not aware of what's going on. I shake those thoughts out of my head with a sigh. Finnick and I know everything about each other that's relevant. He doesn't know about some of my time with Gale, and I don't ask about his previous relationships with Annie and Johanna.

After lunch, Finnick gives me an hour of trident lessons in exchange for me giving him archery lessons. I'm hopeless with tridents. It's too different from anything I'm used to. Finnick's not that much better. His grip is too hard on the bow, and almost breaks the thin arrows. We'd both be better off sticking to our weapons of choice. Johanna and Blight are giving Gale axe lessons, and Gloss comes over to teach us how to throw knives.

I've always been fascinated with throwing knives, and the precision required. It's a skill that's very difficult to master, from what I've heard. I remember Clove, the girl from District 2. She almost killed me in my games, but she was really good. I watched her a lot during training. She got a really high training score, maybe an eight or nine. Gloss is just as good, even better than her. "What you have to do," he explains to Finn and I: "is to not be afraid of a knife. Just aim it and release. Push it, don't throw it." After a few more demonstrations, it's our turn to try. Finnick throws it pretty well, and hits a little down and left of the bulls eye on the dummy. What surprises me (and the boys too) is how well I do. I curl my hand around the cool metal of the knife, and throw it. It hits in the center perfectly. They both clap in slight shock and approval.

I throw a few more and get similar results. Maybe this is for me. "Most friends spend time hanging out and playing games. We practice throwing knives." I point out to Gloss. All three of us laugh. Nobody ever said we were normal, and we aren't. I'm still in disbelief that the closest friends I've ever had are killers prostitutes from inner districts. Then again, I still haven't even come to terms with my whole games. I'm terrible at letting things sink in. I also haven't fully acknowledged that in a few days, my death is almost imminent. I don't want to die, but what I know for sure is that I don't want to come out of those games alive without everyone I care about. I guess I'll have to pick one.

Training ends at three, and then we have down time for the rest of the night. Most floors have dinner at seven or eight. Unlike most tributes, I have people to see. Today I have three appointments, one at four, one at four thirty, and one from five to six thirty. This gives me enough time to get back in time for dinner, which is nice. I put on my extremely uncomfortably revealing lingerie, that probably costs a fortune. I find it ridiculous since there's so little fabric on it. I put on an electric blue slip dress, and a pair of matching blue heels. I touch up my mascara, and slip out of the floor almost unnoticed. Cinna looks me up and down and shakes his head sadly. I don't know if it's because my fashion isn't up to par with his designs, that the dress is so revealing, or that he knows about what I do. I don't have time to think about that.

As I'm saying goodbye to my last client of the day, who graciously bought me the most extravagant diamond bracelet I've ever seen, the phone rings. Usually this isn't a big deal at all – all homes in the Capitol have phones, just like in the victor's village. But he gives me a confused look as he listens to whoever's on the other side of the conversation. He stops me as I'm leaving, and shrugs. "It's for you. Usually he just checks up to see if I was satisfied – which I was, believe me – but he also asked if he could speak to you." He hands me the phone, and walks over to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine.

The voice on the other line is clear, and I know who's going to be speaking before I put it to my ear. "Hello, Miss Everdeen," the cool voice greets me. I shiver. "It _really_ has been a while since we've had a chat. I don't think we'll have the chance, well... ever again." Snow clears his throat, and continues. "Anyways, you have a client added onto your schedule. Get in the car outside the apartment your in now. The driver will take you there. Clear?" Before I even can respond, he adds on one more thing. "Oh and Miss Everdeen, you better be careful in that arena. You have some fatally clumsy family members back home." The line goes dead. I let the phone slip out of my hand, and ignore it when it falls on my foot. What does that even mean?

I know what Snow means: it's quite obvious really. Play the part, because I can kill your family after you've died. But why is he reminding me? He knows very well that it's my top priority. Does he want me to come out of the arena alive, for the sake of selling me more? Not likely. And what's with the dinner date? I shake my head. I can think about these things later.

My date meets me at a large building in the middle of town. The ground floor looks like a hotel lobby, which means he must also have a hotel room reserved. The lobby has clear glass windows, and is in a tourist-filled area. Whoever I'm meeting must want to show me off. I'm surprised at my date. He's young. Most of the men I sleep with are at least thirty. But he must be in his early twenties, and looks to be around Finnick's age or even younger. He's very attractive by the Capitol's standards. Surely, Finnick and Gloss and even Gale (who I've never found attractive, even though he his handsome) are better looking. I suddenly recognize him. His name is Thomas Diamond. He's a famous television and movie star in the Capitol. That explains a lot. Thomas comes over to me, and gives me a friendly smirk. He gives me a small embrace and his lips graze my cheek. "Hello, Katniss. You look lovely tonight. Can I get you a drink?" To anyone around, we must look like old friends. Of course, all the famous and beautiful people know each other.

I walk with him to the bar. The yellow and orange haired woman behind the bar can't stop gawking at Thomas. I try not to laugh at her. He orders bourbon on the rocks, and I get a diet soda with rum. I'm less unhappy with having to sleep with him. I know for a fact he doesn't have a wife or children and he hasn't gone overboard with the Capitol's alterations. From what I've heard, he was born in District 2, and moved here with his family maybe five years ago. His mother was a victor fifty or so years back, and she waited a while to have kids. I know nothing about him, except some say he's one of the most handsome people in the Capitol. Thomas must be in the top ten. I'm lucky enough to share a bed with number one. If Finnick wasn't as attractive as he is now, I'd still love him. I care about his personality, and I love him because of who he is and what we've been through. That being said, I don't mind that he's – for lack of a better word – gorgeous. He's the most sensual person I've ever met.

We have a little small talk over our drinks. He talks about his movie career, and I talk about preparing for the games. He seems sad when I mention that I probably won't be coming back. I shrug. "It's really okay. I'm not that bothered by it."

A few drinks later, he brings me to a small hotel room on the third floor. I have my dress on the floor when he stops me. "I wanted to talk to you – I think it can wait until after, actually." I smile, and crawl on top of him, taking charge.

 

"So, Katniss. I really need to talk to you." There's a sense of urgency in Thomas' voice. I shrug, listening. I pull the blanket up, covering my breasts, and begin to braid my tangled hair. "I didn't just come here to, well have sex with you. I can do that with whoever I'd like, really." I laugh a little. _Someone's_ a bit cocky. "What I mean is that I'm not some desperate fifty-year old man. I need to tell you somethings that will become very important in the coming days. There's a plan going on. I've been sworn to secrecy, and that's for your protection and mine. I have to tell you this without telling you anything. It's quite frustrating on my part. But I promise you it'll be worth it. My advice to you is to go with your gut, and to remember what you're fighting for. I have to go now, it – it starts at midnight."

I barely have enough time to take in what he's saying before all of his clothes are back on, and my dress and bra is thrown at me. Thomas winks at me and tucks my underwear into his pants pocket. I roll my eyes. He waits for me to get dressed, and then gives me a large hug. I'm caught off guard by the action. It's so kind and out of place. He whispers in my ear. "I know it's hard on you, but it'll be over soon. I'll see you soon. Oh and Katniss, tell Finnick I say hi?" He laughs and walks me into my car. I don't even know what to make of this. I had very good sex with a movie star, who's friends with my boyfriend. And apparently there's a plan. I remember one thing Thomas said that sounded familiar. _It starts at midnight._ I knit my eyebrows in confusion. Plutarch Heavensbee said the exact same thing to me. That's when I realize it – the Gamemakers are friends with my friends. Maybe we can get one of them out alive. Maybe it's already been decided.

I'm exhausted by the time I get to the training center. It's eight. I make it upstairs in time to see Effie and the stylists eating their appetizers with Haymitch and Gale. I sit down across from Gale, who grimaces at me. "Jeez, Catnip. You smell like s- you smell terrible." I roll my eyes, and take a shot of vodka. A crease forms in between his eyes. "You really shouldn't drink that. Alcohol's okay every once in a while, but you drink so much."

"Lay off her, would you?" Haymitch grumbles, "You have no idea what you're talking about. You should be thanking Katniss for saving your ass. She's the only reason you made it out of that arena alive." I'm almost too stunned to realize that Haymitch of all people is standing up for me. Wow.

"And look how well that turned out! I'm going back in again." Gale fights back stubbornly. He'd be so much better off if he just knew when to not fight. Seriously, it's like he enjoys picking fights and getting on everyone's nerves. I'm hit with a terrible conclusion: why is my best friend the bad guy here? It used to be Gale and I against the world. We were best friends. And now it feels like he can't stand to be in the same room as me.

"You're the one who volunteered." Effie adds quietly, as if she's scared to confront us. I smile at her. "But Katniss, you might want to shower after dinner. I'm not quite sure where you were, my best guess would be the fourth floor. But hygiene is very important here in the Capitol, and you should take two showers daily, every day." Gale snickers, and mutters about being everywhere with everyone. Before I can stop myself, my fingers have left a small indent in the table from gripping so hard. Damn.

"Will you ever stop, Gale? I'd like for you to be here for me, but instead you just get upset with me over things that are out of my control. Can we just try to have a nice dinner?"

"What you've been through?" Gale insults me, looks disgusted. I see Haymitch clench his fist under the table; the veins on his arms are more visible.

I excuse myself from the table and slam the door to my room, locking it behind me. I want to be left alone. I don't know who I am anymore. The girl who had a pregnancy scare, the girl who's a murderer and has slept with almost a hundred men who's eighteen? That girl isn't Katniss Everdeen, she isn't me. But she is, and I don't even like what I've become.

A few minutes later – I don't keep track, maybe twenty or so, there's a loud knock on the door. "Sweetheart, let me in. If you don't, I'll kick down the door. And then Effie'll yell at both of us." I sigh, and open the door to let Haymitch in. It'd be funny to see the old drunk kick down the thick wood door, but the idea of Effie screaming at us is terrifying. Haymitch plops down on his bead, and hands me a pink glass. I grin at the gesture. "Vodka with cranberry. Just how you like it. Now we're gonna talk. You handled that pretty well. Your impulses will tell you to kill. Just save it for the arena. Trust me, you'd be in so much trouble if you killed him before the Games even started. And besides, I think you'd regret it if you killed him."

"I think that less and less every day." I admit. Honestly, I care about Gale. But I just can't deal with his attitude, and he's just... mean to me. I feel like there's something else going on that he's not telling me about. "I don't know how I'm going to do it in the arena. I don't wanna die, but if I had to come out of that alive, without Gale, Johanna and Blight, Cashmere and Gloss, without Finn, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Even if I hadn't killed them. I can't kill them. They're my friends." I would never ever kill any of them, under any circumstances. I ignore the fact that I almost killed Gale. We've been together for a little less than two years, and I still feel like I'd like to spend my whole life with him.

Haymitch chuckles a little and says nothing for a minute. He stands up to leave, and nods at me. Before Haymitch walks out, he quietly warns me: "I don't think I'll be much help to you this year, sweetheart. But let me tell you something anyways. You'll find out who your real friends as soon as you step off that plate in a few days."


	27. Chapter 27

The door to my room closes behind Haymitch, and I let his words sink in. Who are my real friends? I feel like he's hinting at something. Maybe those I have close to me aren't to be trusted. I shake my head, I'm being paranoid. That'll get me absolutely nowhere. I sip on my cranberry and vodka very slowly, and don't let go of the straw until I hear the slurping sound that means I finished it. I set the glass down on my nightstand, and take Effie's advice to run through the shower. My hair is sticking to my forehead and the nape of my neck with sweat. I smell like sex, which _is_ what I've been having. Still, it's not the most pleasant thing.

I step into the steam shower, and let the water pour over my naked body. I notice faint bruises forming on my hipbones, and giggle a little. I actually enjoyed myself with a client tonight. It's a strange new thing for me, getting pleasure out of sex. I like it a lot. Besides, not many people can say they've slept with both Thomas Diamond and Finnick Odair. I'm pouring shampoo onto my head, when I think I hear a noise, but ignore it. It must be someone outside, walking around. I'm suspicious when I hear the toilet seat close, and grab the removable shower head to hit whoever the intruder is. Luckily, that's not necessary. A very attractive, very naked Finnick Odair, opens the shower door. I just stare at him. I don't think I'll ever get tired of his beauty. He truly is something to look at. "Miss me?" He asks seductively and captures my lips in a bruising kiss. I moan a little into the kiss, and he smirks.

"Of course." I respond, washing the soap out of my hair. "During dinner, I almost killed Gale. You would've loved it." Finnick shoots me a look of bewilderment, and I frown.

Finnick's expression changes from shock and disbelief to amusement. He laughs at me, and I scowl. I'm not sure if he's laughing with or at me. But we both start laughing hysterically at how terrible and ridiculous it is. "He's not bad. I guess. But he must think we're crazy."

I respond in the same manner to him, "Finnick Odair. You're a twenty-four year-old who's dating an eighteen year-old, and you're a trident wielding, sometimes drunk prostitute who killed half the people in his arena, and is the most wanted man in the world. But I love you too." He smiles, letting me know he agrees wholeheartedly. Finnick wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me close, embracing me. We say nothing to each other, but there's nothing to say. There's so much love, but it'll all be gone so soon. I rest my head on his chest, and hum softly. "Let me get cleaned up." I say, reluctantly pulling away, to put conditioner in my hair. Finnick grabs the bottle out of my hands, and massages it into my hair, washing the sweet-smelling crème rinse it off after a minute.

We both get cleaned up, and Finnick dries me off. I kiss him again. His lips are intoxicating. I drag him out of the en suite bathroom and into my bedroom, never breaking contact with him. My hand entangles in his thick hair, and we end up horizontal on my bed. Not that I mind at all. We lay there naked, kissing for a long time. Time itself doesn't matter when I'm with Finnick. It's just him and me, and that's it. We stay in a state in between being awake and dreaming, until I'm jolted fully awake by a nightmare. Great. "Bad dream?" Finnick asks, yawning. It's three thirty in the morning. I nod. "Wanna talk about it?" I decline, and walk into the bathroom. I throw a pair of boxers at Finn, and throw on matching grey bra and underwear. "As much as I hate to see you covered up, that's probably a good idea, especially if Gale wakes you up."

I groan. I don't wanna talk about Gale. I crawl under the warm blankets, and cuddle with Finnick. I feel safe in his arms. We just lay there, not speaking for a while. Which is good. I don't want words right now. I think I drift off at one point, and I'm pretty sure Finnick jolts awake from a nightmare of his own. I don't move for however long it is until Gale comes in to wake us up, just like I predicted. He seems genuinely shocked to see us in bed together. "Why is he here?" Gale asks me, as if he really doesn't know why.

I roll my eyes, and sit up. "Well, he's my boyfriend and we only have a few days left together anyways. Get over it." I kiss Finnick dramatically, not moving my face from his until I hear the door close behind Gale. "Morning." I smile at him, putting on my jumpsuit. I walk over to the mirror and apply some eye makeup and lip gloss, so I look like my Capitol self.

Finnick yawns, and rolls out of bed. I've never looked the best right after I've woken up, but he looks cute. Then again, he always looks cute. "Why don't you come downstairs for breakfast?" I shrug, why not? I tell Effie where I'm going and let her know I'll get myself to the training center. She looks like she's about to protest, but Haymitch stops her.

"She's a grown up, I'm positive Katniss'll get herself to the right place. She's done it before." He defends me, and shoots me a look I can't decrypt. "Now you two get outta here."

"Bye Finnick." Gale dismisses us with an edge of harshness to his voice. I question him silently, but Gale ignores me. Finnick picks me up bridal style and carries me to the elevator. I hear Haymitch chuckle loudly, and Effie sniffles a little. Finnick doesn't put me down until the elevator doors close behind us.

"Would you two quit the whole love-bird shit?" Someone behind me says. I turn around and see Johanna rolling her chocolate brown eyes at me. Blights chuckling to himself at the table, eating a bowl of some type of rainbow colored children's cereal. "Finnick, can we talk for a minute?" She says it in a way that makes it not a question, but a demand. I shrug and pour myself a cup of mint tea. They come back a few minutes later, while I'm nibbling on a carrot almond muffin.

"What was that?" I ask when they both sit down at the table. Finnick mumbles something about how unfair something is, and how I'm always kept out of the loop.

"I was explaining why Haymitch and I broke up." Jo tells me. I can tell that she's somewhat telling the truth. "He wanted to tell you something, and I advised him against it, for your own sake." I feel bad – they pretty much broke up over me. Johanna laughs when she sees my expression, like she can read my mind or something. "No, it's much more than that. We didn't break up over you – you're not _that_ important. But I told him it's not important, because if you make it out of the arena alive, it'll concern you then. Not now. There's no point worrying you about things you don't need to know. Believe me, it's a lot better to be ignorant on this one." I don't disagree with her. I still feel like I'm out of the loop on a lot of things.

We all go downstairs a little after 10 o'clock for our training. We don't need to be on time, there's nothing really to do. Gale, who's at the snare station, keeps giving me dirty looks. I'm so tired of him and all his unnecessary drama. I walk over to him angrily and pull him away from his station. "I don't know what the hell your problem is, Gale. You keep shooting me these looks, and just being an asshole. But it ends right now. Right this second. Something is going on, and I'm sick of this. So just spit it out already. Tell me, goddammit."

Gale shakes his head. "You make everything about you. Wanna know what my problem is? You're reckless. I don't care about boo hoo hoo Katniss has to do this, suck it up. You drink and you sleep around, and you need to get yourself together already- " Gale cuts himself off, and takes a breath. "Look, whatever. You're not my family, and you mean a lot to me, you know that. You do stupid things and you still do stupid things. I want nothing to do with you or any of your 'friends'. We're all gonna die and the whole reason I'm in this situation is because of you. And that's the truth here."

I cross my arms, a new feeling coming over me. I feel... violent. I don't know what comes over me, but the next thing I say is, "I hope you die before we run into each other." I don't even think I mean it but my voice sounds foreign with those words coming out of it. I don't get to finish because Johanna has pulled me away and is sitting me down next to her, Gloss, Cashmere and Finnick.

"That's enough Katniss. Chill with the drama. Let's talk alliances. I think this year, we're the Careers." She points around to all five of us. All four of them kill like Careers, but only Cashmere and Gloss actually were in the Career packs in their respective Games. Johanna and Finnick went solo. I had two alliances throughout my time in the arena. Jo pulls me out of my thoughts. "Alright, Blight is teaming up with Nuts and Volts." She points to the victors from District 3, Wiress and Beetee. "We can't trust 2. Finn, do you want Mags? Districts five, six, and eight to eleven really don't have anyone special. And I'm pretty sure nobody here wants Gale." She says the last part loudly, and it has the desired effect. Gale turns around, and makes _that_ face where he's emotionally offended or hurt but doesn't want to admit it. I hate that face.

"I wan't Mags. No, I need her. We're not leaving her." Finnick adds quietly. I nod in agreement. Mags may not be the most agile or strong, but she's basically a mother to Finnick. Besides, she must know a thing or two, having seen every single Games. Sure, she won't be able to fight or defend herself that well, but intellectually, she's needed a lot. Also, I think everyone enjoys her company. She's like an aunt that takes care of you more than your parents, and you always like more.

"Sounds good to me." Cashmere nods, fixated on her bright pink nails. We all chat good-naturedly for a few minutes before Cashmere asks, "Hey, Katniss. Come with me to the bathroom?" I nod, and we walk to the oversized bathroom. For some reason, girls go to the bathroom in groups. I don't really get why, but I don't question it. While Cashmere uses the bathroom, I fix my hair in the floor-length mirror. Out of the corner of my eye, I notice a small scale under the sink. I slide it out, and step on it curiously. I've gained twenty pounds. I step on and off two more times, to see if the scale is off. Nope, I've gained weight. I'd like to think it's from all the muscle mass I gained training with Gale and Haymitch, but my stomach sticks out a bit more and my thighs look a little thicker. I pinch my stomach tentatively. It's squishy. Cashmere steps out of the stall and rolls her eyes at me. "You look fine. Yeah, you have gained a little weight since I saw you at your cousin's victory tour, but it isn't that noticeable. You look healthy, instead of scary skinny. Besides, it's not your fault the food is so much better here." I shrug, and we walk back out. I believe Cashmere, she wouldn't lie to me, but she way she stares at me, as if she's studying me, gets me a little more than worried.

We break for lunch, and I go straight for the bar. "No you don't." Johanna pulls me away from the bar with her bare hands. "None of us are drinking. We need to focus today. And you can't focus if you're drunk." I groan, and settle for a soda instead. I understand Johanna's logic, but how many more drinks will I actually be able to have? Tonight is my personal training session, the day after is my interview, and then I'm in the arena. I decide to humor her. Johanna doesn't just decide to do things for no reason.

After lunch, I ignore everyone and shoot by myself. I'm not sure if I do it to blow off steam or just because it's so natural. I'm so engrossed I don't even here him come up behind me. I turn around, and see Gloss staring at me intently. "Where'd you learn to use a bow and arrow?" He asks me.

I put my bow down to answer him. "My father taught me before he died. The electric fence surrounding District 12 is almost always off, and the Peacekeepers really don't care. Every Sunday we'd go hunting. I could support a family of three by the time I turned twelve just with game." Gloss says nothing, but just stares in awe. His parents grew up rich and so did he and Cashmere – they've never been hungry a day in their lives, let alone starved. It's not their faults, they were just lucky. I could've been born in District 1, and would've lived happily with a full stomach and full training before I turned 12. I signal to the person at the archery station, and he throws the fake birds up again for me. I'm interrupted by Atala. She calls us all to the center of the room, and explains the private sessions with the Gamemakers to us, not that we haven't done it before.

We wait in the hallway, and I watch the crowd clear out one by one – Cashmere, Gloss, Enobaria, Brutus, Wiress, Beetee, Mags, Finnick, the tributes from 5 and the morphlings from 6, Johanna, Blight, Cecelia, Woof, the tributes from 9 and 10, Seeder, Chaff, and then it's my turn. Gale says nothing to me, and I say nothing to him, but I can't help to turn around and look at him before I walk in, and whisper good luck to him. He just nods.

Unlike last year, all the Gamemakers are watching me, waiting to see what I'll do. I notice a small clear ripple that looks like exhaust on a hot day. It's a force field. I smile to myself, they must have put it up after I shot the arrow at Seneca Crane. I contemplate throwing knives or shooting with my arrow, but I decide against it. They've seen what I can do. I feel the need to show them that they don't own me. Like Peeta said two years ago, I don't want to be a piece in their games. Now, I understand what he meant.

I walk to the center of the room and take a dummy and a rope. I don't really know what I'm doing as I try to recreate the knots I've seen Finnick's fingers fly through countless times. I need to hit the Gamemakers where it'll hurt, show them that they can get hurt by these terrible Games. I come up with a bad noose, and tie it around the dummy's neck. I make my way over to the camouflage station – it's clear from the mess that the morphlings have been here – and I take the red berry puree. That'll work fine. Before I can stop myself, I dip my fingers in the dye and paint the name of the deceased Head Gamemaker clearly on the dummy's chest: SENECA CRANE.

I step away, and let the Gamemakers see my work. Their reactions are instantaneous – the clanking of wine glasses as they hit the floor and the screams. Plutarch Heavensbee, who refuses to look at me, manages to get out the words, "Y-you may go." I smirk, and walk out. Before I can stop myself, I throw the plastic jar of berry juice all over the dummy.

As soon as I get in the elevator and leave the training center, I regret my actions. Even if I'll die and they can't hurt me, my family is still at risk. Prim, my mother, the Hawthornes; they all can be affected by my actions. This wasn't a good idea. Not at all.

As soon as I get upstairs, Effie, Haymitch and the stylists attack me, wanting to know what I did. I shake my head. "I'll tell you after I get my training score." I wonder if it's possible to get a zero. Nobody's ever gotten a zero or a twelve in Hunger Games history. I got an eleven two years ago. Gale comes in ten minutes later with a smug look on his face. I don't get to ask him about it, because Caesar Flickerman and Claudius Templesmith appear on the television, to read off the list of the training scores. Gloss gets a 9, Cashmere gets a 10, Brutus gets a 9 and Enobaria gets an 8. Beetee and Wiress both get a 6. Finnick gets an 11, and Mags gets a 5. The drunks from 5 and morphings from 6 all get a 4. Johanna gets a 10, Blight gets a 7. Cecelia and Woof both get a 6. The tributes from 9 and 10 get 5s and 4s. Seeder gets a 7, and Chaff gets a 5. Gale gets an 8, and Hunger Games history is made when I get a 12. I'm not in the mood to celebrate. "They only did that so the others would target me."

Portia shakes her head. "No, the Gamemakers gave you a twelve because you're stunning. What did you do, anyways?"

I sigh. Here goes nothing. "I sort of hung Seneca Crane."

"You... hung. Seneca Crane?!" Effie screeches. "Oh god, this is terrible. Just terrible." She runs out of the living room and into the bathroom. I shrug. It's common knowledge that Seneca Crane was hung by President Snow after my Games, because of his rule change allowing two victors so theoretically, both Peeta and I could win. Of course, that didn't happen. But still, he wasn't allowed to do that. The Capitol takes these things very seriously. The idea of anything possibly messing up their precious Games is enough to kill off a whole Gamemaker staff, or a handful of mentors.

Haymitch smiles a little, but then his expression turns dark. "Are you suicidal? Do you have a death wish? What were you thinking? If Snow didn't want to kill you already, I'm sure he will now." He shakes his head and turns to Gale. "I don't even want to know what you did. Katniss, do yourself a favor and get out of my sight. I can't stand to look at you. Do you know how hard it is to keep you alive without these kinds of stunts?"

Gale pulls Haymitch aside to talk to him, and I walk down to the 4th floor. Finnick and Johanna are waiting for me. He grins widely when he sees me, and pulls me in for a large hug, kissing me quickly. Johanna makes a gagging noise. "What did you do? It must have been fantastic. I mean, you're always stunning, but you must have blew their minds." He pauses before asking a serious question. "Did you strip for them or something? I know that's what Jo did." He laughs a little. The petite brunette rolls her eyes and chucks a pillow at him. Finn deflects it easily with the back of his hand.

"Not exactly. I... well I hung Seneca Crane." I admit. The smile on Finnick's face vanishes instantly, and I see his pupils dilate with fear. Johanna breaks the silence, and laughs. She gives me a high-five and Finnick scowls at her. "I know, I know. It was a terrible idea. But I don't regret it. They need to realize I'm not a piece in their games." I know I'm saying malicious (and true) things about the Capitol in a room that's clearly bugged by them, but I can't find a reason to care. I'll be dead come a week from now. So will everyone I love who I didn't leave at home. I don't have the capacity to care anymore. My life is pretty much over, so I want to enjoy the last few days without responsibility. Surely, that's not all that unreasonable. "Alright. Change of topic. So, Finnick-"

I'm cut off by an angry-looking Haymitch storming in. No, not angry. Furious. Haymitch looks livid. I've never seen him like this. It's scary. He takes a deep breath, and slowly says in drawn-out words, "Johanna. We need to talk. Right now." Jo's smart enough to agree, and they walk off. I shrug at Finnick. We both have no idea what he's talking about, or what Haymitch is so angry about.

I grab Finnick's hand, and lead him into his bedroom. "Can we just lie here for a little?" I ask him.

"Of course. There's nothing I'd like more." And so we lay there, on Finnick's bed, in our sweaty training uniforms. I'm not sure how his clothes end up in a pile on the floor with mine, and how my slow trail of kisses down Finnick's neck leads to him thrusting slowly inside me, but I don't question it. This isn't fucking. It's making love. It's slow, and passionate, and my lips never break from his, my grey Seam eyes locked on his sea green ones. This is the kind of sex people associate sex with, not the uncomfortable tangle of limbs I've experienced with various men over the year and a half where I was a whore. But luckily, I don't have to do that ever again. After, he just lays there on top of me. The weight isn't uncomfortable at all. "I love you, so much." Finnick tells me, a melancholy expression on his face. He rolls off me, and wraps his arms around my waist, spooning me.

"I love you too. I will until the day I die." I respond. We don't mention that the day I die might actually be very soon. Right now, we have our love, and even President Snow can't take that away from us. We have nothing to lose anymore, and have become so strong because of it. We have each other, and that will never change. We'll never have to live with out the other. Unless... _What if Finnick can live without me?_ Sure, he'll mourn with Prim and my mother. But he'll have Annie. And they can live happy.

The idea's in my mind now and it probably won't go away for a while. Maybe I can save Finnick.


	28. Chapter 28

I wake up suddenly due to a terrifying nightmare where Enobaria rips open both Finnick's and my throat with her surgically sharpened teeth. I jolt up in bed, and I see Finnick clutching onto the mattress tightly in his sleep, as if his life depends on it. I shake him gently to rouse him from the terrifying bad dream he must be experiencing. He groans as he wakes up, and smiles a little at me. "Thanks. Did I wake you?" He stifles a yawn. I shake my head no. Finn wraps his arms around me, and pulls me close to him. "Let's get back to sleep then." I nod in agreement, and lay my head on his chest. The thump-thump of Finnick's beating heart lulls me into sleep.

Around nine, I wake up for real. We have the whole day to ourselves, since we're helping each other with our well-practiced interview techniques. I throw on some leggings and one of Finnick's tee shirts. We decide to spend the whole day on the roof with Johanna and Blight. Cashmere and Gloss have other plans, and Gale, obviously, is not someone I'd like to spend my last day with. We all grab a bunch of blankets and fill up a basket with some food and drinks and bring it up to the roof where I spent time with Peeta two years ago. In two years, so much has changed but so much is the same. Two years ago, I was set on coming back home, I needed to, my family needed me to. This year, my best friend hates me and my family will probably be safe if I'm dead. All my friends are in the arena this year, and so is Finnick. Finnick. That's it. I know my strategy, I'm going to keep Finnick alive. He'll have Annie and his family and Grant to be there for him. If I'm gone he'll be alright. I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding in as I come to this conclusion. I stand up a little straighter, and smile. Even though I'm going to die, everything seems to be falling in place. It's gonna be okay. Cashmere looks at me, confused. "Are you alright? You just got a lot happier. I don't think that's normal."

"Everything's okay now." I smile, pulling Finnick back by his hand and standing up on the tips of toes to kiss him. Johanna make a gagging noise. "I love you," I whisper to Finnick before leading them to the entrance to get onto the roof. For our last day alive, everyone seems eerily calm. I know I shouldn't, but I feel unnerved by this. Cashmere isn't even spending time with her brother. I don't know, but everything seems off. I still don't think it's really sunk in that I'm going back into the arena: the land of death and the mutts. The cause of my nightmares. Rue's death, Peeta's death, Maysilee Donner's death. And soon Johanna, Gale, Cashmere, Gloss, Blight's and my names will be added to the list of the hundreds, no thousands of tributes who have died at the hands of the Gamemakers or the other tributes. But I have a feeling this will be different. For the first time in the history of the Hunger Games, the Capitol will mourn. Whoever the winner is, there will be twenty-three victors who die, who the Capitol adored.

We spend the day relaxing and just enjoying life. We lay in the sun, talk and laugh. We all pretend we don't know what will happen tomorrow. At one point, our alliance, our friendship, will end. I start a game where I throw the apple against the forcefield surrounding the roof, and Finnick or Johanna or Cashmere catch it. It's funny and dumb and kills time. We eat our favorite foods, and Gloss and Blight join us. We finish a whole bottle of vodka. We're giggly and tipsy and just happy. "I wish I could freeze this moment and live in it forever," Johanna admits. We're all silent for a little, since we're all thinking the same thing. I'm taken aback, mostly because it's the kind of thing Johanna would never say.

I lay in Finnick's lap and he absentmindedly plays with a strand of my hair. I've been wearing it down for the past few days instead of in the usual braid. Cashmere smiles sadly at us. "Me too. I really love you guys. You're like my family now," She admits.

"One fucked-up prostitute family," Gloss mutters. It's true.

"No. Never again." I shake my head. I have no more appointments, no more creepy men I need to sleep with. Those two years of my life are over. I turn around and kiss Finnick quickly but passionately. "You're my first and last." I tell him quietly. He just holds me in his arms. I notice that Cashmere's sitting on Blight's lap, and Johanna on Gloss'. "Are we couple-ing up?" I ask all of them.

Johanna shrugs, "He's hot. What can I say?" We all laugh. I think at one point, I doze off. I'm woken up by Finnick gently shaking me.

"I thought you wouldn't want to miss the sunset," Finnick says. I thank him. I can count the number of sunsets I have left on one hand. This might just be my last. I notice how Johanna is sitting on Gloss, and I try not to look at them. "You're so virginal. We're just that bad," Finnick laughs at me. I stick my tongue out at him, and he pulls me in close, kissing me. It's just as good as every other kiss I've ever had, but this one feels different. Not more passionate, but hurried. He knows our time left together is short. Nobody calls us down for dinner, but Effie comes up and tells us that we're being sent to our prep team, there's an hour until the interviews. She almost loses it when she sees Finnick and I making out and has to excuse herself to go into her room.

Effie brings me down, Haymitch is bringing Gale. This will be the last time I see her. She's wearing the same pink wig she wore when I was reaped. She leads me down the hallway to my prep, I stop before she can walk away without a goodbye. "Thank you for everything, Effie. You were the best escort I've ever seen, always on time and you kept everything in order. You're more than that to me. You're a friend. Remember that time you showed me how to do my makeup and helped me walk in high heels? I do. You were always there for me to talk to, and put up with my terrible manners. I'm so glad I met you," I tell Effie, overdoing a little in the style of the Capitol. But Effie deserves a dramatic goodbye.

"Oh, Katniss." She tears up a little, and hugs me so abruptly, I almost fall over. "Thank you, for everything. You can win, I know you can. I'll see you in a week or two, this isn't the end. I know it." She walks me to my prep team and runs away, crying. Silly Effie with her rules about decorum and how to walk and how to talk. I used to think she was annoying, but I miss her already. All these goodbyes are overwhelming.

I thought Effie was emotional; my prep team is a wreck. Venia keeps making these sobbing noises and Octavia cries so much that her pink mascara begins to trail down her face. I don't notice Flavius is crying until I feel something dripping on my arm. I tear up a little too. When I'm beautified and turned from plain-faced to smoldering and seductive with my red nails and lipstick, and smokey black eyeliner and shadow. Lines are extended from the corners of my eyes out to my cheekbones. It looks almost cat-like. I have long fake eyelashes and I'm not sure how they don't get tangled in my eyes. I stand up and they each hug me tightly. Venia's the only one who speaks, "We just wanted to let you know how- how it's been our honor and such a privilege to make you look your best."

My prep team. My silly, childish prep team with their pretty concerns and material needs, care about me. They don't see this as entertainment. They've grown attached to me, and I have to them. It breaks my heart. Tears stream down my face, and I'm thankful that the eye makeup is waterproof. "I'm going to miss you all so much. Thank you for making me beautiful," I say kissing their cheeks. Then, I see Cinna. I'm so emotionally worn out by the time I get to him. "Please don't cry, please don't cry." I tell him.

"Don't worry, I promise I won't. I channel my emotions into my work so I don't end up hurting anyone but myself." Cinna tells me offhandedly. The detail seems important though. He smiles a little, but he's not happy. I can see it in his eyes. Cinna, with his golden eyeliner and ingenious designs turned me into a superstar. And he was the first friend I ever had in the Capitol. Cinna, my friend. I think I'll miss him even more. He puts me in a long red dress that matches my lipstick and golden high heels. He fixes my straightened hair and poufs it up a little. The dress hugs my body tightly, and is flowing after my hips and butt. I look stunning. But he had to alter it a little, I gained a few pounds. It doesn't bother me at all, I was always underweight. The dress is heavy though. When I ask him about it, Cinna tells me, "The dress is special. Make sure to twirl for Caesar. But don't lift your hands up before then, otherwise the flames might go off. It would ruin the surprise."

I nod, and hug him. "Thank you," I whisper. "For everything you've done for me, thank you. You changed my life, you kept me alive."

"Your life isn't over." Cinna smiles. He's hiding something. He shakes his head, smirking and gently pushes me out the door. "I'll say goodbye to Portia for you. Go make me proud, Girl on Fire." I wave a little, I'll see him tomorrow. I get on the interview line outside the stage, and all the chatter stops when I walk in. All eyes are on me.

Gloss breaks the silence by whistling. "Damn. You look good." Cashmere nods in agrement, and Johanna gives me a thumbs up. I blow a kiss to Finnick and laugh a little, before getting in line between Chaff and Gale.

Haymitch comes over. "Do you two have interview strategies?"

Gale and I nod. "Haymitch, I'm being seductive..." I smirk at him, lowering my voice to make it sound alluring and flirty. I bite my lip a little and laugh when I realize Gale's beet red. "What, it works. I'm pretty well practiced in being sexy." I turn to Gale and talk quietly so only he can hear. "Look, we aren't too friendly right now. But I don't want to die being mad at you. No matter what happens, you'll still be my best friend from when we met six years ago in the woods."

Gale agrees. "I love you, Catnip." He tells me. I hug him tightly. Any onlooker would think he means as family, but we both know that's not true. I don't respond to that, and I just wish him good luck. There's no way I can respond.

During the interviews, I really realize how much the Capitol loves their victors, and how much the victors hate the Capitol. They're sly about it, and make it seem like they're sad for the Capitol. Cashmere is interviewed first. Her long curly blonde hair is in a bun on the top of her head, and while it's weird, it looks good on her. She's wearing a tight fitting pink and gold dress, and she looks great. Caesar Flickerman introduces her, and instead of shaking his hand, she runs into his arms, crying. They show a clip from her games, where she snaps someones neck. With all her beauty and intellegence, Cashmere was a Career, and acted like it. After a minute, she manages to calm down enough to have her interview. She keeps mentioning how sad she is that she'll never get to spend time in the Capitol again, how clearly the Capitol citizens don't like her enough to stop the games, (which the audience responds to by cheering in her support) and how she's going to miss everyone so dearly. Gloss' clip is him snapping a neck just like his sister did. He talks about how he's going to miss the beautiful women in the Capitol. Enobaria and Brutus' interviews are the same as each others, but different from the other tributes. Enobaria's shows the famous clip when she ripped open her opponent's throat with her teeth. The clip from Brutus' Games is when he impales someone with a spear. They talk about how excited they are to get back in the games, but they too make side comments.

Wiress shyly questions if the Capitol even cares at all. Her clip is setting up a snare to kill someone. She isn't very lethal looking. Beetee, in his jumpy manner, wonders about the legitimacy of the Quell, because everyone is aware of the Capitol's power. It's hard to imagine Beetee killing anyone, but there he is, years ago, electrocuting a bunch of his fellow tributes. Mags things its weird since it seems so different from the last two Quells. She stabbed someone with a knife. I love Finnick's interview. He and Caesar hug and have a little handshake – it's clear they must be friends or something. They show him spearing someone with a trident, what a surprise. They chat for a little, and then Finnick asks: "Caesar, if it's alright with you, can I do something?". Caesar asks the crowd if they want him to and they cheer. He stands up and says, "Well, each victor has a talent. Mine is poetry. This is for my love in the Capitol," Everyone turns and looks at me. It's for me. This is real. Finnick clears his throat and begins:

"The sparkle in your eye,  
The warmth of your skin.  
Your breath on my neck,  
That shakes me within.

The touch of your hand,  
The smell of your hair.  
The naughtiness in your smile,  
That strength in your stare.

Your kiss on my lips,  
Your body near mine.  
The stroke of your touch,  
That feeling inside.

The Compassion in your embrace.  
The power in your face.  
The beating of your heart.  
That we may never part

The beauty of your kiss,  
and that magic in your touch.  
It is for all these reasons and more,  
Why I love you so much."

The crowd cheers and at least twenty women in the audience fainted because they thought it was about them. I tear up a little. He shakes hands with Caesar, and walks off stage. He walks right over to me, and I kiss him quickly, fully aware that this is on camera. I make sure not to lift my arms, like Cinna said, it's pretty difficult. "That was beautiful." I tell him, smiling.

The tributes from 5 and 6 don't do anything during their interview but lay on the couch and stare at the ceiling. It's really funny, if it was under different circumstances. They too have killed people, but I'm sure they wouldn't be able to do that now. I like Johanna's interview, but I'm scared for her. She's being really gutsy. It's funny, but I feel like she'll get punished for it. They show her throwing an axe into someone's back. When Caesar asks her thoughts on the Quell, she claims that "Clearly President Snow is scared of the victors, otherwise he would have no reason to kill us off". She also says, "I feel terrible for all the citizens of the Capitol who have fallen in love with their victors who feel like family, and now are having them taken away to fight to the death. But this is exactly how the families of tributes feel every year for your entertainment, for these stupid Games. You should feel bad." Most of the crowd starts crying, and Caesar looks uncomfortable. She is really pushing it. But then I remember who she is. She has nothing to lose, no family left. She can get away with it. I don't think I've ever been this proud to call someone my friend.

Blight isn't shy, but he's not a huge talker. He's very lethal – his clip shows him strangling someone. Whenever he does say something, it's meaningful. Blight talks about how there's no way he'll cancel the Quell, so the Capitol will just have to suffer. Cecelia threw knives. She talks about how it's terrible to make adults to go into the arena. I realize at eighteen, I'm the youngest tribute. This is both a good and bad thing. Woof pushed the kid next to him off his plate at the begging of the games, but now he's too drunk to do anything. The tributes from 9 and 10 aren't memorable at all, but could kill as well. We all have blood on our hands, even sweet little Mags. The odds are in everybody and nobody's favor.

Then, it's Seeder's turn. I like Seeder, she's kind and seems to be healthy. But I notice how she grips the side of her chair when they show her Games when she cut off someone's arm with a sword. She says that "If President Snow is all-powerful, doesn't he have the power to change the Quell? Nobody wants this." Chaff is as drunk as Haymitch. They show his final fight where half of his arm gets chopped off, and he smashes his opponent's head with a rock, killing him. Then, Haymitch is patting my back, and I take a deep breath. Make them love you, you've done it hundreds of times before.

I strut onto the stage, and kiss Caesar's cheek in the Capitol greeting. We sit down and talk for a little. First off, they show by best kill – when I shoot an arrow at Marvel, killing him instantly. Caesar begins, "So, Katniss. What do you think about the Quell?"

I sigh. I can't be seductive with this. "I don't know if you've noticed Caesar, but I seem to have terrible luck with my love life," I admit. The audience laughs. "Seriously. The first boy I fall in love with is reaped in the same year as me, and the I finally get over him and find a great guy. You all know Finnick Odair. He's the best. But now we're reaped together. It's almost like the Capitol wants me to be single." The audience makes a collective aw.

Caesar puts his hand on mine, "I'm sure that's not the case, Katniss." Oh, it is. "Well, I think we all were pleasantly surprised with your training score. You got the first score of Twelve in Hunger Games history. That's the best score anyone could get. We know that what happens in training is secretive, but do want to tell us a little of what to expect in the arena?"

I smirk, I can work with that. "Well, I think I definitely earned that Twelve. So make sure to keep your eyes on me. Oh, and Caesar, remember the flames I wore two years ago? I have them again, today. Would you like to see?" The crowd goes crazy. I stand up and twirl, raising my arms above my head. The flames are a lot larger than last time, and when I put my arms down and the smoke vanishes, the crowd screams. I look down, and my red dress has been transformed. The shape is the same, but now the dress is black with small grey and black feather-like details. "Mockingjay. It's the bird on the pin a wore."

A shadow of recognition is visible on Caesar's face, but he masks it quickly. He must know that my mockingjay is much more than a fashion statement. "My oh my. He's done it again! Let's get a round of applause for Katniss's stylist, Cinna." He stands up from the crowd and takes a bow. Suddenly, I fear for Cinna. I'm not sure what he's done, but the Capitol will not forget it. "Katniss Everdeen!" The crowd cheers – they're such a nervous wreck I think they'd react the same to everything now. He hugs me and whispers into my ear on the side the audience can't see, "You be careful out there. Something big is coming." I don't know what Caesar knows, or what Cinna or Haymitch or Johanna or that actor Thomas knows, but I feel like I'm being kept out of the loop. I join back into the line of tributes as Caesar shushes the crowd and welcomes Gale out on stage. Caesar asks him, "So, Gale. How does it feel to be back going back into the arena for the second year in a row?"

Gale shrugs. "It's a lot to handle – I'm not gonna lie. But I also have it fresh in my mind, so I'm better prepared for what's to come."

"How is it for your family, having both you and your lovely cousin, Katniss Everdeen in the Games with you?" Caesar asks.

Gale sighs, before asking, "Can the audience here keep a secret?" They cheer. Well he knows how to work the crowd, that's for sure. "Well, Katniss and I aren't really related at all -" He's cut off by the noises from the crowd. When Caesar calms them down, Gale's able to continue. "We met when she was twelve and I was thirteen. Our fathers died in a mining accident, and we bonded over that. We've been best friends since then. When the Capitol interviewed me, they decided that we would be cousins since we look similar and they didn't want to risk her at the boy Peeta's 'star-crossed lovers' image being ruined. I've had feelings for her for the longest time, and I think that's why I was reaped. The Capitol has a problem that I'm in love with her."

The crowd's reaction is insane. They're screaming and yelling things. I hear the buzzer go off, meaning Gale's time is done. But Caesar has given up on trying to calm them down, or even reign them a little. This is insane. Gale stands next to me on line, and says something to me. I can't hear, and I just shake my head at him. Chaff offers his bad arm to me, and I close my hand around the stump that ends his arm. I look down the line. Something has started with us. He holds hands with Seeder who holds hands with the male victor-tribute from District 10 all the way down to Gloss and Cashmere. In the chaos that is going on, the camera has not pulled away. The Anthem plays so loud I feel the vibrations from the speaker in my bones and then the lights on the stage fade to black. But this has not been missed.

Everybody in the audience, in the Capitol, even all the districts of Panem has seen this. There was mandatory viewing. I realize what this was, the magnitude of we've done. Us victors, the strong ones who have faced the Capitol have shown a public rebellion. We've defied the Capitol and the essence of the Games. The Games are to keep the districts competing against each other, so that we won't come together to overthrow the Capitol. And that's exactly what we've just done.

In the dark, we all trip over each other. I hear people move past me, and I try to find someone, anyone. But I can't Finnick or Johanna or Haymitch or even Gale. When I manage to stumble into the light, I can't see anything over Cashmere's head. I hear a scream and the unmistakable sound of someone slapping someone else.


	29. Chapter 29

I push Cashmere out of the way, and she squeals, tripping over something in her ridiculously heels. I'll apologize later. I just need to see what's going on. Finally, with a lot of pushing and shoving, I manage to make my way to the front of the crowd. I hear a lot of screaming, and I'm not sure what's going on. Gloss is breaking up what looks like a fight between Finnick and Johanna and Gale. It's not even a fight, just Finnick with his head in his hands and Johanna yelling at Gale. If they were fighting, I'm positive Finnick would win. He's a lot stronger, and given by the swelling beginning to form on Gale's right cheek and his bloody nose, which I can only hope is from Johanna, Gale wouldn't stand a chance. I catch a little bit of what Finnick's saying, "-was not okay. Thats my girlfriend, and you're not even friends with her anymore. Remember what you called her? Well both me and her do. Say what you want about me, but don't you dare say anything about Katniss. You better watch your back in the arena. I killed twelve people in my games, I have no problem making that thirteen-"

I need to interject. This is getting out of hand. And the press is eating it up. This'll be in every tabloid by tomorrow morning. "Stop it!" I cut Finnick off, and come in between the two of them. "Just stop! Gale, that wasn't okay. No, that was terrible. If I didn't dislike you already, I would now. I don't know what you were thinking. Did you even think before you proclaimed your _looove_ on national television? That has mandatory viewing. Every single person in the world was watching. Did you think I would just run into your arms and leave Finnick for some asshole who's made my life intolerable these last two years? Lover, boyfriend, makeout buddy? Not a chance. You're not even my friend." I spit. It's harsh but I don't care. I'm seeing red. I turn to the press, "Why are you even here? Go home." They scurry off. I can be terrifying. "Let's just go upstairs." I say to Finnick, and we walk into an elevator with Gloss and Johanna.

"Well, tonight was way too dramatic for my taste." Gloss sighs, leaning against the wall of the glass elevator. He stands up when the doors open and a ding means we're at the first floor. "See you guys tomorrow. Finnick, don't wear her out too much." I roll my eyes and the doors close behind him. I agree with Gloss. I just wanted to relax and enjoy my last definite day alive. I did, but of course Gale just had to start some drama. Whatever. I think he likes getting me angry, it gives him some sick satisfaction. I'm over it. Gale's a part of my past, not my present or future. Finnick and I will spend the night together, and try to get our last few peaceful hours of sleep.

The elevator stops on the seventh floor, and the doors open. Johanna gives me a small hug and nods at Finnick. "Night you two. See you on the hovercraft. And may the odds be ever in your favor," she jokes. As the doors are closing, she stops it with her high heel-clad foot. "Hey Finnick? Breathe. It's gonna be okay. You can trust me." I let the doors close, and don't say anything. Trust Johanna with what? Do they have some arena strategy that they've been keeping from me? Probably. Maybe that's what Johanna and Haymitch were fighting over telling me. I shake those thoughts out of my head. I don't want to think about the arena, or at least not for a good twelve hours. Besides, it's probably not even about me. Being in the Capitol has made me way too self-centered.

We get out at the top floor, and I reach up to entwine my hands in Finnick's hair and capture his lips in a rough kiss. It's sloppy and wet, but neither of us care. Finn and I completely ignore Gale and Haymitch conversing in the living room. I wrap my legs around his hips, and grab onto the base of his neck. He shakily carries us into my room. This is where I had my first time, and where I'll have my last time. I pull Finnick onto the bed, and he suddenly stops. "We're gonna take it slow," he tells me. I look at him confused, and he stands up to close the door. He explains, "you're gonna get romance." I giggle a little at him, and shake my head at how ridiculous this is. Not that I care. Tonight, we don't have sex. We make love.

He kisses his way down my body, slowly undressing me. He stops at my navel, and I sit up, kicking off my heels. They land in the corner of the room with a loud thud. "You're wearing way too much clothing." I tell Finnick, taking off his shirt while he kicks off his shoes. I kiss him again, not wanting to be separated from him. I fall back on the bed, effectively pulling him on top of me. I pull away to kiss down his jaw and suck on his pulse point. I'm pretty sure they'll be a bruise there tomorrow. That's the least of my concerns right now. My mockingjay dress is pooled around my waist, and Finnick's poorly attempting to unhook my bra. I fumble with the button and zipper on his pants, until I finally get them off. I pull them down and throw them on the floor. He's hard already. Boys, I laugh inwardly. I stick my hand in his boxers, and grab his length hardly. He groans, and his hips jerk forward. I stroke him once or twice, before stopping. I smirk at him.

"You're such a fucking tease, but I love you." Finnick tells me, standing me up. "Romance, not a quickie. I forget that this is your first real relationship sometimes. I'll show you how to make love." He slowly pulls down all my clothes, and folds them on the chair. I roll my eyes. He shushes me and walks back over, striking a ridiculous pose. "Do the honors?" I laugh and pull down his boxers, turning them inside out and hanging them on the bed post just to mock him. He turns off the lights and walks over to bed, pulling the blanket over us. The moon provides the only light. I can only see shadows.

I pull a magnum condom out from the drawer, and open it quickly, rolling it on Finnick easily. Better safe than sorry. He slowly guides himself into me, agonizingly slow, propping himself up by his elbows. I sigh, "I'm not a virgin, you know." He mumbles something, and kisses my neck before filling me completely and then pulling almost all the way out. He does this three or four times, until I'm sure I'm going to strangle him.

"Fine. Fine. So needy." Finnick jokes, thrusting a little faster. I wrap my legs around his waist, pushing him farther in. I roll my hips and moan softly. I tilt my head up to kiss him again, our tongues battling for dominance. He moans in my mouth and I bite down gently on his lip. We set a slow pace, but it's still so good, so so good. I wonder if this is how most normal people have sex. It really doesn't matter, when you're the most attractive, envied couple in the world, there is no normal. I feel myself getting closer, and Finn's thrusts are a lot less rhythmic. Our bodies fit together perfectly like the pieces of a puzzle. I let out a silent scream, seeing white-hot stars as I clench around him. He thrusts one, two, three more times and comes with a low grunt. "I love you." He tells me quietly before rolling off me and throwing the condom in the garbage.

He slides back into bed, and I lay my head on his chest. I yawn, and he hums a melody from a song I've never heard. We both lie naked under the soft earth-tone comforter, and I try to catch my breath. The only word to describe that is beautiful. I think we're meant to be, or something like that. I don't think it gets better than this. I absentmindedly trace a pattern on Finnick's bare chest with my fingers, and he twirls with a few strands of my hair. After a moment, he speaks. "You know, I lost my virginity in the training center apartments," Finnick tells me. He exhales sharply and continues, "Her name was Lily. She was my fellow District 4 tribute. Lily was four years older than me, but neither of us cared. We just wanted to enjoy ourselves before the games." I don't know why he tells me this. As if he can read my mind and understands my confusion, Finnick mutters after a moment, "Just thought you should know."

I smile to myself. "I lost my virginity in this actual bed," I state, even though we both already know that. "I had just won my games a few days prior, and I found out I was gonna be a prostitute. So this total player who was twenty-two years old helped me lose my virginity so I would know how nice sex could be without the unattractive creepy Capitol men." I sit up a little to give him a peck on his lips. "And I fell in love with him, and he moved all the way out to District 12 of all places to live with me. And then we lived happily ever after." I pause and mock Finnick gently. "Just thought you should know."

"Something like that," Finnick mutters. I curl my body up on his. We lay there, half awake and half asleep. I drift off a few times, but I'm too nervous to even get an hour of sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night, Finnick asks me, "Do you want me to sing you to sleep?" I nod, yawning. He sings a song I've never heard about love, the sunsets and the sea. His song is cut short when he falls asleep in the middle of the verse. I manage to fall asleep as well. And even in my current situation, I sleep well. For the first time in a very long time, I have no nightmares. It's not an empty sleep either. I dream. I dream of a place where Prim and I dance in a meadow, and where children grow up without a fear of being reaped, and there's no President Snow, no Panem. It's a fantastic dream. I really hope he dies. I wish I could be the one who gets to kill him, but as long as he'll end up dieing, I don't really care how. I just hope it's agonizingly slow and terribly painful for him. Snow deserves that.

We both manage to drift off for a little. I wake up to Finnick kissing my forehead and whispering, "Get up, Katniss. You don't wanna miss this." I groan, and rub my eyes, but I follow him up a staircase I've never seen. When we get up to the top, the sun is starting to rise, peaking over the mountains in the horizon. It must be seven to seven thirty in the morning. The dark purple is streaked with pinks and oranges and yellows as the sun stretches it's fingers over the water.

"That's beautiful." I tell him, and it is. I almost cry a little, realizing that this is the last real sunrise I'll ever see that won't be in a terrifying arena. It's so beautiful and despite everything that's going on, I feel alright. There's nothing to say, no words that can explain how I feel, so I just kiss him. It's different. The kiss is passionate but there's also a sense of urgency, almost as if Finn's realized we have almost no time left. I press my body to his, and realize we're not wearing any clothes. Whoops.

Finnick notices too, and laughs. "As much as I love seeing you naked, we probably should get some clothes on. How about a shower first?" He suggests. Neither of us move though. We both just lay there, watching the sun light up the dark sky. Today is the day I've been dreading for months. Today, we travel back to the arena: the place of nightmares and canons that mean deaths. But it's going to be so much worse this time. I know my competition now. Even someone, say Brutus. He might die, and I might even kill him. We're not even friends, but I know him. And none of us are teenagers any more, well except me. Most of the tributes this year have families and kids, or even grandkids. I think of Cecelia with those three children clinging to her side. It'll be hard for me too. I have friends, someone who's practically family and my boyfriend in the arena with me. Only one person will come out alive. I swallow the lump that's beginning rising in my throat. I can't cry. I will not cry.

Instead, I stare at Finnick. Physically, everything about him is perfection, from his bronze hair to the tips of his toes and everything in between. Such a waste, that his life has been reduced to this. Killing and fucking and putting on a mask for the world to see. Nobody knows who the real Finn is, the sweet, caring, funny guy I've fallen in love with. The whole world just sees a cocky, arrogant, self-centered jerk and player because that's how he has to portray himself to keep his family safe. It's terrible, but then again, life is terrible. There's not much we can do about it. We'll never have to sleep with anyone else we don't want to sleep with. I frown, I want to keep Finnick alive. But if he stays alive, he stays for sale. He'll be okay.

Finally I leave my thoughts and answer Finnick with a small nod. He picks me up, carrying me downstairs. I giggle the whole time. They say you never forget your first love, and now I understand why. This feeling I have, it hasn't been tarnished with betrayal or heartbreak or anything that ends a relationship. There's just love and lust and it's perfectly proportionate. I never want to let any of this go. But soon enough I will have to. The thought of that makes me want to cry or punch a certain president. I'm not sure which one.

He drops me gently in the shower and turns on the water. I shriek a little as the ice cold water hits my back, and Finnick laughs at me. I stick my tongue out at him, and he kisses my nose. I relax a little as the water warms up. I push him up against the cool tile wall as steam fills the air, our lips colliding. It's perfect and I just want to savor the moment forever. It's not neat at all, just a battle between tongues for dominance, a clash of tongues and teeth and it's amazing but nothing special at all. It feels so much different. My kisses with Finnick are numbered. My everything is numbered. I remember we're on a schedule. I reluctantly pull away to shampoo my hair. Finnick decides to rub body wash all over me, and the look on his face while he does it is hilarious. I know very well what he's trying to do. "You really can't keep it in your pants." I tell him, but I don't mind. I can keep up with him. Maybe this'll be our last time – in a shower in the training center, but I don't care. We love each other, and that's really all that matters. I smile a little, knowing that regardless of what happens a month from now, we'll have this love. I let him push me against the shower wall, ignoring the soap dripping down my body.

"Let's get you cleaned up." Finnick smirks at me, kissing me again. I let him wash the soap out of my hair, and I wash his back. We hear something loud shattering outside. It sounded like a glass breaking or somebody dropping a plate. Whatever it is, it's followed by a string of expletives, from who I assume was Haymitch. Gale doesn't curse like that. I quickly put some conditioning cream in my hair, and wash it out leaving it smooth and shiny. Finnick does the same, but gets it from a different button on the shower. That must be why his hair is softer and better-looking than most guys; he uses conditioner. He's been in the Capitol so long, he's probably had time to play with every single button in the shower.

"We should get out." I tell Finnick. As much as I'd like to stay here forever, I do need to get dressed. I throw on clean and comfortable but very cute underclothes, and put on a barely-there slip dress. Our outfits will be given to us after we get on the hovercraft. I braid my hair and put on lipstick. I don't need makeup, I'm going to be fighting to the death. When my mother and Prim bury me, they'll give me a face full of makeup before they do so. Whatever. Old habits die hard. I walk Finnick to the elevator. "I'll see you out there. We'll be okay." I stand on my tiptoes to kiss him and he wraps his arms around my waist. I never want to let him go, but I have to.

"Love you. I'll see you in a few hours, okay?" Finnick turns and walks into the elevator, the glass doors closing behind him. I sit down at the table next to Gale and Haymitch. They don't speak. I manage to chew a little toast, but I'm too nauseous from the anticipation and sheer terror to actually eat anything. I drink some juice.

Soon, enough, it's time to go. I say goodbye to every room in the training center apartment. My memories in each of the rooms is substantially different. I lost my virginity here. I threw a knife at a wall here. I yelled at Effie here. I can't believe I'd ever feel like this, but I honestly just want to stay here. My home in the Victor's Village feels less like a home than this dumb, ultra modernized floor. Of course, if I like it, the Capitol will take it away from me. They can't have me _actually_ be happy for once.

As Haymitch walks us to the hovercraft, he pulls me into a hug before I get on. It's so unexpected I don't know what to do. I just hug him back, and say nothing. After a few minutes, Haymitch tilts my chin up and makes my look him in the eyes. "You be careful out there, sweetheart." I cry a little in his embrace. I've never seen him be caring to or about anyone before. Drunk, old Haymitch with his dumb but endearing nickname for me and his alcohol and his oily hair and messy looking clothes. I care about Haymitch. He's more than a drunk old guy to me. He's almost like a father. He's tried so hard to keep me alive, and we both know there's no more he can possibly do. I kiss his cheek and walk away. Right before I get on the hovercraft, he stops me. "Oh and Katniss? When you're in the arena, just make sure you remember who the real enemy is."

Something about his words haunt me. I think about it for a minute, and shake my head. "Is that really what you're wearing?" Gale asks me as we step on the hovercraft. I roll my eyes. He always has to cause a problem with something that I do. Whether it's what I eat or what I wear or who I like or love, Gale has to make it a big deal because I act different from how I did before I was forced to fight to the death and sold into prostitution against his will. And the craziest part is that no, he doesn't think he's being unreasonable. I don't even know what to say in response to that.

"Are you stupid? If it's on her body, she's wearing it. If you have a problem with Katniss, take it up with us." Johanna snarls, pointing to Cashmere, Gloss, Blight, Finnick and herself. She's even saved a seat for me on the hovercraft. I'm flattered by the gesture. "Hey, Katniss. You look cute." I sit down in between Finnick and Gloss on the wide chairs. The Peacekeepers come around to put the trackers in our arms. When the peacekeeper goes to put it in mine, Johanna reaches over gloss and knocks my hand out of the way, so it ends up being injected not in my wrist, but in the palm of my hand. Both the woman and I stare at Johanna, and she shrugs. "Whatever. You don't want an ugly lump in your arm. Get my hand please," she tells the woman. It's weird but I don't question it. Johanna Mason does some pretty weird things, and that's just that. Nobody would be crazy or suicidal enough to question her motives.

I lay my head on Finnick's lap for the hovercraft ride. It's a lot longer than the last one – maybe three and a half hours instead of the twenty or so minutes. It builds a ridiculous amount of anticipation. "Where are they taking us?" I ask Finnick. He shrugs, clearly he has no idea as well. I'm pretty sure that wherever we're going, it'll be a fantastic arena like no other, and I'm sure it'll be in an extreme environment. These games are unparalleled, and the arena itself must reflect that. President Snow probably wants to get them over as soon as possible. We all do.

"Times like this made me wish that they told us more about what's outside of Panem. Supposedly there were 4 other large land-masses, and large oceans in between them and little islands all around. I wonder if other people live there now." Cashmere thinks out loud. You can't say these things! My mind screams. I want to shake them. Sure, everyone thinks bad things about the Capitol, bu you don't voice them out loud. The only time I've done that is in the meadow with Gale, which is illegal in itself. I look over at Gale. I miss him. Not that I'll let him see that. Our times as friends was over a long time ago. And that's not my fault, so I have nothing to regret. He made his choices, and I make mine.

Finally, we get off the hovercraft. I kiss Finnick goodbye, and follow the peacekeepers to Cinna. When I see him, I scream and run into his arms. I miss Cinna already. He was the first (and the only) person from the Capitol I've come to trust. He's the kindest person I know, and I worry that he's risked his life after that stunt last night. "You look lovely like that." Cinna smiles at me, and kisses my forehead. "Now let's get you dressed." Cinna takes my dress, and puts me in a royal blue tight-fitting outfit. It looks like a mesh wetsuit, or something divers wear. It's a very fine fabric, and won't be much help with sun or cold. There's matching booties made of the same material, and a purple belt with some type of squishy foam in it.

"What do you think it is?" I ask him. "It's nothing cold or strong." I rub a bit of the fabric between my fingers, and stick my arm out for Cinna to feel it. He shrugs, knowing as little as I do. He pauses, and reaches in his pocket and attaches something to my chest. My mockingjay pin.

"I thought you'd want that." Cinna smiles sadly at me. "You have ten minutes. Let me get you some food." As soon as he leaves the room, I run to the bathroom, feeling the bile rise in my stomach. I heave a few times, and throw up breakfast and most of last night's dinner. What the hell? I'm glad nobody saw that. I clean myself up, and walk back outside. Nobody was here to see it.

Cinna comes back in a few minutes later, with some stew. I have a few sips, but mostly I just drink water. I just sit there for a while, and then a speaker tells me to step up onto the platform. I hug Cinna tightly. "Thank you, for everything." He kisses my cheek and I step on the glass plate. The walls close behind me, but I don't move. I raise an eyebrow at Cinna, and he just shrugs. A few moments later, two peacekeepers come in and start attacking Cinna. They knock him on the floor, and start beating him with sticks. I'm screaming and banging on the door, but it doesn't budge. Finally, they drag out Cinna's lifeless body, leaving a trail of blood on the floor. Then, the platform decides to rise.

President Snows has killed Cinna. Not just for the dress, but to unhinge me. And it's worked. I take a few breaths. I need to prepare myself for the first few moments in the arena, those are the most important. There will be time to mourn later. The plate rises to the top, and out into the arena. I'm not prepared at all I for what I see.

To my left is Chaff. I can't recognize anyone else, but there appears to be tributes grouped in twos in ten to twelve spokes, surrounding a silver cornucopia. The sun is so bright, I can't really tell. I look down at my feet, and at first I think it's the sun and overwhelming shock playing tricks on my eyes, but in reality it's that the sky is reflected of the ground. When it laps over my toes, I realize it's water. The whole arena is... water. Only one thought is able to form coherently in my mind.

_This is no place for a girl on fire._


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all the awesome people reading this - we hit 400+ hits. :D

I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself down. _This is okay. Finnick is okay._ This should be easy for him. He probably could swim before he could walk, being from District 4. I think of all the times my father swam with me in the lake a few miles after the electric fence outside District 12. There was no pool in the training center. Either you knew how to swim coming into the arena, or you better be a fast learner. Most of the tributes here are well, for lack of a better word – they're fucked. I look at the countdown clock projected on the cornucopia, viewable from all areas. My first thought is to swim as far away as I can, or just stay on my plate. But I'm a career now, and I better start acting like it. Five. Four. I bend my knees, and raise my arms, above my head poised to dive. Three. Two. One. The gong goes off, sounding that the Games have begun.

I dive into the water gracefully, and swim as fast as I can. The distance from the plates to the Cornucopia is only about 50 meters, but that'll take a while for the tributes who don't know how to swim. I make it to the Cornucopia first – and I'm stunned by the pile of weapons. They're all just enticingly stacked there. Wow, if I find weapons enticing, I really am a killer, I think. I smile a little. We're all killers here. The weapons appear even more deadlier, if such a thing is possible. I'm snapped out of my thoughts by the sound of someone creeping up behind me. I set an arrow from one the three holders I didn't even realize that I have on my back, and turn around. Finnick's cheekily grinning at me. "Do you greet every boy you meet like that?" He jokes.

I laugh a little and scowl at his comment, not angry at all. I give him a quick but not at all chase kiss, and focus. "Nice to see you too. Where is everyone?" I ask him. Nobody else has shown up at the Cornucopia. I see someone show up behind Finnick, and my eyes widen. "Duck!" I tell him firmly and put an arrow in male from 5's eye. I don't even realize that I've killed someone, again until Finn turns around at the bloody body and back at me, an eyebrow raised.

Before he can say anything though, Johanna appears from the water. She gives me a quick nod, "Not bad, not bad at all. I was worried that since all of held hands last night, you expected all the tributes to join together in a pledge of non-violence and sing Kumbaya together. You saw how quick you were to kill, we're all the same as you. None of us are victors by accident. Except maybe Annie." She adds. "What's your count now? Finn's is twelve. Highest, ever."

Twelve people. He killed half the tributes. I do a mental head count: Glimmer and the girl from 4 with the tracker jacker nest, Marvel, and Cato in my first games. That's four. I take blame for Peeta's death, even though that was reluctant. "Five my first Games, One now." I look around, most of the other tributes have managed to make their way to land. I see Blight and the two tributes from 3, that Johanna call Nuts and Volts run into the forest. Not forest, it's nothing like the woods back home. We're in a jungle. "Get ready." I mutter under my breath. Johanna grabs a few axes and Finnick takes a trident.

"Don't trust 8." Johanna warns me, as most of the other victor-tributes approach. I have no feelings about Woof: neither negative nor positive, but I wouldn't want to kill Cecelia. She has children. I would break their hearts. I shake my head. This is a fight to the death, I need to kill. The woman from 10 receives an axe in her chest from Johanna, and I take out the male morphling from 6. Seven deaths on my hands now. I watch as Finnick skillfully stabs and twists the trident into the stomach of the woman from 9 without any hesitation. Damn. When Cecelia comes out of the water with Seeder, I let Johanna take out both of them. I have no ties to either of then, but I don't have the conscience to kill them.

"We should get out of here." I hear Cashmere suggest. I didn't even know she was at the Cornucopia. Her, Gloss and Finnick have grabbed an arsenal of weapons. There are no supplies or packs at all. Great. We clear out. After a few feet of walking, Cashmere stops short and turns around. "Finnick, where's Mags?"

He exhales loudly. I squeeze his hand comfortingly. Finnick looks up, and mutters quietly. "I don't know." He takes a breath and speaks up. "We couldn't wait for her to show up at the Cornucopia. It doesn't really matter, we'll find her later." Something doesn't add up. Mags is probably the best swimmer here. There's something going on that he's keeping from us. I look at Johanna, but she keeps her eyes cast downward, avoiding my gaze. I'm getting that feeling that I've been kept out of the loop, again.

We hike for what seems like years, even when it's probably only an hour or two. The air is so humid that my clothes and hair cling to my sweaty, sticky body. There's no water anywhere, and the water we swam in earlier is salty. Finally, Gloss suggests we stop and make camp. We split up – I climb a tree to look around for game, Finnick and Cashmere decide to set up camp, and Gloss and Johanna search for water. I climb up over the tree line and get about a hundred and fifty feet up in the tree. I can see the whole arena. It's minuscule and seems to be in a perfect circle. The jungle's edge is a beach, which each extends twelve spokes to the Cornucopia in the middle. I climb down slowly, but my foot catches on a branch and I fall from about ten feet up in the air. I land on a pile of mats woven out of some type of moss. Cashmere giggles at me.

I look around – the campsite has been transformed. Cashmere and Finnick have set up a covering of some sorts on top of two high branches, and mats on the floor. Luckily, I didn't fall through it. I stand up, feeling uncomfortably. I landed hard. I feel a stabbing pain in my stomach, and bend over in pain. Finnick rushes over and puts his hand on my shoulder. I shake him off and stand up straight. "Stomach cramps." I tell Finnick. I'm sure what that was, but it's probably cramps. I kiss him, and wipe his damp hair off his forehead. "I love you." I smile, kissing him again. He fists a handful of my hair bringing out lips closer together, if possible. We're cut off my someone laughing.

I turn around and reluctantly pull away to see Gloss guffawing, and Johanna rolling her eyes. "Seriously, you two? I'm just going to point out that you're making out in the middle of a fight to the death. And I'm also reminding you that this is on national television. The world is watching." She quotes the famous line.

"Did you find any water?" Cashmere asks, worried. She ties up her long blonde hair and leans against a tree.

Gloss shakes his head no. "We didn't, but there has to be somewhere. If there's no water in the whole arena, these games will only be a few days long." Maybe that's the point, really. The Capitol population doesn't seemed to thrilled about the Quell this year, anyways. They've fallen in love with us, and now they have to watch a piece of their family die. As much as I detest this (for obvious reasons), at least they're getting a taste of their own medicine.

I sigh. I'm feeling impatient. I plant my hands on my hips and look up at the sky. "Haymitch, if you're not passed out drunk yet, could you do us the favor of getting us some water? I worked very hard for the money in the sponsorship account, don't be so stingy with it." I've never seen anybody communicate with a mentor like that in any of the other seventy-four Games. But there's no rule saying it can't be done, so I don't think there's a problem with it. Moments later, a silver parachute arrives. Finnick hands it to me.

The parachute doesn't have any water, but instead there's a small blue object. It looks like a funnel and is small enough to put my pinky finger in it. The smaller end of it is very sharp, and looks like it goes into something. I pass it around to everyone else, but nobody seems to know what it is. It looks familiar. "Start a fire." I tell Finnick, "I'm gonna go hunting." Nobody objects, and I make my way into the jungle, taking the blue object Haymitch gave us.

I walk around for a while, and manage to get three rodent type things and bring them back. Their muzzles were wet when I found them, but I don't know where they got the water. I sit next to the fire Finnick made a few hundred meters away from our camp, and begin to skin and roast some of the meat. Gloss sits down next to me, and takes over for me. I thank him and walk back. A sheath of my arrows fall off my shoulder and when I lean over to pick them up, I trip over an exposed root. I try to steady myself by grabbing onto a tree, but it doesn't work and I fall. The last thing I remember is hitting something hard and then there's a blinding flash of blue light.

 

The first thing I register is that Finnick is sitting on top of me. "Katniss!" He kisses my forehead, and rolls of me. "Holy shit, you're okay." I look at him with confusion. Finnick, Gloss and Johanna are all sitting around me. I look around confused. Before I can ask what happens, Cashmere runs over.

"What the fuck happened? All I saw was a flash of light and I heard Finnick yell something. Katniss, are you alright? Is the- " Cashmere cuts herself off and Johanna elbows her in the ribs. Cashmere yelps in pain.

"What?" I ask her, suspicious. There's something I don't know.

"You ran into the forcefield. Your heart stopped." Johanna tells me slowly, her tone aloof and almost bored. She could have been reciting historical facts about the climate in District 7, and it would've sounded exactly the same. I take a deep breath, letting the magnitude of her words hit me.

"I died?" I ask them, confused. "I didn't hear a canon or anything." I'm still not sure what's going on.

"We got your heart re-started, it's called CPR." Finnick answers. My head feels fuzzy. "Anyways, we figured out how to get water. You pushed the blue thing into a tree, and it created a stream of water. There's water in the trees." I stare at him for a few moments, and he simply hands me a basket Cashmere weaved. It's full of water. It's as warm and sticky as the rest of the arena, but I don't care. I gulp down a lot, and wipe some on my forehead. Water doesn't seem like a big deal, but it is when you're dehydrated. Something irks me about what Cashmere was going to say when she cut herself off. Again, people not telling me things. I just want to take a nap.

"Why don't we stay here for the rest of the evening?" I suggest. It's been a really long day. And I died, so I really don't feel like endangering my life again. That may sound dumb since I'm in the Hunger Games of all places, but I'd prefer not to die for real. I wonder how long I was unconscious. The Gamemakers obviously showed that on the mandatory live viewing. So Prim and my mother saw me die. Poor things. I feel terrible. I hate to say it, but this was good practice for my family back home. In a few days, they'll have to watch me die for real. Nobody states their opinion on whether or not we should move or not, so we just hang out, waiting for nightfall. I hear seven cannons go off in a row, signaling the end of the bloodbath. A few more will probably die before the sun sets. We won't find out who the fallen are for another few hours.

I eat some of that rodent. We call it a tree rat, not having an actual name for the creature. None of us have ever seen it, and Panem doesn't have jungles. That must mean we're far away from home. I wonder if there are other civilizations on other landmasses out there. Maybe, but we'd never know. I bet they don't make teenagers fight to the death. Or they could easily be worse, who knows? I'm not sure if I'd like to find out. There might not even be anyone out there.

We all sit in our shelter, and kill some time by talking about stories from our games. Finnick and Gloss' stories aren't that interesting. Finn was amazing, and had an easy time. He never asked for anything from the sponsors, but they showered him with gifts regardless. Gloss stayed in the Career pack, and when there were six tributes left, he killed his allies in his sleep as well as his enemies, and won by sunrise. Johanna talks about how she fooled everyone with her strategy, and she's not sure how, since it wasn't even that good of a strategy. "I've gotten a lot better, I used to be a total bitch."

Finnick nods in agreement. "Hate to break it to you Jo, but you still are." She shoots him a dirty look, but they both start cracking up. I'm a little jealous of their friendship, but I know that they don't have any romantic feelings for each other any more. None of that'll matter in a few days anyways, we'll be dead. I tell them about how I don't even know what I was thinking when I volunteered for my sister, how I knew how to use a bow and arrow since I used to hunt outside the fence in District 12 for food, and how I didn't think I'd actually win, but I knew I'd try. The whole romance with the boy from my district was fake, and used as a strategy. But I did kind of fall in love with him. That didn't last long, since Peeta died.

"Guys, wanna hear something amazing?" Cashmere asks us. Not waiting for a reply, she continues, "Think about us before our games. We were nothing special. When we were reaped for the first time, if we had died, it really wouldn't have mattered. Sure, our families and friends would miss us, but it wouldn't really affect the majority of people. Now, Johanna Mason is a household name. Your games were arguably the most entertaining, ever. Gloss and I were the only two tributes who brought their district to win two years in a row. Well, besides you and Gale. Finnick, you singlehandedly killed half of the people in your games. Katniss, you moved the whole country to tears when you volunteered for your sister. You got an eleven, which is unheard of from a outlying district. And you were the first person to get a 12. But when we die, and all of us but one will, these things won't be forgotten. They'll still replay the tapes from our games. They'll still talk about how Katniss Everdeen and Finnick Odair were the ultimate star-crossed lovers. They'll talk about Johanna Mason, and how nobody ever could use an axe like she could. They'll talk about all of us, and it's okay that we're gonna die, because we'll have made a difference in other people's lives. We'll be remembered forever."

We're stunned into silence. Her speech of sorts was nothing short of beautiful. I look in the sky, and the sun is almost completely down. The anthem begins to play. We all know what that means. We get to see who has died today. I heard eight cannons go off, but I was only there for six of the eight deaths. I wonder who the other two are. I killed two today. That makes my body count is a whopping six. Compared to some people (like Finnick or Johanna) that's nothing, but for me, that's six too many. I can kill, and I will when necessary. But why does there have to be a time where it's necessary to end lives?

The faces flash by one after another. The man from 5, the woman from 6, Cecelia. Her children are now motherless. The woman from 9, both tributes from 10. Seeder, and Chaff. Seeder was a grandmother. Chaff, he had no children, no wife. But he had Haymitch. I think of drunk, old Haymitch. His best friend. The only person Haymitch cared about. He's gone too. One third of the tributes, gone. A normal amount for the first day. But it feels different, since I know most of the tributes. I've seen all of them, but I know only three. Cecelia, Chaff, Seeder. There's no words to describe how sick I feel. "Brutus and Enobaria, Nuts and Volts, Mags, the women from 5 and 6, Blight, Woof, the man from 9, and Gale. As well as all of us. That makes 16." Johanna reminds us. I notice how she says Gale's name with hostility. I shift uncomfortably, and try to stifle a yawn. "I'll keep watch tonight." Johanna suggests.

"Wake me up in a few hours. I'll take over." Cashmere tells her. We all agree to this. Johanna takes an axe, and a basket filled with water, and places herself outside of the shelter. The four of us lie next to each other in the tent. I curl up on Finnick and use his chest as a pillow. He kisses my forehead. "Please you two, don't fuck while we're sleeping. I'm asking nicely." Cashmere pleads. Gloss chuckles, and I tell her that we'll try, but no promises. And if we do, we'll keep it quiet. I wouldn't though. My family is watching, the whole worldis watching. I drift into sleep.

"When have we ever been quiet?" Finn asks me jokingly. Never. I crane my neck up and kiss him passionately. The whole world seem to fade to the background. If I could wish for one thing, it would be to spend my whole life safely with Finnick. I love him, and it's taken me this long to realize it. Sure, I know very well that I'm in love with him, and I've told him that I love him, but I know for sure that I love him now. Looks like he's my first and last love.That sucks.

"I love you." I tell him quietly. I hear Finn mumble something, but I don't catch it, I'm already half-asleep. I'm so tired, I don't dream, which luckily means no nightmares. I wake up to a loud boom and a flash of light. I sit up, startled. Johanna is sleeping next to me where Cashmere was a few hours ago. It must be around midnight, by the darkness. I try to fall back asleep, but I can't. I wake up again, a few hours later.

It's pitch black out, but I still can see somethings from the moonlight. I tiptoe out of the shelter, and see Cashmere chatting with someone. It's Mags. "Hey, Mags." I greet her. She stands up and gives me a hug, and says something that sounds like a greeting. Her speech is garbled, I think she had a stroke a few years back. I do know that she's a sweetheart. She's like a kind grandmother. I never met any of my grandparents, they all died before I was born. Practically nobody lives past sixty in the poorer districts. I met Madge's grandmother once. She was the nicest person I think I've ever met. She was a teenager when the Hunger Games first started, and would tell us stories about before the Dark Days. Mags tries to tell me something, but I have no idea what she's saying. I raise an eyebrow at Cashmere, hoping she knows.

"Mags said that she saw Gale, and that he's doing okay." Cashmere explains. I know Mags doesn't mean any harm, but really, I don't even want to hear his name right now.

"Thank you." I smile at her. "That's good to know, he's like a brother to me." I try to stress the word brother. No matter how Gale feels about me, I never have and never will have any type of romantic feelings towards him.

"Ugh. I don't care if he was your best friend for however many years, he's still an asshole, and that's all he'll ever be in my eyes. Sorry, it's true. He was a total jerk to you, and rude to Finnick. Some of the things that he said to you are just... unforgivable. And he's a liar."

"Well, yeah. But what did he do that made him a liar?" I ask her. "You guys are keeping something from me. It's not fair. Just because I'm younger doesn't make me dumb or untrustworthy. I'm an equal here, treat me like it. What's going on?"

Cashmere just mutters, "Don't worry about it." She looks like she's going to say something else, but she jumps up and drops her jaw. "Oh, shit." Her eyes are wide with fear. Mags has a similar expression. I turn around. There appears to be some type of translucent mist creeping towards us. Something about the way it moves, makes me sense that it's not just fog. This is the creation of the Gamemakers. In the few seconds it takes to wake everyone up and grab our valuables, I begin to blister.


	31. Chapter 31

_Shit._ This is not good, not good at all. Whatever this is, it's definitely lethal. All six of us run down the hill trying to get away from the terrible fog/mist thing. But who knows how long it could span for? For some reason, I'm having a harder time than usual running. I'm not sure why, but it probably has to do with the fact I died earlier. Mags can't keep up, and Gloss has to piggy-back her down the hill, slowing them both down considerately.

We're all having a hard time running away. The fog has caught up, and we're almost surrounded in the thick gas. Cashmere, who was in the back, got the worst of it. Her limbs are jumping all over the place, she has no control over them. Finnick has to carry her, since neither Johanna or I can. A few steps I hear a commotion, and realize that there's some type of issue. "Are you sure none of you can carry her?" Gloss asks. He's on the dirt, and there's a large gash on his cheek. He must have fallen.

We all know Johanna can't. She's maybe five feet tall, and wound topple over. I'm out of the question, pink and panting. I turn to Finnick. He shakes his head, and I notice his eyes are shining with unshed tears. "I can't. My legs aren't working." He's right. They're cramping and he's having random muscle spasms.

What happens next is so fast, I barely have time to register the turn of events. Mags hobbles over to Finnick, and kisses him on the lips. She whispers, so the cameras can't hear, "Go. Make me proud, get them out of here. Especially her." She looks at me. Mags kisses my cheek, and runs into the fog. Her body contorts in a terrible dance, and the cannon goes off.

"We need to move." Finnick says, running down the hill with Cashmere. He shows no emotion, at all. Finally, we reach a clearing, and we get to the beach. The fog stops, as if it's some reached some invisible barrier. The Gamemakers are saying: _That's enough. You can live, for now._ My legs buckle, and I fall in the sand. Finnick drops Cashmere unceremoniously on top of me, and I yelp out in pain. "Sorry." He mumbles. We're all laying on top of each other in the sand. "I'll watch for the rest of the night." He suggests. I want to offer to take over, but he looks like he's about to cry any second now. Mags. He needs time to mourn. I drift off into an uncomfortable sleep, in the sand, in a pile of bodies.

I wake up in the middle of the night to a horrifying nightmare where the fog rips my skin off. The blisters have been terribly itchy scabs. I see Finnick scratching wildly. "You shouldn't scratch them." I tell him. He shrugs, and rolls his eyes dramatically at me. I pretend to not notice his puffy eyes and red nose. I've never seen someone that beautiful look so raw with emotions.

When I wake up again, there's blood dried under my nails. I've been picking my skin raw in my sleep. "You know, you shouldn't scratch them." Finn tells me. I laugh, and kiss him softly, trying to act restrained. Day 2 in the arena has begun. Everyone in the world is watching what I'm experiencing in real time. I need to be focused. I just feel gross. The humid air makes me sticky with sweat that sticks my hair to my forehead and my jumpsuit to my skin. The suit got so damaged from the fog, its completely tattered up. I decide to just take it off, leaving me in a tank top, bra and underwear with the dumb water shoes. Finnick raises an eyebrow at me, amused. "I really don't mind, believe me, but why are you taking your clothes off?"

I shrug, and laugh a little. "They're ruined. It's pointless." I take the purple belt, and clip it around my waist. "Besides, we're always in some state of undress. Whats the point of getting dressed in the first place?" Most people would assume that's a reference to our sex life, but it's more of a prostitution reference. Regardless, the former is true as well. I comb my fingers through my hair, and re-braid it. The fog thinned it out considerably. Fantastic. Now I'll die looking bald.

Finn nods in agreement., taking off his jumpsuit. He's shirtless, and I'm positive the camera is catching this. "Very true. See, this is what I love about you. You're beautiful and funny, but you're also really smart." I can just picture the audience going awwww. I kiss him again, because it's just so cute and I don't even know what to say in response that would explain how I feel for him.

"Oh, come on you two." Johanna rolls her eyes, sitting behind us. She must have just woken up. Her scabs look worse than ours, and the left side of her face must have some type of damage on her nerves, since it's drooping. "Making out naked on mandatory viewing? That's classy, isn't it."

"If you were dating me, you'd do the exact same thing. Don't deny it." Finnick assumes cockily. "But seriously, the jumpsuits are shit, and they don't do anything. And being mostly naked will probably get more sponsors. Especially when you look like this." He points to his well-defined abs. Before I won my Games and I heard Finnick make remarks like this, I would think that he was an arrogant jerk. But now I know he says these kinds of things to keep up the identity the Capitol gave him and to keep his family safe. Even though he is very good looking. Finnick Odair is nothing short of beautiful.

"Oh. So it's that kind of party." Gloss stands up and whips off his shirt and pants. I can't help myself from giggling a little. _Get your shit together, Katniss. You're an eighteen years old, nudity shouldn't make you blush_ , I tell myself.

"I'm gonna go for a swim. I'm really sweaty." I tell everyone.

"Then stop having sex on world-wide broadcasted television." Cashmere teases. "Wait up. I'll come with you." I try to stand up, but my legs aren't working, like how Johanna's face is drooping. Cashmere is able to walk, but her arms seem to be temporarily paralyzed or something. I crawl down the beach. The foam from the wave comes up the beach, and goes over my scabbed hand. I scream from the pain. "Rubbing salt in a wound?" Cashmere asks.

I nod. "Yeah. But it's alright. I think the water opens up the blisters. Every new blister releases some translucent white liquid in the ocean. The pain is almost too much to handle, but it feels a lot better. Cashmere and I go in a few inches at a time, and we manage to cleanse our bodies. I feel revitalized and a lot cleaner. The scabs rub off, and reveal new pink skin underneath. I'm able to walk out of the water, and Cashmere can't stop swinging her arms. We run back to our camp.

"Hey Finnick! We found a way to make you pretty again." I tell him.

"Thank God." Finn drawls. "I've never been not attractive before. The sensation is completely new to me." He turns to Johanna and asks, "How have you managed all these years?"

"Just don't look in the mirror, you'll forget about it." She advises him, rolling her eyes.

"Not if I keep looking at you." He retorts jokingly. Jo sticks her tongue out at him. Everyone laughs. Cashmere and I fill up the baskets with sea water, and pour them on Finnick slowly. He grunts from the pain, but there is no white liquid that comes out of his. It's a gas, similar to the fog itself. We take care to stay away from that. When Finnick is able to stand up, he walks across the beach to the ocean/sea/whatever body of water that's in the arena.

If the water made me feel better, it completely transformed Finn. He dives in gracefully, and twists and turns like some strange sea creature. I would think that the pain would overwhelm him, but he doesn't seem to care. He does some type of flip and stays underwater for a few minutes. I run towards the sand, positive that he's drowned. He pops up right in front of my face, and I jump back a few feet. "Oh my God! Jeez, Finnick. Don't do that." I try to calm myself down. He scared the crap out of me.

"Do what?" He asks innocently, "Go underwater or come up?"

"Both. Neither. I don't know." I shrug. "Come on. Let's get water on Jo and Gloss." Cashmere and I start to slowly detoxify Gloss. Finnick stays in the water since Gloss doesn't need much help. He got the least of the fog, and only uses half a basket of water. He's fine. We watch silently as Gloss picks Johanna up, and throws her over his shoulder. She squeals. He walks her to the water, and dumps her in. "I don't think that was a good idea." I tell Cashmere. She nods, slowly.

It takes a few minutes for Johanna to resurface, and when she does, Finnick has to restrain her. She's cursing Gloss out, and it'd be funny if it wasn't so terrifying. You shouldn't get killers angry. Their response is to kill. Then again, we're all killers. So, I guess it's okay. I watch Finnick dump her in and out of the water, holding her by her feet. When he lets go of her, she flips her short hair out of her hair, and storms over to Gloss.

"You." She points a finger at him, trying to be intimidating. It doesn't really work, since he's a foot and a half taller than her. "You're very lucky you're my friend. Or all of you would be dead."

Cashmere rolls her eyes at her comment. "Oh, I'm sure we would be. You'd be the winner of this Games. Not Katniss, the underdog that the country loves. Or Finnick, the person with the largest body count. Because the Capitol obviously doesn't love him and won't sponsor him. We're all well trained killers, I think we'd all cancel each other out. Gloss, that was retarded. But don't kill him over it."

"I hate to break it," I say, "but we're all gonna die very soon. Except for one of us. Let's keep this friendly for as long as we possibly can."

Johanna shrugs. Cashmere smiles. Gloss nods. Finnick comes out of the water, and wraps his arms around my waist from behind me. "So, what's the plan for today?" He asks all of us, "Are we killing, minding our own buisness, or some combination of both?"

"Both." Cashmere suggests. "If they come here we'll kill them, no problem. But I think it's better if we don't go out of our way to kill. Especially since we know these people. It makes it a bit more inhumane."

"What, is kids fighting to the death suddenly not inhumane?" Johanna retorts. She does have a point.

Cashmere sighs. "You know what I mean. Your first games, it was a lot easier to kill since you didn't see your opponents as people with personalities, families, feelings all that stuff."

My stomach growls, and I realize I'm very hungry. I haven't eaten at all today (even though its still the morning) and I didn't eat much yesterday. Even though there have been a lot of times where I've eaten less, by body is used to the three-course meals from the Capitol, and lately, I've been eating a lot more. As if something could read my mind, we receive a silver parachute. We all stare at it for a little, before Finnick suggests, "Why doesn't Katniss open it? She died yesterday."

I open it up, and there appears to be some type of strange bread. I give it to Finn. He examines each roll carefully. "It's from District 3." He tells Johanna.

"How many?" She asks.

"Twelve. So we each get two, and we'll hold on to the leftovers." He responds, as he passes two out to everyone. The two leftovers are for the last two of us. I see a flash of blue light, and a cannon sounds. We all look around in confusion. A hovercraft picks up the body, and lifts it towards the sky. I can't tell who it is, but some how, Johanna can.

"Blight." She whispers. She shakes her head a little, and puts three fingers to her lips. After a moment, she speaks up. "I think he ran into the force field like Katniss did." I eat my bread in silence.

A few minutes later, I hear loud footsteps. Johanna, Finnick and I jump to our feet, weapons in hand. We're greeted by the two tributes from District 3, and both Johanna and Finnick drop their weapons. I guess they can be considered friends. Wiress and Beetee, Nuts and Volts. Beetee looks pale and is limping. Wiress is muttering to herself. "What happened?" Finnick asks them.

"Blight ran into the force field, and his heart stopped." Beetee mutters, adjusting his glasses. He puts his arm around Wiress. "Wiress, I don't know. She's trying to tell us something, but I can't figure it out." Wiress is singing some children's song about mice and clocks, and keeps saying tick, tock over and over again.

"Looks like Nuts has gone nuts." Johanna says under her breath. Cashmere shoots her a look. I look at Beetee. There's a large gash in his back. "He got a knife in the back at the Cornucopia." Johanna explains.

"I'll help clean you up." I tell Beetee. If Finnick and Johanna trust him, I guess I should show him that I'm an ally. Even if any alliance that we formed would have to be very temporary. I slowly peel off his wetsuit, and clean him off in the water. I have to get him completely to do this, and it bothers me a bit less than usual. I wrap a ton of that moss thats everywhere around his torso, and help him put his jumpsuit back on. I notice that there's some type of wire around his ankle. "What is that?" I ask him.

"Well, it's a wire. But it's no ordinary wire." Beetee explains, handing it to me. It's very fine, and must be enormously long. I cock my head at him, confused. "Well, I know all this because I invented it." Something here doesn't add up. Are the Gamemakers even allowed to put that in? I guess they are. It constitutes as a weapon, and more weapons makes a better show. Beetee goes to eat one of our extra rolls. I take the bloody wire, unwrap it, and give it to Wiress. She washes it, and I try to talk to her.

"Tick tock." Wiress tells me. Her tone is urgent. I nod, pretending to know what she means. There's another flash of light, and lightning hits the same tree that was struck by lighting at the same time yesterday, and around midnight. From where the sun is in the sky, it looks to be around noon. That's a twelve hour difference. Twelve. There's twelve districts, twelve spokes in the arena, twelve hours. Tick, tock. Tick tock. I think of Plutarch Heavensbee, the Head Gamemaker, and his mockingjay watch. It starts at midnight!

"Tick tock. The arena is a clock." I mutter. It's a clock! Wiress smiles at me, and gives me a hug. That's what she was trying to tell me. I run on to the beach, and over to everyone. "You guys! You guys! I figured it out! The arena – it's a clock. That's what the tick tock thing means, and that's why the tree is struck by lightning every twelve hours." Every section has a different lethal thing, every hour brings a new terror. This is a relief to find out, but it scares me. They probably did this because they knew that there would be more hesitation to kill this year.

"That makes sense now." Gloss muses. "Oh shit-" He stands up. I look in the water, and it's bright red. Brutus has cut a red smile on Wiress' throat. Her body is floating in the water. I pat the spile in my belt to make sure it's still there, load a bow, and shoot. He jumps into the water, and I hit the back of his calf. "Let me." He says, taking a spear. I shadow Gloss.

I see the hovercraft materialize to take Wiress, and I swim to reach her, leaving my bow and sheath of arrows on the sand. It takes a while, but I get out to her just in time. Her death grip on the wire is so strong, I literally have to pry it out of her hands. I manage to do so, and swim back to shore. When I get there, I see that both Brutus and Cashmere are lying lifeless, and Gloss is just holding onto Cashmere. I make a choking noise, but I have to hold whatever I feel for later. There's a time to mourn, but that's not right now.

As soon as I drop the wire, I feel a pair of hands wrap around my waist. I look down at the hands, expecting them to be Finnick's. They're not. I turn around, and see Enobaria's dark eyes staring at mine. She pushes me to the ground, and places her knees on either side of me, so she's kneeling over me. She covers my mouth with her hand, so I can't scream. "Katniss Everdeen." She croons. "Sweet Katniss from poor District 12. Volunteers for her sister, oh, what a heroine. Suddenly, everyone loves her, and she's snagged Finnick Odair as her arm candy. Sweetie, he's just using you for the fame. He's gonna break your heart like he broke mine. But I'm not gonna let that happen. Wanna know why? Cause I'm gonna kill you, right here and-"

"Get the fuck off her!" Finnick picks Enobaria up off me. "Jesus, I forgot how psychotic you are." He turns to me. "Are you alright?" I nod.

"Don't touch her. I call dibs." Johanna says. Finnick drops her by Johanna's feet and helps me up. I shake the sand of me, and watch Johanna. She's on top of Enobaria, her knee on Enobaria's chest. "You have no idea how much I hate you. You don't even know. It sucks you're not gonna find out." She takes the axe from beside Enobaria's body. "You know what? Maybe I'll show you." Johanna doesn't just give her a death blow to the head or chest. She basically cuts her into pieces, from her feet up. Gloss has to pull Johanna off Enobaria so the hovercraft gets off her. The sight is extremely disturbing, to say the least. I think I'm gonna have nightmares about that. My meal from earlier makes a reappearance in the ocean.

I think at this point we all see how lethal Johanna is. It honestly terrifies me. She sits down next to me, her hands still red with Enobaria's blood. She washes her hands in the basket we use to drink water. I think I hear Gloss gag, but it's a sob. Whatever I'm feeling for Cashemere, it's a lot worse for her. Johanna puts her now clean hands around Cashmere's shoulder. Beetee says nothing, and looks at his feet. "I'm gonna get some more water, since we don't have a lot left. It's gonna be very easy to get dehydrated here." I tell everyone. Finnick joins me. We bring the spile and four baskets. Finnick has his trident, I have my bow and a sheath of arrows. As we walk to a section a few hundred yards away, I ask him, "What was Enobaria talking about, with you breaking her heart?"

Finn sighs, and runs his hand through his hair. "That was maybe eight or nine years ago. I hooked up with her a few times, and she thought it was love or something. I didn't. I started going out with Jo, she got jealous, and made it a huge deal. I never really could stand her."

For some reason, that makes me feel a little better than if they dated and somehow, her heart was broken. "Let's split up to look for a good tree, but stay close." I tell Finnick. We walk into some section of the jungle, and hope for the best. I only get a few feet into the section when I hear a very familiar scream.


	32. Chapter 32

My feet move before my mind can stop me, and I'm running mindlessly towards the source of Prim's screams. How is that even possible? There's no way that Prim is here. But somehow, she's shrieking. It's terrifying, and sounds like how she screamed when I volunteered. "Prim! Prim!" I call out, trying to reach her. It's not that smart – anybody could hear me and find me, but my enemies are the least of my concerns. I need to protect my sister. Five minutes later, I find the sound, it's coming from above me.

I look up at the tree where her screams are coming from, and Prim's not there. Instead, there's a black bird. It looks familiar, but I can't place it. It must be a jabberjay. I've never seen one, they're practically extinct, but I try to combine it's appearance with that of a mockingbird, and it looks like a mockingjay. I release a bow and shoot it out of the tree. I take the arrow out of it's skull, and kick it under a bush. No amount of starvation would ever make me eat that.

I hear footsteps behind me, and I turn around, arrow positioned to shoot. It's not an enemy though, it's Finnick. He's covered in sweat. "What the hell was that?" He asks me. "That sounded like your sister- oh my god." He gives me a tight hug. I can't stop shaking. I hear another bird starting up in the distance. This time, it's not Prim. It's someone else. I've never seen Finnick jump up that quick, and just run. I follow him, but I'm not sure who's voice that is. I listen while I chase after him. It's Annie Cresta's screams.

"Annie! Annie!" He screams. I shoot down the bird, and it lands by his feet. He picks it up, and turns to me. "What is this?"

"It's a jabberjay. It sounds like them, but it's not real." I explain.

Finnick's face pales. "Jabberjays repeat sounds or phrases they've heard." I let what he's saying sink in. Somewhere, Prim made those noises. I imagine her strapped to a table, and some Capitol person making her emit those noises. He bites his lip, looking pained. I must look the same.

"This is exactly what they said they wouldn't do. We played by their rules, and they said they wouldn't touch our families." I say, on the verge of hysteria. What did we do to make this happen?"

"It isn't us – it's everyone. This is another hour in the arena, they got them from the family of every tribute who's still alive." In the distance, another bird starts up. It must be someone Finnick knows. We just sit on the jungle floor, our heads in our hands. I cover my ears so hard, trying to squish my head. I give up trying to shoot the birds, it's a waste of arrows. The list of screams seems never ending: one more of Finnick's loved ones, followed by my mother, Madge, Hazelle and the kids (not Gale though), and Haymitch. "Haymitch?" Finnick asks, surprised.

"I wasn't expecting that either." I mutter. Eventually, he helps me up when the birds seem to stop. We walk towards the edge of the section, and see Johanna, Gloss and Beetee standing there, waiting. Why didn't they help us? I see Gloss moving his lips, but I can't hear him. I put my hand out in front of me, and there's some type of barrier. That's why. Johanna's axe can't make a scratch in it.

The birds start up again, and they're all people Finnick know. I hold him, trying to calm him and myself down. After what feels like a lifetime, I feel Johanna helping me up. "You heard that, right?" Finnick asks them. She nods.

"It's not real." Johanna sighs, rolling her eyes. She has no patience for anyone. "They didn't kill your family. There's ten of us left. What happens when you get to the final eight?"

I can tell she's trying to help, so I try to think. Finally, I get what she's meaning. "They interview your family and friends back home."

"Exactly. So they're not dead. Besides, all of Panem's in love with your little sister. They'd overthrow the government or something if they killed her." She explains, rolling her eyes as if it's the most obvious thing. She tilts her head to the sky and yells, "Whole country in rebellion? We wouldn't want anything like that!"

My eyes widen. You don't say those types of things, you just don't. And here she is, screaming them on world-wide viewed television. That takes guts. But then again, she has nothing to lose.

"Then how did they get those sounds out of them?" Finn asks.

It's Beetee who answers this time. "It's quite possible that the Gamemakers warped their voices from an interview to make them sound like screams. It's a very simple technique. We teach school-aged children something similar back in District 3."

"Let's get the hell out of here." Gloss says, not that anyone actually wants to stay here. Before we walk away, I hug him tightly and kiss his cheek. It's not a romantic thing, I just feel the need to comfort him. He sniffs and smiles warmly at me. As we walk, I hold onto Finnick's hand tightly. Johanna wraps her arm around Gloss' back.

"You okay?" He asks me. It's a dumb question. Cashmere died. We were terrorized by our loved ones' screams. I raise an eyebrow at him, as if to say really? You think I'm possibly okay?

"I don't want to let go of you, until the day I die." I tell him. Finnick swoops down and kisses me. I then start tearing up a little. We have what, a few days until one of us (or both) is dead. It terrifies me, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to think about it at all, but that's foolish. We walk to a new section on the beach where Johanna, Beetee and Gloss have made a new camp before coming to get us. I flop down on the sand. I look around and realize that we're all in our underclothes, minus Beetee. My shirt is covered in sand, dirt and sweat. I'll wash it in the ocean, and hang it to dry on a tree. But later. I don't want to get up, I'm exhausted. Finnick sits down next to me and calls everyone over. He takes a stick and draws a lopsided circle in the sand and splits it into three, six, twelve sections. He labels them like a clock.

"Here," he says, writing lightning in the twelve-to-one section "is midnight and noon. The lightning hits the tree. Beetee, you said to me that one o'clock is the blood rain. Two is-"

"Some type of fog." Beetee cuts him off. "I saw you all running away from it maybe half an hour to forty-five minutes after we got out of the blood-rain section." Finnick writes fog in the section.

"Three is the monkeys." Gloss adds. "After the fog I couldn't sleep, so I walked into the section next door. I recognized the mutts from a previous games, and walked straight out. They're deadly."

"Okay. It looks like five thirty or so from the sky, so the jabberjays are four o'clock." Johanna says. Finnick writes down monkey and jabberjays in the next two sections. "Does anyone know anything else?"

Finnick writes down wave and insects at the ten-to-eleven and eleven-to-twelve sections, respectively. "There's a large wave around ten, and some weird clicking noise from eleven to twelve. Does anyone have anything else?" He asks. Almost as soon as he says it, the earth begins to shake. I don't know what's going on, but the beach is moving. I have nothing to grasp onto, except for Finnick's arm. I have lost my grip on the world, both literally and in a metaphorical sense. When we stop spinning, I'm so disoriented I throw up again. Finnick cringes, and I hear Gloss and Johanna whispering about something. Gloss stands up. "I'm gonna get water." He has a knife and a basket. I hand him the spile I (luckily) had attached to my belt. Johanna has one axe, and Finnick one trident. I have my bow and one sheath of arrows left.

"The arena's still the same. They just rotated the center, so we don't know which way twelve o'clock is." Beetee says. Gamemaker interception. It's because we knew about the arena. He turns to me. "Katniss, are you alright? You seem ill."

"I'm not a doctor, but she's been throwing up a lot." Finnick runs a hand through his hair. He sounds concerned.

"Guys, not important. Whatever it is, it's not deadly or anything. And if Katniss makes it out of the arena, the Capitol doctors will fix her right up." Johanna concludes. She doesn't say and if she doesn't make it out, we don't have to worry about it, but it's what we're all thinking. I see a hovercraft drop down a few sections away and pick up chunks of body parts. I frown. Whatever's in that section isn't good. Gloss comes back and I sip water. My stomach still feels a bit off. I hear a commotion by the Cornucopia. Someone is being brutally stabbed. I recognize the killer. Gale. I'm not sure who's being killed though. Finnick hisses through his teeth, and I squeeze his hand. Gale steps away from the body, and walks towards us. I jump to my feet, arrow in place and ready to strike.

"Oh wow. You just love walking around naked, don't you Katniss? You've really turned into the slut. Then again, look at who you keep company with. Four sluts and a nerd?" He scoffs. I drop my bow and close the gap between us.

I take the collar of his jump suit, and grasp it so I'm fisting the fabric by his throat. "Listen to me, Gale Hawthorne. I am many things, but I am not a slut. You're just... I don't know. Please don't make me kill you."

I hear Johanna and Finnick say "Dibs." at the same time.

Gale drops his bloody knife and puts his hands up in the air dramatically. "I'm not here to be violent with you guys. I won't kill any of you in the near future. I actually came to see how you were feeling Katniss. You've been unwell these past few months, hasn't she, Johanna?"

"What does he mean?" Finnick asks, taking the words out of my mouth.

"How the fuck should I know?" She shrugs.

"Don't play dumb." Gale yells. "Well, I guess it doesn't matter. We'll all find out very soon. The whole world will find out." He picks up the knife and turns to leave. "Or maybe we won't".

"You're friends with him?" Beetee asks, in disbelief.

"No. We haven't been friends since I won my Games." I clarify. Beetee seems relieved. I turn to Johanna. "What do you know? Please, tell me. Please." I beg.

She shakes her head at me. "Jo?" Finnick asks, barely above a whisper.

"No. No." Johanna mutters, her breaths becoming shaky and losing their rhythmic pattern. She puts her head between her knees. There is something serious going on, and it's really unnerving me. "I can't tell you. I thought I knew, but I don't. Cash was going to tell me, but that never happened." It probably was a bit too soon for that reference, but even though her and Cashmere were friends, Johanna doesn't care about that crap.

"Don't lie to me." Finnick hisses. "Johanna, don't fucking lie to me." I'm taken aback. He's never been this hostile to anyone, especially his best friend.

I need to cut into this. "Stop! Stop, stop, stop. Why does everything have to be about me all the time? Just cut it out. If there was something going on with me, I think I would know. And Finn, I would tell you first. Just stop." That seems to shut them up. I look over and realize Gale is still standing a few yards away, an amused expression on his face. I yell towards him. "What do you think you're still doing here."

"Waiting for the bombshell to drop." Gale states simply as if he was talking about the weather or some other mundane topic.

"There is no bombshell, sorry." I call, wanting him to leave.

"Yes there is, Katniss. Just think about it. You know." He insists. I don't move. "Need me to spell it out for you?"

"Yes, I do, actually. Please, Gale. Tell me. What is this mysterious possible thing that you would know about me that I wouldn't-" I trail off. There is one thing. One possible thing. No. I think back to the day in the training center flats. I was too scared to look at that pregnancy test. Gale told me I wasn't pregnant. He could have easily lied. I could easily be pregnant right now. There could be a fetus growing inside me right now. The missed periods, the nausea and sickness, the aching body pains. That would put me at four, almost five months pregnant.

He raises an eyebrow and smirks.

I am going to kill him.

I lunge forward and tackle Gale, hitting and scratching. I don't have a weapon, but I do have my fingernails. Those can cause a lot of damage. I'm screaming and I really, really want to kill him. So much. "You fucking lied to me, Gale! I trusted you and you lied."

Gale pushes me off him. I cough up sand. "I didn't lie, I just told you what you wanted to hear."

"You should have just not said anything. That's all I wanted. You ruined my life." Both Gloss and Finnick have to pull me off him.

"What the fuck is going on?" Finnick asks. He's angry now, but just shakes his head. "Forget it. You weren't gonna tell me anyways." He stands up, and pats Gale's back. But he hits Gale in the jaw, and pushes him away. "Now get the fuck out of here, before I regret letting you go alive."

"Enough of this bullshit." Gloss shakes his head. I sit back down, and sip some water. I take some deep breaths. Gale is just messing with you. He's an asshole, that's what he does. You're not pregnant. You'd know if you were pregnant. Chill out.

I don't notice that Johanna has sat down next to me until she starts talking. "Are you alright?" I'm kind of mad at her, since I think Gale told her and Cashmere that I was pregnant. Regardless, she's trying to help, so I try to be kind about it.

"Yeah. Gale's just an asshole. Ugh, I really hate him." I shrug. I don't want to talk about him.

"He's pretty cute." She shrugs. I tug on the hemline of my shirt, remembering when he kissed me and how even though I didn't initiate the kiss, or reciprocate it, I didn't mind that he kissed me, and that's terrible. If I had any feelings for him, they went unnoticed by myself, and I obviously don't feel anything for him.

"You went from Finnick to Gale of all people?"

"Finn's out of my league. You're in his though. You're really fucking pretty, but very hard to hate. I don't like it. You have that whole starving hunter from 12 and no parents and taking care of the family act, except it's not an act."

I stand up, since I got a fantastic idea. "C'mon," I tell Jo, bringing her over to where Beetee, Gloss and Finnick are talking about something. I start a small fire, and boil some water, and use some leaves I've recognized from my mother's apothecary book to make tea. "We're gonna do something fun. I don't care if we're in a fight to the death, I want to have my last memories be good ones."

"Hey, Natalie." Johanna yells. "Can I get a pack of cigs or something? I haven't smoked in god-knows how long. Like a year. Just take it out of Finnick's fund. Or send me your own." Finnick shoots her a look and shakes his head. She just shakes her shrugs. "What? I'm not asking for a bottle of vodka or anything. I just wanna light up."

A few minutes later, two parachutes show up. Johanna grabs one, and opens it like an excited small child getting sweets. She takes a cigarette out, and lights it. She takes a pull and blows the smoke out in my face. I cough loudly, and Gloss guffaws. Beetee fidgets around, looking uncomfortable. I lay my head in Finnick's lap, and let him play with my recently very fine hair. Johanna gives Gloss one of her cigarettes. "Why do you guys smoke?" I ask them. It's not confrontational, I'm just curious.

"We're gonna die anyways?" Johanna shrugs.

It's Finnick who answers me. "Why do people drink or use morphling? It's an escape. Capitol people also think it's glamorous, but they use it for their reasons." I shrug. He makes a good point. I notice that Beetee has opened the second parachute.

"It's bread from District Three," he tells us. "There's twenty-four rolls, and only five of us. We all can have four for dinner." And after one of us dies, we can split them up evenly, we all think. Nobody says it out loud, not even Johanna. But it's on all of our minds, everyone can tell. What else would we be thinking about? We are in the Hunger Games of all places. Yet this time, it doesn't feel real. I don't think it's hit me yet that in a few days, there will only be one of us left.

We munch on our bread, and some fish I didn't even notice that Finnick apparently caught earlier. The sun is setting, and its chilly without the hot light beating down on me. I wrap my arms arms around my legs, and try to keep myself warm. Finnick scoots over and wraps his arm around me. I lay my head on his knees. The sunset is beautiful, but this marks the end of Day 2. The anthem plays. Johanna squeezes my hand so hard I think it might loose circulation.

The faces flash by. It feels so much more personal, now that I know them. Cashmere. Brutus. Enobaria. Wiress. Mags. The female morphling, from 6. Blight. Woof. They're all dead. Two thirds of the tributes gone in two days. That has to be some type of record. At this rate, there will be a winner by tomorrow. Who's left? I do a headcount. Gloss, Finnick, myself, Beetee and Johanna. I saw Gale, he's alive. There's one more. The man from 9. I don't know who he is. It's probably good that I don't. He's our last target. Then, what? I can't kill any of the people left. Hopefully, I'll die from some jungle illness, and Finnick can go home.

"What do we do tomorrow?" I ask Finnick, my whispers concealed by my hair, so only he can hear. "Our alliance has five people. There's seven left. This would be a good time to call it off, but I wouldn't be able to bear doing so. I love all of you guys, I'm at a standstill. What will we do? What can we do?"

"Nothing. We can't do anything, so we won't do anything." He tells me, quietly. He kisses my forehead, but I notice he's yawning. It's getting late I guess. Even though it's only eight or nine at night, it's been such a long day. As if on cue, Finnick says. "You should go to bed. I'll watch." He turns to me, "Go to sleep. You need your rest."

I hear Gloss, Johanna and Beetee retreat to our camp a few yards away in the forest, but I don't move from the beach. "No way. I'm not leaving your side." I insist, even though I probably sound ridiculously stubborn.

Finnick shrugs. "Actually, I think I'd prefer having you right here." He puts his arm around me, and I curl up into his muscular chest. After a minute he sighs. "Look, Katniss. We both know what the other is trying to do here. I know you want me to come out alive, but I don't think I can let that happen. You're still so young, you deserve the chance to live the rest of your life."

I shake my head. "No. It wouldn't be living without you there. I'll spend my days drunk and alone, like Haymitch. And I won't have any friends left either. Cashmere – she's gone. If I come out, than Johanna, Gloss and you will all be gone as well. Besides, you know what'll become a lot worse if I'm single."

"What makes you think I'd enjoy that any more?" He asks. "I'll be just as alone. I don't think I can fathom life without you."

"You'll be fine, Finnick. You'll move on. You have your sister and your dad and Annie. You have Annie, okay? Don't tell me you don't love her."

"I love her, but in a different way. I love her like a kid sister, or like a best friend. I love you, in the sense that I want to be with you forever. And my definition of forever is more than two or three days."

"Then what do you want to do?" I ask him. We're at a standstill. I get an idea, not letting him answer.  
"Let's take our minds off this. Whatever happens, I want to die happy."

I push Finnick onto his back, and kiss him in the sand. He wraps his arms around me, and I let his fingers tangle my hair. This is kiss is different. It's probably more passionate than all of the other times we've kissed before. Maybe it's because we only have a limited number of kisses, touches, hand-holds left. I don't pull away from his lips until we're both gasping for breath. I bite his lip playfully, and he growls, switching our positions. His sea green eyes have turned completely black with what must be lust. "You've been holding out on me." I accuse him, in between kisses.

Finnick props himself up on one shoulder. "Nope." He says, smiling. He so has.

"I'm not some fragile doll. You can be a little rough with me." I tell him.

"So you wanna be rough?" Finnick asks, wiggling his eyebrows. I roll my eyes, and pull him back down, which is actually kind of difficult, since he's shirtless. I fist the hair on the back of his neck, and he sucks on my pulse point, biting lightly. My heart is beating a mile a minute. I try not to gasp from how amazing it feels. I lift my head up a little, connecting our lips again. I'll never get sick of this.

"I love you." I whisper, my lips on his ear. He's laying on top of me, my legs are wrapped around his waist. We're in our underwear, and this is on publicly broadcasted television. Probably not the best idea, but I don't really care.

"I love you more." Finnick insists, kissing me again.

"Oh come on you two." Someone says. Finnick rolls off me and sits up. I look up, adjusting my tank top which has been pulled down and my bra is completely out. Finnick mutters something that sounds like _cockblock_. "I'm up. One of you can go to bed. Or both of you."

"You have terrible timing." Finnick sighs, adjusting his shorts, to make the outline of his erm, arousal less noticeable. I giggle a little, and kiss him.

"What? I couldn't let you be the first person to get laid in the Hunger Games." Gloss shrugs, as if thats what everyone would do. Finnick punches him in the shoulder, and Gloss yelps. "Hey Katniss? Why don't you go help Finnick over here out with his problem, so he doesn't kill me." I can't help but grin. I'm spending my last days with probably the best friends I could ever had.


	33. Chapter 33

"So, are you gonna help me with that?" Finnick asks me seductively. I contemplate it for a second – having sex is out of the question. Would I blow him off on publicly broadcasted television? I think of my mother and Prim. No. I don't even have to decline his offer, because he smiles and laughs. "I'm joking, Katniss."

I take off my damp shirt, and hang it on a tree branch. Finnick nods, approvingly. I roll my eyes. "Sorry, that wasn't for you." I joke, sticking my tongue out at him. He takes my hand and we walk back into our well-hidden shelter in the jungle. Beetee is snoring softly. Johanna is thrashing and panting. She must be having a nightmare. There's enough room for both of us to be arm's length away from each other, which is good since it's very hot and humid here. I don't think I'll ever feel dry here. I tie my hair up in a terribly messy bun (my prep team would kill me if they saw it), to try to dry the beads of sweat sticking to my neck. Regardless, Finnick and I cuddle up next to each other. He lazily traces a pattern on my bare back, and I use his chest as a pillow. I'm asleep before I know it, but like most good things, it doesn't last long.

I wake up panting from a nightmare where Snow slowly kills everyone I care about – Prim and Rory, my mother, Madge, Johanna, Gloss, Annie (who I wasn't expecting), Haymitch, and Finnick. It's like the jabberjays, but so much worse. It's still the middle of the night, but my eyes adjust easily to the pitch-black lighting. I see Johanna curled up in a ball, rocking. That doesn't look good. It reminds me of Annie's episodes, when she has flashbacks to her games. "Johanna," I whisper loudly, "are you okay?"

It takes a minute for her to respond. "Yeah. I'm fine. Go back to bed, Katniss." So, I do. I get a few more hours of sleep, which really makes a difference. I'm hot and sticky with sweat, but at least I'm with (part of) my family and (the majority of my living) friends. I haven't decided what would be worse – coming out of this alive, and not having any of my friends or Finnick with me, or dying and having one of them come to the same fate. I wish there was some other alternative option. I would circle none of the above, if I could. But I can't. So I think I'll choose death.

I feel a sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I think of yesterday's events. Could I be pregnant? Surely, there's a fraction of a chance. The shots and condoms – they're not foolproof. The odds are in my favor for that, if nothing else. But the pieces would fit together. As childish as it seems, I decide to not worry about it. I'll deal with it on the rare occasion that I actually make it out alive.

I wake up with the sunrise, so around seven. Welcome to Day 3. If we keep losing people at the rate we have been, the Games will be over tonight. Beetee must be keeping watch, since Johanna and Gloss are curled up. It's not romantic, it just looks like they're gripping onto the other for dear life. Then, I realize I can't move. Finnick has his arm around my waist, and his leg casually thrown over mine. I can't sit up, so I just curl into his body. There's no rush, really. I have nowhere to go, nothing to do anyways. I could lie here all day. Sadly, I can't.

Johanna stirs, and finally wakes up. She pushes Gloss off her (in a friendly, but very Johanna-ish way), and goes outside, says something incomprehensible to me, assumably to Beetee, and comes back in. "Wake up. This isn't summer vacation, or a weekend. It's the Hunger fucking Games."

Finnick, groggy from sleep pulls his leg off me and rubs his eyes. "Actually, it's Sunday. That's part of the weekend. Sorry to burst your bubble, hun." He turns to me and kisses my cheek. "Morning beautiful." He croons. I kiss his forehead, and curl into him. I never want to leave the safety of his arms. I do, however, sit up.

"Holy fuck. What'd you guys do last night?" Gloss asks, amused. I look at him in confusion, and then turn to Finnick. My breasts are popping out of my bra, and my underwear is very revealing. Finnick's just in his boxers. It really looks like we had sex or something. I shake my head at myself. You knew they would make these assumptions. I have to remind myself that it really doesn't matter.

"We didn't do anything. Believe me, if we had done anything, you would have heard it. Hell, the whole arena would've heard it." Finnick rebuts, as if it was the most obvious thing. Finnick Odair, world-renounced sex god, doesn't have quiet sex. He just doesn't. I nod in agreement, and kiss him softly and quickly. Gloss gags. I pull away and stick my tongue out at him.

I stand up, and leave the tent in search of my shirt. I can't find it. I do, however, find Beetee playing with that dumb wire again. I sit down in the sand next to him. He looks at my state of undress, blushes and goes back to his wire. "Morning." I smile at him. "What are you gonna do with that thing? I ask him.

"That's an excellent question." Beetee calls everyone over. "I've decided what we're going to do. It's complicated, but the lightning tree is no ordinary tree. Johanna, if lightning hits a tree, the tree should break, correct?" He asks her. She nods. "Well, this tree appears to be in perfect condition, so it must be artificial. I plan on using the wire and wrapping around the trees in the area, to kill anyone who's in contact with them. We'll all split up to pass the wire around, and that way we won't have to worry about it just being the five of us left. Does anyone object?"

"I do." I say, standing up. "I don't wanna leave you guys." I feel like if we say goodbye to do this, I'll never see any of them again. I don't want to die alone, especially when my loved ones are so close.

Finnick pulls me back down. "We'll split up into two groups then. Katniss, Jo, and me will stick together. And I guess you and Gloss are the other group?" We all nod. "So, how do we do this?"

Beetee lays out a detailed plan. We plan to spread the wire around, so the lighting hits it at midnight. We don't have to start until three or four in the afternoon, so we spend our last afternoon together just relaxing and remembering all the fun we had. We get buckets of water, and sip it, while eating more of the District 3 bread (why twenty-four rolls, every time?) and fish that Finn caught easily using Gloss' spear and a net he wove out of the moss. Of course, Finnick can make a net out of anything.

We tell jokes about some of our favorite interactions with each other. Johanna goes first, talking about when she met Finnick. "Well, I kind of hated him. I thought he was an arrogant asshole. But then again, that's the way he comes off to everyone, no offense Finn. We started to talk a little, and I realized he's not that bad of a guy. I still had the overwhelming feeling that he wanted to get into my pants. But no, he's just being a nice guy. He calmed me down when I had nightmares, and was only a phone call away when I needed him. He helped me out so much after I lost everything, and with Finn's help, I was able to rebuild my life. If I had to spend my last days with anyone, I'd pick you guys."

Finnick goes next, talking about the first time he met me. "I was blown away. Most of the girls from 12 look like they're on Death's Door by the time they're of reaping age. The district is so impoverished, it's depressing. It makes 4 look like the Capitol. Anyways, you volunteered for your sister, which was – holy shit, unheard of. Non-career districts almost never have volunteers. And you looked healthy, strong. On top of that, you were beautiful, even though I was what, seven years older? That's really not a difference at all, but at our age it feels ridiculous. You're captivating. Haymitch told me all about how you were a trouble maker, but you had spirit. And when they set you on fire, twice. I knew I just had to have a conversation with you, even if it was just for a little. You were- are fascinating. And when you got an eleven, I knew that you were special. These guys were used to me fawning over district girls, but it was different with you."

"Get on with it." Johanna yawns, bored. "As much as I'd love to have you continue your lovely story forever, it's been going on for about ten years. Get to the point?"

Finnick scowls at her, but continues. "Anyways, so you win by yourself, and Haymitch and I assume the worse for you, which sadly was nothing short of accurate. I argued with your mentor for at least two hours, it just wasn't fair. The least I could do is act as a mentor or teacher. And yeah, the public wanted us to get together, but I wanted us to get together. I fell in love with you. And we've been together for a year and a half. But no amount of time with you will ever be enough. I love you, Katniss."

"I love you too." I smile, kissing him softly. I lie down in his lap, ignoring the sand sticking to the backs of my thighs. I have an overwhelming feeling of sadness. For the first time, the magnitude of my situation hits me like a ton of coal. I grab Finn's wrist, needing to hold onto something. I can tell that I'm in my last days.

A few years ago, I would have assumed that I would probably just end up marrying Gale, and dying in my fifties or sixties like everyone else in District 12. There really are no grandparents, unless everyone has kids earlier. I probably wouldn't make it past thirty.

After I won, I imagined I'd live until maybe even eighty, marry another victor (before I met Finnick, he didn't even seem like an option. He's too beautiful and too wanted for me. I'm plain and I don't stand out, despite the whole Girl on Fire thing). I thought life would be okay. Then came prostitution. But it seemed alright, it was bearable. I kept my family safe, and that's what really mattered in the end. And then I fell in love. I wasn't planning on that, but it wasn't unwelcome at all. Of course, all good things don't last. Now my death is inevitable. And there's a good possibility I'm pregnant. No, don't think like that. I tell myself. Don't get yourself worked up like that, it's not worth it. You'll be dead, and it won't matter at all.

"I didn't think I'd really miss you guys." Johanna admits. "That sounds bad, I know. But after I lost everything, I began to shut people out, and you were the first people that I really trusted, and I could be myself around. That really means a lot to me. I love you guys, seriously. I'm really thankful for the time we had. In a perfect world I'd get a lot longer, but sending teenagers to the slaughter is not ideal, so who am I kidding. Anyways, you're all the best friends a crazy bitch like me could have." It seems we're all being sentimental today.

Gloss goes next. "Wow. So, um I guess we're doing this, aren't we? Finn, you're a pretty cool guy. It's really weird, since I guess we all had these opinions about you, and we were proven wrong. You helped me cope when Cash was reaped, and that really means a lot, especially since you had your own kids to look out for. You showed me how to... be positive in the bad situations that some victors face. Jo, you're hilarious, and while sometimes you're a bitch, it's never without good reason. I knew you were really chill, but I'll always out-drink you. Katniss, damn. You're really hot. I'd be down if you and Finnick ever break up. You're also such a selfless person, it's amazing. You put everyone before you, and I think that's so admirable."

"We're not breaking up any time soon." Finnick says quietly. I squeeze his hand. At one point, only one of us is gonna be alive.

We feast on our meal, drink all our water, grab our supplies, and when it's time, we say our final goodbyes. It's seven o'clock, and we need to get going. In a few hours, Gloss and Beetee will become my enemies. I give Beetee a pat on the back, and Gloss a lingering in hug. "It was so nice being your friend, even if it was only for a little. I'll miss you." I tell him.

Gloss smiles sadly, something hidden in his expression that I can't place. "Don't worry, alright. And take care of yourself." He kisses my cheek, and pulls me in for another hug. My eyes are misty with unshed tears. He pulls me in, and whispers quietly so nobody can hear. "Hey, I'll see you soon, okay?" I nod, and Finnick and Johanna say their goodbyes. I try to think about what Gloss said. It's quite sentimental, actually. When we're dead, we'll all be together. That lifts my spirits a little, and now I think I'll be able to keep it together.

Johanna, Finnick and I take turns uncoiling the wire, wrapping it around trees going clockwise. It takes a while to go through all the sections, and by the time we get to the four to five section, the ten o'clock wave has stricken the arena. I hear a canon go off, and see the face of the tribute from 9 reflected in the night sky. That leaves us and Gale. Great. I focus on the task at hand. There's at least three miles of wire left. I wrap it around another section of tree, and suddenly, it becomes a lot heaver. I look at my feet, and someone has cut the wire. In the tree I was just wrapping, Gale sits with a knife. "Hello." He says curtly, jumping down from the tree. He does not treat me like a love interest, or even like a friend. He treats me like an enemy. I guess that's what he is now. He doesn't have time to attack me, since Finnick shouts now!, and tackles Gale out of nowhere.

Johanna takes the metal cylinder that the wire was coiled around and smashes it over my head. My knees buckle and collapse, causing me to fall to the ground. What the hell? I tilt my head at her, seeing stars. "What the fuck, Jo?" I ask her, confused and angry. Finnick throws Gale's knife at Jo, and she catches it. She takes the knife, and stabs my wrist, digging around. Is she trying to kill me?

She climbs on top of me, and sits on my stomach. "Sh!" She shushes me. "Stay down." Stay down? Stay down? My closest female friend is trying to kill me. Black spots cover my eyes, and I tear up. I stand up shakily. "This was a ploy, all of this. You never were my friends, you just were going along with it! Finnick, did you even love me? I don't even know what to believe anymore. I can't believe I trusted you guys in the first places, but I really can't believe I trusted you enough to let you guys in. I'm done." I walk away, feeling empty. Finnick tries to stop me, but I just keep walking. I raise my arm to grab some moss to wrap my gash in. I might end up bleeding to death at this rate. I get hit in the face with blood spurting out of my arm. I press a makeshift bandage to my wrist, but it bleeds through in a matter of minutes. I'm dying. I'm going to die. Very soon.

I lean over, and throw up everything I've eaten all day – the bread, the fish, the seafood, all of it. I will die alone. I stumble in the trees blindly, black spots making me virtually blind. I get my foot wrapped in something shiny. Finnick's nets! He's in on this too. I feel hollow, and don't even bother to try to free myself. Of course, Finnick will kill me. It only makes sense – he took my first time, my first love, and I'm possibly pregnant with his child. He might as well take away my life along with everything else. I loved him with every part of me, but he was playing me the whole time. The pain has stopped. Either my senses are dulling as I'm guided out of this world, or my emptiness has made me numb.

I open my eyes. I'm not in Finnick's net. I'm in Beetee's wire. Shit. I need to get as far away from that as I can. The insects are clicking. We're in between eleven and twelve o'clock now. I hear footsteps behind me, and whip myself around. Too quick. The whole world shifts again. It's Gale, with his hands up. He isn't injured at all. "Katniss. Please, don't interrupt. I'm sorry, so so sorry for everything, really. I don't wanna die not being on good terms with you."

I just hug him and sob, not caring that I'm soaking his jumpsuit with tears and blood. "It's okay, really. I forgive you. Just come with me." I tell him, holding his hand with my good one. I feel dizzy from blood loss. We walk and walk. The pincers of the insects are getting louder and louder. I see Beetee lying on the forest floor, moaning. Gale helps him up. What was he trying to do? He's holding a knife, and his hair seems to be seared. He tried to stab the forcefield. But why? And why are we helping him? Now, he's the enemy.

Something Haymitch said three days ago resurfaces in my memory. Before I got on the hovercraft to the arena, he gave me one last word of advice: Hey, Katniss. While you're in the arena – just, don't forget who the enemy is. Who is the enemy? That's an easy question, and the answer is not a forty year old man with glasses. It's them. The ones who make us go through these terrible games every year, who cause starvation and poverty. The Capitol is the enemy. "Take him to the beach. Stay away from the wire." I tell Gale, who's dragged an unconscious Beetee out of my sight.

I try to piece everything together, with not much luck. Why did Johanna cut me? Why did Beetee try to stab the forcefield? What did Gloss say he'd see me soon? Why is nobody that upset, besides myself? Why was Cashmere talking about District 13? Why was Johanna making comments about a country-wide rebellion? Suddenly, I have a collective answer to all my questions. They were trying to take the tracker out of my arm. Jo and Finnick don't hate me. This must have been what they weren't telling me. We're breaking out of the arena. I'm not sure if I should be excited or angry. Why didn't they tell me? There will be time for questions later, if I make it out alive.

I feel weak. I'll be a goner soon. But now, I have the will to live. I don't want to die, like I did just ten minutes ago. I hear the clicking get progressively louder, until it's practically ear-splitting. I know what I have to do. I take my last arrow, and wrap the tip in the loose end of the wire. I notice the wavy patch in the forcefield, the chink in the armor. The one I saw in the training center, and on the roof of the building. That's where I must shoot, and if I miss, we all die. Suddenly, the clicking stops.

I hear the first boing, boing, bong. Four, Five, Six. Seven, Eight, Nine. Here goes nothing. I mutter a final goodbye, before letting go of the arrow.

Ten, eleven, twelve-

My hair stand on end, and the lighting strikes the tree. There's a flash of white, and the dome bursts into blue lights. I'm thrown to the round on impact. I can't move.

Right before the explosions begin, I find a star in the exposed night sky.


	34. Chapter 34

Everything seems to explode. Trees are catching fire, and dirt is being showered into the air. I'm paralyzed with an odd mixture of fear and confusion. The sky is lit up in a thousand colors. At first I think it's bombs, but then I see it's fireworks. What? Did I just end the Seventy-Fifth Hunger Games? But I am not the sole survivor. I don't know what's going on.

 

A hovercraft appears above me without warning. The claws pick me up as if I was a dead tribute. Am I dead? I don't know. I don't _feel_ dead. I want to run away or scream, but I can't. The Capitol is going to kill me. And I'm positive it will be very painful and very public. The person waiting for me in the craft is Plutarch Heavensbee, the Head Gamemaker. Surely, he's angry at me. No, angry is too calm of a word. He must be furious. Two figures I can't make out wrap me in something. Restraints? No, it's a blanket. I didn't even realize I was shivering. He reaches his hand out. I recoil in defense, with an expectation that he is going to hit me. He doesn't. He strokes me cheek. The gesture is odd and very unexpected.

My eyelids droop and I can't help to close them. My heart is pounding in my ear a mile a minute, and my make-shift bandage is bleeding through onto my stomach. I begin to fade out of consciousness. I discover a realization. Johanna did this to me. Maybe this was the plan, to destroy the arena. Maybe they knew I would do this, and knew I would be captured. Maybe she did this so that the Capitol couldn't hurt me. Before I black out, I manage to whisper a quiet thank-you to Johanna. By ending my life, she saved me.

 

Sadly, it didn't work. I wake up again, and this time I'm on some type of table in a room. Maybe a hospital? I can't open my eyes. They're keeping me alive. If I just die on my own, Snow won't get his vengeance. I can sort of feel my arm, but it still seems numb. I think there are tubes in it. With enough focus, I manage to lift my arm up. I flip it around enough that a rip the tubes out, and there's some beeping noise. I fall back out of consciousness before I can see what happens next.

 

The next time I wake up, they've tied my hands down. I'm not sure who _they_ exactly is. I can open my eyes, and lift my head a little, but only to the right and left, not up and down. There is bright, florescent lights, and no windows. It must be a hospital. I make out another figure, and with enough focusing I can make out that it's Beetee. He has at least a dozen machines looked up to his body. I only have two. Why won't they just let us die? I try to sit up, and maybe I can escape, but they're pumping something into my veins that drags me out again.

The next time I wake up, I realize this is for real. I can sit up. There are no restraints, and no machines attached to me. It takes me a little bit of effort to focus myself, but I manage to and look around the room. Beetee is still knocked out. Where is everyone else? Finnick, Johanna, Gale, and Gloss, if none of them died in the terror I created. I don't even know what to do.

So, I decide to go on a walk. There's a maze of hallways, and no guards anywhere. I'm only in a thin nightgown, so I hold it close to my body. I lean against the wall of a heavy metal door that's slightly open. I listen to whoever's talking inside. "Seven, Eight, Ten and Twelve are down. We can maybe get some food out to Eleven." It sounds like it could be Plutarch, but I'm not sure. A voice asks a question. "No, Haymitch. You can't see her." Haymitch! He's here. I don't know what that means for me. "Don't be stupid. She doesn't know what's going on. After everything, just give her a couple days to calm down." Plutarch says again. Haymitch! I bust through the doors, tripping over a chair. Haymitch stands up and catches me. Our eyes meet. His show some expression of remorse and hurt, mine probably show hatred. I don't say anything to him. Haymitch nods at me, and sits me down at the table next to him. We're in a conference-type room, and there's sunlight coming in through the windows. We're in the air.

Plutarch puts a bowl of some type of soup in front of me. "Eat." He tells me, kindly, giving me a spoon and a roll of bread. I have too many questions.

Haymitch sits across from me. "Katniss, I'm going to explain everything. I need you to listen, and don't interrupt until I'm done." I nod weakly. This is what he tells me.

Ever since the Quell was announced, there was a plan to break the victors out of the arena. The tributes from 1, 3, 4, 7, and 11 all has some information about it. Plutarch was part of an underground group that was planning to overthrow the Capitol. He made sure Beetee's wire was there. Beetee was supposed to blow a hole in the arena's forcefield. The bread was code for when we were to do it. The third day (District 3's bread), at midnight (there were 24 rolls). We're in a hovercraft from District 13, which apparently still exists, and was just playing dead all these years. We're on a journey there. Most of the Districts in Panem are in a full-scale rebellion.

It's a lot to take in. Again, I was just a piece in someone else's games. "Why didn't anyone tell me?"

It's Plutarch who answered. "If we weren't able to rescue you, the Capitol would try to get you first. We couldn't risk it."

"Why do they want me so bad?" I'm just as valuable as Finnick, Johanna, all of them. I'm not that special.

"You're the mockingjay, Katniss. As long as you live, the revolution lives." Suddenly, it all makes sense. The bird, the pin, the watch, the dress that burst into flames. I am the symbol of the rebellion.

"Where is everyone else?" I ask.

"Finnick's wandering the hovercraft. Beetee's in the hospital, you know that." Haymitch tells me. His eyes drop. "Gloss and Johanna, the Capitol captured them. And Gale – we don't know." I'm not armed, but I guess nails can do a lot of damage. I jump across the table, screaming at him. A guard pulls me off, and carries me over his shoulder. I'm causing too much trouble, I know, but I really don't care.

I'm pulled back onto my table, and hands are tying me down, restraining me. Someone pokes more needles in me, it doesn't knock me out, it's just a sedative. Finnick leans over me and kisses my forehead, squeezes my hand. "Katniss, Katniss I'm so sorry. Let me explain, please. I didn't lie to you about anything, I swear. I love you, and I've never done anything just for the sake of the press, never. In the arena, we couldn't tell you because we didn't want you to get hurt." I nod, unable to do anything.

After what seems like a life time, but in reality is only three days, we're loaded off the plane, and into District 13. I'm brought to a doctor's office. The doctor must be from District 13, because he doesn't look like anyone I've ever seen. He doesn't speak for a few moments, and when he does, his words are careful. "Miss Everdeen. Would you like to hear the good news or the bad news?"

"Katniss." I correct him. "Please, call me Katniss." I have to think about what I want first. "Good news first, I guess."

He looks at his clipboard, and then up at me. "You suffered a mild concussion. Luckily, your head has no long-term damage, and your wrist is healing up nicely. The worst thing I can expect is that you might have some short-term memory loss. But nothing permanent." He sighs, and puts his hand on my shoulder. "The bad news. You were slightly electrocuted by the forcefield to some extent. This didn't affect your body that much, but that in combination with stress and trauma caused an accidental miscarriage. Miss Everdeen- Katniss, I'm sorry. You lost your baby."

A million thoughts run through my head, and it's all so overwhelming I have to grip onto the desk counter. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad or just confused. _I was pregnant._ I lost the baby. I'm not pregnant. I'm not pregnant. None of this makes much sense. "Thank you." I say, and I wander back to my hospital bed.

I guess I get lost, because I end up in a hall where there's a bunch of people yelling and screaming. They all come to a stop. I see familiar bronze hair. I can't help but yell "Finnick!" He whips his head around, and I run towards him, knocking some man over. That's not important right now. He picks me up and pushes me against the wall. My lips find his and the whole world fades away. It's just me and him and ohmygod I missed you so much. I'm pretty much naked in a hospital gown and so is he, but none of this really matters right now. I have him in my arms, and while the world is falling apart, we have each other. And that really seems good enough. I realize I'm sobbing and that everyone is staring at me but I don't really care.

Finnick sweeps me up and carries my like a baby to my hospital bed. Beetee is awake and talking to some nurse. He pulls the curtain so we're hidden from them, and sits me down. "Are you okay?" He asks, sitting down next to me. I lay my head on his shoulder. "I heard you got called down to the doctor. It seemed serious." I sigh, and I tell him everything.

Everything. I tell him the whole story – from when Gale lied to me about the test, to when I found out there was a 50-50 chance in the arena, and to now. I explain that I didn't tell him because I thought I was going to die anyways, and that there was no way you'd let me die if you knew that I had a baby on the way. He doesn't interrupt once. I look up at him, and he just hugs me tightly. I tear up again, and Finnick just kisses my cheek, holding me tightly. "Sh. It's okay, it's gonna be okay, Katniss." I don't know what I'd do without him. Finnick keeps me grounded, keeps me okay. "I have to get settled in. I'll find you at dinner, okay?" He kisses me goodbye one more time.

I lie back in my hospital bed, not wanting to do much. Someone gets wheeled in next to me, but I don't look. "Are you seriously going to ignore me, Catnip?" It's Gale. I roll my eyes and sigh, taking him in. His arm looks burned, and it's in a sling. There's a boot on his foot. "Broke a few of my toes, and my arm, how bout you?" He tells me.

"I had a minor concussion, which really isn't a big deal. You know what is a big deal? I miscarried, Gale. I didn't even know I was pregnant! What kind of best friend are you?" I accuse him, becoming very angry. I'm trying hard not to yell.

"I was trying to protect you. I'm sorry." He tells me. His voice is so raw, and I can tell he's telling the truth. I hug him tightly.

"It's okay." I tell him. "Did you hear anything on anyone back home?" I ask, hopefully. The fact that there is absolutely no word on Prim and my mother is a bit worrying. Gale shakes his head no.

Before he can worry with me, Haymitch busts in, looking frazzled. "You two need to get to the hovercraft landing. Come with me right now." Gale stands up and hobbles along, an arm around me for balance. We walk quickly to the landing. When we get there, I don't think me or Gale are prepared for what we see. Four bodies, almost completely covered in ash and coal. They all stop talking and slowly walk over to us. I can't make over who the four figures are, except two of them have blonde hair. "Wow, that's it." Haymitch says quietly.

"Wait, what do you mean?" I ask him.

Haymitch sighs, and looks around. "Katniss, now's not the right time. But I don't think there will be a right time. These four were the only rescued from what was District were the only ones that were alive after the bombings. "

"Wait what do you mean? Bombings?" Gale asks.

"After Katniss broke the force field, the Games stopped airing. Less than fifteen minutes later, the Capitol dropped fire bombs on the whole district. Now, there... there is no District 12." I let his words sink in, and I can't breathe. My face must look somewhat like Gale's. The four people make their way over. One yells Katniss! It's Prim. I run and hug her, picking her up.

"I'm okay, I'm okay." She reassures me. "Did you lose weight? You look smaller." She points to my stomach, poking. I frown. _No, I miscarried._ I can't say that though, so I just shrug.

I see that Rory and the other blonde girl is in Gale's arms, and Prim and the other girl are walking towards me. It's Madge and Leevy. She was my neighbor before the move. Madge runs over to Haymitch and hugs him tightly. What? To my knowledge, Haymitch has no family, and nobody that really like him. Leevy smiles at me, and comes over, kissing my cheek. Madge squeals and wraps her arms around me tightly. I missed her so much, and was expecting to never see her again. Thankfully, that didn't go according to plan.

A gray cloud settles over my mood. My mother is not here. Hazelle is not here. Vick, and little Posy are not here. They must be dead. I turn to Gale, and whisper mom. He nods, and looks down. Madge lost her parents too. Leevy had a younger brother. There will be a time for mourning. But that's not right now. First, how did they survive? Rory explains everything.

Before the bombs hit, Leevy came over to tutor Rory and Prim with their math homework at the home in the Victor's village. My mother was out on a house call, somebody had measles. Madge was at Haymitch's house because she was looking for something for her mother. The Victor's Village was the only place untouched by the bombs. Having no idea where to go, the four of them went to the woods. They walked for a while, and found an abandoned house. They stayed in the house there for a little, and a hovercraft from 13 came by yesterday to look for survivors. The hovercraft saw the smoke in the chimney and took them here.

"I'm so happy you're alive." I tell all of them, trying not to tear up. If Prim had died, it would have been my fault. Prim hugs me again. She's really gotten tall, and she's an inch or two taller than me. Oh crap. "Happy birthday." I tell her, smiling. Yesterday or the day before was her fifteenth birthday. Wow, she's gotten so old. It still seems like yesterday when she was reaped as a twelve year old. That changed my life more than it changed hers.

 

District 13 is all underground. There isn't a lot of room for us, only twenty rooms, so we're all squished together on floor 3, which is pretty 'high up' - only three stories underground. I only know of the rooms we were put in - Beetee and Haymitch in 310, Finnick in 311, Prim and I in 312, Gale and Rory in 313, Madge and Leevy in 314. It's not that bad, but I'd prefer to be home. I have to remind myself there is no home.

Everything is so gray here. It's depressing. I know, I shouldn't be complaining. It's better to be here than in an arena, or the Capitol, or back in District 12. But I really want to color in everything. I'm positive the people here have no fun. Life here must be very boring. But boring is better than sending teenagers off to be slaughtered, so I think I'll be just fine here.

Six thirty on the dot is dinner. I change into my District Thirteen-approved grey shirt and pants, and braid my hair down my back in the way I always have. It feels secure, having that small continuity throughout everything. It really does make a difference to me. Prim and I follow the crowds up a few flights to the so-called dining room. It's by no means a dining hall, and loosely resembles District 12's school cafeteria, with the large circular tables, posters on nutrition and lines where food is served. The only difference is that food is served here, and it wasn't back home.

We get on the line behind the District 13 residents, grabbing trays. They serve us a roll of bread, a bowl of soup with some type of meat, and a leafy vegetable. It seems here that they give us just enough food to keep us satisfied, but never full. I don't know where District 13 gets their food – they must grow it somehow, but I don't know where they would do so, since everything is underground.

Prim and I look to find a table, but someone calls us over. I turn around see Haymitch, Madge, Leevy and Finnick all chatting pleasantly. We sit down next to them, Rory, Gale and Beetee join us later. I feel slightly uncomfortable: my boyfriend with my close friends and family. Gale and Rory count as family. I try not to think about it too much. It still feels weird that I'm alive. I said goodbye to everyone already, and that seemed so final that I honestly did not intend to see them again. Not that I'm upset, really. I'm happy, but it feels strange, like it's all a dream.

Gale seems to be a bit less hostile towards Finnick, which is awesome. I also notice he's looking at Madge a lot, and she's doing the same to him. It doesn't last long though, due to me tuning back in to the conversation. Finnick is having some type of argument with Beetee, and it seems serious. I turn to Gale, and he shrugs. Haymitch decides to intercept. "Both of you are wrong. Think of Natalie, think of Wiress. Finnick, that was you a few years ago. Don't judge." I don't ask. Finnick squeezes my hand.

"Hey, Katniss?" Prim asks me. I nod at her so she knows I'm listening. "Can I hang out with Rory for a little? I'll back for light's out at ten-thirty."

"Go ahead." I tell her. Prim and Rory go off, holding hands. "Are they dating?" I ask Gale. He nods. I groan. "But she's just a little girl. And who knows what they're doing-"

"She's fifteen, and very grown up. I know it seems weird, since you've grown up with her, but she can take care of herself." Finnick reminds me, cutting me off to do so. He looks around and lowers his voice. "We both know what you and I were doing when were sixteen, so don't go there." Gale smiles a little, but not in a mean way.

I shrug, finishing my soup. "True. What are you guys doing now?" I ask everyone.

"I'm going to bed." Madge says, yawning. Gale nods in agreement. Are they a thing too? I see the way Gale is looking at her, and he used to look at me that way. I smile. Maybe they can be happy together. I would never be able to give him happiness, and besides I love Finnick. Everything is falling into place, for once.

"What do you wanna do?" I ask Finnick, since everyone else seems to have plans already."

"You." He winks. Gale makes a gagging noise. Haymitch mutters something about Finnick needing to keep it in his pants.

"Sorry, Finn. You're gonna need to wait a little. I know how hard that is for you, but grin and bear it." I turn to see who's talking. It's a young blonde man who looks vaguely familiar. Finnick stands up to hug him. He looks very Capitol, and I can't place where I know him from. He looks around Finnick's age. The man turns to me, and gives me a small bow, the Capitol greeting. "Hello, Katniss. Do you remember me? I sure remember you."

Suddenly, I remember where I know him from. He's one of the men I've slept with. Thomas Diamond, a Capitol actor. He gave me some information before we- oh. He must be part of the rebels. "Thomas, right? I never expected I'd see you again. How do you two know each other?"

"His stepmother destroyed my parents marriage." Thomas shrugs, as if he's talking about something as factual as the weather. "Anyways, Plutarch wants to see you guys about some secret rebellion thing. I'll debrief you on the way downstairs. Haymitch, Beetee, you coming? Gale, I forget why, but they didn't need you... they might later though, so keep your ears open." Gale and Madge excuse themselves.

Haymitch rolls his eyes and grumbles. "Sorry, I can't. I have _so_ many plans." He stands up, and turns to Leevy. "We need you." She smiles, and looks down at her feet. Finnick takes my hand. We all follow Beetee and Thomas to the elevators.

"I didn't know you'd be friends with anyone who paid to fuck me." I point out quietly.

"That dick..." Finnick mutters. "Fuck you Tom, she's mine."

"Yeah, yeah." He smirks, closing the elevator doors behind us. "I don't regret it. She's good." I roll my eyes, _Boys._


	35. Chapter 35

Thomas leads us into a room I've never seen before, with at least 5 armed guards in front. Inside, there's a large table, with an eerily plain looking woman at the head. She looks to be in her 50's, and has gray hair that looks so perfectly coifed, I can't help but wonder if it's a wig. Her eyes are gray, but not like the gray of Seam eyes. Her's look kind of like slush you want to melt away already. She must be from around here. I recognize Plutarch, but that's about it. We all sit down, and I sit in between Haymitch and Finnick. The woman introduces herself to us as President Alma Coin. Her right-hand man and shadow, Boggs, Plutarch, and his very Capitol-looking assistant, Fulvia Cardew. There's also a man named Dalton, a District 10 refugee. I know everyone else. President Coin calls everyone to attention, then Fulvia speaks.

"We- well _I_ , came up with an ingenious idea. We are going to make these... advertisements, that the Capitol will see. Beetee over here can hack into the computers and have it show on Capitol television. Propos, Plutarch called them. It's short for _propaganda_ , which is something they used pre-Panem."

"Basically, we're gonna dress you up as the Mockingjay and you need to make a public service announcement to the rebels who are in all the other districts and the Capitol to let them know you're alive and fighting on our side." Plutarch tells me.

"I am?" I ask. This whole rebellion thing is still so overwhelming, and I really don't know how to let it all sink in. I backtrack a little, "I mean like I'm obviously against the Capitol, without a doubt, but I didn't think that all of this would be happening, and so quickly too. It's just really... wow. Can I think for a minute?" I ask all of them. President Coin gives me a curt nod. My head throbs, a random excruciating pain from out of nowhere. I bite down on my tongue so hard I taste the metallic tinge of blood.

Finnick's eyes meet mine. He looks worried. I press my hand against my left temple, where Johanna struck me with that cylinder. Mild concussion. It may be mild, but it hurts majorly. I manage to be able to speak, so I tell him quietly. "I want to go home. But I don't have one anymore." He says nothing, but takes my cheeks in his hands and kisses my forehead.

"I know, I know." He whispers, soothingly. I lie down in his lap, which is very unprofessional, but I really don't care. Finnick decides to speak for me. "Can we give Katniss a little break? Guys, seriously. She's only eighteen, and she's a real person. She's been dealing with so much shit for the past few years, even before the Hunger Games and all that. And these past few years have been so much worse. You have no idea, okay? How much she was looking forward to dying. It got to that. So can you all just please let her try to recuperate? Or is that too much to ask. Nobody ever asked to be rescued from an arena, we would have been perfectly content fighting to death with our best friends, because at least when you're dead, they leave you alone. In the arena, ask anyone who wasn't in on it. They would've hated to be the one victor."

Nobody says anything. Nobody has anything to say. Thomas looks at his feet. What he's said – it's scary. And it's scary because it's true. I sit up, and re-braid my hair. Haymitch pats my shoulder. After a few moments, President Coin finally speaks. "Wow, I'm impressed. Mr. Odair, I didn't know you were capable of sympathy."

"Let me guess, you thought I was a shallow, fake-tanned flirtatious hoe, didn't you?" Finnick fires back.

"Finnick..." Haymitch warns him. I grab onto the table so tightly my knuckles turn white.

Alma Coin, who I've decided I don't really like that much, speaks again in her accent-less District 13 monotone, "There is no time to give, no time to waste. We have an uprising on our hands, and you expect me to wait until your feelings are in check? We need our mockingjay, and we need her now."

"When would you ideally like to air the propos?" asks Haymitch.

Fulvia looks at her clipboard. "Three days from now, at eight o'clock in the evening."

"Here's my idea. Plutarch, get me a hovercraft. I'll bring her to District Twelve tomorrow for the day, and we'll back in time for dinner. It might be better for her to see the destruction and the ruins, I think that would really motivate her." Haymitch spells out the plan, referring to me in 3rd person as if I'm not even here.

Everyone turns to me, and they await my expression, trying to see if this will work. I shrug. "I think that would help a lot."

President Coin presses her lips together tightly, and after a moment of thinking, nods her head. "Fine. Boggs, assign them a hovercraft. And headgear. You'll be taking off at eight o'clock sharp, and you'll be back by five o'clock sharp. Not a minute after. Understood?"

"Thank you." I smile for the first time in a while.

"You're all dismissed. With the exception of Haymitch. I need to speak to you." We all leave, and go back upstairs. I want to know what she has to say to Haymitch. I'd imagine she'd complain about how I'm mentally unstable, or how she can't believe that the fate of the world is being put on hold by some teenager's emotions. I can't believe it either.

Finnick and I get off at floor 10, even though the rooms are on 3. "You have a doctor's appointment. I'll be waiting right here." He kisses me quickly, and it takes a lot of restraint to not melt into the kiss.

I'm expecting a doctor's appointment where they check your vitals and take blood, but instead, I'm faced with a gray eyed doctor sitting in a large lounge chair, drinking a mug of something that's steaming hot. I sit down awkwardly on the couch. "I'm Dr. Aurelius." He extends his hand. I shake it, and lean back, wrapping myself in a large throw blanket. "I specialize in helping the mentally unstable here. I'll be your psychologist for as long as you need me to."

"I'm not crazy, I don't need a head doctor." I insist. _But then again, what if I am?_

He smiles in a way that makes me think a lot of people have said that before. Dr. Aurelius adjusts his glasses. He has kind eyes, and even though they're the same color as President Coin's, they seem warmer, and he seems trustworthy. I wouldn't be able to tell you why. "I know, I believe you. You do have some minor memory loss and confusion from your concussion, but I'm sure there's more to you than that. So tell me, start with the basic facts. What do you know for sure?"

It seems like a dumb little game. But I humor him anyways. He's here to help. "My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm eighteen years old. I'm from District Twelve. There is no District 12. I'm in District 13. I have no parents, but I have my little sister, Prim. She just turned fifteen."

"Very good." He smiles at me, and scribbles something down on his clipboard. "Alright, Katniss. Tell me about your experience with everything with your Hunger Games up until you came here. I know you don't want to talk about it, but I think it might help. Remember, everything you say in here is confidential. So just let everything out that you want to. Nothing you say is wrong."

I sigh. Where to begin? "Well, when I volunteered for my sister, I wasn't even planning on coming back alive. District Twelve just didn't win. I just wanted to save my sister's life. And I did. I knew how to use a bow and arrow – for as long as I could remember, I'd been hunting outside the district to feed my family. I did really well before the games, and they seemed to like me. The boy Peeta, from my district, he had a crush on me for a while, and made it known. I went along with the whole star-crossed lovers thing because it might help me get sponsors. And it did. Slowly, I fell in love with him, but I had to kill him. I killed a lot of people: Glimmer, Marvel, Cato, the girl from District 4, and Peeta. That's 5 lives I took. And the guilt from that is overwhelming. I get the worst nightmares every single night. I can't sleep through the night, at all. And even if you're a victor, you're still not a winner. The Capitol has ways of making you their prisoner, and they threaten your loved ones if you don't do it. Those make the nightmares and everything else worse. I'm trying to keep it all together for the sake of my family and friends, but I can feel myself slipping away every single day. I feel like I'm going off the deep end. My life is too – it's too much for me. I love Finnick and I'm pretty sure without him I'd be so far gone."

It's out before I can stop it, and in a matter of minutes, I've spilled my whole life to a man I just met. Then again, he is a doctor, and everything I say is confidential, but still. I really should've watched what I said. Dr. Aurelius seems to thing what I'm saying is alright. He scribbles something on his clip board, and smiles at me, taking another sip of whatever he's drinking. "That's very good, Katniss. Well, that you can tell me this. Tell me, please. Two things. First of all, it seems like you've only been taking care of your sister for a good portion of your life. This sounds a little trivial, but do you have any time for yourself? What do you do for fun? And then, please, what are your nightmares about? Try to describe them."

I have to stop and think. What do I do for fun? Sex with Finn. I can't say that though. That's not it. "Well, Finn lives with me for about half the year. We hang out. Or, I spend time with Johanna or my friend Madge. I used to spend a good amount of time in the woods with Gale, but we're still pretty rocky. After I won my Games, I had to do some things, to keep all of them safe. But he wasn't able to see that it was only to protect them, and we basically stopped talking. Enough of that. My nightmares? Well there are a few about my father dying in the mines, which is less of a nightmare are more of a horrifying dramatization. Also, some of losing my loved ones and I'm hopeless to help. Then, there were a lot of nightmares of my allies who died, and the people I killed. Or worse, the ally that I killed. I have a really heavy conscience. There's a good portion of those now, but most of mine are either about various terrors from my arenas or some other things I don't even want to describe. I think my worse nightmare was that I was reaped, again. Except that one actually happened, didn't it."

Dr. Aurelius scribbles on his clipboard again, and writes some illegible to me on a white slip of paper. He rips it off his notepad, and puts it next to him. "Alright. Thank you, Katniss. One more thing. Do you ever get flashbacks?"

I have to think about that for a minute. Have I? "I think I have, at least a few times. Not really as much anymore. But they were terrifying. I think the last one was when they announced the Quell. But I was really drunk."

He nods. "Alright then, Katniss." He hands me the slip of paper. "Tomorrow morning, before breakfast, bring this to the main counter in the hospital. I'll see you next week. And remember, you can always stop by if you need to talk."

I shake his hand and fold the paper up, carefully putting it in my pocket. I don't know what it is. Does it really matter? I'm in no rush, anyways. We have all the time in the world, since we're in a place that doesn't even exist. Time has no real meaning. Yeah, we're on a time schedule here, but it could be hours off from the Capitol or back home in 12. It's just like the arena in that sense. I close the door to Dr. Aurelius' office behind me, and Finnick's waiting right there. "How was it?" he asks me.

I shrug. "It was alright, I guess. He gave me something to give to the hospital tomorrow before we leave. I have no idea what it means." I show Finnick the paper, and his face pales. "What is it?" I ask him as he hands it back. I feel like all the air's been sucked out of the room.

"It's a type of medication." Finnick says in a terrible, emotionless monotone. There has to be more. We walk to the elevator. Finally, he speaks again. "I don't know. I mean if it helps you then I guess it's good but I don't think you need it. Forget I said anything."

I take Finnick's face in my hands. "Finn. What is it?"

He looks down. "I don't know exactly. But I know the brand. That's the type of medication they give to Annie..."

I drop my hand from his face, and have to hold onto the wall of the elevator. "Annie? But why? I-I I'm not crazy. Well, you know what I mean." Maybe I am though. I could be going insane, and nobody has the heart to tell me. I don't want to think like that. "I mean I didn't even tell him anything that would make me seem crazy. I just mentioned the nightmares, and not in that much detail anyways..."

Finnick embraces me, and kisses my forehead. He takes my hand, and walks me to my room. I hold the door for him, and he walks in. We're both in shock at what we see. Prim – my little sister – and Rory making out on Prim's bed. Horizontally. Their clothes are all on, but still. I grip the wall so hard my knuckles turn white. After a moment, I clear my throat loudly. Rory looks up, and Prim sits straight up. Rory's out of the room in an instant. "Oh my god. Prim. Really? How old are you?"

"Katniss, don't pull the age thing." Finnick warns me. "I'm staying here to moderate."

I sit down with Prim on her bed. "Look, I think it's cute that you and Rory are dating. I actually am really happy. But please don't be in the room alone with him. Guys might pressure you into things, and I don't want him hurting you. I know he's a good kid, but still, it's my job to take care of you."

"You're more of a mom than mom ever was." Prim mutters, and kisses my cheek. "Sorry, Katniss. How long were you and Finnick going out when you, you know, did it?"

I turn to Finnick, and we both start laughing. He sits down next to me, and I peck him on the lips. He puts his arm around me. I shake my head, and frown a little. "That's a bit different. There were... different circumstances. But I'll tell you when you're older."

"What does that mean?" She asks me.

It's Finnick who answers for me. "It's... complicated. I don't think your sister is ready to talk about it. Give her some time." He looks up at me. "I have a story about Jo to tell you later."

I look over at the clock. It's ten-thirty. I turn to Prim. "You're going to bed, right? I know under-16 year olds have a 10:30 curfew. I'm going next door. I'll be back in like an hour or so. I don't care if you stay up." I close the door behind us. "That was so weird." I tell Finnick. He puts his arm around me, and we walk down the hallway. We end up in Finnick's room. Not that I'd think we'd go anywhere else in all honesty. There's nowhere else to go. I kick off my shoes. "I hate it here." I tell him, flopping down on his bed. "It's terrible."

"I know." Finn groans, curling up next to me. "It's ridiculous, but it could be worse. After the war, we can move anywhere we'd like. Your house, mine, my apartment in the Capitol, some place else." I can't help but lighten up at the idea of that.

"That's only if we win." I point out, "What if we lose?"

Finnick frowns. I don't think either of us want to think about that. But it's a definite possibility. "I don't know. But next year's Hunger Games will be unforgettable." I don't think I want to be around for that.

"Do we know anything about where Jo and Gloss are?" I change the subject to some degree. I miss them. It still hasn't sunk in that Cashmere is gone. "And what about your family in District Four?"

"The Capitol has them hostage somewhere. Gloss doesn't know a lot. And Jo won't crack." Crack? I have to think about what the Capitol would be doing to make them crack. Oh god. Finnick takes in my expression. "Yeah. They kill kids for fun. Don't tell me you'd expect them to be humane by any means. And back in four? I have no idea. I'm so worried. But they're useless to the Capitol, so that's good. They wouldn't go out of their way. If they had you, then that would be a problem."

"I don't like President Coin. Something about her seems... not right." I admit. I should be thanking her for all she's done to save me and my loved one's lives, but instead I'm suspicious of her. It's like she has some type of ulterior motive I don't know about. I shake it out of my head, I'm probably just being paranoid.

Finnick nods. "I got that feeling too. But I think she's just not used to getting her way. If you don't respect her every wish, it's a new thing. They have it a lot differently here." He smiles to himself. "It is a little funny. You're a leader of a rebellion, and she wants to control you. You would think she knows better than that, but I guess she doesn't. I wouldn't worry too much about it. It means she knows she might have to compromise to please you. Like with letting you out tomorrow."

"You're coming with me, right?" I ask him, hopefully. "Well you should come down for a little. I've been hoarding your shirts and boxers, and I'm sure those would better suit you, as opposed to the generic gray everything here."

"I'll be in the hovercraft. It would just feel like an... intrusion for me to go with you. If that makes any sense. I just think you should be by yourself for that." Finn pushes his bronze hair out of his bright eyes, and I see how troubled they look. It still feels weird, knowing that beautiful, funny, flirty Finnick Odair has it worse than I do, and his thoughts get very dark. I think of all he's been through, and all he' going through now. I know for sure that my mother's dead, and that there's nothing left of District 12. Rory, Prim, Leevy and Madge are the proof of that. Finnick on the other hand, has no idea. Communications are down in District 4, so he has no idea whether his family is alive or dead or in hiding, or even worse, captured. I don't even know what he wants them to be. I don't ask.

"I'm gonna get ready for bed. Your sister needs you. She lost her mother, and so do you. I'll be here, but make sure she knows that you're there for her. You haven't seen her much the past few... years, really." Finnick kisses my cheek and says goodnight. I close the door to his room and tiptoe down the hallway to mine.

I try to quietly open the door to the room I share with Prim, but I trip over a chair. Our room is small, and looks like the hotel rooms that they have in the capitol. Two gray twin-sized beds (even though you can only comfortably fit one person), a desk in the corner with two chairs, a dresser with a small square mirror on top. In the drawers are five sets of shirts, pants, underwear and socks for each of us, a pair of shoes they gave us, and a small bathroom with a shower that's also a bathtub, a sink and toilet. The Capitol has spoiled me. Prim still has the clothes she was wearing when she came here, and I still have the underclothes I was wearing in the arena. Luckily, I didn't wake Prim up. She's sitting in her bed, writing in something, maybe a journal. She looks up and smiles a little when she sees me. "Hey." She says, putting the journal and a pencil in her nightstand drawer.

I say hello back, pulling off my clothes and throwing them in the hamper, taking the medication slip and putting it in my nightstand. As I turn back around, I catch a glimpse of my body in the full-length mirror on the door. Bruised and scarred. After my first games, the Capitol perfected my skin. But after my most recent time in the arena, and all the scars developed from a mixture of clumsiness and abusing my body nightly in the Capitol, I don't look as perfect as they'd want me to be. My hair's thinned out from the fog, there are bags under my eyes from nights of no sleep, and the gray orbs are always shiny with unshed tears. I've been getting too thin from the small meals here and of course, the games. I look... broken. Finally, the outside matches the inside.

I draw my eyes away, and put on my generic gray sweatpants and ooh, what a change – my lighter gray tee shirt. I sit down on the edge of my bed, and look at Prim. "Are you okay?" I ask her. The question seems a bit weird and trivial, but still, I feel like I need to ask her. I should be like a mother to her, and if I'm not handling all of this well, I can't imagine she is. Prim's always been the more emotional of the two of us.

"I don't know, Katniss. I mean, all of this happened so soon. We all thought you were gonna die, or at least that you didn't want to live. And now you're here and mom isn't and that's not the upsetting part. I'd pick you over her any day. It's just that everything is gone, and I still can't figure out why. If there's a rebellion, why do we have to be here? Is there even a rebellion, or did they just wanna get rid of District Twelve? The whole thing is so confusing."

I kiss her forehead. "I don't know, either. I'm gonna leave early in the morning to talk to some people, and I'll be back before dinner, okay? After that, I'm gonna talk to some more people, and by then, I'll be able to tell you what's going on." Prim yawns, and turns off the light. I brush my teeth and splash some water on my face, and crawl into my gray bed. I wish Johanna and Gloss were here, but at least they're alive to the best of our knowledge. I have Haymitch, Finnick, and Prim, and as long as I have them, I think I'll be okay. All I really want is answers.


	36. Chapter 36

I wake up at six o'clock sharp to the ear-splitting sound of my alarm clock. It's a good thing I don't sleep with a knife under my pillow (like Haymitch), or I would have stabbed someone from being startled like that. One thing all people should know: don't scare a victor. Finnick has to wrap his arms around me to slow down my breathing. "Just the alarm clock." He tells me, kissing my forehead. "I'm gonna go get dressed. Meet me in fifteen minutes at breakfast? We gotta get you to Medical and get out of here." As soon as the heavy (probably bomb-proof) door clicks closed behind Finnick, Prim groans, and pulls the blanket over her face.

"I know, I know." I sympathize with her, yawning. I stand up and stretch my arms above my head. I throw on a clean pair of District 13 clothes – oh, how I hate the wardrobe here, but at least I don't have to worry about looking fashionable for the press – and braid my hair. "Make sure you're at school by eight. I'm going to breakfast. I'm gonna be out the whole day, with rebellion stuff. Have a good day, and I'll be back for dinner." I tell Prim, kissing her forehead. She nods, and stifles a yawn. The only times I woke up earlier than this were when I was hunting to feed my family. But back then, I wasn't haunted by nightmares every night. Only the occasional one about my father, and I thought that was bad. If only I knew how lucky I was back then.

I go to the medical center and hand the gray-eyed nurse at the counter my slip of paper. She nods and unlocks a counter, giving me a long white pill and a tiny circular red one. "The second one is a painkiller for your concussion." She tells me, her smile never reaching her eyes. I take a sip of the water she gave me in a small plastic cup, and swallow the two pills, feeling them slowly go down my throat. I'm not crazy, and I don't need medication for anything. But Dr. Aurelius only has my best interests at heart, so why shouldn't I cooperate? Maybe it'll help. I sure hope it will.

I sit with Finnick at a table by ourselves for breakfast. We eat oats with small dried fruit and some type of sweet bread. It's good, but I miss being full. The District 13 natives keep whispering and pointing in our direction. It takes me a little while to figure it out. We're the only source of drama or entertainment they've had in a while. I was used to it in the Capitol, but here, it's slightly unexpected. Then again, they really don't do much during the day. And since they're not constantly living in fear of the Capitol, they must get pretty bored here. There's literally nothing to do.

As soon as we've finished our meal, Finnick leads us to the hovercraft launch pad. President Coin's assistant and right-hand man, Boggs, is waiting for us. "Good morning." He greets us. I guess he's used to the schedule here, since he seems to be ridiculously energetic. Where as Finnick and I are still waking up, and I have to try not to fall asleep on the hour and a half ride. Boggs briefs us on how this'll work. He and Finn will have headsets, and I'll have a matching one that goes in my ear. I clip it on right away. They'll both be up above me, the invisible shield on so it looks like they're not there. Even though the Capitol has no reason to be in District 12, it's really better safe than sorry.

The hovercraft materializes right above what Boggs tells me is the Justice Building. "Good luck." Finnick tells me, kissing me quickly. I don't know what he means until I reach the ground. The Justice Building – or rather what used to be that building – is no more than a pile of bricks. I try to locate myself. It's difficult. There's coal dust all over District 12, and I guess everything just went up in flames when the bombs dropped. I can tell what used to be the Hob. I manage to find my old house, but on the walk over there, I trip over a rock. It's not a rock though, it's a skull. I have to put my hands on my knees and bend over to calm down my breathing.

All that's left of my old house is the fireplace. We were completely moved out, but still, I feel like I've lost something dear. Ashes fall from the two crumbling walls onto my badly worn-in shoes. I decide to check the Victor's Village to see what's left of it. To my surprise, it's untouched.

I open the door to my mansion – it's slightly ajar, and I feel like I'm intruding to some level, even though it's mine. I take my game bag from the hook behind the door where it always has been, and start piling things in it. I start by getting three pairs of my shoes, and a pair of Prim's favorite sneakers. I also take my parent's framed wedding photo and my father's old hunting jacket. My face lights up when I see my closet. Still hanging are at least a dozen pairs of bras and underwear. I grab them up, and throw in five or six of Finnick's shirts and a few pairs of his boxers. There aren't any pants, but I do see a few pairs of my sweats so I stuff them in the large bag. There still is a good amount of room, and I leave them there with the hope that one day, I can come back here for good. I never thought I'd actually like the idea of living here. But then again, District 13 isn't that great.

I decide to peek inside my mother's room. Maybe I'll find something of hers to bring with me. Instead, I'm hit with the overwhelming smell of something strong. On the nightstand, in a tall glass of water, is a single red rose. Those aren't ordinary roses though, they're _his_ roses. He was here, recently. I slam the door to her room so hard the walls seem to shake. I quickly walk down the hall and go into Prim's. I pick up a few of her notebooks and and some colored pencils. She loves to draw in her free time, so I might as well try to give her something to do. On my way out of the house, I lock the door behind me. I set the passcode on the door to 6573, the dates of the years of Finnick's and my respective Games. The Victor's Village is extremely secure, and now nobody will be in there.

I decide to stop at Haymitch's house next door. It's in worse condition. All the windows are open, and there's ashes all over the floor. It's a mess. I decide to head up to his room in hopes of maybe bringing him some bottles of liquor. I don't find any. Just as I'm walking out, something catches my eye. A red envelope. Labelled to me. The handwriting isn't Haymitch's, and it isn't Hazelle's, so that means chances are, Johanna wrote it. I'm still not quite sure why they broke up – Johanna claimed that it's because they disagreed on whether or not to tell me something, which really makes no sense to me. Anyways, I tear open the envelope and read what she wrote.

_Katniss,  
You're the only person who would find this. If your reading this, and I died in the arena, you might wanna stop. Just sayin'. I mean I know you miss me a lot and all that, but it might upset you or something. Just don't do it.  
So you've kept reading. Guess I'm alive and so are you. And I'm not in District 12 and this hasn't been burned. So that probably means that the Capitol took me. And chances are they took Finn too. I can't leave you a lot of details about the rebellion, since I don't know who could be reading this. Maybe Snow? If so, then fuck you, asshole. Anyways, I had Hazelle place this here as soon as the Games started, so Haymitch wouldn't find it. He doesn't like me telling you shit. I guess the good question is why are you back in District 12? Haymitch said that you'd wanna come back, some type of nostalgia thing. I've never really had a home so I don't get that. But whatever.  
Damn, I really can't focus, can I? So assuming the Capitol has me and Finn, you're probably a mess. Hang in there, okay? Talk to Beetee, he knows people who will come to break us out, and they definitely won't let you come, but it might give you some peace in mind.  
Then again, shit usually doesn't really work out in my favor, so I could easily be dead in the Capitol. That's not the point. You need to do this. D13 is a pain in the ass, but think of what our future could be like? You could have kids, and not fear for their lives the day they turn 12.  
A long time ago, maybe 7 or 8 years ago, we were talking about how one day, someone's gonna come along, and maybe they'll be able to finally change Panem, and get rid of the Games some day. And that person is you. Katniss, you're the mockingjay. Go out there and act like it.  
I'll see you soon, okay? I promise.  
Jo.  
PS: Can you burn this when you're done? Just in case. There's matches in the nightstand drawer._

I stand up straight, and smell the paper. It smells like her. I didn't realize how much I missed Johanna. She's really my closest female friend. I take out the matches, and bring the paper to the en suite bathroom. I turn the letter and envelope into ashes and let the water run until they're all down the sink. Haymitch comes in on my ear piece. "Sweetheart, care to explain to me why you're in my house?"

I grab my game bag, and walk outside, and wave my hands. "I was just looking for something to drink I'd bring up for you. There isn't." I say quickly. It's a half-truth, so I don't feel bad. Haymitch grumbles, and a hovercraft appears above me, sucking me up. I drop the bag at my feet, and slide down the wall of the small plane. Haymitch raises an eyebrow at me, and shakes his head. Finnick comes over, and wraps his arms around me. I lean my head on his shoulder.

Finnick kisses my forehead. "What'd you get?" He asks me. "And how bad was it down there? I didn't want to look."

I don't even notice that I'm crying until I see that Finnick's shoulder is a darker grey than the rest of his shirt from my salty tears. I wipe my eyes, and lean my head back. "Everything's... gone. The Hob, the school, all the houses, and even the Mayor's home and the Justice building. It's just ashes and bones. Except for the Victor's Village. And it's all my fault. All of it."

Haymitch's eyes meet mine. He shakes his head and simply says "No." It's said with such certainty that I think I believe it. "It's really not, Katniss. You're too emotional about all the wrong things, and you don't seem to care about the right ones. It's like you don't want things to change, at all. "

"That was a bit too much." Finnick tells him. "She lost everything. How did you feel? How did Jo feel? Remember when Annie went mad – how I lost it? This isn't easy at all, and being relocated to fucking District Thirteen of all places doesn't help." He's right, and I appreciate him standing up for me, but I hate how they talk about me in third person like I'm not even in the room.

Haymitch nods in agreement. "You're right. Look, Katniss. A lot is going on, and there's a lot that has to be done in the next few weeks." He lowers his voice. "No matter your feelings about Coin, if you want to be a part of the rebellion, and you want to be the Mockingjay, so that way you can have kids and never worry about what happens when they turn twelve, and not be so scared of the Capitol, then you need to team up with her, and be a little less hostile towards District 13."

"If I had never volunteered, everything would've been so different." I say, awestruck.

"I never would have met you." Finnick adds quietly.

"Do you know if we'll be able to rescue Gloss and Jo anytime soon?" I ask Haymitch.

"Me too." He admits. "But I have no idea. Again, you have to bring that up with Coin."

 

We get back to District 13 three hours early, which is nice. Finnick helps me carry the over-stuffed game bag to my room, where we dump it on my bed. It seems a lot heavier than I remember. Prim's at school, so she's not in the room. I put all of Prim's stuff on the foot of her bed, and put up the few mementos from home on our dresser. I go to take out my father's hunting jacket when a large furry mass attacks me.

Finnick jumps up and scrambles for a weapon. I laugh, and then my expression turns a little solemn. "Oh, my god. That's Prim's cat, Buttercup. I hate him." He hisses at me. "She's gonna freak out when she sees him. I didn't even know he was alive."

Finnick drops the bombshell on me as I hand him a few pairs of his pants and some of his shirts that I'm not hoarding. "I want you to move in with me." He says plainly, while folding a deep blue shirt. Before I can object or even try to question that, he continues, "Well, for here in District 13. It's not really a big deal, and I think it would be better for both of us. Prim can get more sleep since you won't be waking her up with nightmares, and you really don't need to take care of her. She's not a little girl anymore. And we'll have each other. I would really like that. If you don't wanna do that, it's really okay, I get it."

"No, I'd really like that. Let me just make sure Prim'll be okay with it." I smile, kissing Finnick sweetly. And he's really right. I woke Prim up enough, before the Games. And even though a good part of me wants to me a mother figure to her, she's not the scared twelve year old she was on Reaping Day two years ago. She's grown a lot and she doesn't need me to be a mother. She needs me to be a big sister, and I also need to take care of myself.

Haymitch stops by the room around three thirty to bring us downstairs. We're meeting with Plutarch, Coin, Boggs, Fulvia and Beetee. I'm surprised to see that Thomas and Gale are also there. They're sitting at a conference table in a room different from what we were in last night. There's a fruit plate on the table, and Plutarch seems to be the only one who's touched it. I sit down in between Haymitch and Finnick. Thomas winks and me, and I blush a little. Sex with him was probably the only time that I enjoyed while on the job. Still, it's weird. I mean, considering that he's Finn's friend. "I'm still mad at you about that." Finnick tells Thomas under his breath. Thomas whispers something in Finnick's ear, and he responds with "I know. But stop it. Not again." He puts his arm around me.

President Coin gets everyone to quiet down, and then says in her annoyingly boring monotone, "So, Katniss. Have you reached a decision?"

I nod. "I'm going to be your Mockingjay, but I have two conditions." Coin cocks her head to the left, and I can tell she's new to not getting what she wants. She motions for me to continue, so I do. "First of all, you grant immunity to the victors who were captured by the Capitol and we try to get them back here. And the second thing – when all of this is over, I get to kill President Snow." Haymitch pats my back, and Gale nods at me with approval.

For the first time, I see Coin smile, her icy eyes seem to light up a little. "We'll flip a coin on that last one. But I can agree to your terms. Looks like we have our Mockingjay." She turns to Fulvia, who takes out a notepad. "Ms. Cardew, would you like to explain the next part?"

Fulvia sits up a little straighter. She looks so out-of-place in District 13. Even in her District 13 clothes, she doesn't fit in. Maybe it's the barely noticeable pink tint to her skin or something less subtle like her lilac hair and silver cheek tattoos. I'm not sure. She flips back a few pages on her notepad, and begins to read off her notes. "With Plutarch's assistance, I came up with the idea for propaganda videos, or propos. You, Katniss will star in them as the Mockingjay. Basically, they're videos that should help the people who are still in the districts rally and help the rebel wars beat the Capitol. Beetee can send them over the airwaves."

"Yes, I can. You see, I designed the system that the Capitol uses to broadcast in the Districts, and in the actual Capitol. So I can create a false mandatory viewing in any of the Districts one through eleven – or any of them specifically – and the Capitol. Or, all of them. I guess it depends on what we're showing at the moment."

"We'll start on these tomorrow. Are there any questions?" Coin asks. "No? Good. Alright, I'll see you all tomorrow morning at nine forty-five, sharp. Meeting dismissed.

We all walk back up to the elevator. Gale ends up next to me. "So you went back home? How was that?" He asks me quietly. There seems to be a tinge of hurt in his voice, and I hear him catch himself on a few of his words. I wonder what he's thinking.

"Terrible. Everything's gone." I say, looking at my feet. "I don't wanna talk about it." The elevator stops, as if we're about to get out, but we don't. We're stuck. Me, Haymitch, Thomas, Finnick, Plutarch, Fulvia and Gale are all cramped together in the tiny space. That's pleasant.

Thomas puts his hands up in the air and laughs nervously. "I know, I know. You're in love with her. But damn, it was good." He looks around and sees that the elevator is silent is completely silent, with the exception of him. "What? Oh, hey Katniss."

"Stop. It." Finnick says slowly and eerily calm. "You're really pushing it, Tom."

"Don't worry, Finn." I assure him, though I'm not really sure why. Finally, the elevator moves, and in a few short seconds, we're out of the cramped metal box and I can breathe. I hold his hand down the hallway and don't let go as we get to my room, I push open the door, and bring him in after me by the neckline of his shirt. My lips are on his as soon as we get in the door, and after a few seconds, he pushes me against the door, and starts leaving a trail of kisses down my jaw. He reaches my neck and sucks on my pulse point. There's definitely gonna be a hickey there tomorrow, I say to myself. But then again, does it really matter? I tip up his chin, and reconnect our lips. Our tongues battle for dominance and it's just lips and teeth against each other and my hands fisting at the base of his neck, where his too soft to be real hair ends.

I break us apart reluctantly, and Finnick takes the opportunity to start kissing my neck again. I fumble with the buttons on his shirt, getting the top half of them undone, and Finnick starts working on mine. It's sloppy and we'd probably get our clothes off a lot faster if he stopped leaving bites all over my collar bone and neck, but I don't want him to. But things don't always go according to plan.

"Guess what? I found a bottle-" Haymitch busts in, holding a bottle of liquor. He almost drops it when he sees what we were doing. "Come on you two. Finnick, keep it in your goddamn pants. And really, Sweetheart? Your sister could walk in at any minute. Be a little responsible for once." He stops for a second. "Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean that. Anyways, wanna drink with me? District 13 has a whole cellar of vodka, but none of them drink! It's perfect."

Finnick and I both shrug. "Why not?" I smile, buttoning my shirt back up. *

In maybe twenty minutes, the three of us finish a small bottle of the liquor. According the the clock on my nightstand, it's only five thirty, so we've been here for less than an hour. Shit! Prim'll be home any minute. Haymitch, seeing my alarm, looks over at the clock, and sits up, almost stumbling over. For someone who's always drunk, he really can't manage himself like that. It's sad.

He stumbles out of the room, and I laugh a little, laying my head on Finnick's chest. "I love you, you know that, right?" I tell him, sighing. I feel so... peaceful. No, that's probably just the liquor coursing through my veins.

"I love you too, Katniss." Finn brushes a few strands of hair out of my face with his hand, and tilts my chin up to kiss me. It's less desperate and passionate, but it's sweet and just as loving. For all of his player, over-sexed rep, he really knows how to be romantic without even trying. It's perfect, and there's nobody I'd rather be with.

I hear Prim open up the door, but I can't will myself to get up. "Hey Katniss." She says, dropping her schoolbag on her bed. She squeals a little when she sees the clothes on her bed. "You went home? Wow. Thanks, really." She hugs me, and sniffs. She must smell the liquor in the air. "Why don't you just move in with Finnick already? I mean like for here – while the war or second rebellion or whatever you wanna call this – is going on."

"You sure?" I ask her, a little worried. "It's just that I don't wanna abandon you or anything."

"Katniss." Prim smiles at me, shaking her head. "Don't worry about me, okay? Seriously, I mean you were always taking care of me for the last seven or eight years. Relax a little, enjoy your life, okay? It's perfectly alright to take care of yourself. I love you, now go get packing." I see Prim pull Finnick over while I start folding my clothes. It's hard to make out what she says, but I hear it. "Finn, I like you a lot, but if you ever hurt her, don't think you'll get off so easy."

_Prim? Protecting me? Oh, how the tables have turned._


	37. Chapter 37

"Finally." Finnick drops a stack of my clothes onto his bed, letting out an exasperated sigh. "You have way too much stuff, especially since we're only gonna be here for a month at most. "We should put this away and then go to dinner. You know what? We're both pretty drunk. Lets just deal with the clothes in the morning."

"Good idea." I suggest. I stand up from the chair in the corner of the room, and I almost fall over. I didn't realize how much I drank. Oh well. I don't really care. "Are you even hungry?" I ask him. He shakes his head. "Can we just lie here for a little. I don't really wanna go downstairs." Finn shrugs, taking a pile of shirts and putting him on the small table in the corner. I stretch my arms and yawn. I'm so tired. I lift my shirt above my head and throw it at him playfully. "I'm gonna take a shower. Are you coming in?"

"You don't need to ask twice." He smirks, winking at me. That still makes me blush. I take of all my clothes and put them in the laundry chute, not feeling the need to cover myself up at all. Finnick's the only person I can be truly and completely naked with, in both the literal and emotional sense. I turn on the boiling hot water, and a small timer counts down from twenty. District 13 tries to be frugal about everything, even water, so they time showers. The people who grew up here get five minutes. I let down my hair and close my eyes under the water. I feel a pair of hands wrap around my waist and Finnick kisses the base of my neck. I turn around to meet his lips with mine. "I could get used to this." He tells me, getting the bar of soap. "Turn around."

I try to protest, but he shushes me. Finnick takes a gray washcloth and rubs me down, from my shoulders and arms, all the way down my back, and he pinches my butt. I squeak, and he chuckles. He soaps up my legs, and then begins to work his way up my legs, completely ignoring the tops of my thighs and skipping up to my slightly protruding hipbones. He pokes my belly button and stops, letting the water wash off the soap. "Are you not gonna finish up?" I ask him, slightly annoyed and very wet.

"Oh yeah, I forgot your hair! Silly me." He smiles playfully, feigning nonsense. He massages the two-in-one shampoo into my hair, humming under his breath. He's about halfway through getting the soap out of my tangled hair when I mutter fuck it and push him against the hard wall of the shower, kissing him fiercely. He shakes his head at me. "After. We're timed, remember? The water's gonna shut off in a few minutes." I frown, but I guess I can wait. I quickly finish washing the rest of my body, and I see that there's seven minutes left.

"Let me help you out." I smirk, gently pushing Finnick under the stream of water. He shivers and I take a step back to just look at him. He's so perfect. It's almost like he's unreal, or I'll wake up and this'll be a dream. I don't think I'll ever be unfazed by Finnick Odair's extraordinary beauty. I take some body wash and rub it between my hands. I massage it from the nape of his neck all the way down his toned back. I do the same on his chest, spreading the soapy lather all over. Finnick's already cleaned his legs, so I don't even bother. I rub a little more soap on my hands and trail my hands down to his length. I twist my hand up and down a few times, just to admire how quickly he hardens in my small hands. I stroke him a few more times. His eyes close and he thrusts his hips into my hand. I peek over at the timer on the wall, and there's only two and a half minutes left; "Whoops, sorry." I say, letting go of him abruptly. "We have two minutes to wash your hair." Finnick groans unhappily. I laugh. We quickly wash his hair, and them the water stops, the timer making a short beep.

We step out of the shower, and I pass him a towel. I dry myself off, and catch a peek at Finnick again. He looks at me, and he has that gleam in his eyes. They're black with lust, and I can tell exactly what he's thinking. I take the towel out of his soft hand, and drop it on the floor by his feet. I tug his hand, and look up to kiss him again. His hands get lost in my hair, and our tongues battle for dominance, a messy combination of tongue and teeth. I bite down gently on his lip, and he picks me up and carries me the short distance to the bed, where he drops me on it unceremoniously. I would be a little annoyed by that, but I'm too needy to care. Finnick climbs on top of me, and starts kissing my neck again. He works his way down my body, kissing down my jaw, to my breasts, and biting each of the nipples gently. They harden in his mouth, and I can't help but arch my back into his mouth. He trails kisses down my pale stomach, and sticks his tongue in my navel. He brings himself right back up and kisses me gently.

Finnick trails his fingers down my stomach slowly, making me shiver. Even though we have all the time in the world, I'm more impatient than ever. "Hurry up." I tell him, biting down on his neck gently.

"Someone's needy." He mocks me jokingly. He rolls off me, and I can't help but pout. _Tease._ I see that he's not going anywhere, but just pulling out a condom and rolling it on. I nod at him in appreciation for his quick-thinking. I never would have remembered, and I really don't wanna get pregnant. Again. Finnick kisses me again, and sticks his tip in, agonizingly slow. Finnick pushes in completely, and I moan embarrassingly loud. He starts to thrust slowly, obviously having fun teasing me. I'm not enjoying that too much. I need him, now.

"Just fuck me already." I growl in his ear. Finnick is never one to disappoint. I reconnect our lips, craving the contact. I wrap my leg around his back so he can get deeper. Harder, faster. I'll never get tired of this. He's perfect and we're perfect for each other and it's so good. I can't help but rake my nails down his back, so hard I might draw blood. But that's really not a priority right now. His lips are on my jaw again and I can't think straight. Not that it's really a bad thing.

Time loses it's meaning. It's just me and him, the world has melted away. Nothing else matters. I'm not sure how long later, but Finnick snakes his hand down between us and gently squeezes my clit between his first two fingers. I clench down around him, seeing stars. He thrusts a few more times, and groans, coming. He quickly rolls off me, and dumps the condom in the garbage pail by the bed. I miss him in the few seconds.

He comes right back, and wraps his arms around me. I kiss him softly, lovingly, but not as passionately. We're worn out, and it takes me a little while to get my breathing back to normal. I yawn a little.  
"Tired?" He asks me, smiling cockily.

"You wear me out." I smile. It's not a bad thing. "I love you."

"I love you too." Finnick whispers. He looks over at me and turns off the light.


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You should listen to "Staying Up" by The Neighbourhood while listening to this. :)  
> Lots of feels in this chapter.

I wake up for no reason, springing up in bed, my heart pounding. I must have had a nightmare, but I don't know or remember what it was about. Finnick groans in his sleep, and tightens his grip on my waist. He's been losing it the past couple of days. Well, we both have. But we've been inseparable because of it. It doesn't help that today is a very big day for both of us. We both have terribly important jobs.

The propos were a flop, Haymitch and everyone else agreed that they were too staged; too obviously fake. But we managed to get a few good shots. We went to District 8 and filmed me at a hospital, and shooting down a Capitol hovercraft. Finnick and I both got shiny new toys - well, weapons - and they're ridiculously high-tech. I love them. But we're only allowed to use them under strict supervision. We've both gone off the deep end in the short amount of time we've been here. It's like an asylum, (that's the pre-Panem word for it, I think) and I just feel so trapped. It doesn't help that we can't go outside. We both have to wear bracelets on our right wrists that say in bold typeface: Mentally Unstable. It doesn't seem necessary to me, and it's like announcing it to the whole world that I'm... well, crazy. Finnick's a lot more upset about it than I am. The anxiety of not knowing anything about his family and Annie's whereabouts is really getting to him. And there's nothing I can do to help.

I look over at Finn, who's sound asleep. He looks so young and innocent. His dark brown eyelashes rest on his cheek, and they're so long I wonder how they don't get tangled in each other. His bronze hair is matted to his forehead with a thin sheen of sweat. He has a relaxed and almost peaceful expression on his face, but I know that it's not the case. I can only imagine what nightmare he's stuck in right now. They've been getting a lot worse for both of us, but Finnick can't always wake himself up and get out of them.

As if on cue, he begins to thrash in his sleep, and his arm smacks me in the stomach. _Ow_. But it's not his fault. I shake him gently, trying to rouse him. "Finnick." I say loud enough for him to hear. "Wake up."

Finnick groans, and sits up, rubbing his eyes. "Hm?" He runs a hand through his hair, mussing it up. "Morning. You ready for today?" He asks me.

Honestly? No, I'm not. Fulvia Cardew came up with a genius idea three days ago. A series of propos titled **We Remember**. They would feature all of us - me, Finnick, Gale and Beetee - talking about our time in our first Games, and also about victors we know who have died. This is meant to improve District support, and get the last remaning people to join the rebellion. But it's more than that. They're a distraction for the Capitol. Because a bunch of District 13's best trained soldiers are going to the Capitol to try to rescue Johanna, Gloss, and anyone else who might be held captive. Finnick and I are forbidden from going, but Gale gets to. They claim it's for our safety, but I know they just think we can't do it cause we're too 'crazy'. It's not fair.

Speaking of not fair, Alma Coin has been giving me a hard time for no reason. Boggs says that it's cause she doesn't trust me yet. But there's more to it than that, I can tell. Apparently she's not sure of my alliances. But I don't want to be a part of District 13. We're just allies because we want to be rid of the Capitol. But, then what? A part of me feels like Coin would take over and be like a new Snow. And that seems even scarier to me. I really hope I can be the one to kill him. If I could get the privilege of ending the life that caused me and my friends' pain, it would feel a little better, and soften the constant ache I feel for everyone I know who's died because of him- Rue, Peeta, Alyssa, Cinna, Mags, Wiress, Cashmere, and everyone else who's died a death in these terrible games. I must be the one to kill him.

_I need to kill him._

I make a vow to myself, right then and there. I know I'll do it. Finnick stretches his arms, unaware of the new ideas forming in my mind. "What time is it?" I ask him. We wake up at nine to get to breakfast by nine thirty. This is seen as lazy by the people in District 13 (they usually wake up at six every day, but seven thirty on Sundays. Sundays are the day when there's no school or work, and if there is, it's only for a few hours. Pre-Panem, Sundays were off for spiritual reasons. They had religion. I'm not sure what it is, but they always talk about it in school.

He shrugs, and looks over at the clock. "It's a little after nine right now. We should get up." That really doesn't seem fun, even though fun really isn't a priority. I'm so warm and content in Finnick's arms. I groan in protest. Finnick rips off the blankets, and picks me up. "No, no, Katniss. We're getting up, right now. Go pee or something." He chuckles a little to himself, and I feel it vibrate in his muscular chest. He dumps me unceremoniously, but carefully as to not actually hurt me on the edge of the bed. I moan in protest, but get up anyways. I brush my teeth and comb out my hair that's messy from tossing and turning all night. I've strayed away from District 13 norms in clothing, replacing my gray pants and button down shirt for a belted men's version of the shirt (stolen from Finnick, as usual), and gray leggings from home. I've replaced the used shoes with my black boots Cinna made me for the victory tour. It still hasn't fully sinken in that he's gone. I don't know when it will, but it won't be pretty by any means.

We both get dressed and make our way down to late breakfast. The only people there are a tired looking Haymitch (who's nursing a hangover, as usual) and the elderly here in District 13. Anyone over the age of seventy (if they're lucky enough to live that long) get to 'retire', and they still have a schedule, but it's much more relaxed. They don't even look in our direction as we walk in. We get our food - slightly burnt toast with some type of genetically engineered butter replacement, and a small bowl of orange and green melon slices. Finnick and I sit down next to Haymitch with our cups of orange juice and ice water. He does as much as grunt at us, so we know he's acknowledged our presence at the table. He can't lift his head up. "What happens when you run out?"

Haymitch lifts his head up for that, and responds, sounding annoyed. "Remember what happened the weeks before 71st Games? With the cigarettes and the morphling and everything else-" He sighs, and looks at me. "Let's not talk about it. Anyways, all I can say that you better hope that the war'll be over by then. Or it'll be a big problem." Cigarettes? Morphling? And what's everything else? I know that they're not talking about Haymitch - he's only ever drank. That's a known fact. So they must be talking about... Finn. For everything I know about Finnick Odair, I'm positive there's a lot I'm completely left out about. I'm don't think that's a bad thing - I care so much about Finn, but ignorance is bliss. That could easily be a good thing. But the good question is, does anyone really know him? Completely, that is. There's so much to Finnick, I don't think he even knows everything about himself. Maybe it's better that way. Finnick shoots a glance at me with worry in his eyes, but I stay focused on my breakfast, drinking my sugarless coffee.

We finish up breakfast and go downstairs to where we'll be filming the propos. The team that's rescuing the prisoners in the Capitol, including Gale, left ten minutes ago, for the 2 hour hovercraft ride to the Capitol. That gives us a little under an hour and a half to shoot these propos so Beetee can get them on air when the rescue team gives us the signal. Fulvia's worked nonstop for the past week on the scripts, and I've memorized them and can recite it back like it's my own name. This should be easy. I'm wrong.

Half an hour later, we're into maybe our twelfth shitty take. Finally, Haymitch gives up and takes my headpiece microphone off. "This is terrible." He grumbles. "Everyone!" He calls the whole team over. We all sit down at the table - Boggs, Plutarch, Fulvia, Beetee, Finnick, Thomas Leevy and this man named Dalton from District 10. "What was a time when Katniss Everdeen moved you? I don't mean when you wished you had her dress or her shoes, I mean when you were touched. Emotionally, you felt something."

"When she volunteered for Prim, her little sister. Because I knew she was sure that she was going to die." Finnick says, squeezing my hand under the table and smiling at me. It starts off some type of chain reaction, because everyone goes around the table saying their favorite Katniss Everdeen moment.

"You wouldn't know this, but Katniss hunted illegally in the woods outside District 12 since she was eleven to support her family. And she would always give food out to the needy, even though she could barely feed herself." Leevy nods at me, a look of appreciation on her face. It makes me feel warm.

"When she risked her life to bring the medicine to Peeta, the boy from her district." Beetee chimes in.

"When she sang to the girl Rue, from District 11. As she died." Plutarch adds.

"She only killed when it was necessary." Dalton mutters, in his thick district accent.

"Her most recent interview with Caesar, before the Quarter Quell. You could see the hurt in her eyes. That wasn't acting." Fulvia says.

"This wasn't televised, but when she sacrificed her pride amongst other things to keep her family safe, even after she won her Games." Thomas says quietly. Haymitch shoots him a nervous glance, and I see Finnick's knuckles turn white around the edge of the table. We don't talk about that.

Haymitch effectively changes the subject, well really returns it to what it was. "Well what do all those moments have in common? They're not scripted. Fulvia, the We Remembers will be great, but for this part, let her make it up as she goes along." Seems like a plan. We get right back to filming.

That doesn't really work either. I stumble over my words, and keep rubbing off the edges of my eye makeup. During an outtake, Finnick comes up behind me. "I think I know what to say. Haymitch, let me?"

"You really don't have to do this." This is probably the first time I've ever heard Haymitch sound worried about... well _anyone._ I look around at the Capitol crew of camera-people. They're gossiping excitedly amongst themselves.

"No, I do." Finn insists. He turns to me. "Besides, it might make you a little more comfortable in front of the camera." He takes a deep breath, and Fulvia hands him her pocket mirror. He flips his hair, and my stomach flutters a little. Even when he's not trying. All of us stand behind the camera man, and there's a hushed silence. There's a short beeping noise and the camera's red light goes on. Finnick takes a deep breath and smiles a little. He's terrified. But to anyone else, he'd look adorable - he is, but I know that he's masking his fear. I'm just as scared to hear whatever it is that he says. I dig my nails into the palm of my hand, trying to take my mind off the overwhelming anticipation. After what seems like forever, even though it's only been a few seconds, he speaks. "Being a victor isn't as good as it seems. When anyone goes into the games - whether they're a volunteer or an unlucky kid, they'd like to win, to go back home to their family. Most people want to live. But as a victor, I can vouch for most of them. I honestly wished that I had died in my Games. But we can't go back in time, can we?" There's a few gasps. Thomas shivers. I nod, and Haymitch puts his arm around me.

"Lets start at the beginning, shall we? Ten years ago, a fourteen year-old boy named Finnick Odair was reaped to be in the 65th Annual Hunger Games. Before this, his only concerns were doing well in school and getting a girlfriend. Now he has to worry about his life. Finnick - well _I_ \- was pretty lucky, the odds were already in my favor. Districts 1, 2 and 4 have Career Academies. We're trained to kill as a part of school, every day. It's illegal, but it's common knowledge in the districts. The Capitol chooses to turn a blind eye on this. We'll get to that later though. So I could kill anyone in a multitude of ways, with or without weapons. It's not a coincidence that District 12 has only had 4 victors, ever. And two of them were... special cases. That's a different story. So I go into my Games, and I kill and I kill and I kill. I have the highest body count in the history of the Hunger Games. That's nothing to be proud of. After, the Games are over, and I want to put this all behind me. But I can't. My family moves out and I live with my sister, who's never home. They're all scared to be in the same room as me, since they see me for what I am: a murderer. Not only does this follow me back at home, but in the Capitol, in a different way. They loved me. They still do. I'm considered beautiful to them, and it's a little strange. They've been trying to get their hands on me since I was fourteen. The rest of this story isn't past tense." I squeeze Haymitch's hand so hard he makes a quiet yelp. Finnick's eyes meet mine, silently asking me asking a question. It hits me what he's going to do, and I almost fall to my knees. He wants to do this?

Finnick takes a deep breath, and continues. "President Snow sells me. My body, that is. I've been a whore for ten years. I had slept with maybe thirty different wealthy Capitol people in my short time in the Capitol before I was even of the legal age, sixteen. Your neighbors. Your wife. Chances are, I fucked them. Or a different victor did. A handful of the other young, beautiful victors were sold. But I was the most popular one." Everyone looks over at me, to see if I knew this. I just look down. Finnick takes a deep breath, and continues

"Well, you might be wondering, why do I put up with this? If you don't, they kill somebody that you love. My childhood friend, Sebastian, was reaped when I called Snow out on something. My absolute best friend, and for a while, my girlfriend, Annie Cresta, was reaped when I refused to sleep with a group of men. She made it out alive, but she lost her sense of self in the arena. They all think she's crazy. And my little sister, Dahlia, was reaped when I made... a terrible mistake. By then, there wasn't much that they could do to hurt me - I built a shell around me and made myself untouchable. So that, in combination with a few other things led to the ultimate punishment. Make me and my family, the other victors, fight to the death. That's the thing, Snow doesn't care. A life means nothing to him."

"Now back to Annie Cresta, poor Annie. She went 'mad'. But that's normal though. All the victors lose themselves. Ask any of us when the last time we were able to sleep without night terrors - flashbacks from our time in the Games? The last time I slept without nightmares was before my Games. And most of us can't cope with that. So we turn to relief someplace else. You've seen the morphling addicts, and the drunks. I was worse. I smoked, I drank, I tried most drugs, even the illegal ones. I was addicted to morphling for a whole year, and cigarettes for four. It was terrible, and I hate myself for it. I hate myself for a lot of things. I'm clean now, but both substances age you so quickly, which is why I look a lot older then I am. I'm only twenty-four. A few more years, I would have probably overdosed, and died. Speaking of dying..." He trails off, and smiles widely at me. It's an insane, manic type of smile, that scares me.

"Well, as a Victor, I got all the money I could possibly need. So after I slept with these clients, I got something a lot more valuable than jewels. I got secrets. And as you know, I have nothing less to lose. So lets make a few things know to the public." Finnick goes off, spilling dirty secrets of the Capitol's elite. Incest, cheating, a love child, and murder. I don't know most of the names he mentions, but from the looks on the faces of Haymitch, Beetee, Thomas and all the other Capitol people, these are scandalous. Plutarch smiles, and Fulvia nods. I can only guess what they're thinking.

"And now, on to our good President Coriolanus Snow. So young when he rose to power. He had to be very smart to be able to keep it. How _did_ he do it?" Finnick asks rhetorically and grins manically. "Poison." He goes back to sixty years ago, when President snow at age 25 rose to power, explaining the whole story, of which I nothing about. He points out case after case of mysterious deaths, from his adversaries, to even worse, his allies, advisors and even his own son, who were seen as possible threats to his power. All these people dropped dead at parties, or declining slowly into nothingness. Blamed on an allergic reaction to food or medicine, rare diseases with no known cure, or an overlooked problem with a vital organ. "So tragic, yet even more convenient. But the Capitol people aren't that dumb, to just consider all of this a coincidence. He resorted to drinking from some of the poisoned cups. But antidotes don't always work. Thats why he always wears genetically engineered roses that are so strong-smelling. They cover the scent of blood from his mouth sores that will never heal." Poison. The perfect weapon for a snake. "They say, everyone says... that Snow has a lists, and nobody knows who's on it. You won't know you're next until your last dying breath."

Since my view of the Capitol is already so low, I am surprised, but it seems like something Snow would do, very easily. But the Capitol 'rebels'? Not so much. The crew is just sitting there, stunned. Fulvia has a blank stare on her face. I run over, and hug Finnick tightly. He keeps his head low, and I can feel a few drops of hot tears drip down my cheek from his. I kiss him hard and passionately. "I'm so proud of you for doing that." I wipe away the tears and just hold him for a few moments. I realize that the cameras are still rolling. Finally, I pull away and sternly say "Cut." The crew runs off with Fulvia to crop and edit the material. Beetee, Dalton and Leevy disperse, and Plutarch pulls Finnick aside to ask him a few questions. I'm left alone with Haymitch. "Did you ever have to... you know?" I ask him quietly. I hate to say it, but he was pretty good looking at the time.

"No. Not after the stunt with the force field. They killed my mother, younger brother and girlfriend two weeks after I was crowned victor. He had nobody to use against me."

"And he didn't kill you?" I ask, stunned. He was a direct threat to Snow's power.

"Well, he obviously didn't." He responds sarcastically. "Well, there were two reasons for that. By keeping me alive, he knew I would be tortured by all of that, and being responsible for killing two kids every year from then on. Also, I was an example, for what happens if you misbehave. For all the young Finnicks, Johannas, Cashmeres, and for you." He looks at me, and I see something in his gray Seam eyes that looks foreign to them. It almost looks like... remorse. "Katniss," he says, quietly. "I am so so sorry you ever experienced that. And I'm sorry I couldn't protect you." I'm so caught off guard but this,that I don't know what to say. I hug him tightly, and don't want to let go. He's so protective, it reminds me of the way my father used to be. Haymitch is like my father. We have so much in common - our fathers both died in the mines, and we had to take care of our families. He never hunted outside of District 12, but he still lost loved ones and I feel his pain.

I like Haymitch - so what if he's a drunk? Its only because he couldn't cope. Without Finnick I'd probably be much worse. He's the closest thing I have to a father, and a true friend. He always looks out for me, and while sometimes he gets me mad, he's only trying to help.


	39. Chapter 39

We wait. And wait. And wait. The clock on the wall seems to be frozen, seconds taking hours. The crew members are editing Finnick's tell-all with Beetee. Plutarch and Haymitch are having a heated argument over something in a glass room. I hear no words since the room is soundproof, but I can tell it's serious. Finnick and I sit on the floor of the room, knees pulled to our chest. From the clock, we've been sitting here for at least two hours. Beetee curses loudly. He's been working on the airwaves for a while. Finally, I hear him shout, "Forget this. If they're not out by now, they're dead." He storms out and slams the metal door behind him so hardly that the whole room shakes. Finnick looks straight at the wall ahead of us and says in a flat, removed, monotone "I really hope they're not dead." His voice sounds so hopeless, it makes me feel like they are. My head falls into his lap, and he starts braiding a few strands of my hair. I'm not asleep but I'm not really awake either. I just tune out everything and everyone, only staring at the gray blank wall in front of me.

Thomas comes by, and hands me a flask of something. I sit up and thank him, my smile not reaching my eyes. He slides down the wall next to me. I take a large gulp of the liquid, expecting hot tea. It's the strongest liquor I've ever drank, and it burns my throat. Tears run down my cheek and I sputter a little. "Thanks." I cough out. I needed that. I pass it to Finnick, warning him "It's strong."

Finnick laughs a little. "I got that." He teases me, and kisses my cheek. He chugs maybe half of it, and leans his head against the wall. Me and Thomas look at each other. He nods at me, and tells me to not worry about it. I can't not worry. I'm worried about everything - from Johanna and Gloss in the Capitol, to Gale and the others who are trying to rescue them to Prim who's in school right now to Finnick's and my sanity, or the constant loss of thereof. Everything is stressing me out, and there's nothing that I can do about it.

Finally, Haymitch busts into the room. I'm not sure how long. Time really has no meaning anymore. "They're back!" He pants, out of breath. Finnick tries to ask him something. "They're in the hospital, that's all I know." We run down the hallway, and up the stairs ten flights to get to the hospital. We're all out of breath, but taking the elevator would take too long.

There's commotion in the hospital, and the usual calm District 13 staff are in a panic. There's loud beeping on a multitude of the machines. I hear a loud voice, over the rest. "Get the fuck off me! Don't you fucking touch me!" Finnick and I exchange a look. That was definitely Johanna. I push someone out of my way as I sprint down the hall. We're shocked with what we see. Johanna looks like a ghost of herself. She must have lost at least fifteen pounds, and she was pretty thin to begin with. Her hair is all shaved off, and her cheeks are hollow. She's still in her underclothes from the arena, and her body is covered in a multitude of rainbow colored bruises. There's cuts all over her body, and a large cut on her right cheek. She's shaking, but smiles a little when she sees us. "Hey you guys." She manages to whisper, and we both hug her tightly. She looks like she's about to say something else, but the IV that the hospital gave her pulls her under.

Beetee finds us again, while we're sitting at Johanna's beside. We're not sure who else is here. He looks at his clipboard. "This is everyone that they rescued," he reads down the list, "Johanna, Gloss, Annie, Adrienne - that's your sister, isn't it? - and Grant and Natalie, as well as their kids. We got a full house here."

We go down the hall, stopping in everyone's room to see how they are. Annie appears to be left unscathed. The same could be said about Adrienne, except they both look like they lost a bit of weight, which isn't necessarily a good thing. Grant and Natalie's kids - who are super cute, are fine as well. I can't say the same for everyone else. Natalie has a broken arm and is bruised, Grant's neck is in a brace. Gloss looks the worst. He's all bruised, and has a black eye. The usually intimidating looking guy has puffy eyes, and a red nose. He's been crying. It's hard to picture. He's so strong, and unbreakable. But clearly they broke him. "What did they do to you?" Finnick asks, sounding half sympathetic and half angry.

Gloss coughs a little, and wipes his nose. "What didn't they do? It's cool though. I'm alright you guys, seriously. It's just good to be here, and not there. Talk to Jo, alright. She needs people right now a lot more than I do." Some doctors come in to evaluate him, so we have to leave.

It takes a while, but Finnick and I are able to piece everything together. The Capitol is not dumb, and they just held Annie and Adrienne to use against Finnick. They thought Jo and Gloss would have information, so they were tortured. Grant and Natalie were told a little, but the kids were mostly there to be threatened with harm if Grant and Natalie didn't cooperate. But according to all of them, they didn't give in, at all.

Rooming is a bit of an issue. There isn't enough room for everyone. Grant, Natalie, and their kids are put into a room meant for someone disabled, so that way there's extra room for the crib. Adrienne gets her own room. Annie ends up sharing a room with Gloss once they're both out of the hospital, (which Finnick hates the idea of) and Johanna with Haymitch. She tells me that they're getting back together, which is good. Haymitch actually smiles when he's with her, and she's less bitter. I'm happy for them. Speaking of happy couples, Gale and Madge are dating. It's actually really cute. Also, Gale seems to be less angry with Finnick all the time, which is good.

Days go by slowly, but they blend together. We seem to be making progress on the rebellion, sending new propos out almost every day or two. But still, we're just in District 13. I'd like to get out of here soon, before I totally lose it. I haven't seen sunlight in months. Suddenly, something shocking happens one day. Johanna, Gloss and Thomas are over, and we're all drinking and laughing about something the other said. Our small boxy televisions flash on and go into mandatory viewing. Caesar Flickerman has an interviewee, for the first time in a while. It's an old victor, and I'm not quite sure who. He's from District 2. Johanna and Gloss and Finnick are all in a commotion, so I only catch the last exchange. "So, do you have anything to say to Katniss Everdeen and the other rebels?"

He looks straight on at the camera, and says in his shaky voice. "Give it up already. Y-you in District Thirteen - d-dead by morning!" The camera is moved to the floor and a red splash of what we can assume to be blood stains the white marble. The anthem plays, and the Capitol's seal is shown. Fade to black.

After a few moments, I'm the first one to speak. "What the hell does that mean?" I ask.

"He's from 2. Careers are on side with the Capitol, no doubt." Johanna responds as if it's the most obvious thing in the world. Gloss and Finn both frown.

"No, but why would they hurt him if- oh. How can the Capitol hurt 13?" Gloss muses, silently coming to some conclusion. "He's trying to clue us in on something."

"Nuclear weapons. It's the only thing the Capitol has that could hurt us-" Finnick trails off. "Oh my god. They're gonna bomb us." We're on our feet and out the door, in a second, spiriting down the hallway to the stairs, as we descend to where we can find President Coin. We burst through the door to her office, and she lifts her head up, looking at us quizzically. "We're gonna be bombed. Get everyone underground, well more underground." Finnick stumbles over his words. Coin looks at us to see if we're joking, and then types a code into a box on her desk. A piercing alarm goes off, and a loud voice comes over the speaker. Head to the bomb shelter, this is not a drill, I repeat this is not a drill. We are under attack, the doors are closing in T-minus 5 minutes.

Shit. We sprint to the bomb shelter, which is the lowest point in District 13 - on the 100th floor below ground. We're pretty safe there. But still, it's terrifying. People flood in, and go to their stations. We all wait by the guards by the door, until Haymitch, Prim (with Buttercup, that stupid cat) and Rory, Madge and Gale, Annie, Adrienne and Grant and Natalie with their kids are in. We're all assigned to 'Area D' which is basically two bunkers with a bunch of bunk beds stacked on top of each other. There's packs of freeze-dried food and a lot of water bottles so that we could last a month down here. Hopefully we won't be here that long. I hate being underground in general. There's so much weight that could come down on us any minute - it feels suffocating, like the mines. I could die like my father did, blown to bits underground.

I hate it here.

They do a quick roll call to make sure everyone's accounted for, and then close the sets of metal doors. No more than 5 minutes later, there's a loud, but clearly muffled boom from above. I can't help but begin to shake. My palms are sweaty and I shiver, even though it's not cold at all in here. I can't control my breathing and my heart is drumming a mile a minute; so loudly I can hear it in my ears. I look over at Gale, who's staring at me, with a similar terrified look on his face. "Dad." I say quietly but clearly. This is dark, dim and claustrophobic, just like the mines back home. Well our home is gone, but that's not the point. He nods, and wipes his hands on his grey trousers that are too short for him, and awkwardly end at his mid-calf. Madge smiles reassuringly at me, and squeezes Gale's arm. He whispers something to her and she nods.

I look around. Annie is curled up against Gloss, and they're chatting with Adrienne. Prim and Rory are playing with Buttercup. Madge is sleeping on Gale's shoulder. Johanna is tying knots frantically with Finnick. Haymitch is passed out on the floor. Grant is playing some type of game with the kids - the boy in Natalie's lap is giggling hysterically, and the girl is sound asleep, resting against Natalie's chest. The kids are so naive and innocent, it makes my heart ache. They won't have to worry about being reaped now, and they don't even know that their parents were... for lack of a better word, killers. Hopefully, they won't have to. But life doesn't work like that.

If we win, they'll grow up and go to school, and learn about the Second Rebellion and the terrible Hunger Games that caused it. The teachers will recognize the last names of the kids, and know that Grant and Natalie killed. Outside of 1, 2 and 4, victors are feared, not adored. If any of us have kids, they'll have to know. But they'll never have to be worried about the terror that could face them on their twelfth birthday. Tesserae won't be a death sentence, in fact it won't exist at all.

That's what I'm fighting for. A better future.

There's a seventh bomb. They're really trying hard to get rid of us. According to the sensors set up, they're not nuclear, but they're still very strong. Why don't we fire back? Everyone is asleep except for me. Finnick comes up behind me, and wraps his arms around me. It's just the two of us then. I can't help but start crying. It's not even silent tears, but loud sobs. "I want to get out of here. Right now. We can't stay." He holds me and wipes me tears, rocking me gently and telling me it'll be okay until I calm down. "How do you keep it together?" I ask him. I've never seen Finnick actually break down. "How do you... bear it?"

He just looks at me, and his sea green eyes are so empty, so dead, that it breaks my heart. "I don't. Obviously, I don't. I've tried everything there is, legal or not, and it doesn't work. I drag myself out of nightmares and find there's no relief in waking. My life is the nightmare." He looks like he's gonna say more, but he shakes his head. "It's best not to give into it. It takes ten times as long to put yourself together as it does to fall apart."

"Why couldn't we have died?" I ask Finnick. Maybe if they blew up the arena with all of us in it, instead of District 12 with my mother and all my friends and neighbors.

"I wish we were dead. I wish we were all dead. You and me and everyone. But mostly me. I can't live like this! Ten years and it still isn't any better than my first nightmare! I haven't slept in ten years, Katniss. We're not gonna get a full nights sleep for the rest of our lives." Finnick tells me. "All I have is you, and all I want is you. But not like this. The first time we ever met, was me yelling at your drunk mentor after you killed your first boyfriend!" He's risen to a loud whisper - not loud enough to actually rouse anyone, but a lot louder than a normal tone. "I love you but I don't want to love anyone like this."

I see his puffy eyes and red nose. His bronze-brown hair is messy, and not in the cute way, in the I-haven't-showered way. We're both so screwed up, but him even more than I. I just hold him tightly, kissing away his tears. Somehow, we'll make it through this. We have to. We've been fighting our whole lives, it's nothing new. Once all of this is over, it will be a lot easier. We just have to hang in there until then. I know it'll get harder than it already is, but we need to be strong for each other. All of our closest family and friends are here, but we're still all alone. Finnick pulls something out of his pocket and gives it to me. It looks like a rope. I look at him quizzically. "When I'm really anxious, or worried, or really just need to get my mind of things, it's really therapeutic to tie knots." I shrug, taking the piece of rope. I have nothing to lose by trying this, and it could help. Finnick pulls out a second piece and shows me how to make a few different type of knots. We sit there in silence, for I don't even know how long. The only noise is the sound of our fingers twisting and tying the rope in the dim light.

I don't know when I pass out, but I wake up to find myself in Finnick's lap. He's asleep, head against the wall of the bunker. I sit up and he stirs. My dreams were unpleasant, but I didn't wake from them, which is worse on so many levels. I rub my eyes and comb through my hair with my fingers. My neck and back are stiff from the way I was sleeping. Finnick groans and rubs his neck. "Morning." He kisses me lightly on my forehead. There's no clocks down here, at all, so I have no idea if it's even morning. But for the most part people are asleep - from what I can tell - so chances are it's still early.

There's a quiet thump beside me and suddenly Gloss is by my side. "Annie." He says quietly. That's all he needs to say. Finn's up on his feet in a second, and climbing up the bunk to comfort the sobbing brunette. Then Gloss turns to me, and tells me quietly. "She's so far gone, that they knew they couldn't lay a finger on her. They're smart - they knew that besides, Finnick cares about her too much to put her at risk for even the slightest scratch." I don't say anything in reply. What could I say? That's good? I find an invisible point on the blank wall and stare at it.

Gloss sighs, and cracks a few of the knuckles on his hands. He's still beautiful, but he looks so exhausted. After a few minutes, he speaks again. "I really miss Cashmere, ya know. When we were little, we'd always be competing amongst each other. She's younger than me, but she was always better at everything. I remember when I won my games, all the years after that I was praying that she wouldn't get reaped. Partly because I love her, and didn't want her to go through everything I was doing. And wow, she had a better Games than me, and had it worse than me afterwards. And she's dead too." I don't know what to say. So I just rest my head on his shoulder, and squeeze his hand comfortingly.

"When we were little, she would always boss me around. And it bothered me so much, but Cash had the best intentions. And she would always dictate everything, up until the day she died. I really miss it. I used to be so annoying by her nagging, but it was a sibling thing. Now, I miss it so much that I just don't know what to do. I miss her telling me what to do. _What do I do_? Losing someone you love is the most painful thing in the world. " I nod in agreement. It is. We sit there in silence for I'm not sure how long. There's nothing we can say - no false words of hope or optimistic attitudes will dull the pain; no reassurances will actually assure us that things will be alright.

We're down in the bomb shelter for two more agonizing days. Finally, President Coin's voice comes over the announcement speaker system, letting us know that we can go upstairs to relax for the rest of the day - there is no school or work today. There wasn't any major damage from the bombings, just a fruit farm was hit badly, and that area's being sealed off as soon as possible. Our bunker finally goes upstairs, but none of us really want to be apart. All of my friends and my family end up in Haymitch's room, just being with each other. Gale and Madge are chatting with Adrienne about something, and Annie's playing cards with Prim and Rory. Gloss, Johanna and Thomas are drinking with Haymitch, and Grant and Natalie are playing with their kids. I'm in the corner, in Finnick's arms.

"I feel so suffocated here." I admit. I hate being underground, but it's even worse in District 13 where we can't go outside at all. And there aren't windows, or even natural light. It's all fluorescent, like the school back in District 12, and it's so bright and artificial that it hurts your eyes and gives you a headache. I just want to get out of here.

Finnick nods sympathetically. He agrees, I can tell. Being here is driving us crazy, slowly but surely. I need to get out of here as soon as possible. "Me too, believe me. Can I ask you something serious?"

"Of course."

"When we- and by we I mean the rebels and District 13 soldiers go into the Capitol to fight, do you want to go with them?" I'm not sure what answer he's hoping for.

I can't help but chuckle a little at the question. "Do I? Finnick, I've dreamed about the falling of the Capitol for my whole life. And I'm the Mockingjay, which means I'm technically leading this rebellion. How can I say no? And of course I would."

His lips give a slight tug upward and he kisses my shoulder. "I'm not leaving your side. Not when we fight, not after, not for the next however many years we live. I love you so much, Katniss."

"I love you too." I respond, genuinely smiling for the first time in a while. Finnick takes my head in his hands and kisses me hard. I fist my fingers through his messy hair and hold him so close I forget where we are. After a few minutes, someone coughs loudly. I reluctantly pull apart and see that everyone in the room is staring at us. Prim giggles a little.

"Get a room, you two." Gale teases us. His arm is around Madge, and he's smiling. He doesn't seem angry or bitter any more. I couldn't be happier. Maybe our relationship can go at least somewhat back to normal. I miss having Gale as my best friend. Maybe once all of this over, we can be friends again. I would like that.

"Finn, remember that one time we were all at that bar a few years back... well, yeah. You're like that drunk guy in the corner." Johanna tells him. I don't know what i means, but Gloss and Haymitch simultaneously crack up. Finnick cracks a smile and shakes his head. I realize that this is okay, and that we'll be okay. If we all stick together, we can get through this and go home, wherever that ends up being. Home is where we're all together.


	40. Chapter 40

The next few weeks go by slowly. Johanna, Gloss, Adrienne, Finnick, Gale, Rory and I join the beginner level of the military in District 13, so we can fight in the Capitol. Most of the fourteen year olds are in a lot better shape than us. Five mile runs in fake mud are not fun, especially for Rory and Finnick, who are surprisingly the most out of shape. We wake up at six o'clock sharp, and don't get to bed until ten thirty every day. The three meals we get are enough to keep us running until the next meal, but it's not enough to ever feel full. I've had worse, but being rich for the past few years has spoiled me.

During dinner, we're all at our usual table when the televisions in the cafeteria flash on. This is one of the Capitol's mandatory viewings. The anthem plays, the seal is shown, and President Snow comes on. "Citizens of Panem, greetings, and good evening." I look around nervously. Everyone seems to be as confused as I am. This doesn't happen.

President Snow continues in his slow, thoughtful monotone: "This message is not for the Capitol citizens, or those of Districts One through Eleven. This message is for the rebels in the ruins of District Thirteen. Yes, we know where you are, and we know your plans. We, the Capitol, would not like to resort to war."

Johanna scoffs. "Pssh. He's not fooling anyone." Someone shushes her, and I focus back on the television.

"We shall let you back into the districts you came from, with no fines or imprisonment. You may also choose to stay in the toxic wasteland that is the remains of District Thirteen if you let us be. We will not attack unless provoked. Under one condition, that is. Bring me Katniss Everdeen." The screens go black.

All eyes are on me. Finnick squeezes my hand. I know what everyone's wondering. Is she gonna do it? It seems to good to be true - one life sacrificed to spare thousands. But it seems too good to be true. Since when did President Snow negotiate? I feel like they're gonna get rid of me and then kill everyone here. I don't know. It couldn't hurt really. Besides, I'm probably better for the rebellion dead. I can become a martyr figure, and they can paint my face on banners. I can save them in death. I don't have the time to plan this, because Boggs comes over to me a moment later. "President Coin wanted to see you in her office." He informs me. I stand up, and follow him.

As soon as I sit down, President Coin starts speaking immediately. I know she's a no-nonsense woman and she doesn't sugar coat things, but it would be nice if she waited a minute before attacking me with her demands. "You're going to go to the Capitol, and you're gonna go to Snow."

I cut her off, annoyed. She doesn't see me as a human being, only a pawn or another disposable soldier. "What if I don't want to die? Don't I get any choice in this?"

"You choose to do whatever was necessary when you agreed to be the Mockingjay. Katniss, listen. District Thirteen has waited seventy-five years to bring down the Capitol. Letting all the District-people suffer for any longer is cruel, and just selfish. You're gonna speak to President Snow, but you do so armed. While you two are talking about whatever, you need to drag it along for as long as you can. The troops will take down the Peacekeepers, which is the Capitol's only armed forces. Then we'll try Snow for crimes against humanity, and someone new will rule Panem. It will still be Panem, but different. No Hunger Games. Equality, and enough food for everyone. Better schooling, and a better system of rule. Like how we do it here."

My eyes widen. "You're not doing this because you want peace and equality, you just want power."

President Alma Coin shrugs. "What's it to you? I'd be a fantastic ruler of Panem. And you get what you want - you'll get to kill him and go home. It's a win-win situation."

I hate her so much. I despise her, maybe even as much as I despise Snow. Maybe even more. She does make a good point though. And regardless of what I say, I'm going to the Capitol. I'll have to agree for now, I guess. "Fine. Know this. I don't like you, Coin. I don't respect you as a leader. You think you're better than the rest of us. You don't want to lead, you want to rule. That's a terrible thing. But nobody will believe me if I say it. So I'll do what you want me to, but I will not like it."

Coin looks stunned for a split second, but she quickly regains her masked, cool and calm demeanor. She waits a moment before speaking, her cold gray eyes unreadable. "Very well. Close the door behind you on your way out."

I slam the door so hard I hear a few things rattle on the walls. I curse under my breath. I hate her so much.

I flop down on my bed as soon I set foot in my room. I want to cry, but I can't. I scream into my pillow until my throat is raw. It's not until Johanna speaks that I realize there are other people in the room. I sit up and she wraps her arms around me, kissing my forehead. "You have to kill him." She tells me quietly.

"Obviously." I whisper. "I just want to kill her first."

"What happened?" Finnick asks, quietly. He's worried about upsetting me.

"Coin wants me to go in to Snow, to distract him while you guys take down the Capitol. Then she wants to try Snow and make herself the new President."

"I liked the first part of that." Johanna admits. "I don't like Coin any more than you do. But seriously, who else would lead the nation?"

"Boggs. Boggs would." I point out. "He's friendly, smart, and wise. That's all a leader needs to be. Also, he's not power-hungry."

"We could hold elections." Finnick suggests, "Like they used to in a place called Greece thousands of years ago. Democracy, I think it was called. Everyone over the legal age - in our case, sixteen, can vote for a leader, who would lead for four years." It sounds like a good idea. He looks at me weirdly for a second. "Hey. It's gonna be alright."

"Let's go to Haymitch's room. I wanna know what he would say about this." I suggest, standing up. "Also, I really need a drink."

Two weeks later, it's time to go to the Capitol. Johanna, Gloss, Boggs, Finnick, Gale, Thomas, Leevy and a few others are forming a squad that's being followed for cameras. I'm connected to their radios so I can tell what's going on.

We've all been given a small purple pill, with juices extracted from the nightlock berry. If we bite down on it, we'll die in a matter of seconds. If we get captured, we're supposed to kill ourselves. It's better than enduring torture, and we can't risk letting the Capitol know anything about District 13. I know exactly who the Capitol will try to get first, and those are my friends and family. Everyone will leave tomorrow morning, myself included. But I will be on a different hovercraft by myself.

There's a good chance I may never see some of these people again.

Prim and Rory are hanging out, and so are Gale and Madge. The rest of us - meaning Johanna, Gloss, Annie, Adrienne, Finnick, Thomas, Leevy and Haymitch - are cramped into Thomas' room. Annie's out of it, again. She's playing cards with Leevy on the bed, not quite sure what's going on. I wonder if they've told her. It used to bother me how Finnick would always hide stuff from her to protect her, it seemed like they were treating her like a child. Now I know why they do it. The rest of us are sitting on the floor - Adrienne curled up with Thomas (apparently they're a thing now, to Finnick's dismay), Haymitch drinking out of the bottle on the chair, and the rest of us just chatting. For some idea, telling war stories seemed like a good idea. "Hey everyone! What was the hardest and best part of your games?" Gloss asks out loud, trying to bring everyone together.

Finnick goes first. "The worst? For me, it was probably the first day. The best - getting that trident."

Johanna goes next. She thinks hard for a second, before coming up with an answer. "The worst was probably acting weak. And the best? Killing bitches." Leevy and Adrienne look uncomfortable at the way she says it. They don't get it.

Annie, who seemed to be spacing out, goes next, to everyone's surprised. "I liked being teamed up with my district partner, and swimming was pretty fun. I didn't like seeing him die." She focuses back on some point that none of us can see, and she's lost again. Finnick shakes his head and sighs. I squeeze his hand supportively.

"I liked being teamed up in the Careers. I didn't like when I had to kill people though. Yeah, I'm good at it, but it didn't seem right. I didn't want it to be that way. But obviously, I wanted to survive. I guess I am pretty glad I'm alive..." Gloss sighs, frowning. His games weren't anything out of the ordinary - Careers dominate, and then one kills the others in their sleep, and then finished everyone off.

Haymitch puts down the bottle with a large sigh and a quiet burp. "I liked the shit I pulled with the force field. Getting my intestines cut out wasn't that pleasant. Alright, you go, sweetheart." He tells me.

I have to think for a second. Obviously, I didn't like my Games. "Well, the worst for me was when Rue - the girl from District Eleven - died. And the best... being in that cave." I admit. Haymitch hoots and Johanna falls over laughing. Finnick smiles a little but wraps his arm around me protectively. "Are you jealous of a dead guy?" I ask, jokingly.

"Possibly." He winks at me, and then shakes his head. "Nope, not really. I'm just not too keen over the idea of other people doing anything with you."

"Oh please, Odair." Johanna scoffs, laughing. "I speak for all of us when we say that she's devoted to you. And seriously, you're deadly. Not many people would want to cross you." I smile at Jo warmly. She took the words right out of my mouth. Speaking of mouths, Finnick being jealous is the cutest thing ever, so I kiss him lightly, the type of kiss that makes people go aw. Nothing as deep or passionate as I'd like it to be.

It's Annie who says the next thing, and I think she speaks for all of us. "I wish I could freeze this moment and live in it forever. If that makes any sense. I just don't want anything to change. We're all so happy right now, and you guys are my family. I love you all."

None of us say anything. "She used to be very... thoughtful. Before her Games. Sometimes, she has those moments from time to time. It makes me sadder. You would have loved to talk to her before all of the crap happened."

"Finnick, I still do." I respond quietly. "We can't change what happened to Annie, to you, to me or to anyone else."

There's no formal goodbye. People file out of the room as it gets later. When Johanna hugs me goodbye she whispers, "You have to kill him. You have to." And I know I will. Finnick and I walk back to the room hand in hand. We stay awake almost the whole night, drifting in and out of consciousness, and holding each other. This is what love must be like. I know I'll die if I lose him, and it's be worse for him if I died. And we can't let that happen.


	41. Chapter 41

The ride to the Capitol is short, maybe only half an hour at most. President Coin decided to use the super hi-tech hovercraft on me this time. Still, it seems to go on forever. If this goes wrong, the last friend I'll see is Haymitch. I haven't let go of his hand the whole ride. I'm worried he's going to lose circulation in his fingers from how tightly I'm gripping him, but that's not that important at the moment. When we get there, and the hovercraft lands safely by President Snow's mansion, my breathing speeds up and I feel my heart drumming in my ears. It shouldn't be this easy. Haymitch cups my face in his hands. "Katniss," he tells me, "You go in there, and you talk for as long as you need. Drag it on forever, please. They estimate that they need another hour and a half to breech the mansion. Finnick, Jo, Gloss, they're all okay. You just focus on you."

I nod, and hug Haymitch tightly. I'm so scared that I'll screw up, and we'll all die. "I love you, Haymitch." I tell him quietly. It's not how like I love Finnick. It's how I loved my father. Haymitch is practically a second father to me. All of the victors - well, most are like a family. We're all screwed up, but who cares? We love each other. He says nothing, but kisses my forehead.

I stand up to walk out. I straighten my jacket. I look almost like how I did going into the arena the first time - similar outfit, trademark braid, and mockingjay pin over my heart. So much has changed since then and now. But one thing hasn't: my will to live.

"Save the sappiness for someone else. Yeah, yeah, you too, sweetheart. Go kick some ass." Haymitch smiles, a tinge of sadness visible in his eyes. He knows how much danger I'm in. He stops me on the way out. "Oh, Katniss? One more piece of advice. Stay alive." My lips twist upwards a little at our old running joke. I'll hold onto this memory forever, even if my forever is only for the next few hours.

When I step off the hovercraft pad, I'm met by three or four peacekeepers, all armed. I tense up, half expecting them to shoot at me. When none of us move after a few moments, the tallest one steps forward. I instinctively hold my breath. I catch a glimpse of his face, and can't help but notice that he looks oddly familiar. He gives me a closed mouth smile at my obvious assessment - a upward twitch of the lips so subtle that nobody else would have seen it if they were looking. "Kat-, I mean, Miss Everdeen? Come with us, please. We'll be escorting you to President Snow's mansion." I nod, trying to mask my surprise. His accent is not Capitol, and neither is it from District 2. It almost sounds... like a Seam accent. The way he almost called me Katniss makes me wonder if he's from District 12. I shake the idea out of my head. Everyone knows me as Katniss. It's nothing special. I take a deep breath, and walk behind the peacekeeper, watching the other three form an awkward formation around me.

The streets are deserted, so I'm not quite sure who they are protecting me from. All the Capitol people are on emergency lockdown and aren't to leave their homes. They get canned food and water delivered via rooftop every day, but still it must be _so_ hard on them. Haymitch's voice buzzes in my ear. They're in the Capitol. Halfway between the city's edge and the mansion. You have to keep Snow distracted for an hour at most. I mutter "Got it", quietly enough that only he can hear. If this goes wrong, the last ally I'll ever talk to is Haymitch. That in itself is more terrifying than the idea of dying at the hands of President Snow.

It's a short walk to the mansion, and the cool air is nice, especially after being underground in District 13 for so long. When we get inside the gloriously extravagant home, the other three peacekeepers disperse, I don't know where. The taller one, with sandy colored hair and cheeks turned pink from the wind, smiles a little at me again and leads me inside, up the large marble staircase. While the lobby is less decorated than how it was when I was here for my Victory Tour celebration, it's still gorgeous. While there isn't a word in the dictionary strong enough to describe how much I detest President Snow, he does have good taste in decor. It's way too overdone, even for the Capitol, but I'd prefer living here to my old home in 12 any day.

The ascent up the large, gray marble staircase only takes a minute or two, but it feels like hours. There's an unexplainable tightness in the pit of my stomach. For the first time in a long time, I'm terrified. I don't know what to expect at all. Obviously, I was scared going into the last games. But I was surrounded by friends and Finnick, so I wasn't alone by any means. And now I am. I remember the last thing Johanna said to me. _You go in there and you kill him. And I'll see you soon._ It wasn't teary or sweet, or even in her usual sarcastic tone. It wasn't a goodbye, that's why. She plans on seeing me soon. And Johanna Mason is by far, the most pessimistic person I know. That means there must be at least a little hope.

The peacekeepers walk me to the door of some room, and one of them ushers to me that I should go inside. My chest tightens, but I manage to give a sharp nod and take a slow, deep breath before turning the handle slowly to face my worst enemy.

What I see when I walk into that room is so unexpected, it catches me off guard. There's no guards, no guns, no cameras or microphones, from a brief glimpse around the room. Just President Snow sitting at his desk, reading a book. I close the door behind me quietly, and the click of the wooden door sounds like the sealing of my fate. He holds up a finger, meaning that I'm not to speak until he's done with whatever he's reading. After he finishes the page, he folds down the corner, closes the book, and places it on his bookshelf. Finally, President Snow looks up at me, and nods slightly. He motions to the chair on the other side of the desk from him. "Please, sit down."

Cautiously, I sit down on the wooden velvety chair. These things still make me mad. This could buy me two weeks of food back in even the richest district. Maybe even a month's worth in 12. I sit up perfectly straight, spine not touching the chair. Snow sits down after me, and takes a sip of some liquid in a white cup. He licks his lips, the lizard tongue dabbing across his puffy, stretched lips. The sight is repulsive, but I look unfazed. "You're probably wondering why I want to speak with you, Miss Everdeen. It's not some bargain, no 'Give me the Mockingjay and I'll leave you alone' tactic that your leader would use. We both know that your life, your individual life doesn't mean that much to me personally."

"Then why drag me all the way down here? Why do you want to speak to me so badly?" I ask, cutting him off. He seems slightly annoyed that I cut him off. We both know I'm not a very patient person.

President Snow chuckles to himself. It's not an evil, manic laugh, like one would expect from him. Rather, it's the laugh of someone who is genuinely amused at something. It's really unexpected from him. He continues, without skipping a beat. "I was getting to that, Miss Everdeen. I would like to just chat with you. Please, relax. And, warn you. Tell me, when your great army conquers the Capitol, and arrests and kills me, what will happen next? Surely, you will all celebrate the death of a tyrannical autocrat, and then the fact that there will be no more Hunger Games. But who will rule? And what will happen to you?"

I tilt my head in confusion. Where is he going with this. "Well, I'll probably leave 13, maybe go back to 4. Finnick and I'll settle down, and we'll live a calm life with no wars. At least for a little. As for who will rule Panem... I'm not quite sure. Probably President Coin."

"And tell me, Katniss. President Coin? Does she has any use for you after she has Panem? No. And we both know she despises you. Do you think she'll like to keep you around?"

"What are you trying to say?" I cut him off, and take a deep breath. I count backwards from 10 in my head. I can't let him get to me. He's just trying to mess with my head.

"I'm warning you Katniss. I'm never going to have to experience a new Panem after my rule, but you will. What makes you think President Alma Coin is best fitted to try to control twelve districts? She can barely take care of one, and there won't be kids fighting to death to keep people in check. Will that make it a great lovely place that you'll actually want to live in? I... sincerely doubt it."

I shake my head. Something about this seems pretty fishy. "What are you getting at? I don't follow you. Why do you even care?"

Snow just smirks at me, and takes a slow sip from his cup. After a moment, he sighs. "Would you believe me if I said I cared about the well-being of my people?"

I choke on my spit from laughing so hard. I'm not sure if he's joking or not. After I compose myself, I answer: "No. I wouldn't."

Snow raises an eyebrow at me and nods. "I didn't think so. You're a lot of things, Miss Everdeen, but you're by no means a fool." He clears his throat and continues. "Well, tell me this. Do you actually think of her fit to rule?"

"Any day, I'd pick her over you."

"Would you, really? I'm almost offended by that. Answer the question, Miss Everdeen. Yes, or no. Remember, a while back, we agreed not to lie to each other?"

I take a deep breath. "No, I don't. So what do you suppose I do?"

"So now you're coming to me for advice? Oh, how the tables have turned." He smiles, and I get an unpleasant view of his teeth and snake-like puffy lips.

"No. I was just curious of your opinion on the matter. You know, since you're so wise." I really hope it's not obvious that I'm stalling. I really need to keep him busy for as long as possible.

President Snow muses for a second, and then responds. "Well. You didn't hear it from me, but Panem is sick of this way of life. They'll want democratic elections. Or at least a constitutional monarchy, maybe even a republic. Who knows. After me, this life'll be gone. The Capitol will have a hard time adjusting, but the districts'll love it. Spread out the wealth, allow people to visit other districts, teach the children about a time before Panem. It wasn't all bad. Most don't even know why there were the Dark Days, or what that even means."

I'm taken aback. President Snow knows. "If you know all this, why not do it yourself?" I ask him.

"Well, when I was young, I wanted power, and hey - the districts were far too weak to rebel. They really still are. It was all 13. And, of course, you and your Victor friends. Hm, speaking of, how is Finnick?"

My knuckles clench white around the table. "He's well."

"Are you still together? I'm so sorry to hear about your loss... the baby, it is. I almost felt bad about sending a pregnant woman into the Arena, but if neither of you even knew, it was as if you weren't even any different."

"You knew?" I ask, clenching my fist even harder. My long, ragged nails scratch into the table. He frowns a little.

"Of course. We tested your blood before you went in, didn't we?" He looks at me, and scoffs a little. "Oh please, we check for everything. You'd be surprised, a lot of the older children showed signs of some diseases... also, even that girl from District 2 in your games, she was a month along. I believe that's why she volunteered."

I feel slightly sickened... and almost violated. He chuckles a little. "Not that long ago, I was selling you to people, don't be stupid. We've been checking every time you'd see a doctor."

"Touche." I nod. Haymitch comes to life in my ear. They're almost there. Five more minutes. Keep him busy a little longer, you're doing great sweetheart. "Still, you haven't told me. Why did you call me here in the first place? You don't seem like the type to request a friendly chat. As a matter of fact, most things about you are about as far from friendly as possible. Why do you even want me here? Am I really so valuable?"

He sighs, and rubs his left temple in small circles, in the exact spot where I would get headaches when I was younger. "Katniss, has it never occurred to you? Do you really need to hear it from me of all people? You're the Mockingjay, for goodness sake. None of this -" he motions all around, "would have been possible by you. When the rebels win, and eventually, they will, your name will go down in the history books. Your children will hear stories of their mommy being a hero. Or, you'll die. And become a martyr. I wouldn't worry about it, really. Believe it or not, I'm not here to kill you. I'm here to warn you."

I scoff. "Warn me?" There's so many things wrong with that. First of all, that would imply that President Snow actually cares about me to some extent. Secondly, I'm not going to do anything he asks of me. I owe him nothing. However, I nod, and hear him out.

"When you have the chance to kill me, don't do it. Kill Alma Coin." He says in a slow, measured tone. He's been thinking about this for a long time.

"And why would I do that?" I ask.

President Snow rolls up his sleeve, and shows me a bunch of lumps that resemble birth marks gone wrong. I've never seen anything like it. "I'm already eighty three years old. I have a old disease, from pre Panem days. They called. I have maybe 6 months left. The doctors here have no cure. You know my history, it's a side effect of one of the antidotes from the poison that isn't completely curable. Also, traces of radiation was found in all of my lights here. Someone, not surprisingly, has been trying to kill me."

"Should I believe you?" I cut him off.

"We've agreed not to lie to each other." President Snow points out, before continuing, "We both know what Coin will do, once she rises to power. If you kill her, that won't happen. With me in captivity, it's safe to say that Panem has fallen as I know it. Someone else will rise to maybe more mundane power, and I'll be dead soon enough, without you involved."

That's when it hits me: President Snow is a genius. He may be evil, and it's debatable whether or not he's certifiably insane or at least sociopathic, but he knows what he's doing. He may be working for goals that have contradicted mine for the first seventeen years of my life, but now, at least for a little, we're on the same side. It feels weird, teaming up with someone I've hated for a while. I think of the old saying that seems relevant to my current situation: An enemy of my enemy is a friend. I've never believed that, but now, it's oh so fitting.

"So, what now?" I ask him. I haven't heard from Haymitch, but it's definitely been more than 5 minutes. President Snow opens his mouth to answer, but someone knows on the door and he sticks his head outside. He shoos them and comes back in.

"Well, Miss Everdeen. This is where we say our goodbyes. I'll be seeing you very soon. Farewell." Before I can respond, A bunch of soldiers knock down the door, Finnick and Gloss included, and take President Snow by the arms. Before he gets dragged out, he winks at me, and turns to Finnick. "Hello, Mister Odair. It's a pleasure seeing you, as always. You should really take better care of your girlfriend. She's quite lovely. And use protection, we've been over this before. Farewell."

Finnick rolls his eyes at him, and then the door shuts, leaving us together. Finnick doesn't look that hurt, besides a few scabs forming on his temple and a blood stained bandage on his shoulder - whatever was hurt is now healing, I can tell. "I was worried I'd never see you again." I admit. Finnick strokes my cheek, and our lips crash into each other. I kiss him like it's our first kiss again. But this time, it's not rushed at all. I pull away, reluctantly. "Hey, we have all the time in the world, don't we?"

"I don't care. I love you, Katniss. I want to spend every minute of the rest of my life with you. That could be a week, it could be fifty years, maybe more." He looks like he's about to say more, but Haymitch busts in.

"Good to see you sweetheart." Haymitch cracks a smile at me, and then rolls his eyes. "Odair. For goodness sake, please keep your hands off her for five more minutes?"

"I'll try." He smirks, putting an arm around me. "No promises."

We walk out and I'm surrounded by chaos. There's peacekeepers lying dead all over, and Snow is being loaded into a hovercraft in handcuffs. My mood is lifted because soon I'm surrounded by all my friends. Jo, Gloss, Thomas, and a few other familiar faces. President Coin comes over to me, and nods. "Good work soldier."

I have to bite on my tongue so hard I feel the tinge of metallic blood. I'm not a soldier, and I'm not _your soldier_. I manage to smile out a "thank you" through clenched teeth. Haymitch pats my shoulder. He shoots me a look that says: Keep yourself together, don't give her that attitude. I nod and gulp.

"President Coin?" Finnick asks, "How long are we going to be here in the Capitol?"

She turns around, her grey hair not moving out of place, even in the wind outside the mansion. I wonder if it's a wig, or gelled down with sprays like the Capitol women have their hair. "Well, we're bringing everyone from back in District 13 who would like to and is healthy enough to see the trial of President Snow. After that, we'll see. So, we'll be here, indefinitely. Why do you ask, Mister Odair?"

I cringe. Alma Coin sounds like President Snow. Finnick grins. "Do you mind if I hang around... without your supervision? There's a few people I'd like to see, and I'd like to sleep in my own bed, if you don't mind..."

"Your own bed, Mister Odair?" For the first time, President Coin looks confused.

"I have an apartment in the Capitol." He clarifies.

"Fine." Coin nods, and gives us approval.

"Be safe you two." Johanna teases, but she's right.

Finnick turns to me. "Shall we?" I raise an eyebrow, and he picks me up and carries me bridal-style. We run a few blocks, laughing. The streets are empty, all the doors closed. It's like it's not even the Capitol. After a few blocks, I make him put me down and we walk down the streets slowly. It feels like it's after the end of the world, or something. There's nothing. The Capitol, a city that truly never sleeps, is in a comatose state. I don't know how to feel. We walk into the largest building for blocks, and Finnick pushes the top button in the elevator. Floor 80. He has a huge loft, with floor-to-ceiling windows, remote control everything - including the curtains. It makes the training center apartments look like a shack by comparison. It's ridiculous. He takes in my look of astonishment. "Would you like to see the bedroom?" He asks me, going to play with settings on the wall.

I drop all my clothes on the floor with a loud thud. I put my hands on my hips, and when he turns around, I say: "Does this answer your question?" He responds with a bruising kiss.

 

"Okay. Heads, I kill him. Tails, you get to do the honors." Alma Coin tells me, handing me a golden coin. I inspect it carefully, to make sure it's not a double headed coin or weighted. I flip it, and hold my palm out. She frowns. "Tails. Lucky you. I'll assume you'd like a bow and arrow?"

"I'll see you on stage." I manage a smile, and shake her cold, veiny hand.

President Snow is in a chair, which has been bolted to the stage floor. He's not going anywhere. His hands are tied together in his lap, and his waist and legs to the chair itself. He's in the square in the middle of the Capitol. There's a makeshift platform that's been set up, with speakers.

President Alma Coin takes the stage, microphone in hand. She silences the crowd of people. She clears her throat. "President Coriolanus Snow has been leader of Panem for forty-three years. He has been charged guilty with the following crimes: slaughter of innocent children, fraud, twenty-two counts of manslaughter, eighty counts of murder, and twelve other crimes against humanity. You have been sentenced to a very public death. Any last words?" She walks over to him, and he grins, coughing up some blood onto the floor.

"Yes, actually." He nods.

"Make it quick." She mutters, and turns to me. "I'll signal to you." She holds the microphone up to his mouth, so he can speak.

"I could just like to say, its been an honor to rule Panem, I've loved my job. It's been lovely. And I would like Miss Everdeen what her thoughts are."

"I'm going to enjoy killing you." I tell him. For the first time, I actually smile at the prospect of taking someones life.

"Why Miss Everdeen. I thought we agreed not to lie to each other."

"Enough. Alright Katniss. Shoot straight." She tells me.

I take the arrow, and place it in it's place. I don't aim for President Snow, the arrow goes past him, and shoots Alma Coin right above her right eye, like all my targets. I quickly load another arrow and shoot President Snow straight through the heart.


	42. Chapter 42

I wake up in an unfamiliar bed. The light streaming through the curtains is blinding, and I can barely open my eyes. I can tell I'm still in the Capitol, but I'm not sure where. I sit up in bed, and the pain in my lower back tells me I've been asleep for a while. I turn around, and see that there's a guard in the corner. I cock my head to the side, and try to figure out what's going on. I can't tell who it is, since he or she is wearing a large helmet. It's probably a man. Most guards are. He takes out what looks like a walkey talkie or some type of communications device and mumbles into it: "She's up." Yep, it's a guy. I hear static on the other end, and a jumble of words that I can't make out. The guard responds. "Copy that. Moving her to the desired location. Estimated time, maybe ten or fifteen minutes."

There's a knock at the door, and the guard stands up to answer it. He leaves the room, and to my surprise, I'm greeted by a familiar face. Haymitch rubs his eyes and walks in, smiling a little. "Get up sweetheart. You've been tried, and everything's good. We're going home." Home?

My stomach growls painfully. "How long was I out?" I ask him.

He shrugs. "Five or six days."

I'm shocked. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see." Haymitch smirks. He throws a pile of clothing at me. "Get dressed. You're going to be late." He walks into the small space outside the bedroom, which appears to be a small sitting room of some sort. I can't really tell from my angle. I get out of bed and groan at my stiff muscles. It feels like I haven't moved in a week, which is pretty much true. I groan. I haven't showered in six days. Even at my poorest, I bathed in cold lake water daily. Ew. I go into the bathroom and wash my face, and brush my hair and teeth. It feels so refreshing. I throw on the clean clothes, and re-braid my hair. Much better.

Haymitch and I take the elevator to the lobby of the building, which appears to be some type of hotel, I'm not sure of the technicalities. When the ding signals we've arrived, and we step out of the elevator, I'm swarmed by people. Most of them are familiar faces, but I push through. Through the crowd, I found the one person I needed to see. Finnick. He looks exhausted. I wonder what he's been up to in the past few days. He looks like he hasn't been sleeping much at all. Poor thing. The whole world seems to fade away. I tune all the noise out, and just focus on the beautiful face in front of me. The broken, beautiful Finnick Odair. He is mine, and I am his. And finally, nobody can or will challenge that. We say nothing; there's really no proper words for the jumble of emotions going through us. Our eyes lock on each other, and there's nothing to say anymore.

"I love you." I tell him as he wraps his toned arms around my waist. He tries to respond, but my lips cut him off with a bruising kiss. I lose track of time. It could have been seconds, or even minutes. I don't care though. Someone coughs loudly, and I reluctantly pull away. Finnick wraps his arms around my waist. Haymitch laughs loudly, and kisses Johanna on the cheek. I grin from ear-to-ear. "Now, where are we going?" I ask.

While I was out, Boggs was elected the new President of Panem. He's in office for 5 years, and one can only have 2 terms at most. All of the the surviving citizens, in the Capitol and the Districts are receiving aid until they can get back on their feet. In 5 years, we'll have elections that everyone over the age of 16 can vote on. The people in District 13 have all left, and choose to go to whichever of the eleven districts they'd like.

All of our friends have decided to settle down in the empty Victor's Village in District 4. Grant, Natalie and their kids are living in their home. Gloss seems to have a thing with Adrienne, Finnick's older sister. He's not very happy with that. Thomas is moving in with Annie, to Finnick's dismay as well. Gloss and Adrienne are taking over one of the empty homes. Prim, Rory, Gale and Madge are going to be next door to Finn and I, with Johanna and Haymitch (who are back together!) on the other side of us. I like that very much. We'll all be settled down, together.

On the hovercraft, I lay on Finn's lap. I look up at him, and lightly plant a kiss on his lips. "What do we do now?" I ask him quietly, "There's no more selling ourselves, no more games to mentor, we have all the gold we could ever need so we don't have to work a day in our lives anymore. What do we do?"

"Well, you'll probably fuck a lot." Johanna cuts in. Everyone laughs. Gale makes a gagging noise. I frown. Prim giggles. Gloss coughs loudly, and Finnick exhales loudly.

"We should get married." Finnick says.

"What?" I ask him. I think I misheard. He stands up and I have to catch my balance.

Finnick gets down on one knee, and reaches into his pocket to pull out a jeweled ring. He definitely got that in the Capitol. It's simple, but beautiful. He looks into my eyes and it's like I can see all his emotions. Fear, relief, happiness, love. "Katniss. I don't wanna make it too emotional or sappy. That's not me, or you. Ever since I laid eyes on you, I knew that you were something special. You've been there for me when I couldn't even be there for myself, and we've been through some terrible times. I'd trust you with everything, and you're the only person I can imagine spending the rest of my life with. I love you, a lot. Will you marry me?"

I've never been emotional, or one to cry at sweet romantic things, but I tear up a little. "Of course. Yes. Yes. I love you so much." I kiss him hard and everyone claps. Grant whistles and Gloss fist pumps Johanna.

Look's like I've finally got my happy ending.


	43. Chapter 43

I wake up early and I realize, that my nightmare wasn't that bad today. I could sleep through it, for once. I sit up in bed, and Finnick groans a little, but he's half-asleep and falls unconscious again in a minute or two. I slip on one of his shirts and a pair of shorts. I know that I won't be able to fall asleep, so I walk the short distance barefoot to the beach. I sit in the sand, the blue-green waves occasionally grazing over the tips of my (for once) un-painted toes. A thought crosses into my mind - I'll never have to have my nails, hair or makeup done, shave my body or worse - wax ever again, unless I want to. I won't have to get dolled up in the Capitol, or for the Capitol, ever again. My life is mine to live, and I can dress the way I'd like, for the rest of my life. That feels exhilarating in some way.

I hear soft footsteps behind me. I'm on my feet instantaneously and poised to attack even though it's probably five in the morning and I'm both weaponless and defenseless. Any enemy I would have had is dead, or no longer a threat. Still, my reflexes are intact. It takes me a moment to realize I'm looking at Gale, and we both laugh, my posture becoming way more relaxed.

"I'm not gonna bite you, Catnip." He smiles, walking towards me. We both sit down, facing the water.

"You haven't called me that in at least two years." I say.

"I dunno. I feel like since everything's calmed down and all of this," he points around him, "is over, that's it's okay again. Maybe we can get better. I'm not stupid; I know the nightmares will never really be over forever, and something like the Games - you can't just get over it. But I have a feeling we might be able to live real lives here, ya know. Like what it would've been like had our dad's been around. We could live normal lives."

"Gale, we're parentless, and virtually friendless. Our neighbors are killers, or siblings, or love interests. Everyone is scared of us." I frown. I need to try to patch things up with him. "We can't go back to normal, we were never normal. But we might actually have our own happy endings here. This isn't gonna be perfect, but I know we can make it work." I'm surprised at how for the first time, I actually believe my words, instead of just saying them for someone else's benefit. Maybe there is hope.

"Look, Catnip. I just wanna say I'm sorry. I haven't been fair to you, at all. This hasn't been easy on any of us, and you've definitely gotten the worst of it. I know that words only mean so much, and really, I don't blame you if you don't wanna talk to me, but I just wanna know if we can try to be friends again." I turn my head and look at Gale. Like, really look at him. He's not eighteen anymore. How naive we once were. So much can change in four, almost five years.

"I'm sorry too," I smile a little, and peck his cheek. "It's gonna be hard, but we really need to patch things up. I miss having you around."

We just sit there in silence, the water washing over our feet. I watch the sun stretch it's fingers and paint the dark sky with streaks of red, orange, pinks, purples and yellows. I'm not sure how long I just stare at the ocean. It's a nice change of scenery, which is exactly what I need to get a fresh start. After a while, I turn around and notice that Gale must have left. I sigh, standing up slowly and stretching, before walking back toward the Victor's Village.

I pass people beginning their day: fishermen going out on their boats, mothers taking their children to school, people going to their jobs in town. District 4 is completely self-sufficient. The people weren't negatively affected by the rebellion what so ever (except, of course, for the victors). The schools still run, businesses boom, people have even starting growing other types of food so they don't have to import it.

I walk down a street, just wandering. A little girl stares at me for a little, until her sibling grabs her along. Everyone here is nice, just many people are scared of me. Not that I blame them - I'm scared of myself and what I've done, to tell the truth.

I get back to the circle of houses. Grant's sitting on his porch, smoking. I didn't realize people here did that - most smokers are in Districts 1 and 2, and the Capitol, of course. Back home, nobody could afford them, and even if they could, there'd be no place to buy them, really. He smiles at me, and motions for me to come over. I sit down on the chair next to him, and he drops the cigarette on the ground, stomping it out with his foot. "Morning neighbor." He says, almost sadly. I don't know much about Grant. But I do know that what Haymitch is to me, Grant is to Finnick. He's married to Natalie, another victor, and they have two little kids. "How do ya like it here?" He asks me.

"Well, it's a lot better than District 12." I shrug. "I mean, I would kill to get out of Panem, if there is anybody else living out there. But if I had to be in here, District 4 is the best, it's warm and the people here are great. And, having you guys is what I really need. I need people who aren't terrified of me, kids who aren't scared of me, and I just can't live with myself. I'm terrified of everything, I can't sleep. I thought I'd be happy, and yeah I'm much more relieved that I'm not being whored around, but still, I just wish that I could've never experienced anything like that. I mean, -" I cut myself off, I'm being way too dramatic. It does feel kinda nice getting that off my chest, not gonna lie.

Grant chuckles to himself a little. It's a nice sound - the laugh resonates from deep in his belly. A genuine laugh. "Katniss, everyone deserves that. You're not the only one who feels that way. We're all here for you, you know that. You need to realize something. We've all been through the games, and it's horrors. We've all dealt with the other jobs in the Capitol. Well not all of us, but most. Seriously - Natalie, me, Finnick, Johanna, Gloss, and even more before them, and myself. You deserve to be happy. It's over. You're fine."

I exhale sharply, and relax my posture. That was... really nice to hear. "Thanks, Grant." He stands up, and I give him a really big hug.

"Don't tell me you're hitting on younger chicks again Grant." Finnick comes over, and teases him. He turns to me, and I smile, taking a step back from Grant. "Hey there."

"Hey, yourself." I retort, smiling. I kiss him hard. We just kinda lose track of each other in the kiss, not that it's a bad thing at all. After, what must be a few minutes, at least. Someone coughs loudly.

"Get a room you two." Grant winks at Finnick.

"Will do." He smiles back, picking me up. I let out a surprised squeak, as suddenly, I'm in Finnick's arms and being carried up the stairs, my lips never leaving contact with his.

I could get used to this.


	44. Epilogue: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Takes place 2 years post-rebellion.

Katniss, wake up!" Somebody shakes me, and I grown, sitting up. My bed is surrounded my all of my female friends and family: Johanna, Annie, Madge, Prim, and even Adrienne. I groan.

"C'mon hon, you're gonna be late. You can't miss your own wedding. You're not even dressed yet and we need to leave in two hours!" Madge rushes me. They're all wearing matching pale blue dresses. My bridesmaids.

Today's my wedding day.

I take a super-quick shower, and then everyone's hands are on me, Johanna's drying my hair and Prim's styling it. She's seventeen. It's... weird. Annie is doing my makeup, Madge is painting my fingernails, and Adrienne is getting me dressed. It's like my prep team all over again, except this time, I'm not going to fight to the death, and I actually like these people.

"You were so drunk last night." Johanna informs me, filling in the lapses in my memory. "I mean sloppy. It was hilarious. You should've seen yourself."

"You're one to talk, Jo." Adrienne retorts. "Don't even get me started on the stories I could tell you about Johanna. She is one crazy girl."

The two of them go back and forth for a while, making friendly insults towards each other. Occasionally, Annie adds something, or Prim giggles a little too hard. She's still just a kid - even though I must seem so hypocritical for thinking that. After at least an hour, they all step back. Madge helps me up and I slip on a pair of heels. "You look beautiful, Katniss."

I look at myself in the mirror. I hardly recognize my reflection. I try to calm myself down, by going over what I know. My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm twenty years old. I live in District 4. Today, I'm getting married to the love of my life, Finnick Odair. My hair's in an updo with a few curled pieces hanging down by my ear. I'm wearing a long white dress; it's tight but not that revealing. For the first time in my life, I feel special. All eyes will be on me, and that's quite alright. I hug Prim tightly, and thank everyone.

The wedding is on the nicest edge of the beach. There's less than one hundred people there - Grant, Natalie, their kids, a few of Prim and Rory's friends, as well as Finnick's friends from the district, and some people we've both met who are still around.

I've never been to a wedding outside of District 12, so I'm not sure how they're supposed to work, really. The bridesmaids and groomsmen - our closest friends, naturally, walk down the aisle. Prim's a flower girl, which she's too old for, but it doesn't seem to be a problem.

I'm supposed to walk down the aisle with my father, but that's not really an option.

The music comes on the piano, and Haymitch is next to me. "Ready to go, Sweetheart?" He asks me. I stand up, and hug him tightly.

"Thanks for doing this." I say, smiling. We link arms at the elbows. He's cleaned up, in a suit, and is actually reasonably sober. A nice change.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get all emotional on me, sweetheart. It's a wedding, not a fight to the death." He teases.

When I walk down the (reasonably short) aisle, everyone's staring at me. I want to shy away, but my eyes find Finnick's and everything seems okay. He still catches me off guard with how beautiful he is. But I feel like we deserve each other, instead of me just being in awe of him.

Thomas apparently knows how to officiate weddings. I spend most of the time he's talking just squeezing Finn's hand. I have no idea why I'm so nervous. I wasn't this scared going into the hunger games, for crying out loud. Finnick mouths Don't worry at me, and I try to exhale calmly. Thomas snaps me out of my daze by asking, "Finnick, do you take Katniss to be your wife?"

"I do." He smiles.

Thomas turns to me. "Katniss, do you take Finnick to be your husband? It's not too late, I'm not married yet either." Everyone laughs, Adrienne included. I turn bright pink.

"I do." I smile.

"You may now kiss the bride."

Everyone claps as Finnick's lips melt into mine. I get lost into the kiss, as always. I won't ever get sick of this. The whole room fades away and it's just tongue and teeth and lips. After a moment or two, I reluctantly pull away. That was probably too much for public, even though it's my wedding day. Gloss whistles. I laugh a little. Finnick whispers in my ear, "We'll finish that later, Ms. Odair."

Ms. Odair. I could get used to that.

It takes three trips to carry in all the gifts. We got a lot of stuff. Finnick just drops it all on the kitchen table, and then, finally we're alone. "I think we need to this the right way." He tells me. I'm a bit confused, but then I'm swooped up in his arms, and he carries me up the staircase - yes, bridal style and into the bedroom. He puts me down and turns away for a moment, my dress has pooled around my ankles. "Beautiful," he whispers, kissing the place where my neck and shoulder meet.

"Do you know what today is?" I ask him, realizing what a coincidence our wedding day has fallen on.

"The four year anniversary of the first time we met, rather the first time we fucked."

"How about we celebrate that properly then?" I kiss him again. For once in my life, I have everything I could want, and there's nothing threatening to take it away. My friends, my family, a husband, food, money, and a home.

Katniss Everdeen, the girl from the Seam. The girl who had to eat squirrels to survive, who never took a shower in hot water until she was sixteen. If only my old self could see me now.

Looks like I finally got my happy ending.


	45. Epilogue: Part 2

"Mommy, why do they always talk about you in school? And Daddy, and Aunt Jo and pretty much everyone else?" she asks me. That question, along with how Finnick and I met, are the two things I'm terrified of telling my daughter. Maggie Elizabeth Odair, named after Mags and Effie, the nine year old with Finn's tanned skin and sea green eyes but my dark dark hair, is a curious one. They mention the rebellion in school, and slightly brush over the games. The topics are far too graphic for children. One day, I'll tell her the whole truth.

Our son, Marcus Peter Odair, named after Finnick's and my father, is still clueless. He's only five, and all he knows is that his parents have bad, bad dreams. He has my olive skin and gray eyes, but Finn's golden-copper hair. The teachers treat them like children of celebrities, which is partly what I feared. But the fact that they will never dread their twelfth birthday, or buy Reaping Day clothing makes up for that in more ways than imaginable.

Everyone else has settled down too - Gloss and Annie have little baby Cashmere, Haymitch and Jo are married but childless (which is good for both them and any children they could have), Adrienne and Thomas have a girl the same age as Maggie named Dahlia, after Finnick's baby half-sister. Gale and Madge moved to District 2, but they visit from time to time. Prim and Rory are still here, and they've been married for three years. It still makes me uncomfortable - she'll always be my kid sister. But she's twenty-seven now, and I have to let her grow up. I really try.

Some days are harder than others. There's been mornings where I jump out of bed and I'm eager to enjoy the beautiful day. Others, even the idea of being alive is unwanted. My nightmares are usually tolerable, but some nights they're so graphic and they hit home hard, that I worry that they're real. But, I'm making in through, one day at a time.

_Haymitch, I did it. I stayed alive._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who's read this! I hope you've all enjoyed reading as much as I've enjoyed writing.


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